Wednesday, December 31

Hardcore resolutions!

One of the best things about this country is our spirit of self-improvement. Any one of us can up and change ourselves for the better, because we enjoy the freedom to recreate ourselves whenever we choose. I've realized lately that even I could be a better person. So this year I'm making some resolutions, and taking them seriously!

For one thing, I gonna stop wasting time in the kitchen, and start taking advantage of the affordability of greasy fast food. My kids love it, and so do I, because it gives them a nice shiny coat. I'm also going to scrub all of those stubborn stains off the inside of the tub so my new baby will have somewhere clean to bathe and play while I'm out drinking or getting browned at the tanning salon.

I'm going to call Mother more than once or twice per year. I'm going to make exceptionally good use of my new Christmas bong. I'm going to stop balking at offers made to me by telemarketers. I'm going to take the time to test the reliability of my many homemade weapons. And I'll remove all the stray socks and candy wrappers from behind the furniture.

I plan to exercise at least once in the next twelve months. I'm going to make millions by placing tiny classified ads. I'm going to give an innocent stranger the middle finger at least once per day. And I'll do my best to eat a vegetable every week. I'll make the kids wear their seatbelts, and I'll no longer harass my coworkers by eating beef jerky in an erotic way

I could certainly improve my driving. I'll slow down and pretend that I'm not going anyplace in particular. I'll stop using my turn signals, and focus on taking slower, more deliberate turns off of busy roads. I'm going to set up a Netflix account so we'll have better DVDs to watch in the van. I'm also going to stop wasting my money on frivolous car insurance

I'm going to start being nicer to fat people and gay people, and in exchange I'll be a little bit meaner towards fat gay people. I'm going to do a better job of learning from my horoscopes. I'm going to give that electric bread maker another a try. And one day this year I'll go down to the soup kitchen and serve up a hearty stew made from every old pillow in the house. I'm getting one of my teeth capped in gold. And I'm gonna get laid more often by less people.

7 comments:

Ang said...

It's like we're the same person.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jocelyn,

Will you marry me?

I Love You,
Gary

Anonymous said...

No she wont marry you. She already is the woman i adore.

Jeffrey Seaview-Twitter............ said...

Have you ever considered drilling for oil in the South Pacific, Jocelyn? I suppose Richmond has been drained dry.

Anonymous said...

I thought for sure my New Years Resolutions were the best. One of which was to start crapping in my neighbors garden to help her vegetables grow and to conserve our precious water resources. Looks like you got me beat. This is why you have been and will always be my hero!

Elizabeth James said...

Ridiculously funny...yes, I too think I will talk more and listen less and fast food is certainly going to be a mainstay. I may have to quit my job again in 2009 just to become more interesting. The kids like it when I am unemployed and broke. Happy New Year!!

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn - funny as always...
just one thing,
"And I'm gonna get laid more often by less people."
should read,
" And I'm gonna get laid more often by fewer people."
Although, now that I think about it - maybe you were onto something!