One of my favorite things to do in this boring ass town is to hit up a shopping mall. The mall is a safe place to let the kids run loose while I spend some of my extra cash on all the things that make life worthwhile. I like to be comfortable when I shop, so I wear my baggiest stretch pants, an oversized white T-shirt, and a black fannypack over the shirt, around my waist. I crimp my hair, and slip on my chunky black sandals (the ones with the four inch thick sole!).
When we get there the kids run off to fish coins out of the fountain so they can afford some games at the arcade. I usually treat myself to a snack so I'll have plenty of energy to shop. I got myself a big ol' Cinnabon at the Food Court on our last visit to the mall, and wolfed it down in record time! I was chewing the last hunk of it when I noticed some crazy woman standing near the Taco Bell counter, yelling and beating her kid's ass. I laughed so hard that a bunch of Cinnabon mess came shooting out my nose!
I wiped off my mouth with my hands, then wiped off my hands on the back of a stroller that was sticking out near me from the next table over. Phil and I drank a bunch of homemade hard cider the night before, and I had the runs big time. So I sauntered over to the women's bathroom to teach that handicapped accessible stall a little humility. My hands were still pretty messy from my snack, so I'm sure I left those rails in the stall about as sticky as a fly strip.
Shopping and eating aren't the only things to do at the mall. Sometimes it's fun just to pick on mall employees, like how I always yell "How them Dippin' Dots treatin' ya, fatty?!" to the big girl at the Dippin' Dots stand. And when I see small children throwing tantrums I'll sometimes sneak up to them and give them a really hard pinch, then walk away before anybody notices. Some of you might be bothered by that idea, but kids are our future, and it takes a village, if you know what I mean!
Another thing about me is that I try on everything before I buy it. If a cute top doesn't fit me I like to stretch it out with my knee so that it will never fit anyone ever again. And if something is a little pricier than I like I've got a good technique for stealing it. I rip one of those security things off another item and drop it in an old woman's giant purse. Then I walk out the door the same time as her. She'll inevitably stop and look around when the alarm goes off, and I just keep on going.
It was time to head back to the Food Court again for my fifth sample of sesame chicken. That's when I realized something else about myself. Whenever I'm at the mall I always look other women up and down, usually with one nostril raised in disgust. If they return eye contact I say something like, "What you lookin' at, ya gawky bitch?". It's a strange part of my personality, the way I have to show dominance to any other women I encounter. But that's the way I am, and I ain't changing for nobody!
The kids met me at our usual spot, by the candy machines. I don't like them to eat candy in the van, so I make them spit their gum out on the ground by the mall's entrance doors. Then, on the way back to our parking spot we play a game where they check the locks on the other cars to see if any are unlocked. When they find one they call me over so I can grab any valuables that have been left out. I've gotten quite a collection of iPods together from playing this game!
Monday, September 29
Friday, September 26
Don't tell me about my kids!
They just had Open House night at my son's school. I wasn't going to go, but my son's teacher sent him home with a special note asking me to attend. I showed up in my curlers and house dress, because I wasn't expecting this to be an interrogation. That horrible bitch was all over my case, talking about "genuine concerns regarding my children's welfare", and all that nonsense! I was able to ease her worries to some satisfaction, but damn! Can't it wait until Parent-Teacher Conference night?
I swear, some people act like I'm some kind of monster! But I'm more of a traditional mom than some of you may think. I write my kids' names on their sandwiches and cut the crusts off their underwear just like the good book says! And even if I fill up on Arby's before I get home, and the kids are asking what's for dinner, I always remind them to go next door to see what grandma got.
My children aren't exactly runnin' wild, y'all! For one thing, they're learning discipline through hard work. Just last week my teenage daughter had to fix the electric stove in the kitchen because she used my last condom. And my three year old was such a terror at the Social Security office yesterday that I'm making her wash the van this weekend. These types of punishments are more effective than spanking, and build character which lasts a lifetime.
When I spend time with my kids, it's quality time! I make sure that they're learning what they need to know to get by in this world. They learn how to make friends with kids whose parents have prescription pads lying around. I teach them how to place confusing orders at McDonald's so they can get their food for free when it comes back wrong. Or how to roll a cigarette out of discarded butts and single-ply toilet paper.
I also tell them things that effectively turn them against their father, regardless of whether those things are true or not. Like, even though he always pays child support on time, I tell them that he doesn't, and that's why I have to cut their hair with a Flowbee. Hell, even if he eventually gains visitation rights though the courts, he'll be sorry when the kids look right in his face and call him a "deadbeat"!
I swear, some people act like I'm some kind of monster! But I'm more of a traditional mom than some of you may think. I write my kids' names on their sandwiches and cut the crusts off their underwear just like the good book says! And even if I fill up on Arby's before I get home, and the kids are asking what's for dinner, I always remind them to go next door to see what grandma got.
My children aren't exactly runnin' wild, y'all! For one thing, they're learning discipline through hard work. Just last week my teenage daughter had to fix the electric stove in the kitchen because she used my last condom. And my three year old was such a terror at the Social Security office yesterday that I'm making her wash the van this weekend. These types of punishments are more effective than spanking, and build character which lasts a lifetime.
When I spend time with my kids, it's quality time! I make sure that they're learning what they need to know to get by in this world. They learn how to make friends with kids whose parents have prescription pads lying around. I teach them how to place confusing orders at McDonald's so they can get their food for free when it comes back wrong. Or how to roll a cigarette out of discarded butts and single-ply toilet paper.
I also tell them things that effectively turn them against their father, regardless of whether those things are true or not. Like, even though he always pays child support on time, I tell them that he doesn't, and that's why I have to cut their hair with a Flowbee. Hell, even if he eventually gains visitation rights though the courts, he'll be sorry when the kids look right in his face and call him a "deadbeat"!
