My office's director and his district manager have both been fired from our company following a very slow year. While the bigwigs at corporate headquarters decide where to take things next, they've left everything in our branch office up to me. Some folks in my position might go with a "business as usual" approach. Fortunately I'm ambitious enough to realize that this is an opportunity to prove myself and get promoted!
Profits are down, sales are down, and the workload is slow. Our prices are competitive, so I'm not sure what's wrong. What I'd like to do is boost our sales. Unfortunately I know nothing about sales! So I've decided to cut operating costs, which will force me to squeeze maximum productivity out of the few employees who remain. But that's not as easy as it sounds! In fact, it's become a rather depressing game of "divide and conquer"!
I began by drawing out a big chart. I wrote down everyone's name and drew lines connecting who was friends with who, who takes lunches together, and who chats around the coffeemaker. I put a red mark by anyone who I think may have been part of last year's failed unionizing effort. I also made notes on the chart about popularity, niceness, and physical attractiveness.
Then I started managing people out of their jobs. I wrote folks up for every single 30-second tardy. I documented every website they visited that wasn't work-related. I monitored their calls, and rummaged through their desks. I even sent a few people in for "random" drug tests. After only three weeks I'd fired one person out of every identified friendship in the building.
The best part was how I avoided an ugly, newsworthy mass-layoff situation. Instead I spread all the firings out over a month of Fridays. This not only helped our company avoid embarrassment, (as well as expensive severence packages) but it also helped develop a sense of self-preservation and paranoia among my remaining staff. Of course everyone is depressed and worried, and I'm the only one who knows that the firing spree is over!
As of this week I've implemented an office-wide training program focused on the importance of showing company spirit! You should see their faces in these sessions, the way I bring them together by forcing them to smile. No, I'm not just making a special effort to deliberately insult their intelligence! And to prove it I'm giving away free company logo sweatshirts to those who truly embody our company values and attitude! Go team!
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20 comments:
Ugh.
Why go limp on the wankers? You're getting unusually soft lately, what's up, babe? Your office also sounds like mine, with its' rubbish team play and can do attitude ... you sure you don't work for the government as well?
Merry Christmas anyways, sweet cheeks.
I hope you have a nice Christmas! Remember- you can save money on shopping, but giving your loved ones some waxy cheese balls and crackers.
You are one majorly damaged woman. You embody the very worst aspects of office society. When you fuck with people like that, especially in this economy, you set yourself up to be cut down. Your fear mongering is what makes normally stable people panic and snap.
I feel real sorry for your kids you lecherous hag fish.
I hope one of your employees snaps, brings an AK-47 to work, and fills you full of holes.
It's what you deserve.
Icky girl! Icky girl! Icky girl! You!
That was great thinking on your part! There is no place for friendship int he workplace. I bet productivity has skyrocketed!
^^ I bet Mcfred wishes it was 12 inches, and could stick it somewhere other than his fleshlight. Big date with the TWINS tonight, eh Mcfred? My regards to Handrea and Palmela
What I would give to knock a few other teeth out.
@ Anonymous 1:09
Have you been looking in my bedroom window?
Joss
I thought you were taking it a bit easy on those good-for-nothings.
I would fire the entire sales staff - if they can' move the merchandise then they don't deserve a job. Get them all watching Glengarry Glenross at the next training meeting - Always Be Closing. Anyone not selling gets the sack.
I would also have saved up all those terminations for Christmas Eve - its the gift that keeps on giving.
Hey, when you have finished over there, you wanna come over to my company and do the same?
Jocelyn,
first I'd like to remind everyone that You are entitled to pursue happiness and contentment in any fashion you'd like. I completely understand what you had to do, and i applaud your efforts as an office manager. It's obvious that you are keener than most people in your work place, and possess the ability to make difficult decisions for the best. Stay strong, and keep up the work.....
just kidding, you hideous bitch. I sincerely hope your dead father wakes from the dead to gang-rape you with his zombie friends. Upon receiving Zombie-AIDS, i'd like you to return home to your "Open relationship" hubby, and find him in bed with the priest that baptized your children. When you leave your trailor running and screaming, i truly want each person that you spied on and fired from your job, to be waiting for you in the street ready to bludgeon you to death with every office supply you have in your cubicle.
People like you are the blisters on the taint of decent society.
Die........ you rotten fuck.
Jocelyn,
Good job on cleaning house. Those people need to swim or sink.
Just because it is the time of year that people celebrate their make believe fantasy religious holidays isn't an excuse for slacking off. If anything I think you really need to increase the pressure. Maybe you should eliminate one of the places to sit/desk. That might help. Maybe a gold star/stormy cloud chart for performance.
As far as sales go maybe you should make some of the people wear a sandwich boards or do one of those neato sign throwing deals out on the corner. Those always seem to attract a lot of attention if you kick all the homeless trash out of the way.
Well keep up the good work. I think you are executive CEO type material. Make sure those ass munches in corporate figure out who's boss. You might want to look into knocking out the spot above yours. Maybe a drug induced sex spree with a hooker (don't forget your camera) would free up an executive slot. Just a thought.
As always anytime you get bored with your husband just let me know. I have lots of money and would love to spend it on you.
Oh, and the Zombie-AIDS line is still cracking me up.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Kudos to you! Friendship is the biggest block to workplace productivity. Plus, once people get close, they are more likely to plot against their superiors. Such insubordination must be squelched!
Truly, we need more savvy managers like you in this country, putting the focus back on work! We'll lick this recession yet!
Not to mention that you get to pawn all of the left over junk they leave behind.
I did that exact thing a couple of years back and bought me a ski boat.
Your Friend,
Kindred Spirits
"People like you are the blisters on the taint of decent society."
I'm gonna get that engraved on something....
Yo just so you know, Obama didn't make the recession Bush did. Obama came in to office after the market had gone into free fall. Dear god lady stop watching Fox News
Baby, don't listen to the people saying to fire even more people. Who the hell's gonna do any work around there after that? Whaddayamean, Joss can start doin' sumpin!? She's management now, idjits. If the other workers saw her actually doing work, why, it'd tear the very fabric of the system's drapery.
Now Joss, here's what needs to happen, if/when sales slumps even further; Get together with the girl running HR, and get her to change your contract to give you a huge golden parachute, then, fire your own incompetent ass! Sweet, huh?
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