Customer service secrets!

I gave y'all some helpful hints in a previous post about how we, as consumers, can take a stand and demand what's ours. Now I'm going to show all you customer service folks out there how you can take control of most situations, and have fun doing it! I'm an office manager now, but I've held many service level jobs over the course of my career.

I'll start out in the world of call centers. There's few things more awful than having to answer phones in a customer service department. You never know if your next call will be a simple transfer, or twenty minutes of ranting from some raging whore, who is complaining because she's had to call back 15 times to get one simple thing done. And nearly every caller is aggravated because they've been sent through a labyrinth-style phone menu, followed by torturous musical hold.

First of all, you need to figure out what your needs are. In most cases it's call volume, and call times. So it's always in your best interest to keep calls as short as possible. Answer the phone by racing through the greeting, especially the part where you say your name. If they get mad later on in the call and say, "What's your name?!" you can simply reply, "Oh, you didn't catch that, did you bitch?" and hang up right in their face.

If a caller's problem sounds too complicated, offer to transfer them to the "appropriate department". Then just transfer them back to your own department (if the odds are good that you won't get them again), or to any random number that suits your fancy. I used to like to send people to billing, after yelling, "Sir, you need to pay your bill!", even if their account was current. By the time they made their way back to our group I'd have clocked out for lunch!

Now lets turn it over to you sad bastards working in face-to-face customer service. You have definitely got it the worst. You've gotta take it from their ugly faces without showing even a hint of attitude. Smile, kill them with kindness to the point that they feel guilty and end up apologizing. Then, when they're gone, copy down their credit card info and send it in reply to every foreign Email scheme that comes into your spam folder.

I used to work at the bill pay and equipment counter for a cable TV company. Folks would come in there causing a ruckus for one reason or another. The really nasty ones would return their equipment in a huff, yell out their account info, and walk out without a receipt. To reward their rudeness, I'd fail to enter the return in the system, and scratch the serial number off their equipment. I hope they enjoyed the $500 equipment fee on their last bill!

I'd speak to the world of food service, but you folks already know what to do. The important thing is that the customer never find out what disgusting things you did to their food. And when you circle the total for a large party's bill, make sure your pen goes through the included tip amount, so they don't realize that it was included, and end up tipping you on the total amount! Even if you don't have time to exact revenge on a specific client, you always have the satisfaction of knowing that the ice y'all put in every customer's drink is probably teeming with parasites!

Shopping malls are my thang!

One of my favorite things to do in this boring ass town is to hit up a shopping mall. The mall is a safe place to let the kids run loose while I spend some of my extra cash on all the things that make life worthwhile. I like to be comfortable when I shop, so I wear my baggiest stretch pants, an oversized white T-shirt, and a black fannypack over the shirt, around my waist. I crimp my hair, and slip on my chunky black sandals (the ones with the four inch thick sole!).

When we get there the kids run off to fish coins out of the fountain so they can afford some games at the arcade. I usually treat myself to a snack so I'll have plenty of energy to shop. I got myself a big ol' Cinnabon at the Food Court on our last visit to the mall, and wolfed it down in record time! I was chewing the last hunk of it when I noticed some crazy woman standing near the Taco Bell counter, yelling and beating her kid's ass. I laughed so hard that a bunch of Cinnabon mess came shooting out my nose!

I wiped off my mouth with my hands, then wiped off my hands on the back of a stroller that was sticking out near me from the next table over. Phil and I drank a bunch of homemade hard cider the night before, and I had the runs big time. So I sauntered over to the women's bathroom to teach that handicapped accessible stall a little humility. My hands were still pretty messy from my snack, so I'm sure I left those rails in the stall about as sticky as a fly strip.

Shopping and eating aren't the only things to do at the mall. Sometimes it's fun just to pick on mall employees, like how I always yell "How them Dippin' Dots treatin' ya, fatty?!" to the big girl at the Dippin' Dots stand. And when I see small children throwing tantrums I'll sometimes sneak up to them and give them a really hard pinch, then walk away before anybody notices. Some of you might be bothered by that idea, but kids are our future, and it takes a village, if you know what I mean!