Tuesday, September 23
The nastiest hotel in Richmond!
I was drinking down at Stool Pidgeons last night and hooked up with a dude named Rodney. We was hongry, so we headed next door to Buffalo Wild Wings and picked up a massive pack of wings to go. Then I drove us to a hotel over by the Richfood Dairy. Muffin, my rottie, was with us too, because I like to have him when I go downtown so he can protect the car.
We opened the door to our room and were immediately hit in the face with the smell of stale urine and thrice fried beans. I lit up a Black & Mild to mask the odor. There were two queen-sized beds, so we hopped into one of them and ate our wings. Since we still had a clean bed to go to, we just threw the saucy bones under the covers as we ate, and used the top of the bed sheet as a napkin.
Muffin was growling and digging at something under the other bed, which turned out to be a wad of nasty discarded hair extensions. I grabbed it from his mouth, opened the door of the room, and threw it off into the parking lot. That's when I noticed that the chain lock was broken on the door. I wasn't happy about having to rely on just the one cheap little doorknob lock in this sketchy-ass hotel!
Rodney is an electrician, and he handily rewired the wall near the TV so we could watch some porno and have it charged to the neighboring room. I love a man whose good with his hands! He also made sure that the clean bed was set up properly for us. The pillows looked like they had been shoved together and humped by a horse, so he swapped them out for the ones on the chicken wing bed.
We started kissing, and moved onto the bed for some messy, rough sex! It's nice to be able to really go crazy because it's not your bed! Rodney's toolbox also contained a few goodies. We broke out a jar of marmalade and everything! When we were done I wiped my rear end with the comforter and chucked it under a chair.
Sleep was hard to come by because there were people talking outside our door all night long. It sounded like someone leaned on our door at one point, and later someone even had the balls to try our doorknob! Luckily the lock held, and Muffin barked like a maniac to scare them away. We were able to safely huddle together in the stench and misery of that room until dawn.
We decided to get out of there early. We both have jobs to get to anyway. Rather than turn the key back in I decided to sublet the room to some meth addicts who we found creeping around the parking lot. Now I'm itching like crazy, and my back hurts. I'm pretty sure that crappy mattress was one giant scabies nest.
We opened the door to our room and were immediately hit in the face with the smell of stale urine and thrice fried beans. I lit up a Black & Mild to mask the odor. There were two queen-sized beds, so we hopped into one of them and ate our wings. Since we still had a clean bed to go to, we just threw the saucy bones under the covers as we ate, and used the top of the bed sheet as a napkin.
Muffin was growling and digging at something under the other bed, which turned out to be a wad of nasty discarded hair extensions. I grabbed it from his mouth, opened the door of the room, and threw it off into the parking lot. That's when I noticed that the chain lock was broken on the door. I wasn't happy about having to rely on just the one cheap little doorknob lock in this sketchy-ass hotel!
Rodney is an electrician, and he handily rewired the wall near the TV so we could watch some porno and have it charged to the neighboring room. I love a man whose good with his hands! He also made sure that the clean bed was set up properly for us. The pillows looked like they had been shoved together and humped by a horse, so he swapped them out for the ones on the chicken wing bed.
We started kissing, and moved onto the bed for some messy, rough sex! It's nice to be able to really go crazy because it's not your bed! Rodney's toolbox also contained a few goodies. We broke out a jar of marmalade and everything! When we were done I wiped my rear end with the comforter and chucked it under a chair.
Sleep was hard to come by because there were people talking outside our door all night long. It sounded like someone leaned on our door at one point, and later someone even had the balls to try our doorknob! Luckily the lock held, and Muffin barked like a maniac to scare them away. We were able to safely huddle together in the stench and misery of that room until dawn.
We decided to get out of there early. We both have jobs to get to anyway. Rather than turn the key back in I decided to sublet the room to some meth addicts who we found creeping around the parking lot. Now I'm itching like crazy, and my back hurts. I'm pretty sure that crappy mattress was one giant scabies nest.
Sunday, September 21
Rainy day fun activities for kids!
Okay parents, call the kids in, and leave the room!
This post is just for the little ones!
Your Auntie Jocelyn knows that sometimes as a kid you'll get stuck at home all day with an inattentive parent, or an ornery relative to babysit you. On a sunny day you can always go play with your friends (I'd certainly rather my kids be out messing up someone else's yard!). But in the event that rain or other conditions keep you indoors, you can still come up with fun ideas to keep yourself occupied. Here are just a few to get you started.
I know how kids love games! To avoid arousing suspicion, start out with some quiet games, like "stick the dirty Band-aid on Mommy's butt right before she leaves for the club" (my kids love that one!). Or you could wait until Grandpa starts napping, and paint him up like a bitch, with some nice blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick. Then wake him up by turning the thermostat up as high as it will go!
There are some activities that are mandatory whenever you're left unsupervised. For example, you've got to go through every drawer in your parent's room. Also, you're required as a kid to devour everything in the house that even slightly resembles chocolate. This is also your chance to go through the kitchen cupboards and throw out stuff that you don't like. Then head to the living room, and hide the remote control where nobody will ever find it again!
Being alone is also your perfect chance to get at everybody else's stuff! Use a magic marker to draw silly mustaches on all of your older sister's music posters. Take Dad's new stereo apart to see how it works. Shave race car numbers into your older brother's suede jacket. And eat the entire stick of that old fruit-scented lip balm you found in the junk drawer.
Even if you're not home alone, you've still got the bathroom, which is a classic stage for youthful shenanigans! You could take a piss in the sink, for curiosity's sake. Flush various objects down the toilet as a scientific experiment. Cover the toilet seat in a greasy lotion. Or simply pinch up a few bunches of hair from the floor and shove them into the bristles of Daddy's toothbrush!
