Supermarket smackdown!

Sunday is such a crappy day to shop around here. Ukrop's is closed, so every other supermarket in town is packed to the gills. Just moving around inside these stores can be frustrating when it's that busy. I get it over with as quickly as possible by cranking through there like a crazy woman. I breeze past produce, grab a yummy creme cake from the bakery, and head up to the deli meat counter.

Once I'm up there I tell them to give me a pound of whatever bologna is cheapest, and I check my voicemails on my cell phone while I wait for them to slice. I guess the deli clerk decided on the thickness for me because when he put the pile of meat up on the scale I noticed that it was sliced way too thin! He said I had nodded when he held up the first slice, but I don't think so! I told him he needed to slice it again, way thicker! This ain't no sandwich bologna, friend! This here's fryin' bologna!

Next I swung over to the meat department for a tube of ground beef and some chicken breast. I know that type of beef keeps getting recalled, but it's so damn good! And meat prices are so high that I can't afford not to buy a ton of chicken breast when it's on sale. While I was doing that I sent the kids ahead for other items we needed. My three year old came running back from the dairy and dropped a goddamn gallon jug of milk in front of the meat department's cutting room door!

I quickly shuffled her along with me towards the freezer section before anybody noticed what had happened. On our way towards the registers I caught my other two kids having a "pillow fight" with family -sized bags of Tostitos. I swear, these kids are such a handful sometimes! I sent them to play over by the entrance door so they'd be out of my way while I took care of things at the register. My blood started to boil as soon as I noticed how long those damn lines were! They really needed to open another register!

I got to the end of a pretty long line of people, and started to scope out the situation. Sure enough, there was another cashier carrying a till out from behind the service desk. I wasn't the only one who notice, so I quickly made my move, and thanks to some product displays that were set up by the front end I was able to dominate the space, block all those fools out, and get in her lane before anyone else!

I dumped my stuff on the belt and moved over in front of the cashier. I made her slow down while she was ringing things up because I like to see each price come up on the screen to see if it is the same as how I remembered it on the shelf tags. I also have to watch those sneaky baggers to make sure they give me "paper inside double plastic"! When the cashier was done I reached into my purse for my food assistance card, only to realize that it was in my other purse! She was nice enough to hold the line while I ran out to the car to get my checkbook.

I made it back inside rather quickly, because I always borrow Phil's handicap parking tag to help me with my errands. I grabbed a pen from the cashier and started filling out the check. Some guy behind me with a six pack and a big bag of cereal let out a groan, then grabbed his stuff off of the belt and started moving to another register. As the belt moved again I heard some people at the back of the line complain because there was juice all over the place. Apparently one of my chicken breast packages had gotten punctured!

As I pushed my cart away from the bagging area, I was still seething from that guy who had decided to change registers so rudely. He just had to groan out loud to express his displeasure, and y'all know I don't play that shit! I followed him outside, and put my stuff in the side of our van, as he was putting his beer and stuff in the bed of his truck. Then he started heading over to the CVS. This was my chance!

I started the van and put the kids inside. Then I casually pushed my cart over near his truck. I looked around, saw that no one was really looking, and shoved it towards his truck with all my might! I was running back towards the van when I heard it T-bone the side of his Tacoma with the resounding noise that only a metal shopping cart can make. That piece of shit will think twice next time he decides to give me attitude! I'm almost old enough to be his mother!

Pranks, tricks, and practical jokes!

Everyone loves a good practical joke! As adults, we can still find ways to bring a little fun into our mundane lives. You can always go with an old standard, like running around your neighborhood at night ringing all the doorbells, or dressing stray animals up in retarded looking party hats. But if you're really looking for a laugh, try taking it to another level, and do something they'll never see coming!

A real friend is the best target for a harmless gag! A whoopee cushion is little played out, so try wiping your ass on the back of their bathroom curtain instead (don't worry, the sun will bleach it out)! Then head to the bedroom and slather all their clean pant crotches with egg whites. Maybe find a little time in your week to meet their fiancee for lunch, and say things that gives them doubts about the relationship!

As you've noticed, I'm a tough customer, which means I'm always running into problems at various businesses. If I don't get my way I can sometimes subdue my rage by pouring it into a well planned prank! Like once I managed to sneak some buck lure into the coat room of a fancy restaurant so I could douse everything in raw, musky goodness. I've also been known to plant drugs by the register and report them anonymously to the cops.

Sometimes I like to play tricks on total strangers. You can find a car with an open moon roof and pour a can of potato soup into the driver's seat. Consider prank calling a nice old person, even when you're sure they don't deserve it. Fill a balloon with grenadine and toss it at some bridesmaids. Or maybe you could break into someone's house at night and shoot them in the extremities with their own guns. And nothing says "fun" like loudly mocking homely children at the mall!

Like most parents, my favorite jokes are the ones I play on my kids! Children are so naive that they'll fall for anything, so keep it simple. At night I'll pour them a nice hot bath, but then fart in the water before I let them get in. Or I'll serve them up a country ham for dinner, but tell them that it's a smoker's lung. And when they're especially naughty I'll threaten to flush their dead grandfather's ashes down the toilet! They fall for that one every time!

My first sex toy party!

I decided it was time for me and the girls to get together again for some drinks and laughs. It's been a good while since our ill fated girls' night out! This time I thought of doing something at home instead, like a game night, or maybe a make-up party. I was asking some of the folks at work for ideas, and that ho Shirl suggested that I throw a sex toy party! She explained that it was like a Tupperware or candle sales party, but with vibrators and stuff. I could even get some free items for hosting it!

So I ordered the party kit from a sex toy company, and picked up some refreshments for the guests. I got a nice big box of wine, and some healthy snacks, like Costco pizza, and a package of Li'l Smokies. I also had my mom make some sperm shaped cookies. I even whipped up a giant bowl of pudding that we could use to demonstrate the toys in!

Jenna, Karen, and Bethany all showed up on time, and Shirl showed up late (I invited her to be the official "sexpert' for the event). I also invited my mom, and Jenna's new sister-in-law, Sherita. We started things off with a few glasses of Franzia, and I put on my K-fed CD to get us in the mood to open up. Sometimes the subject of sex can be uncomfortable, so it's nice to get a few drinks in first. Before long we were talking about all the freaky men we've been with, and all the strange places we've given birth!

Once we were all done with the snacks it was time to break out the goodies! They sent us a few samples of everything! Even that awesome lube that uses chemicals to cause a sexy burning sensation! I started things off by picking out a set of Harley Davidson nipple clamps for Phil, and we all had a good laugh. Jenna went for a glow-in-the-dark cock ring for her new husband, which kind of made me sentimental for when Kevin and I first got hitched! Karen bought a Magic Bullet, and immediately put it away in her purse.

