Monday, December 22

Super secret Santa!

I've been settling in nicely at my new job. I'm getting to know everyone, and while we've all been getting along well enough, I've noticed how clueless some of them seem to be about their shortcomings. That's why I decided to play Santa this year, and give everyone a little something special!

I was somehow able to pick out most of their gifts while browsing through Big Lots, which was nice, because these gifts were about thought rather than price. I started by grabbing a package of control top pantyhose for Susan, our secretary, because she has a gut that just won't quit. Then I bought a box of Biore pore strips for the HR lady, Helen, who has a mess of really thick blackheads all over her T-zone.

I picked up a bottle of Febreze for Amy, our accounts receivable girl, because she always smells like a trailer home full of unwashed Mastiffs. And I went with a large pack of generic Dexatrim for Trisha, the accounts manager, because it would be nice if she finally got thin so she could get past her obvious eating disorder once and for all!

Tooth whitener was the obvious choice for Darryl, the only male in our office (and the only one of us with a mouth full of rotting teeth!). Then there's Bonnie, one of my file clerks. She's always getting called into the school because of her shitty little troublemaker son, so I got her The Complete Idiot's Guide to Raising Boys.

My other file clerk, Leah, always has her frizzy hair balled up like a rat's nest, so I got her a bottle of leave-in conditioner. I had a hard time thinking of something nice for Simone, who handles our outgoing mail. I decided on a pack of moist toilet wipes, because she always leaves the bathroom smelling like diarrhea.

It was important to me to make this a surprise! So yesterday, when nobody was working, I came in and left gift bags on everybody's desk. I even left a bag with a new hairbrush in it on my own desk so nobody would think it was me who left all those presents! Unfortunately I took this week off, so I wasn't able to see the look on everyone's faces when they open their gifts!

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Um, I know its really funny that you posted this but there is a slim chance that SOMEBODY will see this blog that knows somebody in that office. Or possible one of the people that got your gift. So in short...you Fail.

Anonymous said...

So you leave mean-spirited "gifts" to people you work with to make them feel bad about themselves so you can feel good about yourself? Wow, you're a real bitch to work with.

Anonymous said...

look in the mirror lady... your mug isn't exactly one that should be dishing out this amount of arrogance

Anonymous said...

just because you acknowledge that you're a terrible bitch doesn't make you likable. gtfo my internets.

Anonymous said...

Must be nice being so perfect. Let's just ignore that when you look in the mirror your reflection ducks.

That1Guy said...

Thanks for the insights into gift giving. This should really help me out a lot!
Love you, Jocelyn!

Anonymous said...

What thoughtful gifts!! You show that the Christmas season is really for - giving, not getting! I just bet your co-workers can feel the warmth now! Happy Holidays Jocelyn, and thanks for sharing all of your inspiring stories of 2008.

Anonymous said...

That was really nice of you to buy gifts for your coworkers! The fact that you bought things that could really help them in the areas in which they are lacking shows how wonderful you really are! Merry Christmas and God bless you Jocelyn!

Anonymous said...

I understand why your husband left you, you're an uglier person than your picture suggests. I feel sorry for your kids...

Karen said...

God bless us, everyone.

Thanks for all the laughs in 2008 :)

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with your teeth?

Anonymous said...

Maybe you'll come back from holidays to find that someone has secret santa'd YOU with a stylish beret to cover that "I'm stuck in the 80's" mullet and some chicklets to pop in the front there, Gappy.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a cunt.

Anonymous said...

Don't listen to all these people. Those gifts are hilarious.

Chris said...

Wow- many of the commenters here have no sense of humor whatsoever!

Libertarian Lady said...

Jocelyn,

I want to thank you for your wonderful gift ideas! Now, if we could only find a place to buy a sense of humor for some of your commenters.

Merry Christmas or whatever you are celebrating!

L.L.

Anonymous said...

brilliant! brilliant!

alpharat said...

Happy holidays, Jocelyn! It's nice to see you truly understand the reason for the season!

Anonymous said...

You are a true role model to women everywhere. I took your example and bought a huge bottle of douche for the whore that stinks up the whole office. Hopefully she will take the hint, and I won't get sick off of her fumes any more!

Anonymous said...

Keep it classy baby! You are awesome!

Justin said...

I'm in love with you!

Anonymous said...

Wow,
You should be a human resources manager. You have so much class in what you do. Just perfect in every way. Especially you being so beautiful.

Trixxie said...

Don't forget some brown shoe polish for the office ass kisser

Jizztastic said...

Funny Funny Funny

You should have given some tucks pads to the guy that farts himself all the time.

Anonymous said...

ROFLCOPTOR

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAH

Anonymous said...

Ohhh we blog readers DO have a sense of humour, I just feel & believe that many a truth is spoken in jest


This bitch is unhinged!

One word = KARMA

You WILL get yours I'm sure of it