Tuesday, May 19

Making his mama proud!

I took my eight year old son Brandon with me to the grocery store last month. He had managed to make some extra money by helping our neighbor drain her foot, so I let him hang around near the toy vending machines while I shopped. Along comes this kid Matt, a porky little outcast who's a year ahead of Brandon in school.

Matt asked Brandon to loan him a quarter. In good faith, Brandon did so. Matt bought a rubbery sticky hand from the vending machine. Then they went outside the store and Matt threw his toy against the front of the building. It somehow got stuck up high where they couldn't reach. Then Matt did the unthinkable. He told Brandon that he would not be paying him back the quarter!

Brandon is at that age where he's learning how to assert himself. It's not about the quarter. Hell, you could throw a quarter at someone and get your money's worth. It's the principle of the thing. So I told him to demand what's his! Our family doesn't take shit! I told him that if Matt won't pony up, go ahead and threaten him.

Brandon usually walks to school with older kids from our block, and they sometimes run into Matt at the last crosswalk. For three days in a row he warned Matt that his older friends would beat him up one day during recess. Brandon didn't really mean it, and Matt laughed it off.

So around dinnertime last night, Matt and his father showed up at our front door. They'd already been around to visit Brandon's older buddies. Apparently his friends didn't get the memo, because they'd beaten the shit out of Matt during recess that morning. His father pulled the back of Matt's shirt up for us so we could see the bruises that covered his back.

Brandon looked shocked. He had never intended for this to happen. Then Matt's father said, "Matt, isn't there something you wanted to say?". Matt looked up at Brandon, stuck out his arm, and opened his palm to reveal a shiny new coin. "Here's your quarter back..." he said weakly. Brandon took it and said thanks and said he was sorry. Both boys looked devastated.

Later that night I found Brandon crying in his room. He felt really guilty about Matt getting hurt. I did my best to reassure him. I said, "I know you feel bad now, honey, but it was for the best. You got your quarter back! You won, and he lost!". After hearing that he smiled. As I left the room I saw him pull the quarter out of his pocket to admire it a little.


Anonymous said...

Oh this is so full of win.

Anonymous said...

That poor lil' bastard - still has a heart.

I'm sure you will fix that problem soon - so he can become the same cold-hearted asshole that you are

Anonymous said...

but if that happened she would not be able to be as big of a troll as she is. Lewts face it , she just loves popularity. Trashy ass whore.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that's one of the worst lessons you could ever give a child.

Ben said...

It's nice to see a parent teaching their kid what is truly important in life. There are too many goody goodies that get taken advantage of by these twerps.

Anonymous said...

Whaddya mean worst lesson? Everybody learned something.
Matt The Brat learned that he has to pay his debts regardless.
Brandon learned how to delegate authority and hire competent help.
Matt The Brat's father learned that his kid is a brat.
Everyone learned that kids can handle their problems themselves just like the old days.
I'm sure the attorneys will be showing up any day now.

Anonymous said...

Plausible deniability is the greatest lesson of all.

Anonymous said...

your damn right he got the quarter back, man's deman whats his damnit!!

Flinthart said...

I think the problem here is that nobody's addressed the question of interest. I mean sure, maybe Brandon didn't mention it at the time of the original loan -- but that's a valuable concept to understand, and what an opportunity to teach it!

Just a little more effort, and Brandon coulda had two quarters, maybe. Plus an incredibly important insight into business.

I think you missed your chance, there.

Murr said...


are you kidding me? you teach your kid violence is ok to get what you want? its a god damn quarter!

"you won, he lost"?

your kid is gonna be FUCKED UP.

Anonymous said...

Draining a neighbor's foot?
Well that is just wrong, you should have seen that.
And basically this just taught your son that there is strentgh in a gang.
Excellent thing to know in Richmond I would expect, sure that won't contribute to an early death at all.

Anonymous said...

please stay holed up in your hick town and stop teaching kids your crap.

I got an itch said...

I wish my kids were lucky enough to find someone with an abcessed foot. I need to borrow some cigarette money.

Seth said...

Ten shades of awesome, each more brilliant than the last.

Anonymous said...

epic win

Anonymous said...

You should be proud. It's so hard to be a kid these days. My son Jimmy was getting picked on (you know how kids are) and didn't have any older friends to protect him like your son does. So I told him to take a knife to school. I didn't want him to hurt anybody with it, not really hurt, anyway, but I knew if he stuck it in someone just a little, the other kids would back off. So he scratched up this one older girl who's always picking on him and teasing him and trying to kiss him in front of people. The school completely went apeshit and kicked him out, and she wasn't even hurt that much. Just needed a little plastic surgery on her hand, and that was just because her parents were all paranoid about her violin playing. Whatever. But it worked --nobody picks on Jimmy anymore.

I think you're doing a great job. Keep up the good work, girlfriend.

Anonymous said...

What fucked up circle of hell did you come from?
You are teaching your children that threats of violence are the answer. What ever happened to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Seriously you are the type of person who should never breed. You give us people who attack others for being different.

Ang said...

child protective services should take your kids away from you, you stupid ignorant, poor excuse for a human being, whore.

Isabel said...

"Hell, you could throw a quarter at someone and get your money's worth"


I can relate to Brandon's story. I accidentally put a hit on someone once, but fortunately the guy made it out of the hospital alive, and never found out that it was me. I wish I could say he learned his lesson, like Matt did, but he was still an asshole. I guess some people are really dense.