Another thing about me is that I try on everything before I buy it. If a cute top doesn't fit me I like to stretch it out with my knee so that it will never fit anyone ever again. And if something is a little pricier than I like I've got a good technique for stealing it. I rip one of those security things off another item and drop it in an old woman's giant purse. Then I walk out the door the same time as her. She'll inevitably stop and look around when the alarm goes off, and I just keep on going.

It was time to head back to the Food Court again for my fifth sample of sesame chicken. That's when I realized something else about myself. Whenever I'm at the mall I always look other women up and down, usually with one nostril raised in disgust. If they return eye contact I say something like, "What you lookin' at, ya gawky bitch?". It's a strange part of my personality, the way I have to show dominance to any other women I encounter. But that's the way I am, and I ain't changing for nobody!

The kids met me at our usual spot, by the candy machines. I don't like them to eat candy in the van, so I make them spit their gum out on the ground by the mall's entrance doors. Then, on the way back to our parking spot we play a game where they check the locks on the other cars to see if any are unlocked. When they find one they call me over so I can grab any valuables that have been left out. I've gotten quite a collection of iPods together from playing this game!

Don't tell me about my kids!

They just had Open House night at my son's school. I wasn't going to go, but my son's teacher sent him home with a special note asking me to attend. I showed up in my curlers and house dress, because I wasn't expecting this to be an interrogation. That horrible bitch was all over my case, talking about "genuine concerns regarding my children's welfare", and all that nonsense! I was able to ease her worries to some satisfaction, but damn! Can't it wait until Parent-Teacher Conference night?

I swear, some people act like I'm some kind of monster! But I'm more of a traditional mom than some of you may think. I write my kids' names on their sandwiches and cut the crusts off their underwear just like the good book says! And even if I fill up on Arby's before I get home, and the kids are asking what's for dinner, I always remind them to go next door to see what grandma got.

My children aren't exactly runnin' wild, y'all! For one thing, they're learning discipline through hard work. Just last week my teenage daughter had to fix the electric stove in the kitchen because she used my last condom. And my three year old was such a terror at the Social Security office yesterday that I'm making her wash the van this weekend. These types of punishments are more effective than spanking, and build character which lasts a lifetime.

When I spend time with my kids, it's quality time! I make sure that they're learning what they need to know to get by in this world. They learn how to make friends with kids whose parents have prescription pads lying around. I teach them how to place confusing orders at McDonald's so they can get their food for free when it comes back wrong. Or how to roll a cigarette out of discarded butts and single-ply toilet paper.

I also tell them things that effectively turn them against their father, regardless of whether those things are true or not. Like, even though he always pays child support on time, I tell them that he doesn't, and that's why I have to cut their hair with a Flowbee. Hell, even if he eventually gains visitation rights though the courts, he'll be sorry when the kids look right in his face and call him a "deadbeat"!

The nastiest hotel in Richmond!

I was drinking down at Stool Pidgeons last night and hooked up with a dude named Rodney. We was hongry, so we headed next door to Buffalo Wild Wings and picked up a massive pack of wings to go. Then I drove us to a hotel over by the Richfood Dairy. Muffin, my rottie, was with us too, because I like to have him when I go downtown so he can protect the car.

We opened the door to our room and were immediately hit in the face with the smell of stale urine and thrice fried beans. I lit up a Black & Mild to mask the odor. There were two queen-sized beds, so we hopped into one of them and ate our wings. Since we still had a clean bed to go to, we just threw the saucy bones under the covers as we ate, and used the top of the bed sheet as a napkin.

Muffin was growling and digging at something under the other bed, which turned out to be a wad of nasty discarded hair extensions. I grabbed it from his mouth, opened the door of the room, and threw it off into the parking lot. That's when I noticed that the chain lock was broken on the door. I wasn't happy about having to rely on just the one cheap little doorknob lock in this sketchy-ass hotel!