We had fun checking everything out and passing them around. Then we got to the most expensive item of all, a hard rubber member they call "The Great American Challenge"! It was so big that the demonstration Shirl put on managed to break a full-sized Hubbard squash right in two! Heather made a joke about how it reminded her of that guy Devon that she met at Mulligan's. That's when we found out that Devon was Shirl's husband! I didn't even know she was married!

So, as you might have guessed, the party was officially over. Sherita got the hell out of there without even saying goodbye. We could barely pull Shirl's clenched fist out of Heather's hair just to split them apart! In the midst of the scuffle our new rottweiler ran into the living room and took off with a brand new $30 double-ender! Now it's all chewed up, so I'll end up having to pay for it!

We sent Shirl home, and I told Heather she could spend the night because she was afraid to go outside. Jenna's husband came and picked her up. Karen left, but ended up calling me 10 minutes later because she had gotten anxious to try that Magic Bullet and ended up driving her Chevy Cavalier into a ditch.

As part of the kit, the sex toy company gave me some weird string of beads and a vibrating butterfly thing as a gift for hosting the event, but the butterfly stopped working after about 2 minutes. This whole "sex toy party" experience left me feeling pretty disappointed.

The trouble with pets!

I'm really starting to regret poking that hole in Re'quan's condom, because now he's gone, and I'm still stuck with this pregnancy. This has been my worst one yet. My back hurts like hell, and the only things I've been able to hold down are raw hot dogs and oysters. Soon the baby will be born, and I'll have a whole new set of problems. But I think kids are still easier to handle than most pets I've encountered. And at least kids allow me to collect welfare, child support, and tax exemptions.

Two months ago I was in the PetSmart trying to find a leash I could use at the mall to keep track of my 3-year-old daughter. I came across a display cage of gerbils and decided that the kids could use a new pet. I guess I should had asked for the microwaveable kind, because before I knew it I was pulling a dead gerbil out of our microwave. They had even stuck him in a Hot Pocket crisping sleeve beforehand! I swear, my children are too precocious for their own good!

You might remember from an earlier post about how I got the kids a dog for Christmas, but we ended up having to get rid of it. Well I had a change of heart about pet dogs when we found a stray Rottweiler out in the woods behind Chesterfield Auto Parts. He seemed to be pretty happy with us, except the other night when it bit the hell out of my son's arm, who was napping on the couch at the time. Phil said I should get rid of the damn thing, but I kind of like knowing that this dog could protect us with violence if necessary! Still, the co-pay on those stitches are gonna run me a good $100!

I've always had bad luck when it comes to pets, even when they don't belong to me! One time when I was driving the van to Rent-A-Center to make a payment, I hit a goddamn cat! It was a nice residential neighborhood, so I knew I wasn't supposed to just leave the thing in the road. It's important to try to advise the owner in these situations. So I carefully wrapped it up in a couple of plastic Food Lion bags and placed it in one of the nearby curbside mailboxes. I figured if the cat didn't belong to that family then they'd probably know which of their neighbors it belonged to and they'd let them know.

In conclusion, my advice is to stick with kids instead of pets. Kids can climb on counters and open cupboards to feed themselves, and let themselves outside to go to the bathroom. Pets are needy, they always want attention, and they're so stupid that they'll just dart out into traffic. Also, you can't occupy a pet by sticking it in front of a television.

This lady knows what I'm talking about.

Fun family dining at Hooters!

Phil took me and the kids to Hooters last night for a special dinner! We love the food there, and the kids always have so much fun. My girls talk about how they want to be Hooters waitresses when they grow up, and my son talks about how he likes tits. It's also fun for me because of the cute way Phil blushes when the Hooters waitresses flirt with him to get a bigger tip. And he always shows me a good time in bed after a Hooters visit!

The waitresses there always seem to be having a real blast! Sometimes they break out the hula hoops, or sing happy birthday for their unkempt male customers. The only other place I've seen people take such pride and joy in there work was that weird taqueria we found in Tijuana where the bar girls would give birth to a gallon of green gelatin on an overhead plexiglass stage for tips and applause.

The one problem with Hooters is that they don't hire any man candy! They staff the "open" kitchen area with men, but they must be trying to curb the amount of romance among their employees, because these guys are the ugliest dudes you'll ever see. The male managers also seem to be hand selected for their undeniable repulsiveness.

Anyhoo, the kids shared a big plate of cheese fries for dinner. I didn't want them to fill up too much because I had an extra long Slim Jim out in the van set aside for dessert. Phil had the snow crab legs, which taste like a mouthful of dirty ocean water. I ordered the wings, but they didn't seem to be hot enough. I sent them back three times, until they were totally cold and there was practically more sauce than wings. They tasted right by then, so I went ahead and made a saucy pig of myself!

The beers at Hooters are the best part. They use frosty glasses, and always have cold Miller Lite on draft! And those professional waitresses they got there are more than happy to keep 'em comin'! A couple 25 oz. "Big Daddy" mugs are all I need to wash down a plate of their spicy wings! I'll admit that once it's all in my stomach I feel pretty bloated, but by then I'm too tipsy to care!

All fine meals must come to an end, so out to the parking lot we went. I guess the beer got to my head worse than I thought, because I turned too tight out of the parking space and caught the front bumper and quarterpanel of a brand new GMC Yukon! They still had the dealer tags and everything! Well you know I can't have no more DUI tickets on my record, so we just got the hell out of there! I guess I won't be driving the van to that Hooters location for a while!

I think she speaks for all of us!

Now here's a true patriot. Another graceful woman for Hillary! I almost cried when I watched this!



I hate to say it, but Hillary really let us women down by losing to Obama! Luckily there are still strong women out here with the class to stand up and shout about it!



I'm just glad that the press is starting to take notice! (new window)

A worthy adversary!

Not that I give a crap, but that ho at work is steppin' on my nuts again, so to speak. It's a shame, too, 'cause Friday started out as anyone would have hoped. It's a "casual day" at our office, so I wore my new gold J-Lo style jogging suit, which looks damn good on my big sweet behind! I amplify the effect by wearing a cute little black mini-backpack!

So I'm driving to work, eating my microwave pancake-wrapped sausage-on-a-stick, and baby, I'm cruisin'! I'm making damn good time. I realize that I'm in the wrong lane, so I cut over in front of some sucker just as the light is changing up ahead. I slam on my breaks out of habit, then speed up to make the yellow light. The car behind me got a red but kept on following. Our parking lot entrance is directly after that light, and sure enough, they follow me in, so I know it's one of my co-workers!

