Conservatives, for the most part, are taking this presidency change well. They've shown restraint, patience, and even a touch of class. Now that America is united once more, it's time for us to piss all over these stupid bastards! So I've thought up a few clever ideas for establishing our liberal dominance once again!
A good way to start is with their families. Use your access as a teacher or babysitter to teach their kids to talk like rappers and intellectuals. Convince their daughter to try lesbianism, communism, or single motherhood. Laugh at their son because he sucks at basketball. If possible, document and report on the youthful indiscretions of their entire family.
The conservatives I know work hard for what they've got. So they'll hate it when you vandalize things in the planned suburban development where they live. Or when you drink up all their delicious cranberry juice. Or throw runny chili all over their nice clean khaki pants. You can add insult to injury by scratching the hell out of their Bonneville with an SOS pad.
Sooner or later, these fools will begin to bitch about things that happen during the Obama presidency. When they do, remind them how this country was founded by liberals and drunks. Accuse them of being anti-American traitors. Tell them to leave if they don't like it, or better yet, to go start their own country.
At that point we should turn the screws. Take away their guns, booze, and softcore pornography. Appoint Marion Barry to the position of Drug Czar. Put gays in charge of the military. Bitch-slap Pat Robertson until his head implodes. Produce a prime time documentary which proves that stem cells could have been used to cure the ills of their heroes, Heston and Reagan.
The most important way to get at them is to punish them for the crimes of their political affiliation. So take the time to explain to them how their beliefs are ignorant and false. Install a dope garden in their basement and report them to the Feds. Dose them with LSD & force them to look right in the face of the cold, shallow life that they've led. Then break their voting hand with a meat tenderizing mallet.
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30 comments:
Joceyln,
I was looking for the disclaimer, or the "just kidding" at the end, and was disappointed to find neither.
A blog entry like this is a mirror image of what conservative bloggers have been doing - and will continue to do - since Barack Obama was elected President.
Our role as left-leaning, liberal or progressive Americans is to invite them into the dialogue, follow the example set forth by the first elected U.S. president of this millennium and be dignified; President Obama escorting Governor george w. bush to the helicopter was more than a touch of class - it was a call to all of us to respect our differences, for it is our right to disagree. Political affiliations are not "crimes." Not in this country, anyway.
Respect the individual. You don't have to respect what she or he believes, but respect their rights as you do your own, lest they be taken away from all.
Conservatives are not taking this transition of power well. It not only shakes the foundation of their beliefs, it proves that We The People by and large do not believe in them. This is coupled with the unmitigated failure of the bush administration, which will not be made worse by any of your suggestions.
And while you and I might fall along the same side of the left/right divide, I think we can also celebrate how much we disagree about the tenets of American liberalism.
Jocelyn, I have enjoyed your posts in the past. This one scares me.
Grow up. Seriously.
Psh... tame, Joss. Give me MORE!
haha that was gold.
I'm a stone cold conservative and I still think that was gold.
BRAVO!
:)
Tom: a disclaimer at the end would forfeit the point.
Heh. I think the funniest line was the first, about Conservatives taking this election result well... but the whole thing had me giggling. Nice one! With tongue so firmly in cheek and face so stony-straight, we ought to declare you an Honorary Australian just for your sense of humour.
And I notice you managed to skewer eejits on both sides of the political debate there. To be fair, your fellow liberal-types were considerably more literate and thoughtful... but they still missed the joke, eh?
Not to worry. There's a home for you down under if they start burning stuff on your front yard!
Im a Conservative, under 30, who lives in the city, who CANNOT STAND Obama or whatever his weirdo name is. I think we are headed for hell.
man your batshit crazy.....i am very unfortunate to view this as your first post, and hope that you were hyped up on Monster of something, and suggest you calm down a little more before you etch down your ranting in stone :/
Hey Sister!
Another great post, love your ideas. In fact, have you ever thought of running for office? You could really shake some sense into those no-account fools.
As an aside, did you see your blog was recently named one of the 10 Best websites on the Internet at CollegeOTR? I'd never heard of you until I read about you there, and I'm so glad I did! I hope one day I'll be able to meet you (maybe at a Ramada Inn?) You can see the post here:
http://www.collegeotr.com/college_otr/the_7_best_procrastination_websites_on_the_internet_18405
Personally i think you're being a bit kind. But then many conservatives like a good flogging (reminds them of their intiations into the sorority houses)
Flinthart is right, ya get Honorary SKIP, thats Aussie status, talk about taking the piss out people, and half the other Gumboots here don't know it.
Wench,
I wrote a wondrous comment and you disapproved it since I do not see it here.
By perchance, you are not getting uppity are you?
We have methods to control females, one being the Females as Property Movement.
Even recalcitrant females can be bent, molded, formed into obedient wenches whose only desire is to serve her man.
Of course, there may not be any man desiring to own thee so you may be one of the uncontrollable ones running free akin to a cur without a pack.
