Monday, July 7

Three eligible bachelors!

Attention, single ladies! It's time for my cousins to get married, so I'm putting them on the market! This is a golden opportunity for those of you who say that "all the best men are married"! Y'all gotta admit that Buck, Charles Ray, and Richie are three good lookin' fellas!

They're not just a bunch of pretty faces, either! They're very generous and thoughtful! They're quick to buy round of drinks, and they're always volunteering to drive drunk fellas home from the bar! They're known county-wide for giving aid to hitchhiking run-aways and other wayfaring strangers. And they're considerate enough to orientate all the new prisoners at the regional jail where they work as guards.

During the courtship period you can spend time at the beautiful farmhouse they inherited. These three are very handy, so there have been some notable improvements made to the property. You and the suitor of your choice will enjoy romancing one another in the splendor of the new above-ground pool, soundproof shed, and modified basement. The living room was also recently redecorated with help from The Room Store.

I think I've said enough to get any red-blooded woman's juices flowing! So run, (don't walk!) to the comments section and tell me why you think you'd be right for one of these handsome gents. I'll be screening all applicants, because I'm not trying to introduce them to any weirdos!


Anonymous said...

So post-op trannies are okay??

Anonymous said...

looks like they still have the hots for YOU though

Anonymouse said...

this is so weird
didn't the cutest one's twin brother recently get out of prison after doing 18 months for shaving his girlfriend's head with a dull machete when he caught her cheating on him ?
(did they ever find what was left of her body ?)

it's kinda hard to tell with their clothes on, but I think they may be my cousins also !
and you don't have to sell me, girlfriend, cuz I know for a fact that they are all hung like muskrats !

also, how soundproof ?
there are different levels and most people are lazy and go the cheapest route.
if it's built by those people who offer a double-your-money-back guarantee, then please consider me for any left-overs.
(if I remember right, the competition has always been fierce with these three, so I don't expect to get first choice)

some of my qualifications:
* I have a pretty comprehensive collection of my neighbour's cat paws (I've had offers).

* ..almost graduated (6th grade), but got preggers..
(how's this for "ironic twist" ?
it might have been buckie's !
(or maybe richie's.. my school-days were such a blur)
if so, I'm not exactly sure where he's at, but I can make some calls and track him down in only a couple months).

* and also have limited access to a copy of every handcuff key since the 1st depression (hey, I know some people, if you get my drift)

* and I don't usually brag, but I still have most of my teeth (not quite as many as you, tho)

so, I know you don't owe me..
but would REALLY be grateful for a little nepotism here

waiting with baited breath

I don't have your "elbow-in-the-crotch" skills,
so in the event that I just can't land one of these puppies..
how about you and me "cha-cha-cha-ing" ?
(is your "open relationship" really open, or is it limited to those with "dangle-y bits" ?)

Anonymous said...


No said...

I live in Richmond, VA. myself, in the fan/museum district to be precise. I am for legalization personally, though I understand why many arn't.

Sometimes if a person is against it I might question why. Sometimes their reasons are perfectly valid, specially if they don't smoke or it's of little concern to them anyways.

Other times their reasons are clearly fueled on group thinking and ignorance, with little basis on fact. These people rarely are open minded enough to think they might be wrong, and their ego has been strengthened by the group mind to a degree that it is impermeable by 'outsiders'.

I have never come across an argument such as yours though. It is truly unique I must admit and I am surprised that you can be so selfish. You clearly contain the ego of the later group, but it seems to be fueled largely by your own selfishness and ignorance rather than others. Your mind is made up, you clearly have little compassion for humanity as a whole and instead focus on yourself and your family.

Family is important. Very important. So is your own happiness. I cherish these things greatly and they should always come first, you can't help others if you can't help yourself after all. I understand where you're coming from, however you should never take this to a degree that degredates society as a whole, we all are in this together. We share each others pain as well as each others happiness.

I recognize too that it is pointless to argue as I will have no luck dissuading your opinion with words. Often times compassion only comes through personal experience. This is why I took the opportunity you have given me to show you the pain many of these people have experienced due to marijuana prohibition.

You have provided me, the whole internet, with the first names, even pictures, of your three cousins, as well as admitting that they are trafficking marijuana into the very prison in which they are paid to maintain order. I'm assuming this to be the Goochland county prison as this is the only one in the county according to the sheriffs office, and there are no local jails. I've linked them to your blog post as well as saving a copy to my hard drive in case you delete it, though I assume they've already done the same. They are currently looking into the matter and said I'm welcome to call back to check on the progress next week. I will post an update when I do, if not for you, as I assume you might know more by then anyways, then for the sake of anyone reading.

Since 'drug offenders make good bitches for violent criminals,' perhaps your three cousins can help ease the tension.

concerned citizen said...

joc, i wish you weren't so near sighted. I could tell you what I think of you exactly but i've learned that if you dont have anything nice to say, then dont say it! To put it lightly, you need to rethink what you said, and what you are all about. You're probably thinking, "you dont know what i'm about person i've never met". and to this i say, good, lets keep it that way bitch.

lee said...

Excuse me, Anonymouse, what the hell do you mean "the cutest one's twin brother"? They are all equally sexy and I am insulted that you dare judge them. And I'm sorry to inform you, but you can't have them. I've already called dibs on all three, and I will fight you over them!

Now Jocelyn, what do you think would be appropriate for the first date outfit--a see through white tube top and daisy dukes to show off my love handles and cottage cheese thighs, or a more modest, skin tight leather dress with fishnets? Let me know asap!


jason said...

that one on the left is very cute. i would definitely fuck him.

Wishidthoughtathat said...

I want the one in the middle but would consider a menage a twat. I chain smoke and would need coitus interruptus smokus...but none of these three look like they'd particularly give a damn. Just don't foist off the one who requires the pensicope at leak time. Ta Ta.