At first I was afraid that I had pissed off the wrong person. The I realized that it was Sarah, our be-otch of a secretary! I thought, "Good!", 'cause I'm all about stickin' it to that little trick! You might remember her from our spat about the fish sticks. Well, I wish I could say that the animosity ended with that confrontation, but it surely did not!

I think it all started when she was first placed by the temp agency. I would dump all my filing and other shit on her because she was too new to know better. Also, I would ignore my cell phone, and the men I was seeing would ask to be transferred from the main line, which she had to answer. She bitched to the boss about having to transfer my calls all the time, and that's what set it off!

There were a number of ways that I got back at her. Once I smeared anti-bacterial gel all around her desk near the mouse where she rests her arm. Another time I brewed coffee from used grounds because I knew that she was the only one who drank coffee in the afternoon. And one time I ate her Asian sesame chicken wrap out of the fridge 'cause I was stoned and needed a snack.

She figured out that I was the source of all that crap, and her retaliation was ruthless. One day, when I was out of the office, she falsely reported a problem with my computer to the new IT guy who happens to be dealing with a bout of ringworm. He had to call the IT help desk while testing the computer, and ended up tainting my phone's headset with his ringworm, which later infected my face. That's when I realized that this particular nemesis was craftier than I was giving her credit for!

From there the tension really started to escalate. I left a chunk of catfish take-out leftovers in her car on a hot day. Then she complained to the boss about how I yell on the phone at Kevin so loud that she can't hear to answer the main phone line when customers call. So then I started clipping my toe nails on her seat cushion after hours so they stick in her bare thighs when she sits down (because she wears those skanky short skirts!). Also, I left one of these plastic crunk cups on her desk for her to find whe she came in one day:



I don't know who's wronging who at this point. But she knows that thanks to Activia, I'm regular to the point that you can set your watch to my 10:45 bowel movement. So I'm certain that she was the one who stopped up the handicapped toilet this morning before I got in there, to get back at me for cutting her off at the red light! I'm not totally sure, but I'm pretty damn sure!

Support our troops!

Now I'm gonna give you all a lesson you surely need. A lesson in supporting our troops! Follow my foolproof plan, and you too can call yourself a "patriotic American"!

Step 1 - Show off your support

You really need to slap a few more of those yellow ribbon magnets on your truck or SUV. You're also gonna want to put a yellow ribbon around a tree in your yard. And a true patriot knows how to get they flag on: magnets, t-shirts, and all that. In the South you may substitute with a rebel flag.



Step 2 - Let 'em know

Nothing impresses our young soldiers more than when you stop them in an airport, or interrupt them while they're eating to tell them how much you appreciate them. Perhaps you could get on a loudspeaker or something and get everyone around to start clapping.



Step 3 - Care packages

Our finest young men and women are currently serving in some of the shittiest war conditions of all time. They're sure to get lonely in that drugless, pussyless land of Muslims and sand. Relieve the suffering by sending them a care package of comforting items, such as smokes, liquor, pills, and all the used pornography you can collect from your local community. They'd also appreciate lots of those DVDs that are sold for $3.99 in the Kmart bargain bin.



Step 4 - Punch a hippie in the face

America's troops don't always get the rest they need. They'd sleep a hell of a lot better if they were safe in the knowledge that somewhere, somehow, a hippie was getting sucker punched in the face. They'll have extra sweet dreams if you also take the time to kick that hippie in the stomach until there's blood in his stool.



Step 5 - Keep things cool on the home front

The families of soldiers are their support system, which means that their needs are important too. So do your part by keeping a soldier's husband or wife warm at night. Send them pictures from home of you showing their spouse a good time. Maybe send them a fun picture of you with their kid sitting on your shoulders. It will be a relief for them to know that someone is taking care of things while they're away.



These steps are, admittedly, the very least you could do!

Feel free to comment with your own ideas for helping America's bravest.

Tattoos can be sexy!

I'm all about the sex appeal. From my brown lip-liner down to my Uggs, you know that when I go out, I'm lookin' hot! And nothing completes the look like the right tattoos. They help me express myself in ways that a graphic t-shirt never could!

My first tattoo was a 16th birthday present from my mom. That and a fake I.D. were the only gifts I got that year. I went with good old "Taz", because it really spoke to me at the time. I'm think about getting it retouched, and maybe updating it with a fireman uniform, and a "#20" in honor of my man Tony Stewart!



When I turned 22 I decided to get another one done. This time I went for the classic "sun" tattoo, 'cause I was at the beach. I felt like going hardcore, so I had this one put right in my armpit! Goddamn that hurt! I remember my friends asking me if I was afraid of getting hepatitis from that cheap tattoo parlor. I said, "hell no! I already got hepatitis!".



With Kevin gone and this new phase of life getting under way, I realized that I'm finally ready to express my current attitude. I love those little "Bratz" dolls that my daughter's friends are always bringing over the house, so I decided to base it on that. Now that it's done, I'm happy to say that she's just like me: A little bit of an angel, a little bit of a devil, and a whole lotta crazy bitch!



There's another tattoo I had done of a cute little skunk, but I can't show you that one! Let's just say that they put it right where the sun don't shine! He's a li'l stinker!

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I got an iBook for $50!

Did I ever tell y'all how I got an iBook for just $50? It was one crazy day! Come to think about it, that was just three years ago this month!

These iBooks came from the Henrico County School District, which loans all their students notebook computers to use during the school year. They had recently decided to upgrade with new Dells, and needed to get rid of their existing iBooks. At first they sold off a bunch of their used iBooks to the students, and then planned to sell the last thousand off to Henrico residents.



This sale was promoted, then postponed, then moved from the West End to the East End at the Richmond International Raceway. That's a pretty scummy part of town, so I knew the competition would be fierce! I borrowed a voter ID card from a friend at work so I could pretend that I lived in Henrico in case anyone asked.

I had my husband at the time, Kevin, drive me down there to drop me off. There were lots of people in line, so I started to doubt my chances of getting my iBook. The way they had it set up, you had to be let through the gate, then it was a wide open free-for-all until you made it to the building where they actually sold the iBooks.

Kevin dropped me off across the street from the main gate at about 6:40 a.m., and I sat there rather than finding my way to the back of the line. There were only 5 or 6 cops available to control a crowd of several hundred, who were all waiting patiently in line at the gate, so I knew I had a good chance of skipping the line.

