Wednesday, December 17

There's nothing like free drinks!

I had a good ol' time at a bar last night! I'd never been there before (and will probably never go again), so I felt comfortable with being myself and letting loose! The regulars seemed impressed with the way I was pounding drinks through the entire happy hour. I was so busy chugging that had to let my cigarettes just smolder away in the ash tray!

Just before happy hour ended a few British ex-patriots showed up and bought me a pint. You really can't have a better time at a bar than when British people are in the house! By the time we were done singing and telling jokes I was half in the bag! But they soon left without saying goodbye. I guess they'd never seen a pregnant woman dancing on a pinball machine before!

I normally don't order food at a bar, but the baby started kicking, so I decided to slow him down with a double order of greasy onion rings! When I was done scarfing those down I made it over to the games area, where I beat a sweetheart ex-convict in a game of billiards. Easiest $50 I'd made all day. I managed to mess up his shots by showing off my assets from across the table. Real men just can't help but be distracted by my lovely lady lumps!

After he left I ordered myself a Bud Lite, along with a round of Bushmills shots for everyone at the bar. Once those were gone things really stared dying down, and I began thinking about heading home. I had been building a rapport with the bartender all night. I told him that I needed some smokes, but I only smoked Parliments, which they don't sell there. Then I told him (as I headed to the door) to pour me another beer, and that I'd be right back from the mini-mart next door.

As he may have suspected, I had no plans to return. I simply drove off without ever paying my tab. I've gotta say that of all the things that drinking inspires me to do, stealing from idiots is by far my favorite! On my way home I smoked a fat bowl of dank weed, and laughed about how stupid and trusting that bartender had been!

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

wow your smart but thats mean..

obbop said...

"lovely lady lumps!"

Is that akin to a bodacious babe beer belly?

Anonymous said...

trashy ass bitch

Anonymous said...

Onion rings are my favorite and you are my hero! Wanna hit a new bar this weekend?

Obbop said...

"fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap"

Done best to the tune of Jingle Bells

Anonymous said...

Yeah, lets get hammered and smoke with the kid, your fucking ridiculous.

Lantern Bearer said...

I think you got away easy. Them English people are real good at leaving behind a big bill you have to dash on. I tried it onec't on a Brit submarine crew at Canaveral and ended up in trauma at Wuesthoff.

Anonymous said...

people like you should be sterilized, do some investigation into the effects of drinking, smoking and weed on your unborn child.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha!
that was cool!








no...
I hope you die.

U_U

fucking bitches sucking joy from real people's life recklessly infecting the earth with their genes on kids...
i say kick her, out of earth, right now ^o^

Anonymous said...

Smoking and drinking while you're pregnant. Wow your maternal skills impress me. (/sarcasm)

Anonymous said...

Haha, you crack me up. The haters are cracking me up even more. They need to get a life...

Dean said...

Aside the obvious pregnancy issues with the drinking what about the driving home after part? I'm british myself but I'm pretty sure drink driving is illegal there too. Basically you're bragging about not only harming your unborn child but also stealing and putting the lives of other people (namely road users) at risk too, and you don't see what's wrong with that?

Anonymous said...

You're a Bitch Lady.

Ang said...

you need to stop having drinks at the bar and start taking care of those dam retarded inbreed kids of yours.

bring back natural selection said...

You know... I never thought I would actually read something like this - and it be real. You're actually stupid enough to be drinking, smoking, etc while pregnant?!? You are the biggest piece of shit white trash garbage I have ever seen. You are THE reason our WORLD is fucked up. YOU are the reason humans are slower to progress. YOU and the ones like YOU.

Hopefully you will have a family reunion that ends up in a sinkhole. The planet would be noticeably better without your genetic line. I'm not joking, I am dead serious.

jim said...

You shouldn't smoke and drive, lady. A vodka Redbull would have sharpened you up no end.

Anonymous said...

wow...i'm a straight up shit... i'mma just straight up shit!