Monday, December 15

Spreading your holiday cheer!

I like to get in the Christmas spirit as early as possible. With my shopping done, and my Christmas plans made, I can focus on all the good things that make the season bright! Real Christmas spirit requires some effort. You can't just dance foolishly in a skin tight outfit of bright red felt and expect the spirit to fall into your lap!

Decoration is a nice way to start. I set up a fake snowman on our porch with garbage bags of used disposable diapers. Then I make the front door more welcoming by hanging a festive wreath of dog skulls. I also like to place a dish on the bathroom counter filled with holiday-themed novelty condoms that I buy from the truck stop restroom. And I decorate myself by wearing a colorful designer scarf, like some kind of Euro-trash.

Another time honored way to get in the Christmas spirit is to do a few nice things for others. I've delighted hundreds of neighborhood rodents by leaving loaves of candied-mealworm fruitcake all around the yard. I'm also planning to dress Muffin, our Rottie, in a traditional reindeer costume and bring him downtown late at night to greet homeless people. And next week, when my neighbors go out of town, I plan to donate all their belongings to the Salvation Army.

There are even a few little personal things we can do for just for ourselves that can make us feel festive. So tell your kids a story about the time Santa stepped on a kitten. Use a stick of Hickory Farms beef as underarm deodorant. Put on a Santa suit and get your fat ass lodged inside your own chimney. Try to break open some Brazil nuts with your fingernails. Or just head to the mall and give Santa a wet soapy lap dance in front of all the kids.

Of course the holidays come with their own stresses, so be sure to blow off steam when necessary. The best way to do this is by punishing the naughty. Maybe bludgeon that bitchy clerk at the Kmart returns counter with a giant Hershey's Kiss. Strangle a drunk with a lovely strand of garland. Go "Boston Tea Party" on that cookie store in the mall. Or use your crab ridden genitals to make manly love to all the Christmas stockings at Wal-mart.

8 comments:

Karen said...

Fa la la la la la. La la.

La.

La.

Funny stuff.

Got me into the holiday spirit all right.

Anonymous said...

damn you are trash

Anonymous said...

Giving Santa a lap dance! Good idea! I could never figure out how repay that fat bastard! I am on my way to the mall!

luke la rue said...

'crab ridden genitals'
you have to love somone who loves america -- one scuzzy trucker at a time

happy holidays!

f

Meade Skelton said...

Are you on the tacky lights tour this year?

Anonymous said...

no wonder your husband left you. you're a sad and pathetic human being for the actions you've taken to defraud and steal from innocent people. you should be reported.

alpharat said...

Silly, yet painfully true. My neighbors do feed the yard rodents like that.

Anonymous said...

You are a disgusting excuse for a homo sapien. I hope your rottie mauls you in the street and you die slowly as those homeless you talked about fucking with jizz into your open dog wounds. Talking about punishing the naughty but not realizing that your the most vile black hearted piece of shit this planet has every had the misfortune of hosting. I say hosting because you are a parasite, a blight on humanity as a whole, you are the combined accumulation of everything that is evil and wrong in this world, I hope your children are better to their children, when they remember how much life wasn't worth living because their snaggle toothed coke addict of a mother exploited them to feed her addiction, I just smile inside thinking about what kind of nursing home they'll put you into, Oh wait that's right, you won't be going in a nursing home because they will probably kill you to try and get the 60 dollars you ripped off from other people throughout your life only to find out that you left it to your coke dealer in exchange for his promise that he will dig up and fuck your corpse just one last time, I hope you fucking die you syphilitic sack of dog shit, go eat a bums aids infected semen and choke to death, fuck you.