As the gates opened I ran across the street, braced myself, and dove into the crowd as they attempted to file in. I used my elbows as a battering ram, and jammed my way into the mass of people with all my might! I had pretty good leverage and momentum, which sent about 50 people to the ground in a stunning domino effect!



Due to bad planning, this calamity sent one old lady to the ground on the right, then an old man went down to my left, and one fool almost crushed her own child before her man rescued it from the stroller. I still wonder what kind of a moron brings elderly folks and babies to a riot!? People around me started hitting each other with folding chairs, and I noticed one dude was even smart enough to bring a helmet!



After shoving my way through that plug of humanity, (and stepping on what I think was a thigh) it was just a matter of running speed. I was sure glad I hadn't waited in line all morning like the rest of those idiots! Besides the nasty heat and humidity, people were fatigued from waiting since 1 a.m. Later on I learned that one bitch even pissed her pants just to keep her spot in line! And after the initial jam at the gate there was a girl hopping around the hot pavement on one flip flop, asking people if they had seen the other one. Craziness!

After the 100 yard dash the more motivated of us got up to the actual building where they were selling the iBooks, and the whole crowd had to bottleneck again. I used a combination of rib jabs and titty punches to force my way up to the door. I was able to keep folks from shoving me from behind by kicking my heels backwards into shins, crotches, and what-have-you. Before I knew it I was up in there!



Once inside, things were relatively organized and quick. With the outside crowd held at bay, the workers allowed me to test and purchase a laptop at my leisure. It was so quick and easy that I even made it to work on time that morning! Thanks Henrico County!

Of course, everyone was self-conscious for our local image as news of the stampede was broadcast 'round the world. Everyone shook their head and cast their judgement on Richmond. Luckily for us, Hurricane Katrina showed up, the rioting began in New Orleans, and suddenly we weren't lookin' so bad!





8-16-05...Nevar forget!

I love a county fair!

I know, I've got that weathered look so common to county fair trash. So it will come as no surprise to you that the kids and I had a blast at this years Powhatan County Fair! The food, the animals, the games, the smells! Nothing beats it!

They all start out the same way. Drinking homemade tomato wine in the parking lot. Giving the kids $3 each to run wild with. Doing a couple lines of crank. Buying tickets. Ignoring the stupid religious groups that always have "free water" and "cool down" booths by the entrance. But from there, you never know what to expect!

The kids wanted to start out with the animal exhibits, which is okay with me. They really had all variety of blue ribbons at this one. Everything from "most miserable pony" to "brokenest-leg chicken" to "rottenest sheep's ass wool". There was even a canine category for "plumpest heart worms"!

Then it was on to some entertainment. They were able to get local favorite Johnny Ray's Weak-Ass Rockin' Blues Experiment. They had me dancing my fool head off! After that they cleared off the stage for some fun competition. My cousin Richie went up there as a joke, but ended up winning in a game of dares by French kissing a sick old horse!

I found the kids over by the Midway, where they had already spent the money I had given them. I decided to win them a prize. We looked at the various options, and chose the game that had the best prizes: day-glo fanny packs! They make you earn 'em, too!

Basically you have to use a tennis ball to hit a baby, who they've dressed up as clown. I tell you what, that baby could move! After my third set of balls I almost gave up! But on my last try I wound up, anticipated his movement, and nailed him right in the face! I don't know what kind of a mother would put their baby in a game like that, but damn, it was fun!

We built up a good-sized hunger, and the heat was really bearing down. Time for some wacky county fair foods, followed by some dangerously fun rides! I bought each of the kids a possum fritter, and a handful of that feed corn they sell by the goat enclosures. I treated myself to an old favorite, the deep fried hog jowl on a stick! It was the biggest one I've ever eaten!

Just for fun, we stopped to get our pictures taken with the 2008 Pickled Egg Queen! The kids loved her! I thought she was an ugly bitch, but this is Powhatan, so I guess they gotta take what they can get. She was wearing some kind of modified thrift store prom dress, and her shoes were clearly homemade.

Finally we headed over to the rides. Like most fairs, these rides were expensive! I told the kids to pick just one ride each, and if they were good then maybe I'd let them ride home in the trunk of the car! They all chose the Ferris wheel, which was good news to me, because those other rides are rough, and I didn't think we could take another barf-rageous episode like our flight home from Florida. After along wait on the line we were given our seats. We got to highest point of the wheel when the kids decided to dump their cups of warm fruit punch all over the folks below. It was embarrassing, but hilarious!

We finished off our day with a visit to the lame ass room full of typical county fair crap. Best pie, canned chunks of God-knows-what, longest peanut, boringest quilt, you name it. It's just a nice way to help everyone wind down and cool off after all the excitement. The kids and I shared a hot can of Coors on the way home and talked about all the fun we had. We all agreed that this had been the best county fair ever!

Let kids just be kids!

I feel so bad for children these days! They're under so much pressure, with all the adult rules and structure we place upon them. That's why I try to let my kids just be kids! They should have fun while they're young, and they'll end up being stronger for it!

Kids learn by trying new things. They need to drift out to the deep end of the pool to learn that they can't swim. They need to split their heads open to learn that bikes are dangerous. They need to be seriously electrocuted every now and then to understand the dangers of a unprotected outlet.

I guess it's not the basic protection that bothers me so much. It's the overprotection! These parents put their kids in helmets and pads. They dress their kids in snowsuits, even when there isn't any snow on the ground. These little brats are growing up to be sissies!

Another problem I've noticed lately is with the anti-bacterial soaps and gels. Kids build their immunities by being exposed to germs, not by being shielded from them! I'm not saying you should serve their dinner out of a dead cat's ass. I'm just saying...they're not surgeons! So let them be kids! The grubbier they are, they healthier they'll become!

The very worst parents out there are the ones who get into other parents' biz-nass! I've actually gotten a couple calls from other girls' parents about my daughters Myspace page. Apparently they found her pictures offensive. I told them that if my teenage daughter wants to show her ass on myspace, that's her thing! She's young and just trying to have fun! It's not like she's some kind of whore!

Anyway, just think about this the next time you see someone wiping off a kids mouth, making a kid attend school, or forcing them to tie their shoes. Kids should have fun and be young! They should kiss and punch and bleed their way to maturity the old fashioned way!

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The authentic Chinese food experience!

Phil took me out to a fancy Chinese food restaurant last night. I don't want to name the place because I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate being overrun by gweilos, but what I can tell you is that the food was fantastic!

