Friday, May 8

Too much stress!

I had a big presentation in front of the CEO on Wednesday afternoon. My knock-off Wonder Bra was sopping with flop sweat. At 3:30 pm, during the middle of a demonstration, I remembered that I'd never dropped off the baby, and he'd been outside in his car seat since lunch! I couldn't get outside to check on him for another 45 minutes!

I decided to get my head straight by taking a personal day on Thursday. I got up extra early for my favorite activity: sitting in the back of a courthouse watching poor people get their lives ruined. Then I drove home to get high. The funniest thing about huffing freon is how I'm getting high for free while my neighbors are sweating their asses off all night!

I let the kids skip school and I drove them to the mall. I told them before we went in that if they get lost inside the mall they'll be abducted and left headless in a canal like John Walsh's son. They were freaked out. We stopped at the food court to feed the baby. I hate the way people stare, but my baby won't eat ripe bananas until I smash them up between my breasts.

As I cleaned up from the feeding I was paged by mall security. They caught my son jamming his own shoelaces into the base of a moving escalator. I explained that the kids are still upset about Easter because all they received was a woman's hat full of low fat Pop-tarts. That's when a big back pimple broke open and started soaking through my white blouse.

After a day like that I'm actually happy to be back at work. Before I get home I'm going to stop off at Dominic's to eat a steak sub the size of a neck pillow. We are out of clean dishes at home, so the children's dinner will be cooked in and served from an old electric foot bath. Anyone who complains is in time out.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

wat

Anonymous said...

and no one called the cops to report child neglect and endangerment??? I hope someone from Social Services investigates that.

Anonymous said...

I'm breathless!!! That's some funny shit right there. Finally I have a use for that crusty old footbath in the basement.

Anonymous said...

Trashy ass whore. No wonder your children hate you and wish you a quick death. It is amazing to me that Phil puts up with your crap.

Flinthart said...

You win! That's just too hilarious for me to add a damned thing.

snake said...

I seriously cringed at the back pimple part. Well done.

Pedro Behr said...

Hey, have you ever thought about selling your children? I know an Austrian man whom pays good cash for them.

grifter4life said...

Very funny.LMAO.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit. I fucking love you.

Anonymous said...

You are the worst human being on earth. Unless you are just incredibly funny and sarcastic. Either way, keep up the good work.

Seth said...

This is without a doubt the best journal entry of any person I've ever read, living or dead. I hope you get a book deal, or at least a regular column in a syndicated paper.

Audrey said...

I was sure you'd blown your cover in this one, then I read the comments. Sigh.