Fun family dining at Hooters!

Phil took me and the kids to Hooters last night for a special dinner! We love the food there, and the kids always have so much fun. My girls talk about how they want to be Hooters waitresses when they grow up, and my son talks about how he likes tits. It's also fun for me because of the cute way Phil blushes when the Hooters waitresses flirt with him to get a bigger tip. And he always shows me a good time in bed after a Hooters visit!

The waitresses there always seem to be having a real blast! Sometimes they break out the hula hoops, or sing happy birthday for their unkempt male customers. The only other place I've seen people take such pride and joy in there work was that weird taqueria we found in Tijuana where the bar girls would give birth to a gallon of green gelatin on an overhead plexiglass stage for tips and applause.

The one problem with Hooters is that they don't hire any man candy! They staff the "open" kitchen area with men, but they must be trying to curb the amount of romance among their employees, because these guys are the ugliest dudes you'll ever see. The male managers also seem to be hand selected for their undeniable repulsiveness.

Anyhoo, the kids shared a big plate of cheese fries for dinner. I didn't want them to fill up too much because I had an extra long Slim Jim out in the van set aside for dessert. Phil had the snow crab legs, which taste like a mouthful of dirty ocean water. I ordered the wings, but they didn't seem to be hot enough. I sent them back three times, until they were totally cold and there was practically more sauce than wings. They tasted right by then, so I went ahead and made a saucy pig of myself!

The beers at Hooters are the best part. They use frosty glasses, and always have cold Miller Lite on draft! And those professional waitresses they got there are more than happy to keep 'em comin'! A couple 25 oz. "Big Daddy" mugs are all I need to wash down a plate of their spicy wings! I'll admit that once it's all in my stomach I feel pretty bloated, but by then I'm too tipsy to care!

All fine meals must come to an end, so out to the parking lot we went. I guess the beer got to my head worse than I thought, because I turned too tight out of the parking space and caught the front bumper and quarterpanel of a brand new GMC Yukon! They still had the dealer tags and everything! Well you know I can't have no more DUI tickets on my record, so we just got the hell out of there! I guess I won't be driving the van to that Hooters location for a while!

I think she speaks for all of us!

Now here's a true patriot. Another graceful woman for Hillary! I almost cried when I watched this!



I hate to say it, but Hillary really let us women down by losing to Obama! Luckily there are still strong women out here with the class to stand up and shout about it!



I'm just glad that the press is starting to take notice! (new window)

A worthy adversary!

Not that I give a crap, but that ho at work is steppin' on my nuts again, so to speak. It's a shame, too, 'cause Friday started out as anyone would have hoped. It's a "casual day" at our office, so I wore my new gold J-Lo style jogging suit, which looks damn good on my big sweet behind! I amplify the effect by wearing a cute little black mini-backpack!

So I'm driving to work, eating my microwave pancake-wrapped sausage-on-a-stick, and baby, I'm cruisin'! I'm making damn good time. I realize that I'm in the wrong lane, so I cut over in front of some sucker just as the light is changing up ahead. I slam on my breaks out of habit, then speed up to make the yellow light. The car behind me got a red but kept on following. Our parking lot entrance is directly after that light, and sure enough, they follow me in, so I know it's one of my co-workers!

At first I was afraid that I had pissed off the wrong person. The I realized that it was Sarah, our be-otch of a secretary! I thought, "Good!", 'cause I'm all about stickin' it to that little trick! You might remember her from our spat about the fish sticks. Well, I wish I could say that the animosity ended with that confrontation, but it surely did not!

I think it all started when she was first placed by the temp agency. I would dump all my filing and other shit on her because she was too new to know better. Also, I would ignore my cell phone, and the men I was seeing would ask to be transferred from the main line, which she had to answer. She bitched to the boss about having to transfer my calls all the time, and that's what set it off!

There were a number of ways that I got back at her. Once I smeared anti-bacterial gel all around her desk near the mouse where she rests her arm. Another time I brewed coffee from used grounds because I knew that she was the only one who drank coffee in the afternoon. And one time I ate her Asian sesame chicken wrap out of the fridge 'cause I was stoned and needed a snack.

