Tuesday, June 16

Gain favor with Satan!

Y'all know I'm a Christian woman. I may not go to church, but I still maintain a personal relationship with our lord God. While my faith is strong, I believe that in these days of uncertainty It's still a good idea to hedge your bets. That's why I'll continue to do a little something each day to satisfy the whims of Satan. It's not difficult. In fact, he seems to be whispering little commands to me more often than not!

Finding your path to the dark lord isn't something you should overthink. It's as simple as doing his work. You see, God loves all creatures, both human and animal. The only true way to impress Satan is by destroying ourselves and each other. So don't turn your life around when you hit rock bottom! Instead, point your mortal shovel straight to hell and start digging!

The dark lord is a bit of a prankster, so try carrying out a few silly tricks in his name! You might decide to make fun of a really nice handicapped person. Or dig up a freshly buried corpse and leave it on the bus on a hot day. And if you feel like you've been too much of a Samaritan up until now you could probably make up for it by curb stomping a Latter-Day Saint!

Sure, not everyone can afford to put two of every animal into an RV and drive it off a cliff. Sometimes we've got to make do with what we've got. Like one time when my friend and I came across a couple of possums who were locked in the heat of a territorial stand-off. They were so focused on hissing at each other that they didn't even notice when I ran up and punted one of them off into the woods like a football! The other possum nearly shit a brick!

One thing God really hates is false idols. So go ahead and sacrifice a goat to Zeus, or accept The Weinstein Company into your heart. Maybe you could become a top-tier member of Amway. Pray to Miley Cyrus. Or visit a Krispy Kreme donut shop, and give thanks to the gods of sugar by making physical love to a hot glazed right off the belt!

There's one last trick which will practically guarantee you an enchanted afterlife as an earthbound demon. All you have to do is betray a true man of god. As powerful as this act can be, It's really as simple as tainting a priest's communion wine with the blood of a virgin. Or as complicated as hiring John Walsh under some unholy contract, then keeping him busy for months with something stupid, like locating your spare set of car keys.

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19 comments:

Anonymous said...

jocelyn once again youve proved me and the juevinille system wrong!!you may not know what wic is or a high-class blowjob is but when it comes to god you got all those prison priests up against the ropes.preach on!!!!!!

Flinthart said...

Well, shit on it all. I could try betraying a true man o' God... but first I'd have to FIND me one of the slippery bastards. Too damn' difficult. I'm going back to stealing change from blind people down at the bar.

Anonymous said...

Hail Satan, ya'll!

Anonymous said...

NO WONDER I DIDN'T SEE YOU IN CHURCH. I'LL PRAYS FOR YOU.

Brian said...

"Anonymous said...
Hail Satan, ya'll!"

Is it me or does it sound like Meade Skelton wrote that?

Anonymous said...

atleast she is asking for donations to a great cause.

Meade Skelton said...

As a Christian, I think the evils of Krispy Kreme and its tempting glazed big ones should be preached from the pulpit every Sunday!

Baby Beatnik said...

That shit about the possums had me cracking up. You rock.

Anonymous said...

If you are a Christian, the tales from your other blog posts certainly don't radiate Jesus. Not that I am perfect by any means, but I wouldn't deceive people to get someone kicked off campus or thrown out of a movie theater, just to name a few.

Oscar Godson said...

Actually, God hates handicaps Lev.21:17-23.

You'd be doing him a favor. God frequently talks about destroying the blind, deaf, and retarded. Satan apparently doesn't care at all.

Anonymous said...

I laughed till it hurt about those damn possums......just...wow. Pure awesome.

DarkAngel said...

omg I just found this blog today funniest think I've read I love it been reading all morning keep it up can't wait for next thrilling episode lmao

JPeaslee said...

Okay, first I was really concerned when I read this blog. Now I'm definitely loving it!

Anonymous said...

sooo your saying you dont like worshiping false idols and yet you are a christian? sounds like you are being a little bit of a hypocrite to me.

Anonymous said...

this blog is brilliantly right on the line! Like all really good writing- it provokes. you horrify your dumb readers, and tickle the morbid smarter ones... but for everyone this is a fascinating read, with an intense emotional response (which ranges hate to thrill and everything in between). NICE WORK!!

Satans Daddy said...

Catholics are idol worshipers, the Christians, not so much.

Anonymous said...

Let me play "Devil's Advocate" for a second here. In the bible, did Satan do or encourage any of the activities you have described? I think you'll find the biblical record fairly clear that it was God, not Satan that routinely atrocious crimes against humanity from quasi-regular genocide all the way down to beating down on poor Jobe to settle a bet.

In fact,the devil never suggested that he deserved worship, only that God did not. If you temporarily suspend God's self-proclaimed infallibility, the devil quickly starts to look like a hero, and God, a Dick.

Enlightened said...

If God is "all-powerful" then why the hell doesn't he just destroy the devil? I mean he's God. But yea religion makes sense

Jam112681@live.com said...

This is da@ned Near the funniest thing I have read in a while.
How ever I feel that you are showing humor to tell the truth.
You must believe in both. There would be no balance between the dimentions of good, and evil.
So be damned sure to respect and fear both.