Now that you've covered your bases, it's time for some good old fashioned imagination games. You can go old school, and play dress up with some of those crusty old clothes from the attic. Or you can cut your own hair with safety scissors. Create a modern art masterpiece by processing a good-sized live bird in the blender, then pouring it out onto a rug. Or pretend you're a teacher, and train your dog to hate a specific ethnic group.
If you're still bored, then maybe it's time to go a little wild! Eat some leaves off one of the plants in the house. Leave stray Lego pieces all over the carpet for people to step on in their stocking feet. Huff all the freon out of the air conditioner, and run around the house banging your forehead into sharp corners. Ride down the stairs on an old mattress. Play "doctor" with a cute cousin. Or just lock yourself in the dark basement and try to escape!
Moms and dads, you can come back out now! I don't think you'll be hearing any more complaints about boredom from these little rascals! Oh, please, don't thank me. We parents have to stick together!
This post is just for the little ones!
Your Auntie Jocelyn knows that sometimes as a kid you'll get stuck at home all day with an inattentive parent, or an ornery relative to babysit you. On a sunny day you can always go play with your friends (I'd certainly rather my kids be out messing up someone else's yard!). But in the event that rain or other conditions keep you indoors, you can still come up with fun ideas to keep yourself occupied. Here are just a few to get you started.
I know how kids love games! To avoid arousing suspicion, start out with some quiet games, like "stick the dirty Band-aid on Mommy's butt right before she leaves for the club" (my kids love that one!). Or you could wait until Grandpa starts napping, and paint him up like a bitch, with some nice blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick. Then wake him up by turning the thermostat up as high as it will go!
There are some activities that are mandatory whenever you're left unsupervised. For example, you've got to go through every drawer in your parent's room. Also, you're required as a kid to devour everything in the house that even slightly resembles chocolate. This is also your chance to go through the kitchen cupboards and throw out stuff that you don't like. Then head to the living room, and hide the remote control where nobody will ever find it again!
Being alone is also your perfect chance to get at everybody else's stuff! Use a magic marker to draw silly mustaches on all of your older sister's music posters. Take Dad's new stereo apart to see how it works. Shave race car numbers into your older brother's suede jacket. And eat the entire stick of that old fruit-scented lip balm you found in the junk drawer.
Even if you're not home alone, you've still got the bathroom, which is a classic stage for youthful shenanigans! You could take a piss in the sink, for curiosity's sake. Flush various objects down the toilet as a scientific experiment. Cover the toilet seat in a greasy lotion. Or simply pinch up a few bunches of hair from the floor and shove them into the bristles of Daddy's toothbrush!
Now that you've covered your bases, it's time for some good old fashioned imagination games. You can go old school, and play dress up with some of those crusty old clothes from the attic. Or you can cut your own hair with safety scissors. Create a modern art masterpiece by processing a good-sized live bird in the blender, then pouring it out onto a rug. Or pretend you're a teacher, and train your dog to hate a specific ethnic group.
If you're still bored, then maybe it's time to go a little wild! Eat some leaves off one of the plants in the house. Leave stray Lego pieces all over the carpet for people to step on in their stocking feet. Huff all the freon out of the air conditioner, and run around the house banging your forehead into sharp corners. Ride down the stairs on an old mattress. Play "doctor" with a cute cousin. Or just lock yourself in the dark basement and try to escape!
Moms and dads, you can come back out now! I don't think you'll be hearing any more complaints about boredom from these little rascals! Oh, please, don't thank me. We parents have to stick together!
Friday, September 19
Down South frumpin'!
Tomorrow I'll officially be 5 months pregnant! That means it's time to get my frump on in a big way! You can get away with so much more when you've got that motherly glow, and I'll be taking full advantage. I've got enough problems right now without having to worry about finding hot fashionable clothing that'll fit me for a week or two, then doing it all again. I'm no longer interested in impressing those slags at work anyway.
It seems like just yesterday that I met that drunk fool at Cary Street Cafe. It was April 20th, so I knocked off work early and headed in there to see if anyone had any weed. I left with the one guy who had some (I was determined to smoke at 4:20 on 4/20!). We toked it up in his van, and it was some good shit! It must have been, because that's the only way I could ever be seduced by such a nasty bastard!
So that was the magic night, and now I'm paying the price! Besides the sweating and constant pressure on my pelvis, I'm just tired as hell. The doctor told me to cut out the coffee, so I've been limiting myself to just two venti Frappuccinos per day. It's damn near killing me! Y'all know I need my Frapps! I can't stand that doctor either. Every time I walk out of his office the crotch of my panties are literally sopping with medical lube!
Aside from the caffeine consideration, I'm really just letting myself go to tha fullest until all this unpleasantness is over. I'm smoking about a carton of Montclair menthol 100s per week, and eating my weight in generic cold cuts. I've been spending so much time laying up on the couch that my living room is starting to smell like a nasty wheelchair cushion. I'm also wearing the same old stained maternity sweatpants for days at a time. With a few more spills they might just pass for camouflage!
It seems like just yesterday that I met that drunk fool at Cary Street Cafe. It was April 20th, so I knocked off work early and headed in there to see if anyone had any weed. I left with the one guy who had some (I was determined to smoke at 4:20 on 4/20!). We toked it up in his van, and it was some good shit! It must have been, because that's the only way I could ever be seduced by such a nasty bastard!
So that was the magic night, and now I'm paying the price! Besides the sweating and constant pressure on my pelvis, I'm just tired as hell. The doctor told me to cut out the coffee, so I've been limiting myself to just two venti Frappuccinos per day. It's damn near killing me! Y'all know I need my Frapps! I can't stand that doctor either. Every time I walk out of his office the crotch of my panties are literally sopping with medical lube!