She figured out that I was the source of all that crap, and her retaliation was ruthless. One day, when I was out of the office, she falsely reported a problem with my computer to the new IT guy who happens to be dealing with a bout of ringworm. He had to call the IT help desk while testing the computer, and ended up tainting my phone's headset with his ringworm, which later infected my face. That's when I realized that this particular nemesis was craftier than I was giving her credit for!

From there the tension really started to escalate. I left a chunk of catfish take-out leftovers in her car on a hot day. Then she complained to the boss about how I yell on the phone at Kevin so loud that she can't hear to answer the main phone line when customers call. So then I started clipping my toe nails on her seat cushion after hours so they stick in her bare thighs when she sits down (because she wears those skanky short skirts!). Also, I left one of these plastic crunk cups on her desk for her to find whe she came in one day:



I don't know who's wronging who at this point. But she knows that thanks to Activia, I'm regular to the point that you can set your watch to my 10:45 bowel movement. So I'm certain that she was the one who stopped up the handicapped toilet this morning before I got in there, to get back at me for cutting her off at the red light! I'm not totally sure, but I'm pretty damn sure!

Support our troops!

Now I'm gonna give you all a lesson you surely need. A lesson in supporting our troops! Follow my foolproof plan, and you too can call yourself a "patriotic American"!

Step 1 - Show off your support

You really need to slap a few more of those yellow ribbon magnets on your truck or SUV. You're also gonna want to put a yellow ribbon around a tree in your yard. And a true patriot knows how to get they flag on: magnets, t-shirts, and all that. In the South you may substitute with a rebel flag.



Step 2 - Let 'em know

Nothing impresses our young soldiers more than when you stop them in an airport, or interrupt them while they're eating to tell them how much you appreciate them. Perhaps you could get on a loudspeaker or something and get everyone around to start clapping.



Step 3 - Care packages

Our finest young men and women are currently serving in some of the shittiest war conditions of all time. They're sure to get lonely in that drugless, pussyless land of Muslims and sand. Relieve the suffering by sending them a care package of comforting items, such as smokes, liquor, pills, and all the used pornography you can collect from your local community. They'd also appreciate lots of those DVDs that are sold for $3.99 in the Kmart bargain bin.



Step 4 - Punch a hippie in the face

America's troops don't always get the rest they need. They'd sleep a hell of a lot better if they were safe in the knowledge that somewhere, somehow, a hippie was getting sucker punched in the face. They'll have extra sweet dreams if you also take the time to kick that hippie in the stomach until there's blood in his stool.



Step 5 - Keep things cool on the home front

The families of soldiers are their support system, which means that their needs are important too. So do your part by keeping a soldier's husband or wife warm at night. Send them pictures from home of you showing their spouse a good time. Maybe send them a fun picture of you with their kid sitting on your shoulders. It will be a relief for them to know that someone is taking care of things while they're away.



These steps are, admittedly, the very least you could do!

Feel free to comment with your own ideas for helping America's bravest.

Tattoos can be sexy!

I'm all about the sex appeal. From my brown lip-liner down to my Uggs, you know that when I go out, I'm lookin' hot! And nothing completes the look like the right tattoos. They help me express myself in ways that a graphic t-shirt never could!

My first tattoo was a 16th birthday present from my mom. That and a fake I.D. were the only gifts I got that year. I went with good old "Taz", because it really spoke to me at the time. I'm think about getting it retouched, and maybe updating it with a fireman uniform, and a "#20" in honor of my man Tony Stewart!



When I turned 22 I decided to get another one done. This time I went for the classic "sun" tattoo, 'cause I was at the beach. I felt like going hardcore, so I had this one put right in my armpit! Goddamn that hurt! I remember my friends asking me if I was afraid of getting hepatitis from that cheap tattoo parlor. I said, "hell no! I already got hepatitis!".



With Kevin gone and this new phase of life getting under way, I realized that I'm finally ready to express my current attitude. I love those little "Bratz" dolls that my daughter's friends are always bringing over the house, so I decided to base it on that. Now that it's done, I'm happy to say that she's just like me: A little bit of an angel, a little bit of a devil, and a whole lotta crazy bitch!



There's another tattoo I had done of a cute little skunk, but I can't show you that one! Let's just say that they put it right where the sun don't shine! He's a li'l stinker!

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I got an iBook for $50!

Did I ever tell y'all how I got an iBook for just $50? It was one crazy day! Come to think about it, that was just three years ago this month!

