Wednesday, September 2

I do it my way!

We only get one life to live. Some of you may be satisfied with whatever the lunch lady of fate slops out onto your tray, but I'm not. I demand the best, and I get it! I don't wait around for the good things in life. I take what I want! That's because unlike y'all, I have a backbone! Y'all probably think I'm selfish. But if life isn't all about me then why the heck did God put me smack in the middle of it?

Picture a restaurant at closing. Some of y'all would be too timid to enter, but not me. I'll walk right up in that bitch. I'll even tell the manager to stop all the sweeping and wiping off of tables because it's annoying. Then I'll order up a massive breakfast platter, and demand that each item be served on a different plate. Sure, I may get some attitude, but they only have themselves to blame for not locking the doors!

Another thing I won't fool with is crowded spaces, like airplanes, or DMV waiting rooms. So I make myself comfortable by sitting with my knees spread wide apart, and by taking over both armrests. I'm also not going to hold my gas, or cover my mouth when I cough. The sole purpose of a cough is to project germs as far away as possible, so to cover my mouth would be counter productive. It's not my fault the place is so crowded!

I even apply this attitude towards my driving. I've actually memorized the lights on my morning commute, so it's my pleasure to blare the horn at everyone about 10 milliseconds before the light turns green. And for some reason I always have to spit, and it's nasty to swallow it. So when I'm at a red light or stop sign I like to open the door and spit out on the ground. It's also a good time to pour out any unwanted beverages!

I'm a very busy woman. So yeah, I take parking spaces even if other people are already waiting for them. I also won't hesitate to take up two spaces. I do not need some fool dinging my Mercury Cougar! That extra space is useful too, because when I'm done with my shopping cart I can just wedge it into the side of the car next to me. And I can keep my door open all the way when I'm dumping out my ash tray, (and all those empty packs)!

This last bit isn't my wildest confession, but I'll tell you about it anyway. I always throw my trash into recycling bins. It's not that I hate the environment, I just hate the way trash cans stink! And if I can't find a recycling bin on the curb for Muffin's poop bag, I wait for the first barking dog we see and throw the bag into its yard. It's actually pretty cool because some of 'em will catch the bag in mid-air!

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32 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lady, you sound like a cunt.

Anonymous said...

Why waste a perfectly good bag? Just lead Muffin into someone else's yard and let her do her thing. Now you have an extra bag to store your weed in or let your baby play with so she won't annoy the shit outta you.

K8 the Gr8 said...

I never thought of pre-green beeping!!! Savage idea that is. Consider it stolen.

Anonymous said...

Obviously you've never wanted a new grill. I suppose if you had, you would not look like a Denny's waitress from Union Co., TN. So... use your feminine guile and tenacity to cop something useful to women... improving your looks.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, don't confuse yourself with the powerful woman comment. You are a nasty, inconsiderate, sloppy, piece of white trash..... Why don't you go demand a freaking dentist to fix your pissed off grill too....

Annie said...

hahaha, Nastyeeeee! @last confession!

Anonymous said...

You're funny. I liked the comment about the dog catching the poop bag mid-air - hilarious!

Kaddy said...

haha, i love Anonymous comments.

DonWayne said...

I am an anonymous tough guy and I am going to give you a what for! Bla bla bla!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow you're fucking ugly!! Looks like your fucking face caught on fire and someone put it out with a fucking rake!!!

Anonymous said...

It is just too funny that people really take this blog to heart. Keep on keeping on. You are as funny as crap in a burrito!!

Perfect Man said...

Looks like you caught some train wrecks with your face. Women who smoke smells worse than doggy pooper scoopers.

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn i love you but never cause problems for people who prepare your food YOU never know what happens in the kitchen of an restaurant if you catch my drift and i hope you do other than that i admire you tenacity and your hard work.

Jason said...

You still go to DMV? I figured youd be doing everything online?

The Lone Wolf said...

Love how the very first comment brings it with the C word. How original. Don't let them get you down girl! They're just jealous haters is all!

Anonymous said...

You are scum. Plain and simple.

Anonymous said...

FYI,when you come into a restaurant the way you have described, know that we do all sorts of nasty things to your food. Spit, piss, and other bodily fluids make their way into your food and beverage. For beauties like you, we'll use our penises to stir your drink, or we'll dunk our testicles into your milk. One of my favorites is when we take the bread and rub it on the walls of the urinal. From the looks of it though, you shouldn't have any problems with the pubes sticking in between your teeth. Bon appetite!

Mark Parsons said...

Jocelyn

There are people who know what they want, and people who are just plain offensive. Most people have a common decency and courtesy, they are not the bitter arrogant and rude.

Sounds like at 36 you still haven't sorted out your teen angst issues, and bottle a sizeable emotional insecurity that you feel you have to assert yourself in such a public way so that people might notice you.

