Thursday, April 9

Parenting ain't easy!

I've gotten dozens of angry comments from you non-parents who think raising kids is so simple. I can understand why it would seem that way from the outside. I just wish you could spend this week in my shoes. I've taken off work because my kids are on Spring break (somebody has to watch their asses!). The worst part is that we're stuck at home together. I was going to take them somewhere, until I remembered last year.

I had taken them all to the King's Dominion amusement park for some fun and rides. Little Jailen, who was two at the time, started whining after only three hours. Then she got all dehydrated and blacked out. It pretty much ruined the day for everyone. I reminded her about that this week, and told her that she's the reason we weren't going anywhere this summer.

On Monday we all went to the grocery store. I made the mistake of taking them through the checkout with me. As I should have guessed, they totally flipped out over the candy rack. I told them "no" and they started throwing a group tantrum. So I tossed a candy bar onto the belt and said, "Fine!". But once I got them strapped into the car I opened the candy wrapper and ate the whole damn thing right in front of them. Tough love never tasted so good!

On Tuesday I screamed at them to either play inside or out. Then I put baby O.J. in the tub with a mouthful of Bubble tape and headed upstairs to the computer. After a while little Jailen started banging on my bedroom door, and I yelled at her for being inside. She kept banging, so I swung the door open, and she told me that Brandon had fallen off his bike. That idiot had managed to dislocate his shoulder, and had to drag himself home all the way from the cul-de-sac. I told them not to play so far down the street!

On Wednesday my pregnant 15 year old daughter decided to run away. We've been fighting like cats and dogs lately, so I'm not sure that I even want her to come back. Then I think that she's probably hiding out in some unwed mother's shelter getting all kinds of bad advice from god knows who. Eventually she'll realize that she needs me to help guide her through the realities of pregnancy and motherhood.

So it's Thursday now, and I'm pretty much at my wit's end. I just had to figure something out. The thing is, I never hit my kids. A good parent knows that it's better to outsmart them. They wouldn't ever eat their vegetables until I told them that broccoli helps you fart. So this morning I told them that the wooden spoon (which I use for spaghetti sauce) is stained red because I'd beaten my first child to death for misbehaving. It seems to be working so far!

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

DO YOU EAT PAINT CHIPS STOP HAVING CHILDREN AND PUT THEM UP FOR ADOPTIVE CARE YOU SICK SADISTIC _____

balance said...

I love this blog! Keep up the good work.

Lou said...

That's some sound parenting advice thanks Jocelyn - outsmart, outlast..the trials of parenthood eh?

Dog Breath said...

Your daughter didn't run away, she is under the porch getting ready to drop the litter. It's just instinct.

You might want to drop some velveta and bannana sandwitches between the boards. Labour is hard work!

Anonymous said...

I still think that planned parenthood should use her as there spoke person. After all she is Mrs.Perfect :-)

bottomfeeder said...

Would you like to meet for coffee sometime? I'll buy.

Flinthart said...

I find that TV movie marathons are a big winner. Of course, it's tough keeping their interest past the third hour or so. Movies with a lot of action and violence are the way to go. Something like Fast and Furious is always a winner, but that Disney shit just bores 'em to tears, and then you have to go and settle them down again.

Jack Alexander said...

What? You still bitching about breeding like an animal? I can't believe anyone would want to wake up next to you in the morning, much less get on top of you. He must be blind or drink a lot. You're more than a 6 packer--it would take two cases. And you're a double, not make that a triple bagger, just in case the first two slip off.

obbop said...

Blame the intrusive government and the vile disgusting putrid foul politicians for interfering with our private lives.

Those vile spawn should be an asset instead of a liability.

Remove those invasive child labor laws and get those kids working in the mines, factories and on the farms where they belong.

Allow those spawn to feel the benefits of being contributing members of the household vice being a burden upon parents and society.

Anonymous said...

Can't stop laughing, thanks!

Anonymous said...

What really surprises me is that your kids don't take a knife & try to poke you with it

hiliary said...

to all idiots making comments about her parenting skills and sadism, are you really that friggin dumb? if so go kill yourself for the good of mankind.

Its a joke do you call characters in movies on the 555 numbers?

Anonymous said...

Ha! I love the word verification too! I'm drunk and even i know this is a joke! Some people need to chillax...

Shane said...

Jocelyn,

I've been reading for awhile and have never taken the opportunity to thank you, so!--Thanks for the laughs.

I have to wonder what you do in "real life," because it's clear from your writing that you have rich experience in post-secondary education.

Anonymous said...

@hiliary: I have the right to be as dumb as I want to be - but to suggest some1 to commit suicide is borderline criminal

Anonymous said...

Wow!!!! I just came upon your interesting blog from a link from another site. I teach GED classes in a VA state prison and I immediately sensed a familiarity with the thoughts that you express in your blog. My students, (felons) have very similiar attitudes, thoughts and morals that you do. Have you ever been to prison? If you haven't I suspect that you have visited many a family member or boyfriend in our various jails and correctional institutions. I suspect that your children will be seeing the inside of the Inside quite a bit in their lives. YOU are exactly what is wrong with our country. You are trash, but you are probably proud of that title.

Jocelyn Testes-Harder said...

So you teach GED classes to trash?

That must be rewarding.

Robert said...

It's liberal, permissive parents like you that have made our country go to hell in a handbasket. You need to learn to get tough with your kids like our former President GW Bush got tough with the terrorists. The next time your kids misbehave, waterboard them. It's what my parents did to me, and now I thank them for it everyday after thanking the Jesus.

Anonymous said...

My mom used to (hell she still does it) tell her friends that I am a prime example of why some animals eat their young. You're a funny writer. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Your kids need to be taken from you and put in foster care where maybe someone else will actually CARE for them. You are sick and pathetic. I pray to god you don't have another child and that your 15 year old stays far the hell away from you. You know nothing about parenting! You make me sick. Go to hell!!!

Anonymous said...

The problems you write about with your children are representative of your ability to manage and understand your own person.

Anonymous said...

are you fucking shitting me? your not are you? this is actually how you live your life? holy motherfuck me you are trash. Your a horrible parent, your "ideas/beliefs" are misconstrued, twisted, and painfully ignorant. You have no idea how to function as a human being let alone a parent. Please do the world a favor and stop breathing.

Anonymous said...

^
|
|
i couldn't agree more, just look at that stupid bogan b1tch's photo.

"15 year old pregnant daughter who has just ran away..." lol fail at parenting, fail at life.

You are truly the scum of scum.

Anonymous said...

good. god. you should write a book about parenting! have you ever thought of chartering a single-engine-flying-cardboard-box plane and threatening to throw them out over some marshland. i do that with my parents for their birthdays to let them know i always have the option of making them disappear.

Mary said...

Some folks wouldn't know humor if it jumped up and bit 'em. This was funny. Especially the bit with the candy bar. Wish I'd thought of it when my kids were small. ;)

Anonymous said...

You're a terrible parent. Kids in general are not easy to raise, but you are seriously fucked up, and it would be a blessing if your kids were taken away from you.

My heart goes out to them, especially your poor 15-year-old daughter.

Laura Jane ♥ said...

I absolutely LOVE that you ate that candy bar right in front of them! YES!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow, please stop breeding.

chanakya2 said...

Can I share this on facebook? Why not, dammit?! I want the whole world to know who stupid some people can be - like me for liking this funny blog!