These iBooks came from the Henrico County School District, which loans all their students notebook computers to use during the school year. They had recently decided to upgrade with new Dells, and needed to get rid of their existing iBooks. At first they sold off a bunch of their used iBooks to the students, and then planned to sell the last thousand off to Henrico residents.



This sale was promoted, then postponed, then moved from the West End to the East End at the Richmond International Raceway. That's a pretty scummy part of town, so I knew the competition would be fierce! I borrowed a voter ID card from a friend at work so I could pretend that I lived in Henrico in case anyone asked.

I had my husband at the time, Kevin, drive me down there to drop me off. There were lots of people in line, so I started to doubt my chances of getting my iBook. The way they had it set up, you had to be let through the gate, then it was a wide open free-for-all until you made it to the building where they actually sold the iBooks.

Kevin dropped me off across the street from the main gate at about 6:40 a.m., and I sat there rather than finding my way to the back of the line. There were only 5 or 6 cops available to control a crowd of several hundred, who were all waiting patiently in line at the gate, so I knew I had a good chance of skipping the line.

As the gates opened I ran across the street, braced myself, and dove into the crowd as they attempted to file in. I used my elbows as a battering ram, and jammed my way into the mass of people with all my might! I had pretty good leverage and momentum, which sent about 50 people to the ground in a stunning domino effect!



Due to bad planning, this calamity sent one old lady to the ground on the right, then an old man went down to my left, and one fool almost crushed her own child before her man rescued it from the stroller. I still wonder what kind of a moron brings elderly folks and babies to a riot!? People around me started hitting each other with folding chairs, and I noticed one dude was even smart enough to bring a helmet!



After shoving my way through that plug of humanity, (and stepping on what I think was a thigh) it was just a matter of running speed. I was sure glad I hadn't waited in line all morning like the rest of those idiots! Besides the nasty heat and humidity, people were fatigued from waiting since 1 a.m. Later on I learned that one bitch even pissed her pants just to keep her spot in line! And after the initial jam at the gate there was a girl hopping around the hot pavement on one flip flop, asking people if they had seen the other one. Craziness!

After the 100 yard dash the more motivated of us got up to the actual building where they were selling the iBooks, and the whole crowd had to bottleneck again. I used a combination of rib jabs and titty punches to force my way up to the door. I was able to keep folks from shoving me from behind by kicking my heels backwards into shins, crotches, and what-have-you. Before I knew it I was up in there!



Once inside, things were relatively organized and quick. With the outside crowd held at bay, the workers allowed me to test and purchase a laptop at my leisure. It was so quick and easy that I even made it to work on time that morning! Thanks Henrico County!

Of course, everyone was self-conscious for our local image as news of the stampede was broadcast 'round the world. Everyone shook their head and cast their judgement on Richmond. Luckily for us, Hurricane Katrina showed up, the rioting began in New Orleans, and suddenly we weren't lookin' so bad!





8-16-05...Nevar forget!

I love a county fair!

I know, I've got that weathered look so common to county fair trash. So it will come as no surprise to you that the kids and I had a blast at this years Powhatan County Fair! The food, the animals, the games, the smells! Nothing beats it!

They all start out the same way. Drinking homemade tomato wine in the parking lot. Giving the kids $3 each to run wild with. Doing a couple lines of crank. Buying tickets. Ignoring the stupid religious groups that always have "free water" and "cool down" booths by the entrance. But from there, you never know what to expect!

The kids wanted to start out with the animal exhibits, which is okay with me. They really had all variety of blue ribbons at this one. Everything from "most miserable pony" to "brokenest-leg chicken" to "rottenest sheep's ass wool". There was even a canine category for "plumpest heart worms"!

Then it was on to some entertainment. They were able to get local favorite Johnny Ray's Weak-Ass Rockin' Blues Experiment. They had me dancing my fool head off! After that they cleared off the stage for some fun competition. My cousin Richie went up there as a joke, but ended up winning in a game of dares by French kissing a sick old horse!

I found the kids over by the Midway, where they had already spent the money I had given them. I decided to win them a prize. We looked at the various options, and chose the game that had the best prizes: day-glo fanny packs! They make you earn 'em, too!

