Tuesday, June 2

That little puke!

With over a hundred blog posts, you'd think that I'd have mentioned more than one vomiting experience by now. I'm actually kind of a stranger to the barfcore lifestyle. I only seem to blow chunks under the most extreme of circumstances. That's why I'd almost forgotten about this one gnarly experience that happened back when my son Brandon was just a baby.

It was my day off of work and I'd just finished all my errands. It was time to start relaxing! Since nothing works as well for humans as catnip works for cats, I usually settle for a cold jug of Ice Box brand pre-mixed cocktails. My only complaint about their products is how they make me hungry almost right away. That was especially true on this day, because I was out of cigarettes.

We stopped at Shoney's. For some reason that lukewarm cottage cheese on their salad bar was calling my name! When I got up there the lady stocking the croutons told me to take all the cottage cheese I wanted because she was about to throw it out. I lifted the entire metal buffet tray out of it's spot, carried it to our table, and openly gorged myself like some deranged nursing home patient.

I realized as we were leaving that I hadn't gotten a chance to change Brandon's diaper since that morning, just before I'd put him in his little automatic swinging baby chair. That was a mistake, because riding in that thing always left him with a full, sloppy diaper. I usually had to wipe it off his back afterwards!

So I was tired and wanting to head home, change the baby, and take a rest. But I had promised my daughter that I'd take her to a stupid monster truck show. The goddamn place has a closed roof, so the fumes started getting to me right away. I was also feeling somewhat nervous, because there were just way too many white people in there.

We took our seats and I started preparing baby Brandon for his dinner. I held him to my breast and he began feeding. I used my free hand to muffle his one exposed ear from the loud truck noise. Then a couple vendors came by, so I bought a cotton candy for my daughter and a pack of peanuts for myself. The very first peanut was a bad one, and it left a really disgusting taste in my mouth.

I bummed a cheap cigarette off of the woman next to me. As I took my first drag it made a loud popping sound, which was probably just an irregular clump of chemical additives. It made the smoke taste nasty, which made me choke. The cigarette fell out of my mouth and landed in my lap as I gasped for air.

In doing so I managed to inhale a hearty whiff of Brandon's unchanged diaper. There was no time to prepare. I vomited quick and hard, right in the face of my breastfeeding child. So the next thing you know I'm running through the Richmond Coliseum with a screaming, puke-covered baby, one exposed breast, and a cigarette burn in my Wranglers.

I found the concession window and reached for the napkins. Of course they were that cheap, flimsy kind that break into pieces as you try to remove them from the dispenser. Even when I finally pulled a wad of them out, they weren't absorbing worth a damn. As mortified as I was, I somehow had the presence of mind to stuff Brandon into my oversized purse. Then I carried him out to the van, where we waited for my daughter to find us.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

iI's okay, everyone pukes! If it were me, I'd have sued Shoneys and the vendor!!! And thanks for reminding me that in these tough economic times, one way to cut back is to cut back how often I change my own little one! Thanks Jocelyn!

Anonymous said...

I agree. If you look closely at the diaper box, they give capacity limits. The medium ones are good up to around 18 lbs., which we can stretch up to around three days if we don't feed the baby that much. Tough times require us to stretch a dollar so we can afford Slim Jims and box wine.

Anonymous said...

So, the solution to the high cost of diapers is to limit the amount of food given to a baby, or to let the baby sit in it's own waste longer? Did any of you consider birth control? Because if you can't afford diapers, then you can't afford to have a baby.

I might add that if a woman is breastfeeding, anything that she puts in her body is excreted in the breast milk. That would include the always present slew of poisonous chemicals in cigarettes. I wouldn't recommend drinking Ice Box pre-mixed cocktails while breastfeeding, either. My guess is that you probably indulged yourself and enjoyed your cigarettes and booze all through the pregnancy. That's not the best start in life for a little baby.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure the barf will not cause any long-term damage to the child, unlike your smoking habit.

Anonymous said...

I read your June 20th post about smoking and all I can say is wow, just wow.

I think either this is all just for show or you have discovered a new level of stupid previous undetected.

Either way, wow.

Anonymous said...

Please, oh please shoot yourself in the fucking head and save us taxpayers some money. Your cps, welfare, and prison bills are probably enormous.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised people of your "intellect" can even navigate the internet. By the way, I did read your June 20, 2008 post and all it did was give even more evidence that you're a horrible mother that should be charged with child endangerment.

Old Crazy CatLady said...

I always found diapers to be a huge waste of money, and left them off all of my kids. They're just going to get messy anyway. Without the diaper, all you have to do is find the nearest garden hose and hose 'em down.

Anonymous said...

I agree, you seem like a terrible mother. If you can't afford to raise children, don't have them. Don't smoke while breast feeding and don't place an infant into a purse or abandon your young daughter. Common sense isn't very common.

Anonymous said...

hey guys,
No she is not a terrable mother. It is just that she was brought up by a monkey or something. Because her folks left her in a dumpster when she was born. She doesn't know any better. After all she did graduate from first grade.

Aliceann said...

I love you, Jocelyn.

Seth said...

You're not a terrible mother. In fact, you seem to have superior mothering skills. Fuck all the naysayers. You are bringing back the power of natural selection. When your children grow up well-adjusted and 10x more awesome than everyone else's, you will be able to say without a doubt that they are truly worthy of carrying on the human condition. Work it, girl, work it.

DaveyNC said...

I wont you to have my next child. Please.

Fliptron Persquakulex said...

I love you.

ki77en said...

OMG I lmFao on this one!! Goddamn you're good!

Anonymous said...

I've read some of your other post, I have to say you sound like a piece of shit, horrible mother and a all around waste of space. I hope someone takes your kids away and saves them from years of mental pain.