Friday, October 9

Embarrassing the kids!

My damn kids love to accuse me of embarrassing them. It's either my clothes, the way I discipline them in public, or the way I act in front of other parents at school events. I know I do it, but what can I do? Moms are never "cool". They weren't cool even when I was a kid! It's not that I don't try! But nothing I do ever good enough for them, so why do I bother? Pure optimism, I guess.

Back when Darla was just in second grade she started peeing the bed again. Morning after morning I had to begin my day by throwing her sheets in the wash. Enough was enough! I told her that if she wet the bed again I was going to hang her pee-soaked underwear outside for all the kids on the bus to see. The next day I did just that. Needless to say, she stopped wetting after that. I'm not sure if she ever forgave me, but it worked! So what's the harm?

My 9 year old, Brandon, is an even bigger bitch about the way I treat him in front of his friends. I tried to be cool at the JV football game by handing loose cigarettes out to all his little buddies, but apparently they all thought that was weird. Then I wore a slutty top to the "parents n' kids field day", but all the children laughed at my flopping breasts, which made Brandon cry. Then he got mad at the fair because I washed his face off by licking it clean. Well how else does he expect me to remove all that cotton candy residue?

Even little Jailen is getting in on this foolishness. She thinks her three-year-old ass is too big for that stroller. And yeah, she is. She's a little porker to be quite honest. But I don't strap her into the stroller for my benefit. It's so she doesn't run around and get lost! The last time I let her walk on her own she ended up following the wrong mother's ass for several minutes before looking up, realizing it wasn't me, and screaming at the poor women until security had to be called to locate me. Of course I was trying on clothes, so I couldn't even get up there for another fifteen minutes!

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17 comments:

AnaRVA said...

When I was younger my brother would always leave his underwear hanging on the towel rack in the bathroom. I told him if he did it again I would do something drastic. He didn't believe me. The next time I took his underwear, I raised the windshield wiper of his car and hung his underwear on it then drove around the neighborhood with his Hanes flapping in the wind.

That was the end of underwear in the bathroom, or anywhere in visual range for that matter. In fact, I think he was so scarred he stopped wearing underwear altogether.

Norman said...

The details of these anecdotes are just too fine to be made up.

Anonymous said...

Oh I want to be inside you right now darling.. You're the woman in my dreams.. Floppy titties and all..

DaveyNC said...

"...she ended up following the wrong mother's ass..."

Will you bear a child for me?

Anonymous said...

http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/17627

"By some estimates, 60% of multiple murderers wet their beds past adolescence."

Best watch your back, Joce.

Annie said...

hahahhaaha.

You should seriously consider writing a book on child rearing... like seriously!

..and Joce!

Comment moderation and you, just don't go together...

*hug*

keep writing..

A said...

Next time I suggest drowning 'em while they are still young.

Anonymous said...

Poor little Jailen! Let her out of the stroller - buy a leash instead!

Anonymous said...

Very nice work with handling Darla. I would also include in her punishment that she must set at least five fires a day and mutilate one small animal a week. Then once she gets on track, have the rest follow. It's really quite easy once you get the first going. Good Luck! :)

Charlotte said...

mmmmm cotton candy

James said...

After reading this little doozy Phil is going to be stuffing cotton candy down his pants

Chester said...

Wow... I just... find myself dumbstruck, omg! *laughs*

Anonymous said...

These kids are in for years of therapy or a lifetime of bad choices..

Anonymous said...

You can't be serious, is this actually how you treat your children?! You embarrass your daughter for wetting the bed when its not even her fault.. she doesnt choose to wet the bed. You hand out cigarettes to children?! And you think trying on clothes is more important than finding your lost child?! My god, you are the least fit person to be a Mother. Your kids are going to be fuck ups... and in a few years you are going to wonder why. BLAME YOURSELF !

Anonymous said...

I'm a bit disturbed, this is ACTUAL child abuse. Bloody Americans.

SthrnSqrl said...

Anonymous said...

I'm a bit disturbed, this is ACTUAL child abuse. Bloody Americans.

No no no...she didn't beat them bloody. She merely found what works and went with the flow. Beating them bloody is always a last resort...cos let's face it...with all the jumping around and screaming they do while the beating is taking place, really makes a mess. No one wants to have to clean all that up.

Alexander_Betzel said...

I hope this isn't real. But it probably is. You're a horrible human being, but it's funny, so keep them coming I guess. Wow! You really are giving your children no chance at all.