Rodney is an electrician, and he handily rewired the wall near the TV so we could watch some porno and have it charged to the neighboring room. I love a man whose good with his hands! He also made sure that the clean bed was set up properly for us. The pillows looked like they had been shoved together and humped by a horse, so he swapped them out for the ones on the chicken wing bed.

We started kissing, and moved onto the bed for some messy, rough sex! It's nice to be able to really go crazy because it's not your bed! Rodney's toolbox also contained a few goodies. We broke out a jar of marmalade and everything! When we were done I wiped my rear end with the comforter and chucked it under a chair.

Sleep was hard to come by because there were people talking outside our door all night long. It sounded like someone leaned on our door at one point, and later someone even had the balls to try our doorknob! Luckily the lock held, and Muffin barked like a maniac to scare them away. We were able to safely huddle together in the stench and misery of that room until dawn.

We decided to get out of there early. We both have jobs to get to anyway. Rather than turn the key back in I decided to sublet the room to some meth addicts who we found creeping around the parking lot. Now I'm itching like crazy, and my back hurts. I'm pretty sure that crappy mattress was one giant scabies nest.

Rainy day fun activities for kids!

Okay parents, call the kids in, and leave the room!

This post is just for the little ones!

Your Auntie Jocelyn knows that sometimes as a kid you'll get stuck at home all day with an inattentive parent, or an ornery relative to babysit you. On a sunny day you can always go play with your friends (I'd certainly rather my kids be out messing up someone else's yard!). But in the event that rain or other conditions keep you indoors, you can still come up with fun ideas to keep yourself occupied. Here are just a few to get you started.

I know how kids love games! To avoid arousing suspicion, start out with some quiet games, like "stick the dirty Band-aid on Mommy's butt right before she leaves for the club" (my kids love that one!). Or you could wait until Grandpa starts napping, and paint him up like a bitch, with some nice blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick. Then wake him up by turning the thermostat up as high as it will go!

There are some activities that are mandatory whenever you're left unsupervised. For example, you've got to go through every drawer in your parent's room. Also, you're required as a kid to devour everything in the house that even slightly resembles chocolate. This is also your chance to go through the kitchen cupboards and throw out stuff that you don't like. Then head to the living room, and hide the remote control where nobody will ever find it again!

Being alone is also your perfect chance to get at everybody else's stuff! Use a magic marker to draw silly mustaches on all of your older sister's music posters. Take Dad's new stereo apart to see how it works. Shave race car numbers into your older brother's suede jacket. And eat the entire stick of that old fruit-scented lip balm you found in the junk drawer.

Even if you're not home alone, you've still got the bathroom, which is a classic stage for youthful shenanigans! You could take a piss in the sink, for curiosity's sake. Flush various objects down the toilet as a scientific experiment. Cover the toilet seat in a greasy lotion. Or simply pinch up a few bunches of hair from the floor and shove them into the bristles of Daddy's toothbrush!

Now that you've covered your bases, it's time for some good old fashioned imagination games. You can go old school, and play dress up with some of those crusty old clothes from the attic. Or you can cut your own hair with safety scissors. Create a modern art masterpiece by processing a good-sized live bird in the blender, then pouring it out onto a rug. Or pretend you're a teacher, and train your dog to hate a specific ethnic group.

If you're still bored, then maybe it's time to go a little wild! Eat some leaves off one of the plants in the house. Leave stray Lego pieces all over the carpet for people to step on in their stocking feet. Huff all the freon out of the air conditioner, and run around the house banging your forehead into sharp corners. Ride down the stairs on an old mattress. Play "doctor" with a cute cousin. Or just lock yourself in the dark basement and try to escape!

Moms and dads, you can come back out now! I don't think you'll be hearing any more complaints about boredom from these little rascals! Oh, please, don't thank me. We parents have to stick together!

Down South frumpin'!

Tomorrow I'll officially be 5 months pregnant! That means it's time to get my frump on in a big way! You can get away with so much more when you've got that motherly glow, and I'll be taking full advantage. I've got enough problems right now without having to worry about finding hot fashionable clothing that'll fit me for a week or two, then doing it all again. I'm no longer interested in impressing those slags at work anyway.