I have to say that the need to publicise the open relationship is yet another insight into your insecurity. And no I am not tempted.

My wife is what I call a strong woman, but she has a poise, tact, and a tenacity to be who she wants to be. She represents what a strong woman is, which is everything you are not.

I feel sorry for kids

Anonymous said...

I have a proposal for you, Jocelyn.

First we'll kill a suitcase or two of Natty Ice. Then we'll go to the Waffle Iron and order a big spread. Grits, waffles, pancakes, eggs, a couple of pecan pies, one of everything on the menu. Smothered and covered, oh yeah.

As soon as it's delivered and the waitress turns her back we'll strip naked, passionately tearing each others clothes off and falling into each others arms right there on the table, flinging plates and eggs as our flailing limbs and thrusting loins take over.

We'll shag like wild animals with such ferocity and passion that they won't dare stop us and will be too deeply in awe to call the cops. After we're done making the beast with two and sometimes three backs I'll vomit in the nearest coffee urn or potted plant and light up smokes for both of us.

At this point we'll refuse to pay for all the food, because of course we didn't eat any. We were too busy and distracted by our passion.

They'll protest like a bunch of whiny bitches, of course, but that will only inflame our desires which we will act out in a fresh booth. Since we're still covered in pie, eggs and grits we'll slip and slide in the vinyl booths like it was buttered satin. We will also make use of several counter stools, the counter, the lobby benches and the pie case before they finally chase us out into the street.

Since they'll probably be forced by the health department to burn down the restaurant and have the ashes interned at Yucca Mountain for safe keeping I reckon it's a foolproof plan.

But I don't want any more kids. If you get pregnant I'll pay for the abortion. But if you want to keep it you'll have to prove it by drinking a flat of Hamm's in your third trimester and wrestling a bear while falling down a flight of stairs and chain smoking.

OMFG so hot. BRB, fucking the mayo jar again.

(Best part about fucking the mayo jar? I haven't had to buy a new one in months. People keep making sandwiches, but the jar is always full! Win!)

Anonymous said...

Only fat cunts defend stupid fat cunts. Fact.

Anonymous said...

OMFG did someone beat you with an ugly stick? No wonder you don't give a shit about anyone or anything, you've got nothing to lose.

Also, to the people commenting about Anonymous posts, you're basically just as anonymous. This is the internet you fucking morons.

Anonymous said...

While some of your points are valid, you sound like what's wrong with society - people that think they deserve two spots because they are alive. Hope you have friends...

Anonymous said...

Go Jocelyn!

CochinitaPibil said...

@ 'Perfect Man' - at least the tobacco taste in our mouth will cover up the schmega stench you're packing in your pants; it's the only way a blow job is tolerable at times.

You're new mantra is: smells like soap, tastes like fritos.

Anonymous said...

Powerful is one thing...cheap and ordinary another. You are not powerful...
If you want to behave like a bitch maybe you should try to add some style to that. But being that stupid that will be hard for you.
Btw...you should go and see a dentist...

And I am not registering here so you can have my name...I also will be signed Anonymous...but if it satisfies you to have my name...it's Dee from Germany.

Lomax said...

You are a disgrace to human kind. I'm pretty sure you eat this shit up though. Are you glad that you are a fucking waste of life?

Anonymous said...

You have KIDS? As in plural? They must be twins. I can't believe someone fucked you twice.

trog69 said...

"You have KIDS? As in plural? They must be twins. I can't believe someone fucked you twice."

Okay, that's pretty funny.

Shawn Hookings, Arlington, TX said...

Here you go.
I don't know who made the first comment, but I'm not anonymous, and I'll still call you a cunt. You seem to believe that we should all be proud of you, and be happy that you speak your mind, and do whatever you want to do. Powerful women? Please. You somehow have come to the conclusion that you are powerful when you are just and abrasive bitch. And it seems that all your fans are white trash just like yourself. You're entitled because you're an Amur'can, and that's all anyone needs to know.
Fortunately, with people's overall tendencies to group with trash of the same kind, I won't have to worry too much about y'all trashing up my internet. So thanks for sticking to your little dirty corner of it.

trog69 said...

Well baby, let's get the kids and pack our shit; We're movin' to Arlington, Tx! Woohoo!

When we get done with that place, they'll rue the day they didn't roll out the red carpet for us white trash folk.

Now, hurry up and get the trailer hitched up...I gotta go get us some beer for the trip. Yeah, yeah, and some chips for the kids. Damn, can't ya just breast feed the older ones, too?

Shawn Hookings said...

trog69:
Leave your refrigerator box next to the library where you go to post comments. You can get another one from the local Sears when you get here. But don't get too comfortable. Remember, here in Texas we like to put homeless retarded daughter fuckers on death row.

Jen said...

"While some of your points are valid, you sound like what's wrong with society... "

I believe that is the whole point of this blog.

Love it Jocelyn, keep on writing!