Tuesday, December 30

All my exes live in Richmond!

If you've ever lived in Richmond then you know what a small town it can be. You can barely leave the damn house without running into past acquaintances, former coworkers, and of course, romantic exes. It's always awkward when you have to greet someone you haven't seen in a long time, but more especially when it's someone you've dated!

I'm quite popular with the fellas, so I'm always seeing old lovers out and about. If he's alone I'll usually either ignore him or give him a disinterested nod. But if he happens to be with a woman, it's different. For some reason I've just got to make the situation unbearable for all concerned!

I start out with a hello, and wait for an introduction to his companion. Then, as I shake her hand weakly, I look her over from her shoes all the way to her face. By the time we make eye contact I've got a nostril raised in disgust. Then I start ignoring the woman completely. I ask my ex how his mother or house pet is doing. Then I gaze longingly as he's answering the question.

Sometimes I'll flirt in an obvious manner to make his new girlfriend or wife feel threatened and uncomfortable. Other times I'll emasculate him by implying jokingly that he's a lousy lover, or incapable of taking care of himself or anyone else. If the mood is right I'll suggest that one of my kids might be his. It's also fun to coyly request his new cell phone number!

The best things to say are the things they don't expect. I'll say that I've been looking all over for him because he might have an STD. I'll subtly hint that he still owes me money for an old used car, or a long forgotten abortion. Then I start groping myself and talking about how much I miss him! It's about that time that he will politely end the conversation and walk away in a hurry, and I know that my work is done.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Damn - you know how to work it right don't you!

Anonymous said...

nah she is just a bitch

Justin said...

Such a genius.

Anonymous said...

Are you for real?

Note to myself: Do not go out, do not get shitfaced drunk, do not end up with a skanky crazy bitch.

Damn, now that I think about it - too late - I already broke that new year resolution - that latin chick I hooked up with had 2 english sentences in her library: I love you & I kill you. Worst of all - she kept slapping me (and I get those bloody freaking headaches when I drink too much). Needless to say - that's one girl (if she was a girl - I had my suspicions about that fact in the morning though - damn you cross-dressers) I am not going to want to meet again, but I guess that proves that there are crazy bitches everywhere; just have to try to remember never ever never to get drunk in Richmond, remember, remember

Anonymous said...

"im quite popular with the fellas" that says it all...

Wake up woman!

Patrick said...

"Sometimes I'll flirt in an obvious manner to make his new girlfriend or wife feel threatened and uncomfortable" eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww.
Jocelyn, nothing that you do can be considered obvious.

The next time you think that people around you might feel threatened and uncomfortable please consider the notion that they may be looking at you the same way they would be looking at a fatal road accident on a highway; we can't stop staring.

Anonymous said...

you really are a fuckin tool, do us a favour and take urself outa the genepool, its bad enough that youve got kids already, i feel sorry for em.

cunt

noah tall said...

You go Girl

Jocelyn T. Cuntface said...

You are a horrible person.

JOEY D said...

You're a cunt that should be anally raped by a large Clysdale, while your children look on and laugh and point and see that MOM is being deep dicked by a horse.FUCK YOU and people like you. I hope you fall into a puddle of AIDS!

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. You're my hero [: I'm definitely going to be doin' this type of thing soon! Perfect timing too, my ex just got a new girlie friend!

Anonymous said...

Then I start groping myself and talking about how much I miss him! It's about that time that he will politely end the conversation and walk away in a hurry, and I know that my work is done. <----Favorite part this is hilarious


Vanessa