It seems like just yesterday that I met that drunk fool at Cary Street Cafe. It was April 20th, so I knocked off work early and headed in there to see if anyone had any weed. I left with the one guy who had some (I was determined to smoke at 4:20 on 4/20!). We toked it up in his van, and it was some good shit! It must have been, because that's the only way I could ever be seduced by such a nasty bastard!

So that was the magic night, and now I'm paying the price! Besides the sweating and constant pressure on my pelvis, I'm just tired as hell. The doctor told me to cut out the coffee, so I've been limiting myself to just two venti Frappuccinos per day. It's damn near killing me! Y'all know I need my Frapps! I can't stand that doctor either. Every time I walk out of his office the crotch of my panties are literally sopping with medical lube!

Aside from the caffeine consideration, I'm really just letting myself go to tha fullest until all this unpleasantness is over. I'm smoking about a carton of Montclair menthol 100s per week, and eating my weight in generic cold cuts. I've been spending so much time laying up on the couch that my living room is starting to smell like a nasty wheelchair cushion. I'm also wearing the same old stained maternity sweatpants for days at a time. With a few more spills they might just pass for camouflage!

Gettin' money over here!

If you're like me then you're all about gettin' paid! I'll try anything as long as it helps me bring in more of that chedda! And now that I've finished selling off all of my ex-husband's stuff I've been forced to be a bit more creative. I swear, the kids today think a parent's life is so easy, but it ain't! It's hard out here for a mom!

A few months back I had some bills to pay and ended up taking a part-time job at a nursing home. It had it's benefits, like free pills and a rehabilitation hot tub on site. And sure, those old folks are easy to steal from, because nobody believes their senile accusations. What wasn't easy was the actual work...like having to wipe off the insides of their legs!

I decided to get my kids to assist me in making ends meet. It's probably time for them to start earning their keep anyway, and they really love to feel included! I've got them running all over the neighborhood, swiping stuff from people's garages. Used sports equipment can bring in a pretty penny...and used tools bring in an even prettier one!

Sometimes when I need some extra scratch we'll do a little prowling around the mall. My two youngest kids are small, and particularly good at grabbing an unattended bag or two and slipping into a clothes rack to hide. Most times the bag will have the receipt in it, making returns a breeze. If not, I can still make use of that store credit!

When I head out of town to drink at one of the county bars, I often attract the burly, gun owning type. So when I'm done rockin' their world I simply wait until they fall asleep. Then I sneak downstairs and grab a spare handgun or two from their collections. 9 times out of 10 they keep the key right on top of the gun cabinet! There's a group of nice young men at the end of my block who will gladly pay up to $75 for a quality piece! Or accept it in trade for some really good weed!

I'm always looking for opportunities, so drop me a line if you have any fresh ideas. The best things to grab are items that nobody will miss. Maybe we could put our heads together and pull off a big job, like making off with that crummy Arthur Ashe monument and selling it for scrap metal!

Richmond on the rocks!

Phil and I decided to take a romantic visit to Belle Isle this weekend. It's nice to get outside sometimes and enjoy the fresh air. I would have brought the kids, but they always run wild at outdoor attractions. We did bring our rottie (who I recently named "Muffin"), because the poor thing had been cooped up in the laundry room ever since he ate our neighbor's kitten. People keep telling me to put him to sleep, so I'm hiding him until I figure out what I want to do.

We started out by just sitting off from the crowd, on the rocks next to the beautiful James river. We kept ourselves busy by knocking back a 12-pack of Yuengling. I don't normally drink that brand, but damn, them boys is tasty! I like to throw the empty cans in the water and watch as they float downstream like little boats. We washed them down with some of those awesome Hostess apple pies. The wrappers for those don't float as well unless you crinkle them up into a ball.

Suddenly I realized that Muffin had wandered off. He had himself a little swim, and he was coming out of the water when I found him, smiling like a fool. He wandered over to a couple of guys and started shaking water all over them. That water had activated his crazy stink, and now that was all over these poor fellas. I was about to apologize when they started whining about it. Y'all know I can't stand sissies!

