Tuesday, September 29

I want the gold, sucka!

All the girls at my work are into running and fitness. They've spent the entire Summer talking about all the marathons and triathlons they've participate in this year. I'm sick of hearing about it! That's why I decided to do a little talking of my own, by bringing in a shiny gold medal! I got online and found a little-known 5k race where I could be assured of an easy win.

The kids and I showed up a little late. The crowd was very small, maybe 250 people. We were told that the race was being held to raise funds for some really rare form of cancer. They only had one lady there who actually had the disease! She introduced herself and tried to sell us a raffle ticket for a chance to win a cute beaded anklet her daughter had made.

I started looking around at the competition. The only two I really had to worry about were this old guy who was really fit for his age, and some dude from Kenya. I pointed him out to Brandon, who nodded back at me nervously. Meanwhile, little Jailen was hiding under the raffle table trying to swipe that bracelet. I tell ya, the kid has taste!

The lady with cancer gave a small speech, and people started to get teary eyed. Then a preacher came up and lead everyone in a prayer. I took the opportunity to sneak off towards the park bathrooms. Then I quickly ducked down into the woods. Everybody said, "amen", and they lined up to start the race. I could see the first 200 yards of the race from my vantage point. They fired the starter pistol and the runners took off.

At about 120 yards I could see my little Brandon leading the crowd at full sprint! That's when he took his dive, causing our Kenyan friend to trip over him and slam into the ground. The fit old guy stopped to help them up, while the crowd ran past. The beauty of this maneuver was that these two would no longer have any idea who was in front of them in the race!

After about 18 minutes I could see the old man and the Kenyan making their way back through the entrance to the neighborhood. They were out in front again! I reached into my bag and opened up the water bottle full of liquid feces that I'd prepared. I knew I would need to appear as though I'd truly pushed myself to the limit! It was now or never!

I poured the whole thing down the back of my running shorts and took off like a maniac, straight out of the woods and towards the finish. My timing was perfect. As soon as I hit my stride I looked back and saw the guys making it around the turn, just as I was heading into the last curve. I could see the whole crowd going nuts as I hauled my out-of-shape ass all the way to the finish!

The feeling of winning was just incredible! Everyone was amazed at my time of 20 minutes 45 seconds. The lady with cancer was so moved by my win that she ran up and hugged me, despite my crap covered legs! The Kenyan and the old man looked confused and a little bit pissed. The walkers finally made it back, and the organizers called everyone in to announce the winners.

They awarded me a gold medal and a handy $200 Visa check card. I thanked them and stepped back into the crowd. Jailen and I grabbed our stuff and headed to the car. We found Brandon lying down in the back seat. He had 2 fully bruised legs and a size 12 footprint on the side of his head. That little man earned himself a nice big bowl of ice cream for being such a team player!

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18 comments:

Cindy said...

Bet Phil was pissed you drove that new car in shit covered drawers! But I expect nothing less from a filthy Richmonder! LOL Jocelyn your the bomb! Love the humor!

Anonymous said...

That's the most inspiring story I've ever heard. Not only did you teach your son that there is always a way to get what you want, you also taught your children that with a little preplanning and organization, you'll always be a winner in life.

With any luck, the people in the crowd will feel compelled to add to your winnings instead of donating any money to some obscure cancer that will most certainly kill the woman anyway.

You're a mentor to all of us who know where our priorities are and I know your kids are very proud of you. Keep up the great work.

Michael said...

I LOVE THIS BLOG.
I've read about 4-5 posts and you are one of the funniest people I've ever read. Next time I'm in Virginia, I'm going to have you make some effort to meet you.
And yes, I'm in my 20's and hot.

JPeaslee said...

Wonderful story! You inspire us all with your ability to know exactly what you want and how you want to get it. The liquid feces were definitely a nice touch!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely wonderful, and congratulations to you on your win. Now, I know it's only a matter of time until some non-testicled wuss leaves a comment whining about how you didn't play fair, but the important thing is that you won and you have the medal to prove it. So you can bask in the glory of that golden glow while others whine, bitch, and moan about trying their best but still always end up as losers.

Anonymous said...

Once again, you crack me up.
You'll have to get Phil to fix you up a trophy cabinet.

Kitty said...

Haha, another great entry! I'm totally addicted to your blog now!

Joan said...

That was some funny shit!!

Anonymous said...

i am from richmond and your posts insult the shit out of me. I am ashamed to even live on the same planet as you. one day you will die and i hope soon otherwise i will be the one too. you sicken me ya piece of shit.
good day!

Anonymous said...

Anon above me when's the prize for being the first idiot. HIP HIP. HOORAY!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. You've obviously got a knack for riding the edge and drawing out the rage from those with two digits in their IQ. I can't decide which is funnier- your posts, or the morons' reactions. You've managed to harness the sheep for our collective amusement! Self-propogating humor! The gift that keeps on giving!

Some day, you should consider publishing...but in any case, please don't stop.

Anonymous said...

You're Fat. And ugly. You have missing front tooth you decrepit bitch.

Anonymous said...

Wow girl, it's amazing how some people just can't take a joke. Then they resort to name calling and and stuff!
LOL!
Your post are hysterical.

Cant said...

I have a tested IQ of 163 and there is no dark comedy or anything even slightly funny about this post. People who are trash belong in the trash. I guess thats Richmond. For all non trash living in Richmond ask Obama to bail you out. If he says no show him this blog he will understand.

PeteP said...

Jocelyn always wins in the end!

Anonymous said...

Obviously Cant's IQ of 163 is just not enough to get this blog. Book smarts,,no commone sense. Amazing....KEEP on BLOGGING Jocelyn!!!You are a RIOT!!

ShawniAtlanta said...

OMFG, so many dumb-ass h8ters leaving stupid comments! I totally respect you Joss and anyone with half a brain can tell this blog is totally legit - you can't make up shit like that! They're just afraid of a real woman who won't take their politically correct shit! You 'n me sister - we got the smarts to realise a locked car means your kids are SAFE while you get your nails done and you gotta tell some little white lies about the ex-husband - if he don't get the occasional police visit, what's to stop him stiffing you out of your child support? There's gotta be some compensation for getting stuck with the screaming little shits! Stay strong and keep telling the nasty-ass truth - representing us real women!

Wendy K said...

Every time I read the comments to your hilarious stories I always wonder why all your ex's relatives are named 'Anonymous'.

Weird.