For starters, I'm volunteering their asses to work after school at a local nursing home. I know an orderly there who'll pay me $5 per hour cash for the three of them to sing and read to old people. Their duties will also include emptying day-old bed pans and removing the occasional catheter. I'll receive an additional dollar for every hour they spend fishing recyclables out of the dumpster.
As for gifts this year, they might be surprised to receive something more practical than past years. Each of my kids will get either a shoe shining kit, a package of Dryel (home dry cleaning system), or a jar of jewelry cleaner. After they're done whining I'll explain how they can now earn their $2 per week allowance by carefully maintaining my wardrobe.
Now don't worry, because the kids aren't alone in this. My new husband Phil will be learning about the importance of family this year as he spends Christmas Day with my kids. I already told him that I'll be leaving after presents to "visit Mother", but I'm actually going to meet with my secret boyfriend Maurice, who's buying me an 8-ball of coke! That's what I call a "white" Christmas!
I truly feel bad for all you suckers who are spending yet another year in the stupid Christmas rat race. To make things a little easier for you, I have compiled my handy 4-part holiday guide which will help you get most out of the holiday season:
Spreading your holiday cheer!
Christmas shopping made easy!
Super secret Santa!
If these posts don't get you in the spirit then you really are hopeless.
19 comments:
Oooh, girl, you got yourself a new boyfriend? I want pictures!
Jostlin', I sincerely hope you find our LORD and SAVIER this CHRISTmas. HE is the reason for the season. HE will help you to break from your evil ways. Only throught the BLOOD of CHRIST can you break the spell of the demon drugs and HE will make you OBEY your HUSBEND LIEK your suppose too. GOD BELESS US, EVER ONE! MARRY CHRISTmas
Great, great stuff...people's reactions are almost as funny as your stuff. Thanks for all the laughs!
Yes. Just like Miami Mike says. You should obey your HUSBEND (husband) just LIEK (like) you're supposed too. And God BELESS (Bless) everyone. MARRY (Merry) Christmas.
Oh, snap! I got a bed pan that needs a good changin'. Send one of them little turdburglars over to my house.
Joss - hilarious as always.
Hope you and yours have a fantastic Christmas season and keep entertaining us in the new year.
In the meantime - great pic at the end of the post - whose the cutie who's been naughty? One of the Testes-Harder brood? She sure has your fine looks!
"Jostlin', I sincerely hope you find our LORD and SAVIER this CHRISTmas. HE is the reason for the season. HE will help you to break from your evil ways. Only throught the BLOOD of CHRIST can you break the spell of the demon drugs and HE will make you OBEY your HUSBEND LIEK your suppose too. GOD BELESS US, EVER ONE! MARRY CHRISTmas"
That made me laugh, then die a little inside.
I told my kids Christmas was canceled due to global warming and if they had a friggin problem with it to ring any prostitute in Copenhagen and get them to put a world leader on the phone. They'll tell you what's what!
I'd love to shoot a load in that place where your tooth used to be...
Get their asses into a soup kitchen for the weekends to 'volunteer' - when they come home asking for lunch/dinner say, "What, you didn't eat? Not my problem!"
Just celebrate Yule (Jule), the holiday on which Christmas is based. Without it, you wouldn't have
-Decorated trees, wreathes, mistletoe, carols (Wassailing), "Christmas" ham (the boar hunt used to honor the Norse god Freyr), Santa Claus (Odin/Woden), and others I'm sure.
Jesus is not the "reason" for any celebration on or around December 25th.
wow.
i really think you have got some things messed up here. Christmas is supposed to be about giving, yes i think its a great idea to have your kids reading to the elderly, but you are almost exploiting them. You brought the kids into the world by your own actions and you seem to be treating them more as slaves than anything else. Why bring children into this world if all you are is selfish and cold? Christmas is about family, love, hope and fun. You are just ruining it for your children, i hope someday you have a great time explaining to your grand-kids why mommy and daddy dont love them, cause you'll have to explain it started with you.
Wow. Lately I've been wishing I was Jewish, because Jews don't have to deal with all the Christmas bullshit. But now if you ain't gone and rekindled my Spirit for the Season!
Have I told you lately that I love you? And no, that's not just the cocaine talking.
xoxoxooXmas, Jocelyn!
Wow, some people don't know how to take a joke! (Hey, I'm a Christian, and yeah, I fully realize we co-opted some previous holidays into the Christ Mass celebration, but I get so tired of the commercial crap of the season.)
Your post made me laugh (not knowing you, I can only hope you're joking.)
josh
you know when I am feeling a little pissed off and grumpy, I always come to read your latest post! Thanks for the chuckle! It's great to see some people have a sense of humor! What you need to do next is some movies or shows! I'm sure you'd be a hit! Merry SHIT-MAS!
Nice missing tooth.
No, really.
anyone notice how this bitch never has the common sense and decency to comment all us back and justify her fucked up actions! your nothing but a coward!!! Im going through all your post right now and I swear to god and my savoir jesus christ whom is the reason why we celebrate christmas! fyi! i dont know were people are getting this pagan,yule,odin-santa religion crap!us christans didnt take anything from any religion!!! why would we need to? our relgion is obvious the right one-and dont make me constrast and compare.so yea.. everything that we do and celbrate is in the bible! might try reading it sometimes all you devil worshipers and liars!!!!
jocelyn you need to go to church and pay attention.
and my hand are clean so that gives me the right to point my squeeky clean finger down to all you hellians!
This is horrible, I am a concerned parent of three and this is most definitely child abuse and exploitation. Exposing your children to such an environment is hazardous to their mental health. No child should have to spend Christmas pulling catheters out elderly peoples genitals or cleaning up they're day old feces. Go ahead and don't approve my comment for posting, I just want you to know that I printed out every blog entry you have done and have submitted it along with your websites address to child protective services. No child deserves to be treated the way your treating yours, and even if you did care about them (although its obvious you don't), you seem to have a serious drug problem and that is a very hostile environment. What if one of your children found your cocaine and ate it thinking it was candy! How would you feel if your careless actions lead to the overdose and death of your child, would you even care? I've told child protective service about the numerous mentions of drugs and highlighted all the important lines where you put your children in situations completely negligent of a parent. I hope for your children sake that they are not too distraught with being placed into a foster home, but with you as there real mother, I'm sure they'll be thrilled with the opportunity to be loved and cared about by people who actually wanted children for the prospect of giving them a better life and not a drug addict mother who exploits them to get her fix. Expect a call or knock on your door soon, It truly pains me to break a family up but I know your children will be much better off in a loving home away from you. You are sick and I hope once your children are safely away from you, you'll go seek psychiatric help.
Mmmmmmmm, the sweetheart with her tongue sticking out is so hot looking. I could fall in love with her. Yummy.
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