I rushed over and grabbed Muffin's collar to take control, but the devil in me took over! I started jerking the collar around menacingly while yelling "sick 'em!" over and over. That expression always gets Muffin going! He was barking and growling, and they were freaking out! They actually picked up their towel and shoes and walked off while scowling at me! What a couple of pussies!

If any of y'all left the house this weekend then you must have noticed that it was hot enough to breed sheep out there! I was needing to cool down bad, so I decided to get in the water. I don't actually want to swim in that stank mess, but it's nice to dip my feet. I took off my sneaks and dipped both feet in. Ahh, cool refreshment! But now I'm starting to regret the decision because the open ankle blisters that I always get from my work shoes look like they're on the verge of infection!

You can find me in the club!

So last night I dumped the kids off at Mom's place and headed out for a night on the town. I'm a dedicated mother, but that doesn't mean that I don't like to go out and get my drank on! I've been back to my usual club since my ex-husband Kevin stopped going there. I started enough nasty rumors about him there that he can't get no play!

This place plays the best music in town. After a couple of drinks you can't stop me from shakin' my crazy ass all over that dance floor. I get nasty out there too! If the mood is right you might even catch me clappin' my 'donk all up on some sexy strangers! Things were going pretty good for me, on the dance floor and off. I was getting a good amount of attention, getting offers for drinks, followed by offers for a ride home! But you know I wasn't ready to go yet! I was havin' fun drinking, and the night was still young!

I ran out of smokes, so I ordered a fresh pack from the bartender, along with another shot of liquor. That bastard came back with my cigarettes , but said I was cut off from liquor. He even claimed that I was slurring and swearing a lot, but I disagreed. I grabbed the pack with one hand, swept a few drinks off of the bar with the back of my other hand, and yelled "fuck you then!". One of the drinks was a White Russian, and it got all over this one girl's nice black dress. I apologized briefly, but I'm sorry, she was just an unfortunate victim of this rude bartender!

I made my way to the bathroom, and that's when I realized how high I was. I almost fell forward off the toilet, which caused me to piss all over the seat. When I came out the club's bouncer was standing there ready to escort me out the door. I was feeling dizzy, so I didn't really mind too much. When I started heading to my car this handsome fellow started chatting me up. He complimented my good looks and offered to drive me home. How could I say no?

I pretty much blacked out the rest of the night, so I can't tell you much more about what happened. I woke up in my own bed, and he was gone. I'm fairly certain that we made love. The side of the bed he had been on was soiled with filth, so he must have been unwashed to the point that I suspect he may have been homeless. Another sign that he was a no account fool is that he didn't leave me any money on the dresser. And I'm pretty sure he stole our DVD player

Supermarket smackdown!

Sunday is such a crappy day to shop around here. Ukrop's is closed, so every other supermarket in town is packed to the gills. Just moving around inside these stores can be frustrating when it's that busy. I get it over with as quickly as possible by cranking through there like a crazy woman. I breeze past produce, grab a yummy creme cake from the bakery, and head up to the deli meat counter.

Once I'm up there I tell them to give me a pound of whatever bologna is cheapest, and I check my voicemails on my cell phone while I wait for them to slice. I guess the deli clerk decided on the thickness for me because when he put the pile of meat up on the scale I noticed that it was sliced way too thin! He said I had nodded when he held up the first slice, but I don't think so! I told him he needed to slice it again, way thicker! This ain't no sandwich bologna, friend! This here's fryin' bologna!

Next I swung over to the meat department for a tube of ground beef and some chicken breast. I know that type of beef keeps getting recalled, but it's so damn good! And meat prices are so high that I can't afford not to buy a ton of chicken breast when it's on sale. While I was doing that I sent the kids ahead for other items we needed. My three year old came running back from the dairy and dropped a goddamn gallon jug of milk in front of the meat department's cutting room door!

