Tuesday, August 11

Wild Virginia!

We don't always think about it here in Richmond, but take a short drive West and you'll discover that our fine state is mostly a big beautiful wilderness. There are mountains to climb, rivers to raft, and a variety of animals to feast upon. Unfortunately, our relationship with God's creatures isn't always so fruitful!

I'll never forget the time I used Phil's truck to take our trash to an unlocked dumpster. I stopped off for some coffee at a diner just out of town. While stirring my drink I noticed a couple of greedy crows who were tearing the trash bags in the back of the truck. I snuck out the side of the building and began to open fire with my handgun (don't worry, it shoots copper pellets!).

I managed to hit one of the crows, but it didn't die. Instead it started flapping around and crying bloody murder! For some reason that caused another half dozen crows to show up out of nowhere, and they were all screeching like crazy! Then some people in the diner began looking and pointing. I had no choice but to get in the truck and take off, with a trail of garbage blowing out of the truck behind me!

Then there was our weekend camping trip last Spring. I borrowed a truck cab from a friend so Phil and I could take the kids to spend a weekend in Pennsylvania. The cab had been sitting out in a big pile of dry leaves since last year. We threw the cab on, put the kids in the back, and headed out. They ended up having to take their shoes off so they could use 'em to crush all the spiders that came pouring out of that truck cab!

Come to find out, these were actually Brown Recluse spiders! These things have managed to infest not only the truck, but the kid's bedrooms as well. Brandon and little Jailen are now covered in black, gaping spider bites. I'm sure they'll be a real hit at school this season with these dark rotting holes on 75% of their bodies. It's also a pain for me because the holes must be stuffed with iodine soaked gauze at all times!

My final wildlife adventure involved a solo drunken drive home from a bar out in the county. After three rounds of Coal Miner's daughter at the Karaoke machine I was finally sloppy enough to call it quits. On one of the windy back roads I managed to hit something with the van. I watched as the force of impact launched it's lifeless body out into the woods. I have no idea what kind of animal I hit, because all that was left on the ground was some bloody hair and a gold filling.

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11 comments:

The Lone Wolf said...

I hate it when I hit stuff when I'm driving. The front of my car is a total wreck! Plus also, it's such a buzz kill when I have to stop to see if what I hit is dead yet.

Davey said...

Can you send my tooth back, please? You can keep the hair.

M said...

I think you hit Bigfoot. If you had gone back and put him in the back, you would be rich now. Those pompous scientists would finally have to admit what most of us real people already know!

Sazji said...

You could be making money off your kids' spider bites you know - they are testing new drugs to deal with the necrosis and I hear they pay extra for the control subjects vs the real drug and the placebo.

Anonymous said...

Those gaping wounds must stink like the devil. I hope you had the foresight to steal some urinal cakes from that bar to cover up the stench.

Jason said...

Dude, you probably hit a human. That must have been a drunk dude just walking home from the same place as you were and you hit him...?

Brian said...

did you take the gold filling?

Annie said...

I heart your blog but your comments section never fails to amuse me... And seriously, Jason has a point ...*chuckle*...you shouldnt be this drunk when you're drivng.

Lisp Quotient said...

I think I'm in love with you. Even though I'm a homo.

Sazji said...

Lisp Quotient, get in line, and I'm a homo too. :) Actually anyone who can think up a nick like "Lisp Quotient" would also definitely be a candidate!

"Lisp Quotient" said...

Sajzi....click on my name and check out my blog.