Thursday, August 20

Men can't do anything right!

Getting the kids ready each morning is a huge pain. That's why I like to leave for work before they get up. I enjoy a leisurely breakfast somewhere, or just surf the net at my desk until my shift. That leaves my new husband Phil to wake the kids, get them washed, dressed, and fed before he leaves for work. Of course, being a man, he does a pretty crummy job!

I don't cater to my kids, but it would be nice if Phil would, because he's supposed to be building a relationship with them. They have a hard enough time showing him respect, especially with the way he makes me berate him all the time. So I think the least he could do is pick them up some McDonald's breakfast when they ask for it, or to drive them to school so they don't have to ride the stupid bus.

Phil tries to be the man of the house, but it's hard. I just can't stand the way little Jailen cries when he gets stern with her. That's why I make him plead with her to be good instead. Of course if it was me I'd just let her tantrums run their course. Like at nice restaurant, I'm not gonna waste my time trying to coax a screaming child out from under the table.

Phil would rather waste money with babysitters. I think he's just being selfish, because he doesn't want to deal with my kids all the time. But if he really loves me then he should love my children's tantrums too! Men just can't understand the mentality of a mother who has spent some time being single. He needs to learn that he's expendable. Or, as I always like to say: "It's me and my kids against the world!".

It's not just with the kids though. Phil screws everything else up too! The other day he broke out the grill and cooked up some hot dogs. I know he did this because I'm always saying how much I love grilled meats. But we had run out of buns, and that dumb fucker tried to get me to eat my hot dog on a folded piece of white bread! I just threw it on the floor, and went to Outback Steakhouse...alone!

And sometimes Phil tries to do his own thing without asking me first. Like he'll go get a beer with his coworkers, and I don't know about it until I get home and hear his message on the machine. Then he tries to escape to the bathroom when he gets back, so I have to yell at him through the door. He tries to act surprised at my anger, but he knows what he did! He doesn't need to be going out with his stupid friends! He knows he needs to get home and rub these feet!

The other night I really ripped his ass about how much he annoys me. I told him that I'm sick of how he empties the dishwasher so loudly. And how he's always watching TV shows that I don't like. Then I told him that our sex is too gentle, and that he needs to be more of a man. I mean Christ, we're married! I shouldn't have to tell him what I like!

Phil tried to make it all up to me by apologizing. He even brought me a lovely single red rose. That was the last straw, because he knows that I only like roses that are dipped in gold like the ones they sell in the SkyMall catalog. Other times he's tried to make me happy by buying me jewelry, or clothes that make me look my age. But why? I've made it abundantly clear that I prefer to get clothes from Forever 21.
_

48 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wish more women could be as assertive as you are.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it's not like the kids can go to the school, get the keys to the bus and drive themselves to school! The more I hear about Phil the less I like him. If I were with him, I honestly don't know how much more I could take of his self centered bullshit!

Aliceann said...

I know exactly what you mean, girl. My man will never take care of our son the way I do (which is the best way, of course). I'm constantly harping on his ass about something! I'm about to send him out to run errands so I can sit here and read your blog instead. I hope he doesn't mess this task up!

Anonymous said...

I think you should consider yourself lucky that Phil puts up with you. I wouldn't, you'd be out on your ass before even finishing this lousey article.

Wow, poor guy needs a little self-esteem. To the curb you go!

Anonymous said...

I think you are ABSOLUTELY hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

Josh, you're the reason the rest of the world loves America!

It's a big job, but keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Just when i thought you couldn't out-cunt yourself you give us this gem. The fact that you're actually able to get a man with that gap-toothed, junk-slut grin amazes me. If you ever read this guy, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!

Anonymous said...

i don't know. i really think you shouldn't be married to phil, if anyone if your attitude is "me and my kids versus the world".

i wonder what happened to your first husband. suicide/divorce/murder?

Melissa said...

I am a marriage counselor and I have to say, emptying the dishwasher too loud is one of the most common causes of divorce. Try having him come home on his lunch break to wash the dishes by hand instead.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck is your problem? First you ditch him with your kids because you want to have a leisurely breakfast then complain he does a 'crummy' job? Better than the job you're doing by abandoning your family.You want your kids to be driven to school instead of take the bus? Tough, then they'll be seen as the pampered spoiled kids who won't make friends. You make him plead with your kids to be good then say he can't handle their tantrums? Your fault right there. Though I can't see how your children's tantrums could be any worse than yours if you throw food on the floor because it's not in a sodding hot dog bun.

