Tuesday, April 28

Pedestrians not wanted!

The good people of the Lakeside area have really got some balls. For starters, we have more rebel flags, black lawn jockeys, and deflated Christmas inflatables than you'd ever want to see in your life. And rather than walk we drive everywhere, thanks to the absence of sidewalks, lack of businesses worth walking to, and the thousands upon thousands of lonely fenced dogs that bark viciously at anything and everything that moves.

I've always felt that pedestrians are a big pain in the ass. Sure, it starts out innocently enough. You watch an episode of "The Biggest Loser" and all of a sudden you're on a kick to walk up and down every inch of your neighborhood. You start to feel better about yourself, you're getting fresh air, and you're showing off that brightly colored iPod for all that it's worth.

What you don't realize is that you're annoying me, with your waving, your heavy breathing, and your constant gawking. Walkers and runners are always the ones who discover dead bodies or become random witnesses (snitches) to domestic crimes. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we don't need or want you nosey motherfuckers coming around here. If you don't live on my block, you don't need to be walking down it, period!

Another thing that bothers me is how pedestrians always demand right of way, even though they don't deserve it. If you're walking then you're obviously not in that big of a rush. I'm not driving my car because I'm trying to get heart smart. I've got somewhere to be, dipshit, and fast! If you want to walk so bad then maybe you should drive to a designated area, like a mall or a running circle.

Luckily we homeowners still have one tool at our disposal: our dogs. Take my rottweiler, Muffin. He's somewhat of a typical Lakeside dog: angry, stupid, and largely neglected. He got into some trouble in our old neighborhood, so this new home has been the first chance I've had in months to expose him to the public eye. Now he's got a nice little backyard to work with, and there's nothing he likes more than defending it against anyone within earshot.

Having all these dogs around the neighborhood really cuts down on the pedestrian menace. Nobody's making it down a single block without passing through a gauntlet of loud accusing barks. It may seem like a nuisance to some, but I feel we have a right to protect our property, even if that means making the fence vulnerable enough to allow a few dogs to break free every now and then.

So please, folks, take the hint. When I look out my window I'd better not catch sight of you power walking by in your sweat wicking shorts, checking your pulse and chatting with your chubby life partner about the curb appeal of each home you pass. If you fail to heed this warning then don't be too surprised when one of Lakeside's many massive, beligerent dogs appears out of nowhere to chew a prize-winning hunk of flesh from your fat ass.
_

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Grumpy old bitch

Anonymous said...

amen sister. i like turning on the sprinklers when i see those type of people walking by. or if im washing my car ill playfully drench htem with the house.hahaha. they love it!
but your right go to the mall and walk or better yet keep yer fat ass in your house and walk in place while watching the maury show!

Dog Breath said...

It helps if you hire / sleep with some teens in exchange for a few minutes of donning jogging attire and whipping your dog with willow branches.

It helps train the dog to go after the right target.

Anonymous said...

Somebody's quite obviously a tub o' lard with misplaced jealousy.

Anonymous said...

AMEN! I live in Lakeside, and make sure that my dog is on someones ass. I get tired of looking outside to see who's ass my dog is trying to eat!

I love it... and STOP talking to my dog when you walk by people, cause when he gets out and bites you, then it's your ass.

I live for my Tacky Lawn Ornaments too.... Fuck the Revitalization Police....

I live for this blog!

Anonymous said...

She has proven how much of a trailer trash bitch she is time and time again. There is no surprize how stupid she is considering she was found underneath a rock. Lets just face it people. she is an idiot.

Flinthart said...

It's the city's fault. They build those nice, flat sidewalks. It only encourages the bastards. And you know what? It's your taxes that go into the concrete, and the maintenance and the weed-spraying and the rest.

What you need to do is get out there with a pry-bar, tear up a few slabs of sidewalk at random. That'll tell 'em they're not wanted!

FanGuy said...

LOL! Brilliant!

Paul H said...

As a veteran pedestrian I have developed useful strategies to combat asshole drivers. Lightning reflexes and a swift kick in the door panel do quite nicely, plus the abilty to run like hell.

See you downtown.

harleyrydr said...

Well Ms. Harder I'm back but much to your surprise we won't be fighting this time.Great comments,very very funny and I agree,this is exactly WHY I bought my 25acres..Nothing but the dogs,trees,grass and wildlife in every direction.See ya

Anonymous said...

you are one dumb ass fucking nasty bitch.

Robert said...

Did you know that a collapsible baton, if used properly, can shatter a windshield?

Just so you know...

kay zee said...

What about thin, fabulous people walking on your retarded sidewalk, HOMEOWNER?

Anonymous said...

I'm going to take the biggest draft beer shit in your front yard you fucking cunt

Anonymous said...

"As a veteran pedestrian I have developed useful strategies to combat asshole drivers. Lightning reflexes and a swift kick in the door panel do quite nicely, plus the abilty to run like hell"

I am a veteran driver - with a useful strategy in dealing with stupid shit pedestrians - remembering to get a good look at your face and remembering where you kicked my door in. I guarantee that we would meet up again and I stop my car and swift kick your ass...I actually did this one day..

Anonymous said...

Wow. As I, and many other have stated, you are the fattest, sorriest excuse for a human EVER. Jesus. And what disturbed me about this one was the fact that you pointed out

"Pedestrians are always the ones who discover dead bodies and are random witnesses (snitches) to domestic crimes."

Jesus, I hope no pedestrians are 'Ruining your day' by walking on your block when Phil finally goes batshit-wendigo on your ass in the front yard.

Go die bitch.

Anonymous said...

By writing so many awful things about your Rottweiler you are completely perpetuating a pre-conceived notion that many people already have. It's people like you that make dogs like Rottweilers a hard-to-adopt breed. It's too bad that, for whatever reason, redneck trash seems to feel it necessary to own dogs that already have so-called "bad" reputations and then totally neglect them. Any dog that is neglected will be aggressive, but most people don't realize this and you are just perpetuating the stereotype. I have a rottie mix and he's sweet, well-behaved and totally loyal. I hope Muffin never comes back to you and finds a family that will treat him like he should be treated.

Anonymous said...

LOL wow you need to get some real problems cat lady