Friday, December 3

Bitch, I run it!

As many of you already know, I'm the one who "wears the pants" in our household. I know some of you think that a man should have the final say, (as if that's some kind of privilege). Take it from me: being in charge isn't all it's cracked up to be! It's a lot of work, keeping the family in a calm, submissive state. Luckily I'm an office manager by day, so I have plenty of experience when it comes to micromanaging a bunch of dimwits!

My kids already know who the boss is in this house. I removed all doubt one fine day when I pulled the car over and bested Phil in a long distance peeing contest. It's amazing, the things you can settle along the railing of a highway overpass! My kids were impressed too! They no longer put up a protest when I ask them to scratch my back, which is covered in long, rubbery skin tags.

I make all of the house rules. Just last week, after falling asleep on the couch, I awoke to find an old animal cracker stuck to my thigh. Guess what? Kids are no longer allowed on the couch! And when my teenage daughter Darla asked me to offer a "vegetarian meal option" at dinner time, I said, "My pleasure, you fancy bitch! You now have the option of picking the meat off your dinner while you frown!".

You need to practice tough love if you want to raise your kids up right. Like when Brandon asked me to buy him some roller blades, I said "no". Then I gave his cousin $10 to punch him in the shoulder until he cried. Brandon protested by acting the fool and refusing his bedtime. He finally agreed to settle down when I threatened to lock him in the shed overnight with the hornets.

Family members need boundaries, so I've also established a few arbitrary rules just to show that I'm in control. For example, Phil likes to pee standing up, so I make him sit. My son Brandon prefers to do it sitting, so I make him stand. Don't you think I get sick of hovering by the bathroom door, figuring out who is doing what? Sure, I do..but that's the cost of martyrdom. You're not a strong mother unless you sacrifice of yourself to maintain a happy home!

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10 comments:

John Koralewski said...

Thank you for posting some of the funniest shit in the blogosphere! I like your tweets too. Congrats on the million hits!

MamaHaas said...

People don't appreciate all the hard work mothers do. Too many of us have gone 'soft' and are raising a generation of sissy boys.

Thanks you for being such a wonderful inspiration!

sevenvoices said...

IANAL but I'm pretty sure you just signed your own arrest warrant by confessing to child abuse.

Anonymous said...

Either your pretty funny with a dark sense of humor, or you're the most vile person alive and deserve whatever 4Chan decideds for you.

Anonymous said...

Joss
You know, they tell you that they hate you now...
but they'll appreciate all the sacrifices you make for them when they're older.
One day they'll realise they've turned out just like their mother!

Anonymous said...

You are just awesome Jocelyn,This is not child abuse there is a difference between child abuse and rule.If im having a bad day I just go on to your blog and I just crack up.
Love you

Anonymous said...

Dang! I'm sooo behind on my blog reading and I could really have used the laughs since I've been to your site last.
Thank you for all of your hard work raising kids who will be worthy of marrying mine. They will rule the world and we can sit back on our thrones & laugh & laugh & whip the servants for slackin off:)
Ame in TN

Anonymous said...

I liked the arbitrary rules...you whoop 'em into line, lady....

Anonymous said...

I found a link here from somewhere else in internet land, thank God too cuz I was outta stuff to read and the kids don't go to bed for another hour.. I almost had to actually pay attention to them. That was disturbing to me they know the rule when mommy's on Facebook you play quietly somewhere else. Important social networking is going on here! Of course now I can't remember if I made dinner today or not... No worries though I am sure there are left overs from yesterday, or the day before still sitting on the stove.

Love your blog by the way, I will be coming back you remind me of an updated modern day Erma Bombeck, keep it up!!

A. N. Ominious said...

I'm shocked that you listen at the bathroom door. I would have thought that you'd make them keep the door open and personally supervise them.