You describe your relationship as 'open'. Well I'm not at all surprised bitch. He must be sleeping around 'cos there's no way he'd tap you.

Dartboy23 said...

I only have a few things to say to this disgrace of a human being. Being married for 3 years myself, I am in complete shock that you feel like you have any type of a relationship with this man. You are a cold, conceited women who doesnt even deserve the chance to support your kids. How can yousay that Phil is such a horrible person, when at the firt chance you up and vanish to McDonalds to feed your fat ass a Egg McMuffin. This guy was brought into a situation where some gutter tramp couldnt keep her legs closed, now is expected to raise and cater to your mistakes. Many people out there would look at you in disgrace, hell there probably is a group of people who like to either stone you, or tar and feater your fat ass. I am not perfect by no means, however, I know i am a amazing husband to my wife, and visa versa, and if either of us approached eachother the way you approach Phil, that would be the one and only last straw.

Let me finish by saying that i hope Phil sees his mistakes(YOU) and leaves as soon as he can. You are truely a skidmark on todays society and people like you should be entered into free slavery.

Anonymous said...

You've been married how many times? I'm noticing a pattern. Perhaps it's because you berate your husband and chastice him in front of the world. Don't you have any respect for him? Why would you bad-mouth him like that? I bet you did the same thing to your exes. You desrve to be alone. Your children deserve better. Your setting a great example for how they should treat their spouses. Good job! You're the mother of the year!

Anonymous said...

Honey, please. Not here, OK? I'll make it up to you tonight at home. I'll bring you two dozen roses. We can dip them the way you want...

Love,

Phil

Anonymous said...

Your one screwed up lady. The only thing you deserve is the " WORST MOTHER/WOMAN EVER" award.

I hope Phil is bangin some hot 19 year old on the side, cuz you got hit by the ugly truck and ran over 7 more times.

YOUR DISGUSTING

Anonymous said...

CUNT

Anonymous said...

I think everybody is taking this way to seriously. They've only been married for a short time and they need awhile to sort out who's in charge and who's not.

Once Phil completely understands what his job is in their relationship, he'll stop doing all those annoying things.

Everybody needs to calm down, and give them a little time to sort things out.

Anonymous said...

I think I just found my next wife!!!

Anonymous said...

It only took one paragraph for me to know your crazy. You are clearly all take take take with no give. Lady wake up and stop living in that imagination land where your #1. I hope he dumps you to the curb. I can smell your crazy from here.

Anonymous said...

Just curious. Did you have to wait at Outback? There's usually a line. That's why I always go to Waffle House when I want a great steak. For some reason there's never a line.

Anonymous said...

now I'm not going to be offensive and call you a redneck bitch like some other people, but it seems that you are very high maintenance.... It seems that Phil is trying his hardest and even if thats not good enough sometimes, you shouldn't publically display that on a blog that everyone can see and will ALWAYS be on the internet. I'm not sure if you really act this way, but you come off as a very mean, unappreciative person who needs exactly what you want or nothing.

I think that you may consider reading your writing over again and really try to see the harsh things that you are saying. I'm sure your husband doesnt appreciate you saying these things...... at least on myhusbandisannoying.com, she makes fun of her husband in a playful, joking way.. not a way that would make her husband feel like he has no reason for living. I enjoyed reading her blog but you just make it hard for me to read any further than the first paragraph.

Maybe think over writing any more posts.

Anonymous said...

You can't do anything right. Why don't you quit complaining about him and quit acting like you are a perfect goddess?

Anonymous said...

After reading your blog it is obvious that Phil needs to be more in-tune with your needs. Since you are recently married I would suggest that you use some mild violence to snap Phil up to par. I am not saying all the time, but he needs to be given a reality check to start getting it right! Although he sounds kind of mischievous (borderline cheater) for having a beer with his friends without your prior approval. Maybe Phil will begin to get it right, maybe not. If he has to go then he has to go. There are always more men out there willing to do more for you and your children and he should understand that.

Anonymous said...

You need to clock him with something heavy. That would teach him to mind you.

