Thursday, August 27

Roommates suck!

I'm going to be honest. I wasn't ready when I had my first baby. Fortunately my mother was very cool about it. So yeah, I left the baby with her for a few months, and found a place to stay where I could squeeze a few more months of enjoyment out of my own youth before being saddled with a screaming, puking, shit-caked infant. Can you blame me?

I found a nice cheap room for rent in the classifieds. It was in a house owned by a young nurse named Ellen. I paid her a small deposit and moved in without incident. For the first night we got along great! We talked about guys and shared a nice bottle of wine. But soon, like most roommates, we began to have our differences.

For one thing, the bitch had a cat, and I did not want that thing getting on my bed. I would spray it all over with nasty cherry air freshener whenever it came anywhere near my bedroom. Ellen asked me to stop, and to quit wearing her clothes, and eating her snacks. She also asked me to stop telling callers that she was out getting an abortion. Well I'm sorry, but I wasn't trying to be her answering machine!

She complained about me walking around the place naked while her friends were visiting. That was just silly, because this big ol' bush covers up my lady business completely! She would also bitch about me not paying for my part of the utilities, but they were all in her name, so why the hell should I be paying them? I wasn't using that much electricity anyway (other than the dope I was growing in my closet!)

But our biggest problem was that my room was right above hers, and she worked a day shift. She couldn't stand the fact that I was free to stay up late dancing and fucking and fighting while she had to go to bed early. She also seemed jealous of my 50-year-old sugar daddy, who paid all my shit so that I wouldn't have to work.

She finally had enough after returning from her uncle's funeral out of state. She was supposed to be gone all weekend, so I threw this huge rager of a party. At about midnight she came storming up in there and kicked everybody out. Then, as she was telling me off, she walked in her room and found three guys banging a fat hooker on her bed. To make matters worse, the hooker's pimp was sitting in her papasan chair, watching.

Eventually I just gave in to her self-righteous demands and made arrangements to move out. But before I left I made a point of letting her stupid "indoor" cat out the back door. Then I dumped its litter box out into her underwear drawer. And finally, to make sure there was no misunderstanding, I smashed a large jar of kim chee against her headboard, which sent hunks of fermented cabbage and shards of broken glass all over the top of her pillows and bedspread.

_

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

why arent you dead yet?

Anonymous said...

Just damn, everything was flowing along great, and then...where the hell did the kimchi jar come from?

Anonymous said...

It sounds like your old roommate was a real bitch. I had a pain in the ass roommate once and i used to stick his toothbrush in the sweaty part of my butt cheeks every night. I was able to sleep much easier knowing that he was eating some of my shit because i was sick of putting up with his.

Shawnna said...

don't let dem haters hate on u, u should be my roomie we can fuck it together!

DonWayne said...

Wow! Just WOW! you should win a nobel prize for this one! and your bush covered lady bits? I snewed a piece of carrot out of my nose on that one.

Anonymous said...

The beauty of having a 50-year-old sugar daddy is that someone that old doesn't care much about your grooming habits (or lack thereof).

Anonymous said...

Jocely, this is lovely and all but I really feel like I'm beginning to miss the day to day of your life, honey. I like it when you recounted your frugality by getting your laptop for next to nothing. I like to hear about what a great parent you as you struggle to expertly raise several children in this big nasty world. I miss hearing about you in the present, Jocelyn. I really do.

Anonymous said...

The City of Angels has perfect housemates for you. Might i suggest you take a visit there? Best Wishes!!
-Angel

Dusty Chenille said...

Daaaaamn, NICE touch with the kimchee! I'm writin' that one down for the next grudge I hold. Hope you didn't get any cabbage or glass in your bush, though, that would be a venge-buzz kill for reals!

Jason said...

You had a sugar daddy?

Why do you never talk about him?

Anonymous said...

this is fucking outstanding.

Baby Beatnik said...

You've been given an award! Come check it out!! :) http://beatniksbeatonlife.blogspot.com/2009/08/im-lovely-blogger.html

Darr said...

Heh... I always wondered what happened to Uday and Qusay's long-lost little sister. How prescient of Grand Funk to make an 8+ minute song about you 4 years before you were even born!

Anonymous said...

You know... I've read a few of these... and I can't figure out why anyone would read this shit. Or give a fuck about you. Or this site.

I won't be back. You are disgusting and a waste of time.

K8 the Gr8 said...

Jesus it's an American with a sense of humour!!! Fair fucks. After reading about your driving habits and your excellent parenting advice I might even have to give you my totally unique but pointless Dog's Bollox award.

Your blog is like the croutons in toenail soup. Crunchy but in a good way.

Anonymous said...

You are the most meanest of the mean women I have ever not met. Call me later? Please?
Ame in TN

JolieODell said...

I think you're a genius.

I've heard that shrimp tails stuffed into curtain rods tend to be the slow burn of roommate revenge - ya know, just in case you're in a bad sitch in the future and are stuck for inspiration.

Sazji said...

I find that even a small container of Thai fermented shrimp paste can do wonders to get the point across, when placed into a very hot dryer full of a roomate's clothes...the perfect remedy for tightasses like that roomate. Maybe you could track her down at a laundromat, just fer old times' sake?

Wes said...

Yes! The old kimchi bomb!!!

useless organ said...

I think I love you.

trina said...

OMG! Your r so like my hero!!!

Anonymous said...

You are a complete disgrace to all mothers. Not to mention you are a pathetic one. I actually feel sorry for you. Go get some self-respect for yourself. You are a sad excuse for a woman. Also go get your teeth fixed. Peace.

Anonymous said...

I love kim chee.

Anonymous said...

Don't EVER fix those teeth, and don't let them get you down. You're PERFECT just the way you are...., about five hundred miles away from me!!! LOLz.

Anonymous said...

Do the world a favor and die. Thanks

Hugh said...

You are a perfect human being.
I am now going to waste an enormous mount of time reading and savoring every post.
Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

Stop breathing my air! you waste of life! You were an appalling room mate! who doesn't have the brains to see it!