They have one menu for the American clientele, and another somewhat secret and more authentic menu which they only offer to their Asian customers, and to those who are "in the know". Phil asked to see a copy of the authentic menu. I was wary at first, but I must say that the experience has really opened my eyes to foreign cuisine!

Since this meal was all about trying new things, we decided to order a variety of items to share. We started out with semi-boneless vegetarian egg rolls, along with a small bowl of their homemade lambskin condom soup. Both were tasty and unusual, but I'm not sure if I'd order them again.



For our next course we decided on some truly exotic dishes. Phil went for the dandruff teriyaki, and an appetizer-sized order of the thrift store underwear dumplings. I decided on the prawns & zygote delight, which is served on a bed of restroom scrapings lo mein. The dumplings were plump and juicy. The dish I chose was decent, but a little hard to describe. I really couldn't tell the prawns from the zygotes.



The waiter recognized that we were clients of distinction. He talked us into trying one of the house specialties, the hot & spicy tripe wrapped cow eyes. It was served in a decadent pool of oyster sauce. I must say, the texture of this dish was like nothing I've ever eaten!



Temporarily satisfied, we took a break to talk, and to try one of their Bacardi 151 based fruit cocktails. I just ordered by pointing at the picture on the menu. I think they said it was called a "Say Bok Gwai". We also shared a flaming volcano, which we ordered "dirty". That bartender sure wasn't stingy with the clam juice! Yum!



Well before long we were hungry again, so we decided to pick at a couple more dishes. Phil said that the experience would be incomplete without trying such traditional fare as the fried Thai-boy feet with baby corn, or the electrocuted squirrel with garlic sauce. We requested both, along with a few of their sumptuous crispy duck heads. These three dishes were my favorites of the night!



To wrap this up, I'll simply say that cheap Americanized Chinese food is good,(even though they always ruin perfectly good fried rice with those nasty frozen peas and diced carrots). But authentic Chinese food is truly a feast for the senses! So the next time you crave Chinese, go ahead and treat yourself, try something new, and ask for the "real" menu. You'll be glad you did!

Money saving tips for single moms!

As a single mom, I need to set a pretty sizable chunk of my budget aside to keep my hair, nails, and clothes nice. I also need a good amount of cash for the clubs, and for cigarettes (men love a woman who smokes!). With three kids to dress and feed, this is no easy feat! So you know I got to pinch pennies whenever I can. I'm sure that I'm not alone in this, so I'm sharing my money saving secrets with you!

I've got a decent job, so I'm already in pretty good shape. I'm also taking in some significant child support checks (good thing he didn't ask for a paternity test!). But did you know that I file for welfare and food stamp assistance under my maiden name? That welfare check is like extra money! I can cash those suckers right at the grocery store service desk, and immediately purchase a carton of smokes, a three pound bag of steamed and spiced shrimp, and a six pack of Corona. The rest gets invested in scratch-off lottery tickets.

Babies today have some very expensive needs. But it's a hell of a lot worse when you pay retail for all those supplies! That's why I buy my baby formula from young thugs in the 'hood! Thieves steal cans of formula from the grocery store, and they sell those cans to other folks out on the street at significantly lower prices! Bad neighborhoods are also a great place to salvage an old dresser drawer, which you can fashion into a makeshift crib! And while I'm down there I usually go ahead and pick up a dime bag!

You can definitely save money when you eat breakfast at home, but sometimes we need something on the go! If it's morning, try sneaking in on a continental breakfast. I personally recommend the Hampton Inn. They've got all the good stuff, plus complimentary bottled waters and cookies sitting out all over the place! Just drag an empty suitcase around behind you and nobody will be the wiser!

If you feel like something quick, just pop into a small bakery and ask for your special order. While the clerk is in the back looking for the package that isn't there, you can sneak around the counter and break off a few muffin tops. Bring your own mug and you might have time to pump some "free" coffee in it on your way out the door!

I usually order in for lunch, or bring my own, because I usually have to work through. But I've definitely got the dinner solution! I send my kids to the rear kitchen door of restaurants. Most of the chefs can't resist their pathetic begging faces. Just be sure to watch over your kids from afar so you can get them out of there before social services shows up!

Sometimes you just need some quick cash, but ATM fees can really add up. Don't worry! There are a number of ways to get some easy green! You can always pick up a receipt in a parking lot, go inside, take the related item off the shelf, and bring it to the service desk as a return. This one is a bit risky. You might want to call that location's phone number and ask to be transferred to "security". If somebody picks up then you'll know for sure that someone is manning the cameras.

Another fun way to generate cash is to buy things with your food stamp card, then return those items later for cash. Just remember to accidentally tear off the part of the receipt that identifies which form of payment you used. This tip is especially handy at places that offer "double your money back" guarantees on pricey things like birthday cakes and deli meats. Mo' money, mo' money!

Holidays can be a real drag for parents. Toys are stupidly expensive, and it's just a hassle to have to shop for three kids. That's where Toys for Tots, and similar programs come in! Often times they even deliver to your home! Same goes for food banks, which have gladly delivered me full Thanksgiving meals with all the fixins! The only downside is that you have to cook it!

Now here's some relief from those damn gas prices! Stealing gas is fine, but it can be time consuming to steal license plates and have to swap them on and off of your car every time you need a fill up. I take a different approach. I just park my car in a grocery store parking lot, pop the hood, and start walking around asking everyone for a little money for gas. People are very sympathetic to a young mom, especially when I've got the kids strapped into their car seats on a hot day! Ten bucks here, five bucks there, and I've got enough to fill my tank in under a half-hours time!

If any of y'all have some tips of our own to share, please comment! We've got to stick together so we can take care of our families, and get the most out of life!

Knitting hotties!

I just joined one of those ironic craft groups, The Knotty Hotties! Apparently knitting isn't just for grannies anymore! Our "Hotties" group is only for sexy single young ladies! We knit while talking about our men, and about other private stuff! On my very first group meeting the girls helped me choose some affordable starter materials, and they helped me diagnose my irregular discharge problem!

This is our group leader (and my new knitting guru) Gretchen North!



She's taught me a lot about knitting already, and she's full of creative sex tips! Phil really enjoyed this one new position she taught me called "The Supergoat"!

Not only is this a relaxing, enjoyable hobby, but the financial savings are through the roof! For example, I can knit my kids some cheap wool underwear rather than spending money at the Goodwill! Of course, why should I waste money on yarn when I can make my own? Everyone on my Christmas list is getting a two-foot long scarf made of spun cat dander!

Right now I'm working on a simple little purse to keep my smokes in. I think my next project is gonna be one of these raunchy thongs! But I'm gonna make mine with rebel flag colors! I might even make it a fancy crotchless one!