Anonymous said...

I'm in love!

Anonymous said...

i can't believe how much of a dumb bitch you sound like. marriage shouldn't force a husband or wife to spend 24/7 with their kids and spouse. everybody has babysitters. everybody has other friends. get over yourself. the world doesn't revolve around you.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gnetle Jesus, you're hot. How open is open?

Do you think Phil would mine the kids while we slip awa to get to know one another some?

I love a take charge woman, I bet you would be a great cop! Are you like a Vp? or exec assistant?

I bet you watch COPS and A.M.W. right? Am I right?

Dang thats sooo hot.

I could make a new woman out of you sweetie, call me..?

Anonymous said...

I understand why your first husband knocked out your tooth. Maybe Phil should grow some balls and knock out another one for you.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is WOW and SUPER CUNT

Anonymous said...

Mmmm...Outback!

Anonymous said...

She is right. Before I met my girl, I was always spending money on myself and hanging out with my friends. Then I met my girl and that all changed. Now, all my money goes towards her, and I fould out all my friends are assholes. Every single one of them tried to get with her. That's what she says anyway. Us men need to be whipped into shaped to please women

PeteP said...

I don't know how you put up with Phil. You have the patience of a saint.

Seriously, these other posters must lack the humor gene or something.

Anonymous said...

Let me guess how you got that tooth of yours knocked out? I'd bet your first husband beat your ass. I say that because you sound like a person that talks big on the internet but is a cowering insecure hick in real life. And you won't publish this post because I've hit the nail on the head.

Meade Skelton Haufe said...

Wow, Jocelyn you really opened up a can of worms with this. But it was an enjoying read, as always.

trog69 said...

Alls I know is, I'm waitin' in the wings, baby! Just lemme know when you get tired of ol' Phil, and I'll be right there to take care of you! Yeahyeahyeah, the kids too I guess.

"Sheesh, do they gotta stare at us while we eat? Mebbe you could close the drapes; make it more...intimate?"

trog69 said...

ARE YOU MISSING A FUCKING TOOTH???

The attempted insults are almost as humorous as the post.

Just curious. Did you have to wait at Outback? There's usually a line. That's why I always go to Waffle House when I want a great steak. For some reason there's never a line.

Sen. Coburn?

trog69 said...

You tell her, Doug!

Anonymous said...

Joss
You are hilarious
Most people here have ZERO sense of humour, however, some of the comments are very funny in their own right.
Keep up the good work.

Jeremy said...

I think some people need to grow a sense of humor. I found it very interesting and amusing.

Visiting SM said...

No one needs to worry about Phil. I've been taking very good care of his needs during his afternoons off. For those few hours he doesn't even think about it. ;)

Anonymous said...

You know I've never heard of a man in an abusive relationship until I read about you

Anonymous said...

u hav teh ugli face

Anonymous said...

stfu n stay in the kitchen

trog69 said...

Are you guys talking about me? What the heck did I do? I don't understand why we can't all just hug and kiss and be really close friends, 'steada bein' mean like that!?

I'm not gay, but I will do ANYTHING if it means we will not call each other names, ok?

Anonymous said...

This is so perfect a picture of contentiousness.. under the mad 'excuse' of "I'm only kidding".

"better to dwell in the corner of a rooftop than in a wide house with a contentious woman"

Obviously she is laughing at herself a little... but what does he get out of this relationship? Maybe she should try to find the humor in that?

Women act like this and then wonder why they are alone!

I can't stand my married friends' wives. They nag and complain and correct. Noone can get a word into 'their world'. These guys are actually happy like that. More power to them! I could not stand it. I don't see any payoff.

Anonymous said...

This is by far one of the funniest posts I have read this morning. I can’t help but imagine that this part of a test study for research that you are conducting, or a character build up for a book. Either way, it’s straight up entertaining!

Anonymous said...

You named a defenseless child "Jailen?" ???

Anonymous said...

Bless your ex-husband. I know now why you were divorced. Do everyone a favor and go kill yourself.

Anonymous said...

I feel bad for your poor husband. It is women like you that dive us crazy. You want to know why we all of us men love to fall into the arms of a fantastic hooker....... You! And don’t cry and scream to the lawyer that you deserve all the money and the house wene we leave. What ever!