It's that time again. That time of the Summer when I ditch my kids with whatever guy I'm seeing and head out to one of the area's many music festivals! But making the most of a festival isn't always as easy as dropping Ecstasy and letting a gang of high school burnouts have their way with you. Sometimes you need a more comprehensive plan!
If you're like me, you hate hippies, because they're the biggest hypocrite conformists out there. Unfortunately you've got to play the game if you want to move about undetected! So on the first night you should sneak into someone's unlocked car and steal a pair of ratty Birkenstocks, and maybe one of those shapeless hippie girl tops made out of an old pillow case.
It also helps if you stop washing until you reek like cumin and balls. Your toenails should resemble barbecue Frito's, and you should start speaking like a 9th grade dropout. Feel free to wear the same underwear and tampon all weekend. And hairy-ass Venus fly trap armpits are optional, but you've already let yourself go this far, so why not?
Now that you look like shit, you're ready to start making moves. There's a ton of great drugs to be bought, and they don't come cheap! So start stacking cash by selling fake hits of acid and dried non-hallucinogenic mushrooms. Stick with the squares. They don't have a clue, and they've actually got money. Then use your profits to buy everything you can get your hands on, because by tomorrow the drug supplies will become extremely limited!
Things are going to start getting strange. You'll probably be woken up by some obnoxious shithead who's banging on a dumpster with a hammer or something. You've spent all but your last $5 on nitrous balloons, and you've got about a dime bag left in your pocket. It rained hard the night before, so everything is muddy and ruined. The portable toilets are now full-to-bursting with human excrement.
Now's the time to show your displeasure to the folks who planned this stupid festival. So squat and piss right in front of people. If you have to shit, use a stranger's tent. Find a group of college senior dickheads who look more refreshed than anybody because they showed up in an RV. Cut out the RV's electrical system and deflate it's tires.
At night you can have fun by starting a bonfire. Feed the flames by tossing random people's backpacks and sleeping bags in when nobody's looking. Or heat up a marshmallow until it's burnt and flaming and whip it into a dense group of dreadlocked white kids. If things settle down too much you can always rat some people out to the local cops, (who always seem to be prowling around at events like this).
Wake up late, break out your emergency jug of Bowman's vodka, and get drunk. I'm talking "beat your grandmother" drunk. Then spend the morning heckling no-name bands, dancing like a violent asshole, and getting sun poisoning. Pass out on the way to your tent and wake up an hour later lying face down in a muddy tire track, or on a discarded towel that somebody threw up in. Then find your car, take a handful of trucker speed, and drive home like an escaped mental patient.