Wednesday, September 9

Strangers in the night!

Last night I visited Empire, a local bar that's popular with the young people. It's more crowded than usual because VCU is back in session. I only meant to have a couple drinks, but ended up finishing off their last bottle of Bushmill's, along with a couple glasses of hard cider. I headed for the restroom, but it was full, so I stepped outside to pop a squat.

That's when I noticed this good lookin' dude outside the Mediterranean restaurant across the street. He looked pretty young, but had this scary face tattoo, and the piercing eyes of a violent sociopath. After gawking at a group of young college girls he turned his glance towards me. I must admit that after a moment of curious eye contact I was totally hooked!

He followed me into the alley and watched me pee. Then we split the plastic flask of Bowman's vodka that I keep in my purse for emergencies. He broke out a pipe with some meth and we got really tore up. He confessed that he had just gotten out of prison, and only had that face tattoo to keep men from hitting on him in the showers. He dared me to kiss him. I did. Then I dared him to punch the next person who walked by.

From there we kept making dares, and it got really funny. He dared me to grab somebody's ass. I jumped out and grabbed the ass of some poor freshman. And I don't mean a harmless cheek squeeze. I'm talking about a deep grab, with the middle finger hooked towards the balls and everything! That poor boy squealed and ran off swearing like a sailor!

We spent the next hour like that, harassing kids and making bets. I got him to start asking people for change, and some of them actually gave him money! Even the people who turned him down were nice about it. But there was this one kid that said no kind of rudely, and we could tell he had money. We gave him a world of shit, and even followed him up into the student parking deck, yelling and threatening him.

It's funny now, because I never asked this strange man's name, but the added mystery started to make me wonder about the guy. He asked me for a ride, which was fine, but then kept implying that I should take him home with me. I had no intention of doing that, but I made him think that I would. I gave him a couple of pills that I told him were ecstasy, but actually they were these hardcore tranquilizers that I bought from some sketchy bitch at the Greyhound bus station.

So we're riding in the car, and suddenly he pulls out an envelope of money that the prison gave him when he was released. It contained a couple hundred dollars. He said I could have all of it if I slept with him. I smiled and winked. That's when he passed out, face first into the dashboard. I drove on to a quiet side road, emptied his pockets, undressed him, and rolled him into the ditch. This was not easy for me to do, because he was a heavy little fucker, and I could have used the sex.

.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

pretty funny shit right there.

Ryan said...

Nice article as always. Something to give me a good laugh at the middle of the week. thanks

Goldfinger said...

I just don't understand what you are trying to do in life! But one thing is sure, you are really living your life. Only thing is you should not regret for your deeds when you get old and look back. I am a guy, and My life is no different from yours. But sometimes i feel, i did some mistakes and i am paying for it. Life counts everything and there are no excuses! and its also true that we miss all fun if we follow all rules ;)
Enjoy!

Anonymous said...

ever worried you'll end up dead in a ditch somewhere? i doubt your family would be surprised if you did.

Anonymous said...

wow that is fucked up, but funny as hell you are awesome, like tucker maxx!!!!

Anonymous said...

You had me at first- funny, funny stuff. Kind of weird funny but still funny. I don't think everyone is getting it though... which is funny as well.

Anonymous said...

you are fucking hilarious.

Dusty Chenille said...

Sigh! I miss the giddy, heady days of carefree romance! It's been so long since I hooked up with a dude in an alley, ending the evening a couple bills richer... sigh. Thanks for taking me back my youth, Jocelyn. xoxox

Anonymous said...

You made sure to get his wallet before you dumped him, right?

Kaddy said...

bahahaha!
i love reading your blogs.

seriouslyyy.

Jason said...

I figured you would have had sex with him?

Anonymous said...

psycho

Kitty said...

Hilarious, this blog made my day. So glad some moron posted it on Craigslist.

Anonymous said...

Love It!!

Anonymous said...

why would you hang out at empire? that place sucks.

Anonymous said...

it doesn't suck to a white trash hooker.

Anonymous said...

excellent

Anonymous said...

you are disgusting

Melissa said...

I had to go to the bathroom the other day, so I went off in this alley, and I saw that actor guy with big hips from the Firehouse Theater, throwing up right next to me! Richmond is so scene.

Anonymous said...

I have the funniest feeling that when you opened your legs to bang him, THEN he dropped dead on your dashboard. Then you rolled him out of the car to hide the evidence, but guess what, WE KNOW! Your smelly disguating lethal vagina will not even be touched by a man just released from prison. Think about that.

Anonymous said...

better safe than sorry I always say....

Anonymous said...

you look like a prize ... for what contest in hell I'm not sure

JolieODell said...

Glad the pills worked!

Anonymous said...

White trash whore.

Anonymous said...

Mwahahaha, you are hysterical!

Anonymous said...

You could at least have left me my pants

Anonymous said...

I agree with Goldfinger. I don't get what you are trying to do in life! After all, you could have had sex AND the money AND ditched him afterwards.

Anonymous said...

"He followed me into the alley and watched me pee. Then we split the plastic flask of Bowman's vodka that I keep in my purse for emergencies."

That is the best thing I have ever read in my whole life! Either this is an act or you are for real, I don't care which one it is, you kick some serious ass!

The best part is that I have SO MANY MORE entries to read!

Gordo said...

HO-LEE-SHIIIIIIIT
That is a proper story, lady you are messed up. Keep up the good work, I might visit this blog again if there is more of this kind of crap. <3

Anonymous said...

You're a bitch, and you're lucky he didn't rape you and leave you somewhere to die. Oh wait, given your pic, he's the lucky one. Nasty.

Anonymous said...

you are a fucking psyko if you think anyone would belive that. you with your nasty ass face. no man with a brain would ask you to have sex with him for money!!!