If that works out I'm gonna knit Phil a red velveteen bulge cozy.

One of those days!

Yesterday I got in a fight with the cashier at the Hardee's drive-thru because they're too goddamn slow! It takes longer than going inside, which really defeats the purpose. I lied and said, "I'll never come here again!". The lady replied, "Good! Have a shitty day!" and slammed the little window shut in my face. That's when I realized that I already was having a shitty day. I don't know if it's karma, or what, but fate just loves to bite me in the ass!

The morning started out innocently enough. I turned off the alarm, started the coffee pot, and headed to the bathroom. But when I reached for some toilet paper I found just one square, glued firmly to the cardboard tube. So I hopped over to the closet with my pajama pants around my ankles, grabbed the last roll we had in the house, hopped back, lost my grip, and dropped it right into the toilet. Then I had to hop all the way to the kitchen and wipe with those really rough brown paper towels that I steal from work.

I decided that I'd start the day with a good breakfast. Now I know it's a bit of a cliché, but one of my bastard kids really did eat the last of the Cracklin' Oat Bran! I was madder than one of those fat couples who lost their ceiling fan on Trading Spaces! Now I had to hurry so I could squeeze in a Hardee's visit on the way to work.

I whipped on some clothes and headed out the door. I got into the Mercury, but of course it wouldn't start. No problem, that's why I have the van as a backup. So I got in the van and god-damn! It stunk like a sick old possum had been beaten to death with a banjo. I looked behind the seat and saw that we had forgotten a doggy bag of Chinese food in there from two nights ago. I had to smoke the whole time I was driving just to put up with the lingering stench!

For my drive into work I decided to take the Powhite. It can be a pain sometimes because you have to wait in a line of cars just to be ripped off by those toll plazas. I threw my coins into the basket, and the machine rejected them like a scorned woman. I reached down into the coin return and received my coins, along with a small, gooey wad of hair, and a folded up band-aid. Ugh!

On the way to the Hardee's I was hitting every red light possible. Sometimes I'd swear that certain traffic lights are timed badly by engineers just to piss me off! And whenever I drive down single lane roads I always get stuck behind a slow ass 18-wheeler, or piece of shit PT Cruiser. Like clockwork, the PT Cruiser always pulls into the Hardee's before me so I have one more car to wait behind at the drive through.

From there it went like it always does at that place. Wait 10 minutes to get up to the speaker to place an order. Wait 10 more minutes while the construction company vehicle at the window receives and triple checks their 50 person order. Wait while the bitch in the PT Cruiser tries to fish her debit card out of her oversized purse. Finally get up to the window and wait 5 more minutes for someone to appear with my food. So yeah, I lost my temper on the first person I saw! So what? She still had no right to talk to me like that, and I'm still going to call the franchise owner and get her ass fired!

Goochland County's most eligible bachelor!

With his permission, I've decided to introduce y'all to my new man, Phil! Some of y'all may already know Phil "Mushy" Plums through his contracting business, or from seeing him around the Colonial Downs OTB on Broad St. Here's a picture of him enjoying a morning cup of my famous homemade cigarette juice:



Phil is the perfect combination of masculinity and sophistication. He may be a Southern man, but he ain't no slack jaw! He's got a quick, gravelly way of talking that damn near melts my stretch pants off! He can sing like Gomer Pyle, and dance to anything, even jug band music! But what really gets me wet n' bothered is that he drives a classic 1986 Monte Carlo!

Of course he collects guns and old beer cans, as any man should. But he also maintains a world class collection of antique ivory butt-plugs, as well as a shed full of domestic animal furs. His home decor is really something special. I would describe it as "Antiques Roadshow" meets "Home Shopping Network" meets "Powhatan Refuse Transfer Station.".

I can tell that this man is ready to get serious. The second time I slept over his house he gave me a brand new Tweety Bird night dress! He starts my van for me in the morning so the A/C gets nice and cold before I get in! He's even been keeping a few cans of my favorite drink, Chelada (Bud Light & Clamato), in his fridge. Sometimes I don't ever want to leave!

Well I'll stop now because if I say any more you bitches will probably try to come take my man from me! Just kiddin'! I'm sure y'all know that I'd kill y'all! I'm gonna give this man the best of my lovin', so nobody better be getting under those overalls but me!

I'm a Mom!

I'm so sick of people questioning my opinions on things! I'm a mom, okay?! I think I know what's best! One day, if you selfish, childless hipsters have some kids of your own, you'll understand!

So whether you jerks like it or not, I'm going to tell it like it is for once! Everyone agrees that our society is screwed up. Well I'm not just going to stand around and bitch about it anymore! I'm gonna tell you all what we need to do about it!

First of all, that summer vacation thing needs to stop. These kids need better, more consistent education, and I need daycare. Let's kill two birds with one stone and extend public school to 10 hours per day, 7 days per week, all year long! Then maybe these "teachers" would have time to teach the kids some real skills, like how to balance a checkbook, practice safe sex, or mop a floor.

Another thing they need to cut down on is the amount of commercials on TV. There are so many commercials nowadays that it loses the kids' attention. Next thing you know, the kids are going outside, getting up to God knows what. It's not safe! The only kids protected from this scourge are the ones whose parents can afford a TIVO!

Now here's one we can all agree on: double stroller accessibility and right-of-way. We need to make sure that all public places have ramps, elevators, and special double stroller pedestrian lanes installed. Also, double stroller operators need to be granted right-of-way in all pedestrian situations.



This is just the beginning of the new legislation I propose. Walmart is already the lifeblood to most of the finer communities in this great land of ours. Well they need to take some responsibility and start 24-hour home delivery to us single moms! Whether it's baby wipes, an inflatable raft, or a 4-pack of Bartles & Jaymes, I need what I need when I need it! I can't be throwin' my kids in those child seats and driving down the road two damn miles every time I need something! I'm pregnant, for God's sake!

Lastly, I'm offering a solution for all that "adult" entertainment out there. Get rid of it! If it's a bad influence on kids, it needs to be gone from our society. We can live without all the violence and the sex, the language, and the scary stuff! We need a world that's safe for kids. So we must strive towards a G-rated Utopia we can all enjoy! If y'all would just vote like the churches tell you to then we wouldn't even have this problem!

Stanks on a plane!

We just got back from our vacation in sunny Florida. We had a great time! I decided we should spend this Summer's vacation in one of our favorite destinations: Jacksonville! I like to choose places that are a lot like Richmond so we don't get too homesick. It's also a real cheap flight to Jacksonville out of Norfolk. I got my new boyfriend, the rugged Mr. Phil Plumbs(of Plumbs's Contracting Services), to drive us to the Norfolk airport for our 6:30 a.m. flight.