I quickly shuffled her along with me towards the freezer section before anybody noticed what had happened. On our way towards the registers I caught my other two kids having a "pillow fight" with family -sized bags of Tostitos. I swear, these kids are such a handful sometimes! I sent them to play over by the entrance door so they'd be out of my way while I took care of things at the register. My blood started to boil as soon as I noticed how long those damn lines were! They really needed to open another register!

I got to the end of a pretty long line of people, and started to scope out the situation. Sure enough, there was another cashier carrying a till out from behind the service desk. I wasn't the only one who notice, so I quickly made my move, and thanks to some product displays that were set up by the front end I was able to dominate the space, block all those fools out, and get in her lane before anyone else!

I dumped my stuff on the belt and moved over in front of the cashier. I made her slow down while she was ringing things up because I like to see each price come up on the screen to see if it is the same as how I remembered it on the shelf tags. I also have to watch those sneaky baggers to make sure they give me "paper inside double plastic"! When the cashier was done I reached into my purse for my food assistance card, only to realize that it was in my other purse! She was nice enough to hold the line while I ran out to the car to get my checkbook.

I made it back inside rather quickly, because I always borrow Phil's handicap parking tag to help me with my errands. I grabbed a pen from the cashier and started filling out the check. Some guy behind me with a six pack and a big bag of cereal let out a groan, then grabbed his stuff off of the belt and started moving to another register. As the belt moved again I heard some people at the back of the line complain because there was juice all over the place. Apparently one of my chicken breast packages had gotten punctured!

As I pushed my cart away from the bagging area, I was still seething from that guy who had decided to change registers so rudely. He just had to groan out loud to express his displeasure, and y'all know I don't play that shit! I followed him outside, and put my stuff in the side of our van, as he was putting his beer and stuff in the bed of his truck. Then he started heading over to the CVS. This was my chance!

I started the van and put the kids inside. Then I casually pushed my cart over near his truck. I looked around, saw that no one was really looking, and shoved it towards his truck with all my might! I was running back towards the van when I heard it T-bone the side of his Tacoma with the resounding noise that only a metal shopping cart can make. That piece of shit will think twice next time he decides to give me attitude! I'm almost old enough to be his mother!

Pranks, tricks, and practical jokes!

Everyone loves a good practical joke! As adults, we can still find ways to bring a little fun into our mundane lives. You can always go with an old standard, like running around your neighborhood at night ringing all the doorbells, or dressing stray animals up in retarded looking party hats. But if you're really looking for a laugh, try taking it to another level, and do something they'll never see coming!

A real friend is the best target for a harmless gag! A whoopee cushion is little played out, so try wiping your ass on the back of their bathroom curtain instead (don't worry, the sun will bleach it out)! Then head to the bedroom and slather all their clean pant crotches with egg whites. Maybe find a little time in your week to meet their fiancee for lunch, and say things that gives them doubts about the relationship!

As you've noticed, I'm a tough customer, which means I'm always running into problems at various businesses. If I don't get my way I can sometimes subdue my rage by pouring it into a well planned prank! Like once I managed to sneak some buck lure into the coat room of a fancy restaurant so I could douse everything in raw, musky goodness. I've also been known to plant drugs by the register and report them anonymously to the cops.

Sometimes I like to play tricks on total strangers. You can find a car with an open moon roof and pour a can of potato soup into the driver's seat. Consider prank calling a nice old person, even when you're sure they don't deserve it. Fill a balloon with grenadine and toss it at some bridesmaids. Or maybe you could break into someone's house at night and shoot them in the extremities with their own guns. And nothing says "fun" like loudly mocking homely children at the mall!

Like most parents, my favorite jokes are the ones I play on my kids! Children are so naive that they'll fall for anything, so keep it simple. At night I'll pour them a nice hot bath, but then fart in the water before I let them get in. Or I'll serve them up a country ham for dinner, but tell them that it's a smoker's lung. And when they're especially naughty I'll threaten to flush their dead grandfather's ashes down the toilet! They fall for that one every time!

My first sex toy party!

