Saturday, July 12

A REAL Man (is hard to find)!

I'm sick of it, y'all! I'm sick of the saps, the smart pricks, and the pretty boys! Why is it so damn hard to find a real man? I guess I can't ask that question without first telling you what I mean.

The thing that bothers me these days is how all these fancy men out there always want the best. The best foods, the best clothes, and the best cars. I hate that shit!

I want man who drives an '87 for pickup. It has a rusted out bed which is half filled with beer cans. The ash tray is full of butts, and there's a three-legged dog tied up in the passenger seat.

The man I'm talking about buys only the cheapest coffee on the shelf. Drinks the cheapest beer in the cooler. He craves the lowest quality meats available for his dinner, (like a Hardee's Thickburger, or a big dirty Hungryman frozen dinner).

My dream man wears nothing but "No Fear" T-shirts, tighty whities that are no longer white or tight, and generic Walmart sweatpants, the ass of which are in a perpetual state of moistness.

I sure as shit don't want no indoor man! I want a man who works outside! Dead skin should be peeling from his pink shoulders at least 7 months out of the year. He should spend the whole day on a roof, talking to Mexican laborers about big titty blonds. And when he comes home from being barked at all day by his foreman, I want him angry and stinking like a grizzly bear's dingy musk sack!

When it comes to looks, you can forget those fine, ladylike features that you see on the male actors and models of today. I want a butt ugly pig man! For starters, he should have a huge overbite, along with a good-sized underbite. I want his head bald, his neck covered in razor burns, and every other inch of him to be swarthy with thick, matted hair! I want greasy, leathery shoulder blades that stick out to next week! And uneven, gnarly, razor-sharp fingernails that are packed with pork rind crumbs, and reek of WD-40. I promise myself now that I will settle for nothing less than a big old pair of rotten feet that stink worse than day-old boiled chitterlings.

I think y'all are getting the picture! So all you pink polo wearing sissies, with your straight-razor haircuts and your boxer-briefs can save your fresh, minty breath! When my next man comes along, he'll be draggin' his nuckles and luggin' his hunched back right into my heart!

20 comments:

a real man said...

Hm. And I want a Playboy centerfold with implants, decent culinary skills, and no ambition to be anything but my fit little woman; and the mother of my children, if I decide later that I want them. Wanna meet halfway?

Anonymous said...

Try dentistry.

Ron said...

Madam, what you're looking for is NOT a real man, but a man - ape hybrid.

You can do better.

Believe in yourself.

Best of success.

Anonymous said...

I love you, come to Alabama, you are the girl of my dreams!!!!

Anonymous said...

oh come on, the tighty whities are a bit much. Boxer briefs are comfy as hell.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like maybe you want someone who beats you too.

Anonymous said...

This makes it sound like a "real" man is a hic

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, you want a loser. They're right over there.

Zeca said...

Resuming... a hard worker, responsible, non intelectual, non fancy pants man... basically a man that does what is mean to be done disregarding the way he looks when doing it...

Good luck XD

Anonymous said...

lololololol

I pity you. Oh no someone who wants things that are nice and work how terrible. I'd rather have a drunk who beats me daily and probably can't even find work.

Dee Ann Scott said...

We have an overabundance of the men of your dreams down here. Please come and take them all away with you. A cattle car behind a smoky old 18 wheelers would be useful to transport them but it will take many, many trips because there are more of them than you can count.

Seriously..

morgan said...

You should have absolutely NO problem finding this man. Try traffic court, Sit outside your local jail on a Monday morning around 9 am (that's when they let all the drunkies out from the weekend), a nascar themed bar or restaurant, mayhap your local walmart or dennies? Either way i wish you the sincerest of luck! (I however, think you can do a bit better.)

Anonymous said...

My name is Michael. I am a graduate student at North Florida studying psychology.

My program stresses research and field work. I've met alot of people inside and outside my studies.

I've done some research on rural men/women and romantic relationships and according to the statistical data I've gathered, observations/surveys, and personal experience, I'm going to take a 'wild hunch' and say that the type of guys you like aren't always 'the best,' to say the absolute least.

I won't get into my other findings of race relations, gender relations, personal motivation, their schemas or beliefs, etc.. on that demographic of people, I'll just say, best of luck to you. To each there own.

Anonymous said...

I know what she means. She wants an honest dude... not some game player.

Anonymous said...

"For starters, he should have a huge overbite, along with a good-sized underbite"

Do you even understand this sentence you wrote? It's like writing "I want a really tall guy who is also pretty short".

Daniel said...

Funny how some of you people are acting insulted. "How dare this woman think differently than me!"
Sort of pathetic guys

Anonymous said...

at least he wont be able to cheat on you

Anonymous said...

funny--
way more witty than it appears at first glance.

There's something to this:

Ignore the socioeconomic/regional cues, and you have a good skewering of urban, single males
--who are just as trapped by their own perceived fate as cubicle slaves and walking ATMs--yeah,that's the independent, adventurous American spirit for ya...
and ya went to Harvard just for the chance to work 18-hour days selling useless widgets,wingdings, derivatives, bundled mortgages... a voluntary submission of all independent thought and goals in life in order to... what?
Yeah, maybe a little cojones (in a good way) wouldn't hurt the post- John Wayne model of successful American manhood...

Anonymous said...

At first, this article seems like it's actually mocking this "dream man" but I love the descriptions. It's quite vivid. If that's the sort of man you want, that's the man you want. It's your real man. (sure ain't mine) but the best of luck to you.

jay_jay26 said...

Have you ever been in North Carolina? Your type is all over that state.