I'm conservative. It made me laugh. Sometimes you've gotta take time off from being pissed, you know!
We have been annoyed enough, thank you!
I love this!!! hahaha ... perfect.
Wow. This is the exact reason why us conservatives hate you guys. Eerily, the USA could be this crazy in 2012, coincidence much? Secondly, how are we anti-american. Bush had the balls to stand up against Bin Laden and Saddam, unlike Billy. Also, the ever famous Obama mentioned "The american flag is not even a pin I would wear on my jacket." and Michelle Obama was finally proud to be an American. Obama's new immigration reform allows just about anyone to become an American, yea very patriotic. ou guys have strayed to far away from the American Dream. You do not understand that you have to work hard and the government is not there to baby you. Secondly, do you realy trust someone that wants to decriminilize marijuana (2004)?You are saying that our roots are planted in falseness, I belive you guys want to make the rich work even harder than they do now so they can support the lazy bums! Outrageous! They are they because they worked. Oh and I believe you guys bitched during the Bush presidency, sound familiar. "Uhh, Bush is an idiot." Yeah good one, how many retarted air force pilots that graduated from Yale do you know? yeha my point proven. Cold shallow life, yes i'm sorry I do not kill babies and am against the sanctity of marriage and agaisnt the tradition family infrastructure. My bad.
A.P. Gov student proving your blog incorrect. Huck'12
Hey, most recent anonymous poster -- that was exactly the response that the original entry was written to provoke. Very nice and downright Pavlovian of you. Yup, the author REALLY thinks we should break conservatives' hands with hammers, and because of that, all non-conservatives must think the same way. Logic at its finest, and a fine shining example of AP student reasoning. Heh.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. No wonder your husband left you.
Woo! I was starting to worry the "liberal agenda" was something conservatives made up because they ran out of things to scare people with. Good to know we have something to work for.
LOL, a trailer crackwhore pissing and moaning from her meth kitchen. I bet you are just bitter because you can't keep men from discarding you like a used condom (even though you're easier than pissing in the shower). Maybe you need to step it up a notch on the humiliating sexual things you try to do so "Hottub" Bubba won't leave you
"Bubba! Please, don't leave me!! I know you like amputee porn, I'll chop my legs off"
"I'll let you pee on the wounds"
That is quite possibly the coolest thing I've read in quite some time. Some of these posters are so anal retentive that only dogs can hear 'em fart.
After 8 years of fear-mongering, venom-spewing twaddle from the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Fox "News"...
Hell yes, let's poke 'em with a stick!
A.P. Gov student proving your blog incorrect. Huck'12
you spelled retarded wrong dummy. and if you dont trust someone for trying to decriminalize weed, there is something seriously wrong with you and your beliefs. why dont you read up on the reason marijuana is illegal in the first place, open your mind, and learn how to spell before defending george bush's retarded ass!
Oh and jocelyn, i did not like your post because you are stooping to their level. we need to remain true and not lower ourselves to such levels. conservatives are idiots but scratching their cars makes you one as well.
Ah, yes, the Marijuana Tax Stamp Act of 1937. The Arizona Dept. of Revenue was still issuing them in the '80's when I worked there. The state's naive way of dealing with illegal immigration back then. Our state government hasn't gotten any smarter...
I think you all should grow up. Obama won get over it.
Dear A.P. Gov student,
As a former A.P. student myself (alchemy) and community college DEGREE RECIPIENT I believe I have the authority to address you. I came to this country 5 years ago from Mexico hidden in the back of a cargo truck. I worked hard and was ranked in the top 75% in my high school, and I received a FULL SCHOLARSHIP to the local community college!!! Alas, the $1000 a month stipend I was given was not enough to support my extravagant lifestyle, so I resorted to selling marijuana. I tried working at McDonald's but they make you be there at certain times and generally frown upon drug use. Now I have a D-E-G-R-E-E and am making $30k+ at a local chemical plant!! They said they had to lay off some 60 year old caucasian guy to give me a job, but they said he was THREATENING to retire!! Can you believe that? I hate freeloaders. I have other good news, too. I finally applied for my green card and plan to vote once I become a citizen...can't wait to outlaw guns and heterosexual marriage. I've heard on the news how many husbands have killed their wives with guns, so sad. Never give up your dreams to go to your local community college, kid. Life is sweet!!!!!!
LOL Brilliant! And what I love even more are the lame conservative comments on here. Talking about touching a nerve!
Keep up the good work. I love laughing at these idiots!
Love it!!!!!
Zumi
Are you missing a tooth?
lol, she is missing a tooth!
I expect nothing less from you dumbass, trailer-trash, liberal welfare queens... and if that first sentence didn't already confuse your single cell brain, remember: us conservatives are the ones that pay the taxes which give you the welfare to live off of... so why dont you just shut the hell up and go watch a nascar race.
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