Basically you have to use a tennis ball to hit a baby, who they've dressed up as clown. I tell you what, that baby could move! After my third set of balls I almost gave up! But on my last try I wound up, anticipated his movement, and nailed him right in the face! I don't know what kind of a mother would put their baby in a game like that, but damn, it was fun!

We built up a good-sized hunger, and the heat was really bearing down. Time for some wacky county fair foods, followed by some dangerously fun rides! I bought each of the kids a possum fritter, and a handful of that feed corn they sell by the goat enclosures. I treated myself to an old favorite, the deep fried hog jowl on a stick! It was the biggest one I've ever eaten!

Just for fun, we stopped to get our pictures taken with the 2008 Pickled Egg Queen! The kids loved her! I thought she was an ugly bitch, but this is Powhatan, so I guess they gotta take what they can get. She was wearing some kind of modified thrift store prom dress, and her shoes were clearly homemade.

Finally we headed over to the rides. Like most fairs, these rides were expensive! I told the kids to pick just one ride each, and if they were good then maybe I'd let them ride home in the trunk of the car! They all chose the Ferris wheel, which was good news to me, because those other rides are rough, and I didn't think we could take another barf-rageous episode like our flight home from Florida. After along wait on the line we were given our seats. We got to highest point of the wheel when the kids decided to dump their cups of warm fruit punch all over the folks below. It was embarrassing, but hilarious!

We finished off our day with a visit to the lame ass room full of typical county fair crap. Best pie, canned chunks of God-knows-what, longest peanut, boringest quilt, you name it. It's just a nice way to help everyone wind down and cool off after all the excitement. The kids and I shared a hot can of Coors on the way home and talked about all the fun we had. We all agreed that this had been the best county fair ever!

Let kids just be kids!

I feel so bad for children these days! They're under so much pressure, with all the adult rules and structure we place upon them. That's why I try to let my kids just be kids! They should have fun while they're young, and they'll end up being stronger for it!

Kids learn by trying new things. They need to drift out to the deep end of the pool to learn that they can't swim. They need to split their heads open to learn that bikes are dangerous. They need to be seriously electrocuted every now and then to understand the dangers of a unprotected outlet.

I guess it's not the basic protection that bothers me so much. It's the overprotection! These parents put their kids in helmets and pads. They dress their kids in snowsuits, even when there isn't any snow on the ground. These little brats are growing up to be sissies!

Another problem I've noticed lately is with the anti-bacterial soaps and gels. Kids build their immunities by being exposed to germs, not by being shielded from them! I'm not saying you should serve their dinner out of a dead cat's ass. I'm just saying...they're not surgeons! So let them be kids! The grubbier they are, they healthier they'll become!

The very worst parents out there are the ones who get into other parents' biz-nass! I've actually gotten a couple calls from other girls' parents about my daughters Myspace page. Apparently they found her pictures offensive. I told them that if my teenage daughter wants to show her ass on myspace, that's her thing! She's young and just trying to have fun! It's not like she's some kind of whore!

Anyway, just think about this the next time you see someone wiping off a kids mouth, making a kid attend school, or forcing them to tie their shoes. Kids should have fun and be young! They should kiss and punch and bleed their way to maturity the old fashioned way!

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The authentic Chinese food experience!

Phil took me out to a fancy Chinese food restaurant last night. I don't want to name the place because I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate being overrun by gweilos, but what I can tell you is that the food was fantastic!

They have one menu for the American clientele, and another somewhat secret and more authentic menu which they only offer to their Asian customers, and to those who are "in the know". Phil asked to see a copy of the authentic menu. I was wary at first, but I must say that the experience has really opened my eyes to foreign cuisine!

Since this meal was all about trying new things, we decided to order a variety of items to share. We started out with semi-boneless vegetarian egg rolls, along with a small bowl of their homemade lambskin condom soup. Both were tasty and unusual, but I'm not sure if I'd order them again.



For our next course we decided on some truly exotic dishes. Phil went for the dandruff teriyaki, and an appetizer-sized order of the thrift store underwear dumplings. I decided on the prawns & zygote delight, which is served on a bed of restroom scrapings lo mein. The dumplings were plump and juicy. The dish I chose was decent, but a little hard to describe. I really couldn't tell the prawns from the zygotes.



