Monday, June 8

One fine day!

Saturday was a great day. It started with a trip to the CVS for some lube. I like the warming kind, so I make Phil use it even though it burns his dick hole. I happened to notice an old timer reaching into his back pocket for a prescription. He was unaware that he had dropped two $20 bills. I snapped 'em up and darted into the next isle. I hope he's not on a fixed income, or that old fool will be eating cat food for a week!

It felt like luck was on my side, so I stopped at the off-track betting office. $40 dollars on "Daddy's Rash" to win. Of course that piece of shit came in last. I swear to God, if I ever see that horse I'm going to break all four of his legs. You know I'll do it too! I've done worse, and for a lot less! My only consolation was that the money I lost wasn't mine to begin with.

After that I took the kids to visit mother in the nursing home. It's been so long since we left her there that I'd forgotten what a dump that place is. Everybody's all drugged up and moaning, and the hallway smells like a boiled colostomy bag. We stayed to eat with her but the food sucked. I'm sorry, but raisins with shredded carrots is not a dessert! Mom was so happy to see us that she cried the entire time.

On the way home I decided to get us something good as a treat. I pulled into the Wendy's and waited in a really long line at the drive-thru. I ordered three things of chicken nuggets, and paid for them at the first window. At the second window they hand me these two giant bags. I pulled around the building and discover that they'd given us enough food for like 8 people! Me and the kids filled up. Then we found a quiet highway overpass and took turns tossing chili and hamburger patties onto the cars below.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

hmmmm....taking money from old people and teaching your kids to throw food at moving traffic on the highway.great parenting skills.

Aliceann said...

Your blog is pretty much the best thing on the internet. I don't remember how I found it, but PRAISE THE LORD! This shit is priceless.

Ben said...

Cat food is underrated. It's way better than potted meat.

Anonymous said...

You're a dangerous person and parent. The sooner you're placed in a prison the safer our roads will be. I'll be fowarding this to your local police.ldutdcflutdkut

Aliceann said...

Psssshhh. All these fools talking shit are just haters.

Brian said...

I think the smell description of a nursing home was dead on!

Anonymous said...

I couldn't think of a better way to spend an afternoon than teaching kids to steal from the elderly on a fixed income or gamble whatever winnings you may have from an illicit deal! Can I teach kids how to be good members of society like you?

Anonymous said...

Joss you've done it again.
One of the very few things on the internet that actually make me laugh (or snort) out loud.
Good work. The best day ever!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you expect whats coming to you. At the rate youre going you may be waterboarded, raped, and then fed to rats.

Anonymous said...

I hope your crabs get herpes

Shawn said...

This is incredible!

Margaret said...

You look like a meth addict.

Flinthart said...

"...taking money from old people and teaching your kids to throw food at moving traffic on the highway.great parenting skills."

I'll second that. Stealing from the young and fit is dangerous. And throwing food at STATIONARY targets is boring. Your kids are getting a real slice of life. Good on ya!

Toots said...

School will be out and I was looking for something to do with the kids. Thanks for the tips!

Anonymous said...

Just damn, Joss, ya got mad skilz!!!

Anders said...

A whole lot of the negative "anonymous" comments to this blog display extremely similar writing voice, diction, etc. to each other and to your own blog entries. Do you post them?

Laura said...

God bless America