If you've ever lived in Richmond then you know what a small town it can be. You can barely leave the damn house without running into past acquaintances, former coworkers, and of course, romantic exes. It's always awkward when you have to greet someone you haven't seen in a long time, but more especially when it's someone you've dated!
I'm quite popular with the fellas, so I'm always seeing old lovers out and about. If he's alone I'll usually either ignore him or give him a disinterested nod. But if he happens to be with a woman, it's different. For some reason I've just got to make the situation unbearable for all concerned!
I start out with a hello, and wait for an introduction to his companion. Then, as I shake her hand weakly, I look her over from her shoes all the way to her face. By the time we make eye contact I've got a nostril raised in disgust. Then I start ignoring the woman completely. I ask my ex how his mother or house pet is doing. Then I gaze longingly as he's answering the question.
Sometimes I'll flirt in an obvious manner to make his new girlfriend or wife feel threatened and uncomfortable. Other times I'll emasculate him by implying jokingly that he's a lousy lover, or incapable of taking care of himself or anyone else. If the mood is right I'll suggest that one of my kids might be his. It's also fun to coyly request his new cell phone number!
The best things to say are the things they don't expect. I'll say that I've been looking all over for him because he might have an STD. I'll subtly hint that he still owes me money for an old used car, or a long forgotten abortion. Then I start groping myself and talking about how much I miss him! It's about that time that he will politely end the conversation and walk away in a hurry, and I know that my work is done.
8 comments:
Damn - you know how to work it right don't you!
Such a genius.
"im quite popular with the fellas" that says it all...
Wake up woman!
"Sometimes I'll flirt in an obvious manner to make his new girlfriend or wife feel threatened and uncomfortable" eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww.
Jocelyn, nothing that you do can be considered obvious.
The next time you think that people around you might feel threatened and uncomfortable please consider the notion that they may be looking at you the same way they would be looking at a fatal road accident on a highway; we can't stop staring.
You go Girl
You are a horrible person.
Oh my god. You're my hero [: I'm definitely going to be doin' this type of thing soon! Perfect timing too, my ex just got a new girlie friend!
Then I start groping myself and talking about how much I miss him! It's about that time that he will politely end the conversation and walk away in a hurry, and I know that my work is done. <----Favorite part this is hilarious
Vanessa
Post a Comment