Friday, July 10

Festival freakout!

It's that time again. That time of the Summer when I ditch my kids with whatever guy I'm seeing and head out to one of the area's many music festivals! But making the most of a festival isn't always as easy as dropping Ecstasy and letting a gang of high school burnouts have their way with you. Sometimes you need a more comprehensive plan!

Day 1:

If you're like me, you hate hippies, because they're the biggest hypocrite conformists out there. Unfortunately you've got to play the game if you want to move about undetected! So on the first night you should sneak into someone's unlocked car and steal a pair of ratty Birkenstocks, and maybe one of those shapeless hippie girl tops made out of an old pillow case.

It also helps if you stop washing until you reek like cumin and balls. Your toenails should resemble barbecue Frito's, and you should start speaking like a 9th grade dropout. Feel free to wear the same underwear and tampon all weekend. And hairy-ass Venus fly trap armpits are optional, but you've already let yourself go this far, so why not?

Now that you look like shit, you're ready to start making moves. There's a ton of great drugs to be bought, and they don't come cheap! So start stacking cash by selling fake hits of acid and dried non-hallucinogenic mushrooms. Stick with the squares. They don't have a clue, and they've actually got money. Then use your profits to buy everything you can get your hands on, because by tomorrow the drug supplies will become extremely limited!

Day 2:

Things are going to start getting strange. You'll probably be woken up by some obnoxious shithead who's banging on a dumpster with a hammer or something. You've spent all but your last $5 on nitrous balloons, and you've got about a dime bag left in your pocket. It rained hard the night before, so everything is muddy and ruined. The portable toilets are now full-to-bursting with human excrement.

Now's the time to show your displeasure to the folks who planned this stupid festival. So squat and piss right in front of people. If you have to shit, use a stranger's tent. Find a group of college senior dickheads who look more refreshed than anybody because they showed up in an RV. Cut out the RV's electrical system and deflate it's tires.

At night you can have fun by starting a bonfire. Feed the flames by tossing random people's backpacks and sleeping bags in when nobody's looking. Or heat up a marshmallow until it's burnt and flaming and whip it into a dense group of dreadlocked white kids. If things settle down too much you can always rat some people out to the local cops, (who always seem to be prowling around at events like this).

Day 3:

Wake up late, break out your emergency jug of Bowman's vodka, and get drunk. I'm talking "beat your grandmother" drunk. Then spend the morning heckling no-name bands, dancing like a violent asshole, and getting sun poisoning. Pass out on the way to your tent and wake up an hour later lying face down in a muddy tire track, or on a discarded towel that somebody threw up in. Then find your car, take a handful of trucker speed, and drive home like an escaped mental patient.

23 comments:

Charlotte said...

Now that's my kind of weekend!!

Charlotte said...

Cumin and balls, beat your grandmother drunk, I need to find a moment in my life where I can use these lines.

Dusty Chenille said...

Oh hell - my emergency jug of vodka!! I almost forgot. That would have been a disaster - thanks for reminding me. And thank god the ABC stores are open late tonight.

I'll meet you later by the portapotties!

Aliceann said...

Sounds better than a weekend spent getting gang-banged by truckers at the Lazy K Motel.

Flinthart said...

God DAMN motherfff... that was YOU with the flaming marshmallow? Well shit oh jeez, I hope it was your tent I pissed in!

Does this taste spoiled to you? said...

That was me over by the dumpster, and it wasn't a hammer, it was an aluminum baseball bat. I was using it to communicate with outer space by morse code. So get your facts straight, Jocelyn.

Anonymous said...

Silly girl. *Real* hippies don't wear underwear. Or tampons.

keylimesoda said...

Jocelyn:

Leave Phil and marry me. I have an enormous, green... um... bank account.

I meen it--your hot.

Anonymous said...

This site should be banned. You seem like a TERRIBLE person

Anonymous said...

Hell yes!

Anonymous said...

I fucking love your site you sexy bitch.

Jordan said...

J - It's like you've been there with me at these festivals! Cumin and balls, Frito toenails: all awesome. You're a terrific writer and I love your blog. The comments on the waiter post are AWESOME! :)

Elizabeth James said...

Been to these shows, may have been subject to or part of one or so of said instances...you crack me up kick ass funny writing! When are we grabbing a cup of coffee? E

ki77en said...

Ok, I think I'm going to have to try the marshmallow bit. :D

irieserver said...

bunking people is awesome, isn't it? i mean it's so easy to make money selling fake drugs to squares. lmao.

Anonymous said...

you sound a bit bitter to me...

Anonymous said...

You my dear are very very horrifically ugly... You look like a 60 year old whose been on a month-long meth bienge. I know your trying your very best to be funny, but it's not working for you at all. Your engendered sense of spite seems to come from a deeply self-loathing place, and for that I pity you... Reconsider some life goals (like braces) then try to be nice, not a hateful bitch, because that will get you nowhere.......

Anonymous said...

.............. Your a complete bitch. Never go to a music festival again. Oh yeah and at least those hippie girls that you love ragging on have had dental care.... most of em at least.

arrrrrrg said...

I always liked to fling corn cobs covered in excrement into the crowds. Try to get some TP stuck to it so they know what hit them

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. But why is it that you look like you got wailed on by your old man. Are you missing a tooth for crissakes? They have amazing advances in modern dentistry you cockney cunt. Nice name, by the way. The only way you could make my testes harder is by putting a bag on your fucking head. Your comedy only works because we know you're speaking from experience. I think I saw you on an episode of COPS last night. I'm looking forward to another cameo appearance.

Anonymous said...

Do the festival world goers a favor find a local bus stop and walk out in front of the next bus and please waster no time.

Annacakes79 said...

"Cumin and balls" & the "flaming marshmallow" cracked me up! These fake hippy festival goers have always seemed so lame to me. What a waste. Have you ever noticed how much trash these militant environmentalists leave behind at these gigs?

Rocker Man said...

I never went to those when I WAS a hippie and I'm too old now. The mail man brings the pharmaceuticals and do bong hits and eat mushrooms in my rocker by a log fire in a warm cabin with the my old stereo and 8 track player. As for rolling in mud, shit, piss, and getting hit with flaming marshmallows or shitty cobs, that just doesn't sound sanitary or safe and "Safety First", I always say. Besides, the "emergency bottle of Vodka" is the first one of the last case. It means winter is over and I can get down the mountain to town and buy enough for the next year. Hope you didn't get a ton of Clap, or a Clapton. Douching might help, if nothing more than to disguise the smell.