The waiter recognized that we were clients of distinction. He talked us into trying one of the house specialties, the hot & spicy tripe wrapped cow eyes. It was served in a decadent pool of oyster sauce. I must say, the texture of this dish was like nothing I've ever eaten!



Temporarily satisfied, we took a break to talk, and to try one of their Bacardi 151 based fruit cocktails. I just ordered by pointing at the picture on the menu. I think they said it was called a "Say Bok Gwai". We also shared a flaming volcano, which we ordered "dirty". That bartender sure wasn't stingy with the clam juice! Yum!



Well before long we were hungry again, so we decided to pick at a couple more dishes. Phil said that the experience would be incomplete without trying such traditional fare as the fried Thai-boy feet with baby corn, or the electrocuted squirrel with garlic sauce. We requested both, along with a few of their sumptuous crispy duck heads. These three dishes were my favorites of the night!



To wrap this up, I'll simply say that cheap Americanized Chinese food is good,(even though they always ruin perfectly good fried rice with those nasty frozen peas and diced carrots). But authentic Chinese food is truly a feast for the senses! So the next time you crave Chinese, go ahead and treat yourself, try something new, and ask for the "real" menu. You'll be glad you did!

Money saving tips for single moms!

As a single mom, I need to set a pretty sizable chunk of my budget aside to keep my hair, nails, and clothes nice. I also need a good amount of cash for the clubs, and for cigarettes (men love a woman who smokes!). With three kids to dress and feed, this is no easy feat! So you know I got to pinch pennies whenever I can. I'm sure that I'm not alone in this, so I'm sharing my money saving secrets with you!

I've got a decent job, so I'm already in pretty good shape. I'm also taking in some significant child support checks (good thing he didn't ask for a paternity test!). But did you know that I file for welfare and food stamp assistance under my maiden name? That welfare check is like extra money! I can cash those suckers right at the grocery store service desk, and immediately purchase a carton of smokes, a three pound bag of steamed and spiced shrimp, and a six pack of Corona. The rest gets invested in scratch-off lottery tickets.

Babies today have some very expensive needs. But it's a hell of a lot worse when you pay retail for all those supplies! That's why I buy my baby formula from young thugs in the 'hood! Thieves steal cans of formula from the grocery store, and they sell those cans to other folks out on the street at significantly lower prices! Bad neighborhoods are also a great place to salvage an old dresser drawer, which you can fashion into a makeshift crib! And while I'm down there I usually go ahead and pick up a dime bag!

You can definitely save money when you eat breakfast at home, but sometimes we need something on the go! If it's morning, try sneaking in on a continental breakfast. I personally recommend the Hampton Inn. They've got all the good stuff, plus complimentary bottled waters and cookies sitting out all over the place! Just drag an empty suitcase around behind you and nobody will be the wiser!

If you feel like something quick, just pop into a small bakery and ask for your special order. While the clerk is in the back looking for the package that isn't there, you can sneak around the counter and break off a few muffin tops. Bring your own mug and you might have time to pump some "free" coffee in it on your way out the door!

I usually order in for lunch, or bring my own, because I usually have to work through. But I've definitely got the dinner solution! I send my kids to the rear kitchen door of restaurants. Most of the chefs can't resist their pathetic begging faces. Just be sure to watch over your kids from afar so you can get them out of there before social services shows up!

Sometimes you just need some quick cash, but ATM fees can really add up. Don't worry! There are a number of ways to get some easy green! You can always pick up a receipt in a parking lot, go inside, take the related item off the shelf, and bring it to the service desk as a return. This one is a bit risky. You might want to call that location's phone number and ask to be transferred to "security". If somebody picks up then you'll know for sure that someone is manning the cameras.

Another fun way to generate cash is to buy things with your food stamp card, then return those items later for cash. Just remember to accidentally tear off the part of the receipt that identifies which form of payment you used. This tip is especially handy at places that offer "double your money back" guarantees on pricey things like birthday cakes and deli meats. Mo' money, mo' money!

Holidays can be a real drag for parents. Toys are stupidly expensive, and it's just a hassle to have to shop for three kids. That's where Toys for Tots, and similar programs come in! Often times they even deliver to your home! Same goes for food banks, which have gladly delivered me full Thanksgiving meals with all the fixins! The only downside is that you have to cook it!