I let the kids sleep most of the way to Norfolk so they'd be well rested for the flight. What a mistake that was! Next thing I know they're running amok through security while I'm trying to take out my various piercings and such. My black leather boots lace up to my knees, and of course the jerks made me take those off too.

By the time we got through security the attendants at the gate were actually calling out our name over the loudspeaker. We made it through the gate just before they shut the doors. The plane was massive, and pretty much full up. We shoved our way past the fat-asses in first class, and hustled on towards our seats in row 29.

Everyone on the plane was giving us dirty looks, but I ignored them because I know I can get in a lot of trouble if I raise my voice on an airplane. It's bad enough that it's 90 degrees in this friggin' tube. But I've also got to remain aware that my pregnancy is making me irritable even when I don't know it.

We got to our seats and realized that there wasn't any space left in the overhead compartment. We all had good sized carry-ons, so the flight attendant grabbed our bags from us and carried them off the plane to be checked into the cargo area. I got my three kids buckled into the seats on the left side of the row, and I took the remaining aisle seat on the right hand side.

Twenty minutes later the plane is in the air, and I was heading back towards the bathroom. Being pregnant makes me thirsty all the time, and due to all the Gatorade I'm drinking I end up pissing like a racehorse dozens of times a day. Also, I'm constipated all the damn time. Even the Activia I've been eating can't see to break through. I'm so used to it by now that I just wait and wait for it to happen. I actually nodded off on the toilet!

Approximately 25 minutes later I was awoken by some banging on the bathroom door. I replied that I was okay. I noticed that I had managed to shit while sleeping, which was nice. So I wiped, flushed, and left. There was a nice-sized line to the other bathroom door, which apparently wasn't enough to keep up with the passenger load. More scowls, but once again, I kept my patience in check.

As I came back up the aisle I could tell that somebodies kids were being really loud. Of course, they were mine. I told them sternly to calm down and play more quietly. Both of my youngest were slamming their tray tables up and down, banging on them, and kicking the seats. They started doing it more quietly, and in all honesty I was just happy that they were entertaining themselves.

I flipped through the SkyMall, letting the next forty minutes of the flight go by without a care. The kids were still being a little crazy, but they're kids, and this flight would be over shortly. A voice from a row or two in front the children said, "why doesn't she do something about those kids?", loud enough for me to hear. As a good mom, I was prepared. As you probably know, kids need snacks and things to keep them happy.

I handed each of them a can of tasty potted meat. You should see how well behaved they are when they're cracking the lid off of one of those babies, and digging their index fingers in to scoop out a big mouthful. For those not in the know, this is the snack treat I'm talking about:



I guess not everyone was happy about the smell of room temperature potted meat, because folks started looking around. One old broad was even holding her nose! I looked over to the kids and noticed that my three year old had started smearing potted meat all over the seat and on the window.

My middle one, 7 year old Brandon, thought this was funny, and wanted to get in on it, so he started flicking his off of his finger into the air. Some of it went into a lady's hair, but she didn't even notice. I yanked all the cans away, wiped their hands off with an airplane blanket, and gave them both a look to show them that mommy meant business! Per the captain, we were beginning our descent towards Jacksonville.

They kids were good and quiet for those last ten minutes or so, even during the relatively rough landing. Everyone on the plane was pretty restless as we taxied up to the gate. That was when Brandon vomited like a big dog all over his own legs and shoes. You know how that last five minutes waiting to get off a plane feels more like twenty? Well when someone throws up just before your plane arrives to the gate it makes things a whole helluva lot worse.

To be honest, I had had it. He's lucky I didn't smack him. The attendant realized that he had gotten sick, and just rushed us four past all the half-standing aisle seaters, right off the plane and into the gate corridor. I hurriedly cleaned him off with a bunch of cocktail napkins they gave me on our way out of the plane.

Now I don't know if it was the flight, my nauseousness from pregnancy, the hot air in the corridor, or just the smell of potted meat vomit on my son, but I threw up right then and there myself. I quickly wiped off my mouth and we tried to blend into the crowd heading towards the baggage check.

That nightmare being over, we took a cab from the airport to our usual hotel, the Scottish Inn , on Phillips Highway in Jacksonville. Check it out sometime if you're in Florida.

A REAL Man (is hard to find)!

I'm sick of it, y'all! I'm sick of the saps, the smart pricks, and the pretty boys! Why is it so damn hard to find a real man? I guess I can't ask that question without first telling you what I mean.

The thing that bothers me these days is how all these fancy men out there always want the best. The best foods, the best clothes, and the best cars. I hate that shit!

I want man who drives an '87 for pickup. It has a rusted out bed which is half filled with beer cans. The ash tray is full of butts, and there's a three-legged dog tied up in the passenger seat.

The man I'm talking about buys only the cheapest coffee on the shelf. Drinks the cheapest beer in the cooler. He craves the lowest quality meats available for his dinner, (like a Hardee's Thickburger, or a big dirty Hungryman frozen dinner).

My dream man wears nothing but "No Fear" T-shirts, tighty whities that are no longer white or tight, and generic Walmart sweatpants, the ass of which are in a perpetual state of moistness.

I sure as shit don't want no indoor man! I want a man who works outside! Dead skin should be peeling from his pink shoulders at least 7 months out of the year. He should spend the whole day on a roof, talking to Mexican laborers about big titty blonds. And when he comes home from being barked at all day by his foreman, I want him angry and stinking like a grizzly bear's dingy musk sack!

When it comes to looks, you can forget those fine, ladylike features that you see on the male actors and models of today. I want a butt ugly pig man! For starters, he should have a huge overbite, along with a good-sized underbite. I want his head bald, his neck covered in razor burns, and every other inch of him to be swarthy with thick, matted hair! I want greasy, leathery shoulder blades that stick out to next week! And uneven, gnarly, razor-sharp fingernails that are packed with pork rind crumbs, and reek of WD-40. I promise myself now that I will settle for nothing less than a big old pair of rotten feet that stink worse than day-old boiled chitterlings.

I think y'all are getting the picture! So all you pink polo wearing sissies, with your straight-razor haircuts and your boxer-briefs can save your fresh, minty breath! When my next man comes along, he'll be draggin' his nuckles and luggin' his hunched back right into my heart!

Rudeness at the Chipotle!

