Thursday, July 16

Y'all need to go through me!

I work for one of the few Richmond companies that's actually hiring right now, yet our stupid HR guy decided to up and quit! Since I already have some experience in these matters, I've been tasked with not only finding his replacement, but also with hiring four more clerks to keep up with all the new accounts. It's a tall order, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun!

I posted the ad on the web, and 80 nice printed resumes were on my desk by the end of the next day. This is as many as I can handle. We actually received more than that, but everyone who sent one in digital format was given an auto-reply that their resume was infected with a computer virus and was deleted. The ad will be online for another week. Every resume I receive after the first batch goes straight into the trash.

Rather than comb through that first batch of resumes I just made our front desk girl contact them all to set up interviews. I decided right off the bat that everyone who got a ride from someone or took a bus to the interview was automatically out of consideration. The appointments were scheduled for after 9 in the morning, so everyone was forced to park and walk in from the very back of the lot (on some of the hottest days of the year).

Upon arrival, each candidate was led into a small, humid, unventilated supply room to fill out a useless questionnaire consisting of about 400 questions. They got 30 minutes to fill it out, even though it takes at least an hour. These questionnaires were then collected, brought into my office, and disposed of. I made them all wait another 20 minutes while I searched for embarrassing photos of them on the Internet.

Then the applicants got a three minute interview with me. I asked them an offbeat question, like, "Can you tell me about something you've done that you're ashamed of?". Then I spent the rest of the time talking about myself or about how great their job will be here at our company. Once that was over they were sent on their way, and I had the secretary call each of them back for a second interview.

When they show up for the second time they'll be told that I couldn't make it in and that we'll have to reschedule. They will never, ever be called back. Not even when they call in a couple days later to inquire. All the resumes will be shredded. I've decided to give the HR job to my bitchy best friend Bethany so I'll have someone to hang out with at work.

Bethany is the perfect choice because she's got a bunch of friends and family members down in Chesterfield County that she can place in those clerk positions. They really need the work. Most of them haven't been able to hold down a job for more than two weeks at a time! If they're as lazy as I think they'll be then our existing clerks are going to need to step it up, because there's a ton of work to do around here!

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG! This is hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the hiring SOP for all companies I'm familiar with.

justme said...

That is retarded the way you treated people looking for a job! Get a backbone and just tell them straight up instead of leading them on. I am looking for work also and if I found out you wasted my time for your own entertainment I would smack the s&*t out of you!I see you hired your friend to do the dirty work. NICE, now she's hiring her relatives and friends. People wonder why this country is failing, because of idiots like YOU!

The Lone Wolf said...

Justme: I'm shocked you are looking for a job right now. You seem like such a viable candidate for jobs such as: working on Jerry Springer, being a professional baby daddy or even a Carnie. Good luck in your job hunt!

Anonymous said...

I'm currently unemployed and looking for work, and this still made me laugh out loud. I'm convinced that this is exactly what keeps happening to my resume, and I have been tortured on a few first interviews, talked to about how AWESOME the job is, and then never called back and ignored if I called them.

I guess it amuses me because I'd probably do the same if I had an HR position. I'm that evil.

Dusty Chenille said...

Hey, I think we must work at the same place! I'm surprised I ever got the job, but I'm so glad I did. No one ever notices that I'm drunk most of the day! Thanks god for purse flasks.

Anonymous said...

can i like borrow you to hire here becuz they hire the new ppl depending how hott they are its some bs!

Anonymous said...

"Oh, sure! I'd never hire a woman
who was more attractive than me!"

Joss, honey, surely no woman exists that's more attractive than you! You're like all my ex-wifes rolled into one perfect package!

jason said...

God damn that's harsh, but funny though.

Anonymous said...

what company do you work with? they must have very low standerds to hire someone with your kind of skills. Absolutly disgusting.

Ecco said...

Wooha, this is amazing. I didn't realize people could be that stupid ! Seriously, I can't wait for the day you'll be searching for a job !

CĂ©ratitis said...

Searching the net for embarrassing pictures of the applicants? I wouldn't bother: it means combing through these 80CVs to find out their names. They are better left anonymous.

Anonymous said...

Awesome. Simply superb.

q1605 said...

Anonymous just made me realize what drags me back here. You are every single ex wife and bad date rolled into one. Too hot. I don't remember any of the good dates. Wanna know why that is? I'll bet you can guess.

q1605 said...

Hey "just me". Haven't looked for a job recently have you. They will say "you are perfect" you are just what we are looking for . Call back when my secretary can run interference and can tell you I am at an important emergency conference with HR heads from around the country all the while you can see them in their office practicing the charleston.

Anonymous said...

You are a horrible person. I can't believe anyone can be such a piece of shit. You steal, lie, cheat and whats worse; you teach your children this is the right thing to do. I hope all the hairs on your ass turn into fish hooks, you miserable bitch.

HariKari said...

This is horrifying. People like you are what's wrong with America. Dick Cheney is the more intelligent example of people who make it seem like an open call for applicants only to hire a buddy or relative instead. If someone late-term aborted you we'd never have seen the Iraq war, Blackwater, or "Great job, 'Brownie!'" I hate you.

jiesa said...

Brilliant. I didn't see that ending coming, and I should have. I really should have.

Anonymous said...

You are one of the problems posed by a capitalist system. You are not a creator, but a parasite who feeds off of others. Your reward shall be the destruction of all you know.

Anonymous said...

I hate you and everything you stand for. You're a shallow, pathetic excuse for a person. I hope that lost tooth is the result of someone giving you what you deserve. You treat people like shit and put yourself on a pedestal when in reality you're nothing but an insecure closed minded bigot who thinks they know it all. I hope for you're sake that this is a joke thread. I'm a person who doesn't get upset easily and believes that everyone has the right to do whatever it is they want as long as it doesn't interfere with others lives but I feel sorry for you're children if you raise them in such a manner where you can just walk all over people. They deserve better then that.

Anonymous said...

To follow on to some of the comments above...I hope you enroll your offspring in Mandarin class and study Chaiman Mao's Little Red Book ASAP. With filth like you in positions of authority this country doesn't stand a chance!