Thursday, May 28

Florida babies!

We're down here in our second home, Florida! Once again, we flew into Jacksonville. I have a cousin there, and she's letting us use her old RV. Apparently her ragamuffin kids have been sneaking in there since last summer to relieve themselves, because the toilet was filled the brim with stinky old brown pee.

Using this RV was supposed to be a money-saving measure, but I'm not sure that it's been worth it. Aside from getting about one mile to the gallon, the goddamn thing has no air conditioning, all the seats are covered in leather-textured vinyl. This is unbearable because it's hot as hell down here right now. Also, when the engine is running the whole inside smells like exhaust.

I didn't realize how nauseating this could be until we ate our first meal at a questionable roadside dairy and clam bar. The kids were moaning about their stomachs all the way to Orlando. That's right! I took these spoiled little shits to Disney World! Disney's Blizzard Beach water park, to be exact. It wasn't easy, because it was Memorial Day weekend, so I had to take a special route to avoid all the DUI roadblocks.

Blizzard Beach is a winter themed water park, and there's a little something there for everyone. My favorite part of any water park is the lazy river. The #1 rule for this attraction is that nobody with diarrhea is allowed in the water. I decided to go ahead and get in anyway, because it's not like I'm ever going to see any of these people ever again! That's pretty much my philosophy for everything when I'm away from home.

The food they were selling at the park was decent looking and reasonably priced, but it adds up with three kids. So for lunch they shared a king-sized pack of Reese's cups that were melted from being in my purse all day. They loved it! They walked around all afternoon with chocolate smeared all over their mouths. Talk about shit eating grins!

By two o'clock the sun was really beating down. The ground was so hot that it was burning all our feet. But on the bright side, it's still a water park, so it's easy to cool down, and the kids never whine about having to pee. Phil doesn't know how to swim, so he stayed out of the water. Within an hour the heat had him sweating like pig. The body powder he uses to keep cool had turned to a pasty batter, which was caked into his curly body hairs.

Of course my stupid kids all got sunburned, so they had a blast slapping each other in the RV on the way out of the park. Then they fell asleep. That's when we took the opportunity to ditch them with the RV in a souvenir shop parking lot (with a stick of salted butter to treat their sunburns with). Phil and I took a shuttle to Downtown Disney. It was raining all evening, and I didn't wear a bra, so some folks really got an eye full!

We've decided to finish up our week in beautiful Siesta Key, which was recently rated the #2 beach in America. The kids are having fun throwing shells at pelicans and playing catch with the turtle eggs. It's cool how the state puts little flags on the nests so the kids have less trouble finding them. I think that recent shark attack in Clearwater ruined the joke I had planned, because people didn't appreciate it when I yelled out, "SHARK!" at the sight of a few dolphins.

P.S. I realize now that I should have taken the easy route!

14 comments:

mike said...

Awesome

Thanks for these - I look forward to them!

Anonymous said...

Reading your post brings back all the memories of taking the kids to Florida in July. But it was always such a pain in the ass to keep peeling their pajamas off their blistered, oozing backs every morning. Man, some of my favorite memories were those turtle egg omelets. Good times, good times . . .

Anonymous said...

one word...genius

Flinthart said...

Eeeyyyyeewww...

Anonymous said...

three words... fucking ass hole

Lantern Bearer said...

You know, you have become a total style setter.

http://www.themercury.com.au/article/2009/05/29/76631_gossip.html

Sir William Dropped His Panties said...

I hath heardth that thou liketh kips of the mud.

Jim said...

I remember getting butter put on my sunburned skin when I was a boy, but the old wives' tale about placing butter on the burn can actually do more damage. It can cause the pores of your skin to clog and keep the burn from 'breathing', thus creating infection.

I'm fair-skinned and used to get a lot of bad sunburns as a boy. Of course, I didn't realize then I would get skin cancer from them decades later.

Unfortunately, the earlier that sun damage to the skin starts -- which can happen with a tan as well as a burn -- the more likely your child is to reach the level of cellular damage that translates into skin cancer. The more times a child experiences sunburn the greater their future risk of skin cancer.

Summer sunburns for kids just seemed to be something to be expected when I was growing up. If I knew then what I know now, I would have been slathering on the sunscreen.

Anonymous said...

Jim doesn't seem to understand that back butter also provides a source for rubbing your corn on the cob. Sunscreen doesn't taste good at all.

Anonymous said...

Back-butter is good for cornholing!

Anonymous said...

Bestest blog EVER!

jazairra said...

this sounds like a series of really bad decisions. please don't come to utah and let your kids piss all over in our nice, disease-free and clean pools, lakes, and rivers. kthanx!

Anonymous said...

Get out of my state!

We have enough morons that call this place home, we don't need you!

Anonymous said...

wow.. they should reference your blog when making the argument for forced sterilization!

I can only imagine this post is in jest.. but all the same. I think you might be better off loading up that old RV with your mentally doomed spawn and letting it run in an enclosed garage for a few hours.