I decided it was time for me and the girls to get together again for some drinks and laughs. It's been a good while since our ill fated girls' night out! This time I thought of doing something at home instead, like a game night, or maybe a make-up party. I was asking some of the folks at work for ideas, and that ho Shirl suggested that I throw a sex toy party! She explained that it was like a Tupperware or candle sales party, but with vibrators and stuff. I could even get some free items for hosting it!

So I ordered the party kit from a sex toy company, and picked up some refreshments for the guests. I got a nice big box of wine, and some healthy snacks, like Costco pizza, and a package of Li'l Smokies. I also had my mom make some sperm shaped cookies. I even whipped up a giant bowl of pudding that we could use to demonstrate the toys in!

Jenna, Karen, and Bethany all showed up on time, and Shirl showed up late (I invited her to be the official "sexpert' for the event). I also invited my mom, and Jenna's new sister-in-law, Sherita. We started things off with a few glasses of Franzia, and I put on my K-fed CD to get us in the mood to open up. Sometimes the subject of sex can be uncomfortable, so it's nice to get a few drinks in first. Before long we were talking about all the freaky men we've been with, and all the strange places we've given birth!

Once we were all done with the snacks it was time to break out the goodies! They sent us a few samples of everything! Even that awesome lube that uses chemicals to cause a sexy burning sensation! I started things off by picking out a set of Harley Davidson nipple clamps for Phil, and we all had a good laugh. Jenna went for a glow-in-the-dark cock ring for her new husband, which kind of made me sentimental for when Kevin and I first got hitched! Karen bought a Magic Bullet, and immediately put it away in her purse.

We had fun checking everything out and passing them around. Then we got to the most expensive item of all, a hard rubber member they call "The Great American Challenge"! It was so big that the demonstration Shirl put on managed to break a full-sized Hubbard squash right in two! Heather made a joke about how it reminded her of that guy Devon that she met at Mulligan's. That's when we found out that Devon was Shirl's husband! I didn't even know she was married!

So, as you might have guessed, the party was officially over. Sherita got the hell out of there without even saying goodbye. We could barely pull Shirl's clenched fist out of Heather's hair just to split them apart! In the midst of the scuffle our new rottweiler ran into the living room and took off with a brand new $30 double-ender! Now it's all chewed up, so I'll end up having to pay for it!

We sent Shirl home, and I told Heather she could spend the night because she was afraid to go outside. Jenna's husband came and picked her up. Karen left, but ended up calling me 10 minutes later because she had gotten anxious to try that Magic Bullet and ended up driving her Chevy Cavalier into a ditch.

As part of the kit, the sex toy company gave me some weird string of beads and a vibrating butterfly thing as a gift for hosting the event, but the butterfly stopped working after about 2 minutes. This whole "sex toy party" experience left me feeling pretty disappointed.

The trouble with pets!

I'm really starting to regret poking that hole in Re'quan's condom, because now he's gone, and I'm still stuck with this pregnancy. This has been my worst one yet. My back hurts like hell, and the only things I've been able to hold down are raw hot dogs and oysters. Soon the baby will be born, and I'll have a whole new set of problems. But I think kids are still easier to handle than most pets I've encountered. And at least kids allow me to collect welfare, child support, and tax exemptions.

Two months ago I was in the PetSmart trying to find a leash I could use at the mall to keep track of my 3-year-old daughter. I came across a display cage of gerbils and decided that the kids could use a new pet. I guess I should had asked for the microwaveable kind, because before I knew it I was pulling a dead gerbil out of our microwave. They had even stuck him in a Hot Pocket crisping sleeve beforehand! I swear, my children are too precocious for their own good!

You might remember from an earlier post about how I got the kids a dog for Christmas, but we ended up having to get rid of it. Well I had a change of heart about pet dogs when we found a stray Rottweiler out in the woods behind Chesterfield Auto Parts. He seemed to be pretty happy with us, except the other night when it bit the hell out of my son's arm, who was napping on the couch at the time. Phil said I should get rid of the damn thing, but I kind of like knowing that this dog could protect us with violence if necessary! Still, the co-pay on those stitches are gonna run me a good $100!