Now here's some relief from those damn gas prices! Stealing gas is fine, but it can be time consuming to steal license plates and have to swap them on and off of your car every time you need a fill up. I take a different approach. I just park my car in a grocery store parking lot, pop the hood, and start walking around asking everyone for a little money for gas. People are very sympathetic to a young mom, especially when I've got the kids strapped into their car seats on a hot day! Ten bucks here, five bucks there, and I've got enough to fill my tank in under a half-hours time!

If any of y'all have some tips of our own to share, please comment! We've got to stick together so we can take care of our families, and get the most out of life!

Knitting hotties!

I just joined one of those ironic craft groups, The Knotty Hotties! Apparently knitting isn't just for grannies anymore! Our "Hotties" group is only for sexy single young ladies! We knit while talking about our men, and about other private stuff! On my very first group meeting the girls helped me choose some affordable starter materials, and they helped me diagnose my irregular discharge problem!

This is our group leader (and my new knitting guru) Gretchen North!



She's taught me a lot about knitting already, and she's full of creative sex tips! Phil really enjoyed this one new position she taught me called "The Supergoat"!

Not only is this a relaxing, enjoyable hobby, but the financial savings are through the roof! For example, I can knit my kids some cheap wool underwear rather than spending money at the Goodwill! Of course, why should I waste money on yarn when I can make my own? Everyone on my Christmas list is getting a two-foot long scarf made of spun cat dander!

Right now I'm working on a simple little purse to keep my smokes in. I think my next project is gonna be one of these raunchy thongs! But I'm gonna make mine with rebel flag colors! I might even make it a fancy crotchless one!



If that works out I'm gonna knit Phil a red velveteen bulge cozy.

One of those days!

Yesterday I got in a fight with the cashier at the Hardee's drive-thru because they're too goddamn slow! It takes longer than going inside, which really defeats the purpose. I lied and said, "I'll never come here again!". The lady replied, "Good! Have a shitty day!" and slammed the little window shut in my face. That's when I realized that I already was having a shitty day. I don't know if it's karma, or what, but fate just loves to bite me in the ass!

The morning started out innocently enough. I turned off the alarm, started the coffee pot, and headed to the bathroom. But when I reached for some toilet paper I found just one square, glued firmly to the cardboard tube. So I hopped over to the closet with my pajama pants around my ankles, grabbed the last roll we had in the house, hopped back, lost my grip, and dropped it right into the toilet. Then I had to hop all the way to the kitchen and wipe with those really rough brown paper towels that I steal from work.

I decided that I'd start the day with a good breakfast. Now I know it's a bit of a cliché, but one of my bastard kids really did eat the last of the Cracklin' Oat Bran! I was madder than one of those fat couples who lost their ceiling fan on Trading Spaces! Now I had to hurry so I could squeeze in a Hardee's visit on the way to work.

I whipped on some clothes and headed out the door. I got into the Mercury, but of course it wouldn't start. No problem, that's why I have the van as a backup. So I got in the van and god-damn! It stunk like a sick old possum had been beaten to death with a banjo. I looked behind the seat and saw that we had forgotten a doggy bag of Chinese food in there from two nights ago. I had to smoke the whole time I was driving just to put up with the lingering stench!

For my drive into work I decided to take the Powhite. It can be a pain sometimes because you have to wait in a line of cars just to be ripped off by those toll plazas. I threw my coins into the basket, and the machine rejected them like a scorned woman. I reached down into the coin return and received my coins, along with a small, gooey wad of hair, and a folded up band-aid. Ugh!

On the way to the Hardee's I was hitting every red light possible. Sometimes I'd swear that certain traffic lights are timed badly by engineers just to piss me off! And whenever I drive down single lane roads I always get stuck behind a slow ass 18-wheeler, or piece of shit PT Cruiser. Like clockwork, the PT Cruiser always pulls into the Hardee's before me so I have one more car to wait behind at the drive through.

From there it went like it always does at that place. Wait 10 minutes to get up to the speaker to place an order. Wait 10 more minutes while the construction company vehicle at the window receives and triple checks their 50 person order. Wait while the bitch in the PT Cruiser tries to fish her debit card out of her oversized purse. Finally get up to the window and wait 5 more minutes for someone to appear with my food. So yeah, I lost my temper on the first person I saw! So what? She still had no right to talk to me like that, and I'm still going to call the franchise owner and get her ass fired!