Aside from the caffeine consideration, I'm really just letting myself go to tha fullest until all this unpleasantness is over. I'm smoking about a carton of Montclair menthol 100s per week, and eating my weight in generic cold cuts. I've been spending so much time laying up on the couch that my living room is starting to smell like a nasty wheelchair cushion. I'm also wearing the same old stained maternity sweatpants for days at a time. With a few more spills they might just pass for camouflage!
Wednesday, September 17
Gettin' money over here!
If you're like me then you're all about gettin' paid! I'll try anything as long as it helps me bring in more of that chedda! And now that I've finished selling off all of my ex-husband's stuff I've been forced to be a bit more creative. I swear, the kids today think a parent's life is so easy, but it ain't! It's hard out here for a mom!
A few months back I had some bills to pay and ended up taking a part-time job at a nursing home. It had it's benefits, like free pills and a rehabilitation hot tub on site. And sure, those old folks are easy to steal from, because nobody believes their senile accusations. What wasn't easy was the actual work...like having to wipe off the insides of their legs!
I decided to get my kids to assist me in making ends meet. It's probably time for them to start earning their keep anyway, and they really love to feel included! I've got them running all over the neighborhood, swiping stuff from people's garages. Used sports equipment can bring in a pretty penny...and used tools bring in an even prettier one!
Sometimes when I need some extra scratch we'll do a little prowling around the mall. My two youngest kids are small, and particularly good at grabbing an unattended bag or two and slipping into a clothes rack to hide. Most times the bag will have the receipt in it, making returns a breeze. If not, I can still make use of that store credit!
When I head out of town to drink at one of the county bars, I often attract the burly, gun owning type. So when I'm done rockin' their world I simply wait until they fall asleep. Then I sneak downstairs and grab a spare handgun or two from their collections. 9 times out of 10 they keep the key right on top of the gun cabinet! There's a group of nice young men at the end of my block who will gladly pay up to $75 for a quality piece! Or accept it in trade for some really good weed!
I'm always looking for opportunities, so drop me a line if you have any fresh ideas. The best things to grab are items that nobody will miss. Maybe we could put our heads together and pull off a big job, like making off with that crummy Arthur Ashe monument and selling it for scrap metal!
A few months back I had some bills to pay and ended up taking a part-time job at a nursing home. It had it's benefits, like free pills and a rehabilitation hot tub on site. And sure, those old folks are easy to steal from, because nobody believes their senile accusations. What wasn't easy was the actual work...like having to wipe off the insides of their legs!
I decided to get my kids to assist me in making ends meet. It's probably time for them to start earning their keep anyway, and they really love to feel included! I've got them running all over the neighborhood, swiping stuff from people's garages. Used sports equipment can bring in a pretty penny...and used tools bring in an even prettier one!
Sometimes when I need some extra scratch we'll do a little prowling around the mall. My two youngest kids are small, and particularly good at grabbing an unattended bag or two and slipping into a clothes rack to hide. Most times the bag will have the receipt in it, making returns a breeze. If not, I can still make use of that store credit!
When I head out of town to drink at one of the county bars, I often attract the burly, gun owning type. So when I'm done rockin' their world I simply wait until they fall asleep. Then I sneak downstairs and grab a spare handgun or two from their collections. 9 times out of 10 they keep the key right on top of the gun cabinet! There's a group of nice young men at the end of my block who will gladly pay up to $75 for a quality piece! Or accept it in trade for some really good weed!
I'm always looking for opportunities, so drop me a line if you have any fresh ideas. The best things to grab are items that nobody will miss. Maybe we could put our heads together and pull off a big job, like making off with that crummy Arthur Ashe monument and selling it for scrap metal!
Monday, September 15
Richmond on the rocks!
Phil and I decided to take a romantic visit to Belle Isle this weekend. It's nice to get outside sometimes and enjoy the fresh air. I would have brought the kids, but they always run wild at outdoor attractions. We did bring our rottie (who I recently named "Muffin"), because the poor thing had been cooped up in the laundry room ever since he ate our neighbor's kitten. People keep telling me to put him to sleep, so I'm hiding him until I figure out what I want to do.
We started out by just sitting off from the crowd, on the rocks next to the beautiful James river. We kept ourselves busy by knocking back a 12-pack of Yuengling. I don't normally drink that brand, but damn, them boys is tasty! I like to throw the empty cans in the water and watch as they float downstream like little boats. We washed them down with some of those awesome Hostess apple pies. The wrappers for those don't float as well unless you crinkle them up into a ball.
Suddenly I realized that Muffin had wandered off. He had himself a little swim, and he was coming out of the water when I found him, smiling like a fool. He wandered over to a couple of guys and started shaking water all over them. That water had activated his crazy stink, and now that was all over these poor fellas. I was about to apologize when they started whining about it. Y'all know I can't stand sissies!
I rushed over and grabbed Muffin's collar to take control, but the devil in me took over! I started jerking the collar around menacingly while yelling "sick 'em!" over and over. That expression always gets Muffin going! He was barking and growling, and they were freaking out! They actually picked up their towel and shoes and walked off while scowling at me! What a couple of pussies!
If any of y'all left the house this weekend then you must have noticed that it was hot enough to breed sheep out there! I was needing to cool down bad, so I decided to get in the water. I don't actually want to swim in that stank mess, but it's nice to dip my feet. I took off my sneaks and dipped both feet in. Ahh, cool refreshment! But now I'm starting to regret the decision because the open ankle blisters that I always get from my work shoes look like they're on the verge of infection!
We started out by just sitting off from the crowd, on the rocks next to the beautiful James river. We kept ourselves busy by knocking back a 12-pack of Yuengling. I don't normally drink that brand, but damn, them boys is tasty! I like to throw the empty cans in the water and watch as they float downstream like little boats. We washed them down with some of those awesome Hostess apple pies. The wrappers for those don't float as well unless you crinkle them up into a ball.