First of all, this one ain't about the employees. They my peoples. This is about the customers. Especially the rude ho who was in the line behind me. I'm lucky I'm not in a jail cell right now, 'cause that little skank nearly set me off! I'm so mad I gotta get this out before I can even eat my food!

Once per week on Thursday, one of us in the office has to go out to pick up lunch for everyone. It's my turn, so I decided on Chipotle, since it's nice and quick. I had everyone email their orders into my Blackberry, and I went around and collected up all the money.

I headed up into the Chipotle around 12:10, and luckily there were only three people in line. They moved through pretty quick. I warned the order taker guy that I had a bunch of orders, and he said go ahead.

As I went through the first few I realized how specific they were in their emails about what they wanted. That's a pain because you gotta deal with the tortilla guy, then the girl who adds in the fillings. Also, it took me a while because I had to click on each emailed order one at a time to read it out to them.

Somewhere around the 12th order I heard the girl behind me let out a big sigh. I glared at her and said "I'm sorry!". But that wasn't good enough. She was like, "Y'know, you coulda just faxed that order in!". I said, "I didn't feel like it, bitch, so fall back!". I must have yelled because the chihuahua she had in her tote bag suddenly popped his head out and growled at me.

So I turned my back on her and continued with my last 6 orders. The line was growing, but at least I was almost done. Then we got up to the register and I realized that I hadn't ordered for myself. By now there was a line of about 20 people, but what can I do about it? I gotta eat!

I had the guy at the register get them to make me up a burrito, and he did, but it must have confused him because he rang up some of my stuff wrong. Also, I needed a few orders of salsa and chips. They put everything in boxes for me, and the supervisor came over to help him ring it up. I counted out all the cash, but was short, so I just paid with my credit card.

As I was leaving the register I turned to notice that everyone in the line was staring at me. These punks got they arms crossed and everything! I said, "Smile, assholes! Jesus loves y'all!" and stormed out the door with my boxes. Goddamn, I hate impatient people!

A not-so-fresh feeling!

I want to congratulate my niece Sarah for winning a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records! They even opened up a new category for "most herring expelled from a single human body"! Good going, Sarah! Your mama will never get that smell out of the drapes!



If anyone wants a souvenir of this historic event, come on down to the fruit stand outside my cousins' farmhouse on Rt. 5! The herrings have been smoked to perfection and are now available for purchase!

Three eligible bachelors!

Attention, single ladies! It's time for my cousins to get married, so I'm putting them on the market! This is a golden opportunity for those of you who say that "all the best men are married"! Y'all gotta admit that Buck, Charles Ray, and Richie are three good lookin' fellas!



They're not just a bunch of pretty faces, either! They're very generous and thoughtful! They're quick to buy round of drinks, and they're always volunteering to drive drunk fellas home from the bar! They're known county-wide for giving aid to hitchhiking run-aways and other wayfaring strangers. And they're considerate enough to orientate all the new prisoners at the regional jail where they work as guards.

During the courtship period you can spend time at the beautiful farmhouse they inherited. These three are very handy, so there have been some notable improvements made to the property. You and the suitor of your choice will enjoy romancing one another in the splendor of the new above-ground pool, soundproof shed, and modified basement. The living room was also recently redecorated with help from The Room Store.

I think I've said enough to get any red-blooded woman's juices flowing! So run, (don't walk!) to the comments section and tell me why you think you'd be right for one of these handsome gents. I'll be screening all applicants, because I'm not trying to introduce them to any weirdos!

Man trouble!

Re'quan had the nerve to break up with me last night! He said he was turned off because I suddenly have a visible STD that he didn't know about. I told him that it's not my fault! My goddamn kids were mad at me, so they hid my Valtrex! Those little creeps are gonna pay for that shit!

It's probably for the best. I was starting to get suspicious of him anyway. Either he or his friend took some money from my purse last week while I was taking a shower. He had somehow convinced me to invite one of his boys from the club over for a 3-way. It wasn't as hot as I'd hoped it would be. At one point I think they forgot I was even there.

The problem with men is, you can't trust them. They follow their base insticts without concern for what's right or wrong. They'll lie to your face. They'll manipulate you. They'll lead you on for weeks, and then just cut out and leave you for the next best thing.

You know, when Re'quan took me to the Red Lobster the other day I was thinking that he really cared about me. I didn't even mind when he left after dinner to hang out with his friends. I figured that any man who would buy me thirty shrimps must be ready to get serious. I was riding high on love and cheddar biscuits.

Now look at me. Taking a damn personal day. It's only 9 in the morning, and I'm already into my first glass of Turning Leaf. I'll probably spend the whole day drinking, eating off this Ben & Jerry's tub, and crying into last month's issue of Bride Magazine. I can't wait for my kids to ask me what's wrong so I can tell them that it's all their fault.

I take care of my kids!

Some people have accused me of neglecting my kids, so I just want to set the record straight. I take care of my kids! And I don't spoil them! Each morning they leave the house for summer school with a clean pair of sweatpants, last night's pajama top, velcro shoes, and a tablespoon full of peanut butter in their mouths. That's a hell of a lot more than I got as a kid!

You got to give your kids what they need, but you can't always give them what they want. Last year, when it was time for new shoes for school, I told the kids to get ready to go to the Payless Shoes. My oldest had the nerve to say, "Momma, I'm not gonna wear no Payless sneakers!". I said, "You're gonna be a little shoeless motherfucka then!". Soon enough I had her in a new pair of Pink Payless velcro sneakers. I would get them the lace ones, but I don't have time to teach them all that foolishness.

Just last month I got a call from the school. My middle child had gotten in trouble for bringing one of my Tampons to show & tell. The teacher tried to prepare me for this revelation, as though I'd be shocked. Well who do you think gave it to him? I even gave him the little instruction pamphlet they come with. So what was the problem? She told me something about it being too early for that kind of sex education. Well what do periods have to do with sex?

Now for my youngest, she's only three. She don't do nothing but sit on the couch and drink sodas. She started that habit when she was teething, because she wanted to get the taste of frozen fish stick out of her mouth. Now she's up to a 3-liter a day! She also gets all the television that a child needs. She falls asleep every night with that damn Court TV blastin' in the background.

I even got those ungrateful kids a pet dog! They were so happy that Christmas, and he didn't cost me anything! He was cute too! Unfortunately we couldn't leave him alone for more than five hours without him shitting in the townhouse. So while they were visting their Grandma on Valentine's day, I was driving an hour to dump this dog out in the middle of the country. I really hope he found a nice home. I could tell that the kids were mad about it, so I put this picture in a frame on the wall for them to remember him by. That's what being a parent is all about.