Suddenly I realized that Muffin had wandered off. He had himself a little swim, and he was coming out of the water when I found him, smiling like a fool. He wandered over to a couple of guys and started shaking water all over them. That water had activated his crazy stink, and now that was all over these poor fellas. I was about to apologize when they started whining about it. Y'all know I can't stand sissies!
I rushed over and grabbed Muffin's collar to take control, but the devil in me took over! I started jerking the collar around menacingly while yelling "sick 'em!" over and over. That expression always gets Muffin going! He was barking and growling, and they were freaking out! They actually picked up their towel and shoes and walked off while scowling at me! What a couple of pussies!
If any of y'all left the house this weekend then you must have noticed that it was hot enough to breed sheep out there! I was needing to cool down bad, so I decided to get in the water. I don't actually want to swim in that stank mess, but it's nice to dip my feet. I took off my sneaks and dipped both feet in. Ahh, cool refreshment! But now I'm starting to regret the decision because the open ankle blisters that I always get from my work shoes look like they're on the verge of infection!
Thursday, September 11
You can find me in the club!
So last night I dumped the kids off at Mom's place and headed out for a night on the town. I'm a dedicated mother, but that doesn't mean that I don't like to go out and get my drank on! I've been back to my usual club since my ex-husband Kevin stopped going there. I started enough nasty rumors about him there that he can't get no play!
This place plays the best music in town. After a couple of drinks you can't stop me from shakin' my crazy ass all over that dance floor. I get nasty out there too! If the mood is right you might even catch me clappin' my 'donk all up on some sexy strangers! Things were going pretty good for me, on the dance floor and off. I was getting a good amount of attention, getting offers for drinks, followed by offers for a ride home! But you know I wasn't ready to go yet! I was havin' fun drinking, and the night was still young!
I ran out of smokes, so I ordered a fresh pack from the bartender, along with another shot of liquor. That bastard came back with my cigarettes , but said I was cut off from liquor. He even claimed that I was slurring and swearing a lot, but I disagreed. I grabbed the pack with one hand, swept a few drinks off of the bar with the back of my other hand, and yelled "fuck you then!". One of the drinks was a White Russian, and it got all over this one girl's nice black dress. I apologized briefly, but I'm sorry, she was just an unfortunate victim of this rude bartender!
I made my way to the bathroom, and that's when I realized how high I was. I almost fell forward off the toilet, which caused me to piss all over the seat. When I came out the club's bouncer was standing there ready to escort me out the door. I was feeling dizzy, so I didn't really mind too much. When I started heading to my car this handsome fellow started chatting me up. He complimented my good looks and offered to drive me home. How could I say no?
I pretty much blacked out the rest of the night, so I can't tell you much more about what happened. I woke up in my own bed, and he was gone. I'm fairly certain that we made love. The side of the bed he had been on was soiled with filth, so he must have been unwashed to the point that I suspect he may have been homeless. Another sign that he was a no account fool is that he didn't leave me any money on the dresser. And I'm pretty sure he stole our DVD player
This place plays the best music in town. After a couple of drinks you can't stop me from shakin' my crazy ass all over that dance floor. I get nasty out there too! If the mood is right you might even catch me clappin' my 'donk all up on some sexy strangers! Things were going pretty good for me, on the dance floor and off. I was getting a good amount of attention, getting offers for drinks, followed by offers for a ride home! But you know I wasn't ready to go yet! I was havin' fun drinking, and the night was still young!
I ran out of smokes, so I ordered a fresh pack from the bartender, along with another shot of liquor. That bastard came back with my cigarettes , but said I was cut off from liquor. He even claimed that I was slurring and swearing a lot, but I disagreed. I grabbed the pack with one hand, swept a few drinks off of the bar with the back of my other hand, and yelled "fuck you then!". One of the drinks was a White Russian, and it got all over this one girl's nice black dress. I apologized briefly, but I'm sorry, she was just an unfortunate victim of this rude bartender!
I made my way to the bathroom, and that's when I realized how high I was. I almost fell forward off the toilet, which caused me to piss all over the seat. When I came out the club's bouncer was standing there ready to escort me out the door. I was feeling dizzy, so I didn't really mind too much. When I started heading to my car this handsome fellow started chatting me up. He complimented my good looks and offered to drive me home. How could I say no?
I pretty much blacked out the rest of the night, so I can't tell you much more about what happened. I woke up in my own bed, and he was gone. I'm fairly certain that we made love. The side of the bed he had been on was soiled with filth, so he must have been unwashed to the point that I suspect he may have been homeless. Another sign that he was a no account fool is that he didn't leave me any money on the dresser. And I'm pretty sure he stole our DVD player
Monday, September 8
Supermarket smackdown!
Sunday is such a crappy day to shop around here. Ukrop's is closed, so every other supermarket in town is packed to the gills. Just moving around inside these stores can be frustrating when it's that busy. I get it over with as quickly as possible by cranking through there like a crazy woman. I breeze past produce, grab a yummy creme cake from the bakery, and head up to the deli meat counter.
Once I'm up there I tell them to give me a pound of whatever bologna is cheapest, and I check my voicemails on my cell phone while I wait for them to slice. I guess the deli clerk decided on the thickness for me because when he put the pile of meat up on the scale I noticed that it was sliced way too thin! He said I had nodded when he held up the first slice, but I don't think so! I told him he needed to slice it again, way thicker! This ain't no sandwich bologna, friend! This here's fryin' bologna!
Next I swung over to the meat department for a tube of ground beef and some chicken breast. I know that type of beef keeps getting recalled, but it's so damn good! And meat prices are so high that I can't afford not to buy a ton of chicken breast when it's on sale. While I was doing that I sent the kids ahead for other items we needed. My three year old came running back from the dairy and dropped a goddamn gallon jug of milk in front of the meat department's cutting room door!
I quickly shuffled her along with me towards the freezer section before anybody noticed what had happened. On our way towards the registers I caught my other two kids having a "pillow fight" with family -sized bags of Tostitos. I swear, these kids are such a handful sometimes! I sent them to play over by the entrance door so they'd be out of my way while I took care of things at the register. My blood started to boil as soon as I noticed how long those damn lines were! They really needed to open another register!
I got to the end of a pretty long line of people, and started to scope out the situation. Sure enough, there was another cashier carrying a till out from behind the service desk. I wasn't the only one who notice, so I quickly made my move, and thanks to some product displays that were set up by the front end I was able to dominate the space, block all those fools out, and get in her lane before anyone else!
I dumped my stuff on the belt and moved over in front of the cashier. I made her slow down while she was ringing things up because I like to see each price come up on the screen to see if it is the same as how I remembered it on the shelf tags. I also have to watch those sneaky baggers to make sure they give me "paper inside double plastic"! When the cashier was done I reached into my purse for my food assistance card, only to realize that it was in my other purse! She was nice enough to hold the line while I ran out to the car to get my checkbook.
I made it back inside rather quickly, because I always borrow Phil's handicap parking tag to help me with my errands. I grabbed a pen from the cashier and started filling out the check. Some guy behind me with a six pack and a big bag of cereal let out a groan, then grabbed his stuff off of the belt and started moving to another register. As the belt moved again I heard some people at the back of the line complain because there was juice all over the place. Apparently one of my chicken breast packages had gotten punctured!
As I pushed my cart away from the bagging area, I was still seething from that guy who had decided to change registers so rudely. He just had to groan out loud to express his displeasure, and y'all know I don't play that shit! I followed him outside, and put my stuff in the side of our van, as he was putting his beer and stuff in the bed of his truck. Then he started heading over to the CVS. This was my chance!
I started the van and put the kids inside. Then I casually pushed my cart over near his truck. I looked around, saw that no one was really looking, and shoved it towards his truck with all my might! I was running back towards the van when I heard it T-bone the side of his Tacoma with the resounding noise that only a metal shopping cart can make. That piece of shit will think twice next time he decides to give me attitude! I'm almost old enough to be his mother!
Once I'm up there I tell them to give me a pound of whatever bologna is cheapest, and I check my voicemails on my cell phone while I wait for them to slice. I guess the deli clerk decided on the thickness for me because when he put the pile of meat up on the scale I noticed that it was sliced way too thin! He said I had nodded when he held up the first slice, but I don't think so! I told him he needed to slice it again, way thicker! This ain't no sandwich bologna, friend! This here's fryin' bologna!
Next I swung over to the meat department for a tube of ground beef and some chicken breast. I know that type of beef keeps getting recalled, but it's so damn good! And meat prices are so high that I can't afford not to buy a ton of chicken breast when it's on sale. While I was doing that I sent the kids ahead for other items we needed. My three year old came running back from the dairy and dropped a goddamn gallon jug of milk in front of the meat department's cutting room door!
I quickly shuffled her along with me towards the freezer section before anybody noticed what had happened. On our way towards the registers I caught my other two kids having a "pillow fight" with family -sized bags of Tostitos. I swear, these kids are such a handful sometimes! I sent them to play over by the entrance door so they'd be out of my way while I took care of things at the register. My blood started to boil as soon as I noticed how long those damn lines were! They really needed to open another register!
I got to the end of a pretty long line of people, and started to scope out the situation. Sure enough, there was another cashier carrying a till out from behind the service desk. I wasn't the only one who notice, so I quickly made my move, and thanks to some product displays that were set up by the front end I was able to dominate the space, block all those fools out, and get in her lane before anyone else!
I dumped my stuff on the belt and moved over in front of the cashier. I made her slow down while she was ringing things up because I like to see each price come up on the screen to see if it is the same as how I remembered it on the shelf tags. I also have to watch those sneaky baggers to make sure they give me "paper inside double plastic"! When the cashier was done I reached into my purse for my food assistance card, only to realize that it was in my other purse! She was nice enough to hold the line while I ran out to the car to get my checkbook.
I made it back inside rather quickly, because I always borrow Phil's handicap parking tag to help me with my errands. I grabbed a pen from the cashier and started filling out the check. Some guy behind me with a six pack and a big bag of cereal let out a groan, then grabbed his stuff off of the belt and started moving to another register. As the belt moved again I heard some people at the back of the line complain because there was juice all over the place. Apparently one of my chicken breast packages had gotten punctured!
As I pushed my cart away from the bagging area, I was still seething from that guy who had decided to change registers so rudely. He just had to groan out loud to express his displeasure, and y'all know I don't play that shit! I followed him outside, and put my stuff in the side of our van, as he was putting his beer and stuff in the bed of his truck. Then he started heading over to the CVS. This was my chance!
I started the van and put the kids inside. Then I casually pushed my cart over near his truck. I looked around, saw that no one was really looking, and shoved it towards his truck with all my might! I was running back towards the van when I heard it T-bone the side of his Tacoma with the resounding noise that only a metal shopping cart can make. That piece of shit will think twice next time he decides to give me attitude! I'm almost old enough to be his mother!
Friday, September 5
Pranks, tricks, and practical jokes!
Everyone loves a good practical joke! As adults, we can still find ways to bring a little fun into our mundane lives. You can always go with an old standard, like running around your neighborhood at night ringing all the doorbells, or dressing stray animals up in retarded looking party hats. But if you're really looking for a laugh, try taking it to another level, and do something they'll never see coming!
A real friend is the best target for a harmless gag! A whoopee cushion is little played out, so try wiping your ass on the back of their bathroom curtain instead (don't worry, the sun will bleach it out)! Then head to the bedroom and slather all their clean pant crotches with egg whites. Maybe find a little time in your week to meet their fiancee for lunch, and say things that gives them doubts about the relationship!
As you've noticed, I'm a tough customer, which means I'm always running into problems at various businesses. If I don't get my way I can sometimes subdue my rage by pouring it into a well planned prank! Like once I managed to sneak some buck lure into the coat room of a fancy restaurant so I could douse everything in raw, musky goodness. I've also been known to plant drugs by the register and report them anonymously to the cops.
Sometimes I like to play tricks on total strangers. You can find a car with an open moon roof and pour a can of potato soup into the driver's seat. Consider prank calling a nice old person, even when you're sure they don't deserve it. Fill a balloon with grenadine and toss it at some bridesmaids. Or maybe you could break into someone's house at night and shoot them in the extremities with their own guns. And nothing says "fun" like loudly mocking homely children at the mall!
Like most parents, my favorite jokes are the ones I play on my kids! Children are so naive that they'll fall for anything, so keep it simple. At night I'll pour them a nice hot bath, but then fart in the water before I let them get in. Or I'll serve them up a country ham for dinner, but tell them that it's a smoker's lung. And when they're especially naughty I'll threaten to flush their dead grandfather's ashes down the toilet! They fall for that one every time!
A real friend is the best target for a harmless gag! A whoopee cushion is little played out, so try wiping your ass on the back of their bathroom curtain instead (don't worry, the sun will bleach it out)! Then head to the bedroom and slather all their clean pant crotches with egg whites. Maybe find a little time in your week to meet their fiancee for lunch, and say things that gives them doubts about the relationship!
As you've noticed, I'm a tough customer, which means I'm always running into problems at various businesses. If I don't get my way I can sometimes subdue my rage by pouring it into a well planned prank! Like once I managed to sneak some buck lure into the coat room of a fancy restaurant so I could douse everything in raw, musky goodness. I've also been known to plant drugs by the register and report them anonymously to the cops.
Sometimes I like to play tricks on total strangers. You can find a car with an open moon roof and pour a can of potato soup into the driver's seat. Consider prank calling a nice old person, even when you're sure they don't deserve it. Fill a balloon with grenadine and toss it at some bridesmaids. Or maybe you could break into someone's house at night and shoot them in the extremities with their own guns. And nothing says "fun" like loudly mocking homely children at the mall!
Like most parents, my favorite jokes are the ones I play on my kids! Children are so naive that they'll fall for anything, so keep it simple. At night I'll pour them a nice hot bath, but then fart in the water before I let them get in. Or I'll serve them up a country ham for dinner, but tell them that it's a smoker's lung. And when they're especially naughty I'll threaten to flush their dead grandfather's ashes down the toilet! They fall for that one every time!
Wednesday, September 3
My first sex toy party!
I decided it was time for me and the girls to get together again for some drinks and laughs. It's been a good while since our ill fated girls' night out! This time I thought of doing something at home instead, like a game night, or maybe a make-up party. I was asking some of the folks at work for ideas, and that ho Shirl suggested that I throw a sex toy party! She explained that it was like a Tupperware or candle sales party, but with vibrators and stuff. I could even get some free items for hosting it!
So I ordered the party kit from a sex toy company, and picked up some refreshments for the guests. I got a nice big box of wine, and some healthy snacks, like Costco pizza, and a package of Li'l Smokies. I also had my mom make some sperm shaped cookies. I even whipped up a giant bowl of pudding that we could use to demonstrate the toys in!
Jenna, Karen, and Bethany all showed up on time, and Shirl showed up late (I invited her to be the official "sexpert' for the event). I also invited my mom, and Jenna's new sister-in-law, Sherita. We started things off with a few glasses of Franzia, and I put on my K-fed CD to get us in the mood to open up. Sometimes the subject of sex can be uncomfortable, so it's nice to get a few drinks in first. Before long we were talking about all the freaky men we've been with, and all the strange places we've given birth!
Once we were all done with the snacks it was time to break out the goodies! They sent us a few samples of everything! Even that awesome lube that uses chemicals to cause a sexy burning sensation! I started things off by picking out a set of Harley Davidson nipple clamps for Phil, and we all had a good laugh. Jenna went for a glow-in-the-dark cock ring for her new husband, which kind of made me sentimental for when Kevin and I first got hitched! Karen bought a Magic Bullet, and immediately put it away in her purse.
We had fun checking everything out and passing them around. Then we got to the most expensive item of all, a hard rubber member they call "The Great American Challenge"! It was so big that the demonstration Shirl put on managed to break a full-sized Hubbard squash right in two! Heather made a joke about how it reminded her of that guy Devon that she met at Mulligan's. That's when we found out that Devon was Shirl's husband! I didn't even know she was married!
So, as you might have guessed, the party was officially over. Sherita got the hell out of there without even saying goodbye. We could barely pull Shirl's clenched fist out of Heather's hair just to split them apart! In the midst of the scuffle our new rottweiler ran into the living room and took off with a brand new $30 double-ender! Now it's all chewed up, so I'll end up having to pay for it!
We sent Shirl home, and I told Heather she could spend the night because she was afraid to go outside. Jenna's husband came and picked her up. Karen left, but ended up calling me 10 minutes later because she had gotten anxious to try that Magic Bullet and ended up driving her Chevy Cavalier into a ditch.
As part of the kit, the sex toy company gave me some weird string of beads and a vibrating butterfly thing as a gift for hosting the event, but the butterfly stopped working after about 2 minutes. This whole "sex toy party" experience left me feeling pretty disappointed.
So I ordered the party kit from a sex toy company, and picked up some refreshments for the guests. I got a nice big box of wine, and some healthy snacks, like Costco pizza, and a package of Li'l Smokies. I also had my mom make some sperm shaped cookies. I even whipped up a giant bowl of pudding that we could use to demonstrate the toys in!
Jenna, Karen, and Bethany all showed up on time, and Shirl showed up late (I invited her to be the official "sexpert' for the event). I also invited my mom, and Jenna's new sister-in-law, Sherita. We started things off with a few glasses of Franzia, and I put on my K-fed CD to get us in the mood to open up. Sometimes the subject of sex can be uncomfortable, so it's nice to get a few drinks in first. Before long we were talking about all the freaky men we've been with, and all the strange places we've given birth!
Once we were all done with the snacks it was time to break out the goodies! They sent us a few samples of everything! Even that awesome lube that uses chemicals to cause a sexy burning sensation! I started things off by picking out a set of Harley Davidson nipple clamps for Phil, and we all had a good laugh. Jenna went for a glow-in-the-dark cock ring for her new husband, which kind of made me sentimental for when Kevin and I first got hitched! Karen bought a Magic Bullet, and immediately put it away in her purse.
We had fun checking everything out and passing them around. Then we got to the most expensive item of all, a hard rubber member they call "The Great American Challenge"! It was so big that the demonstration Shirl put on managed to break a full-sized Hubbard squash right in two! Heather made a joke about how it reminded her of that guy Devon that she met at Mulligan's. That's when we found out that Devon was Shirl's husband! I didn't even know she was married!
So, as you might have guessed, the party was officially over. Sherita got the hell out of there without even saying goodbye. We could barely pull Shirl's clenched fist out of Heather's hair just to split them apart! In the midst of the scuffle our new rottweiler ran into the living room and took off with a brand new $30 double-ender! Now it's all chewed up, so I'll end up having to pay for it!
We sent Shirl home, and I told Heather she could spend the night because she was afraid to go outside. Jenna's husband came and picked her up. Karen left, but ended up calling me 10 minutes later because she had gotten anxious to try that Magic Bullet and ended up driving her Chevy Cavalier into a ditch.
As part of the kit, the sex toy company gave me some weird string of beads and a vibrating butterfly thing as a gift for hosting the event, but the butterfly stopped working after about 2 minutes. This whole "sex toy party" experience left me feeling pretty disappointed.
Monday, September 1
The trouble with pets!
I'm really starting to regret poking that hole in Re'quan's condom, because now he's gone, and I'm still stuck with this pregnancy. This has been my worst one yet. My back hurts like hell, and the only things I've been able to hold down are raw hot dogs and oysters. Soon the baby will be born, and I'll have a whole new set of problems. But I think kids are still easier to handle than most pets I've encountered. And at least kids allow me to collect welfare, child support, and tax exemptions.
Two months ago I was in the PetSmart trying to find a leash I could use at the mall to keep track of my 3-year-old daughter. I came across a display cage of gerbils and decided that the kids could use a new pet. I guess I should had asked for the microwaveable kind, because before I knew it I was pulling a dead gerbil out of our microwave. They had even stuck him in a Hot Pocket crisping sleeve beforehand! I swear, my children are too precocious for their own good!
You might remember from an earlier post about how I got the kids a dog for Christmas, but we ended up having to get rid of it. Well I had a change of heart about pet dogs when we found a stray Rottweiler out in the woods behind Chesterfield Auto Parts. He seemed to be pretty happy with us, except the other night when it bit the hell out of my son's arm, who was napping on the couch at the time. Phil said I should get rid of the damn thing, but I kind of like knowing that this dog could protect us with violence if necessary! Still, the co-pay on those stitches are gonna run me a good $100!
I've always had bad luck when it comes to pets, even when they don't belong to me! One time when I was driving the van to Rent-A-Center to make a payment, I hit a goddamn cat! It was a nice residential neighborhood, so I knew I wasn't supposed to just leave the thing in the road. It's important to try to advise the owner in these situations. So I carefully wrapped it up in a couple of plastic Food Lion bags and placed it in one of the nearby curbside mailboxes. I figured if the cat didn't belong to that family then they'd probably know which of their neighbors it belonged to and they'd let them know.
In conclusion, my advice is to stick with kids instead of pets. Kids can climb on counters and open cupboards to feed themselves, and let themselves outside to go to the bathroom. Pets are needy, they always want attention, and they're so stupid that they'll just dart out into traffic. Also, you can't occupy a pet by sticking it in front of a television.
This lady knows what I'm talking about.
Two months ago I was in the PetSmart trying to find a leash I could use at the mall to keep track of my 3-year-old daughter. I came across a display cage of gerbils and decided that the kids could use a new pet. I guess I should had asked for the microwaveable kind, because before I knew it I was pulling a dead gerbil out of our microwave. They had even stuck him in a Hot Pocket crisping sleeve beforehand! I swear, my children are too precocious for their own good!
You might remember from an earlier post about how I got the kids a dog for Christmas, but we ended up having to get rid of it. Well I had a change of heart about pet dogs when we found a stray Rottweiler out in the woods behind Chesterfield Auto Parts. He seemed to be pretty happy with us, except the other night when it bit the hell out of my son's arm, who was napping on the couch at the time. Phil said I should get rid of the damn thing, but I kind of like knowing that this dog could protect us with violence if necessary! Still, the co-pay on those stitches are gonna run me a good $100!
I've always had bad luck when it comes to pets, even when they don't belong to me! One time when I was driving the van to Rent-A-Center to make a payment, I hit a goddamn cat! It was a nice residential neighborhood, so I knew I wasn't supposed to just leave the thing in the road. It's important to try to advise the owner in these situations. So I carefully wrapped it up in a couple of plastic Food Lion bags and placed it in one of the nearby curbside mailboxes. I figured if the cat didn't belong to that family then they'd probably know which of their neighbors it belonged to and they'd let them know.
In conclusion, my advice is to stick with kids instead of pets. Kids can climb on counters and open cupboards to feed themselves, and let themselves outside to go to the bathroom. Pets are needy, they always want attention, and they're so stupid that they'll just dart out into traffic. Also, you can't occupy a pet by sticking it in front of a television.
This lady knows what I'm talking about.
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