I've always had bad luck when it comes to pets, even when they don't belong to me! One time when I was driving the van to Rent-A-Center to make a payment, I hit a goddamn cat! It was a nice residential neighborhood, so I knew I wasn't supposed to just leave the thing in the road. It's important to try to advise the owner in these situations. So I carefully wrapped it up in a couple of plastic Food Lion bags and placed it in one of the nearby curbside mailboxes. I figured if the cat didn't belong to that family then they'd probably know which of their neighbors it belonged to and they'd let them know.

In conclusion, my advice is to stick with kids instead of pets. Kids can climb on counters and open cupboards to feed themselves, and let themselves outside to go to the bathroom. Pets are needy, they always want attention, and they're so stupid that they'll just dart out into traffic. Also, you can't occupy a pet by sticking it in front of a television.

This lady knows what I'm talking about.

Fun family dining at Hooters!

Phil took me and the kids to Hooters last night for a special dinner! We love the food there, and the kids always have so much fun. My girls talk about how they want to be Hooters waitresses when they grow up, and my son talks about how he likes tits. It's also fun for me because of the cute way Phil blushes when the Hooters waitresses flirt with him to get a bigger tip. And he always shows me a good time in bed after a Hooters visit!

The waitresses there always seem to be having a real blast! Sometimes they break out the hula hoops, or sing happy birthday for their unkempt male customers. The only other place I've seen people take such pride and joy in there work was that weird taqueria we found in Tijuana where the bar girls would give birth to a gallon of green gelatin on an overhead plexiglass stage for tips and applause.

The one problem with Hooters is that they don't hire any man candy! They staff the "open" kitchen area with men, but they must be trying to curb the amount of romance among their employees, because these guys are the ugliest dudes you'll ever see. The male managers also seem to be hand selected for their undeniable repulsiveness.

Anyhoo, the kids shared a big plate of cheese fries for dinner. I didn't want them to fill up too much because I had an extra long Slim Jim out in the van set aside for dessert. Phil had the snow crab legs, which taste like a mouthful of dirty ocean water. I ordered the wings, but they didn't seem to be hot enough. I sent them back three times, until they were totally cold and there was practically more sauce than wings. They tasted right by then, so I went ahead and made a saucy pig of myself!

The beers at Hooters are the best part. They use frosty glasses, and always have cold Miller Lite on draft! And those professional waitresses they got there are more than happy to keep 'em comin'! A couple 25 oz. "Big Daddy" mugs are all I need to wash down a plate of their spicy wings! I'll admit that once it's all in my stomach I feel pretty bloated, but by then I'm too tipsy to care!

All fine meals must come to an end, so out to the parking lot we went. I guess the beer got to my head worse than I thought, because I turned too tight out of the parking space and caught the front bumper and quarterpanel of a brand new GMC Yukon! They still had the dealer tags and everything! Well you know I can't have no more DUI tickets on my record, so we just got the hell out of there! I guess I won't be driving the van to that Hooters location for a while!

I think she speaks for all of us!

Now here's a true patriot. Another graceful woman for Hillary! I almost cried when I watched this!



I hate to say it, but Hillary really let us women down by losing to Obama! Luckily there are still strong women out here with the class to stand up and shout about it!



I'm just glad that the press is starting to take notice! (new window)

A worthy adversary!

Not that I give a crap, but that ho at work is steppin' on my nuts again, so to speak. It's a shame, too, 'cause Friday started out as anyone would have hoped. It's a "casual day" at our office, so I wore my new gold J-Lo style jogging suit, which looks damn good on my big sweet behind! I amplify the effect by wearing a cute little black mini-backpack!

So I'm driving to work, eating my microwave pancake-wrapped sausage-on-a-stick, and baby, I'm cruisin'! I'm making damn good time. I realize that I'm in the wrong lane, so I cut over in front of some sucker just as the light is changing up ahead. I slam on my breaks out of habit, then speed up to make the yellow light. The car behind me got a red but kept on following. Our parking lot entrance is directly after that light, and sure enough, they follow me in, so I know it's one of my co-workers!

At first I was afraid that I had pissed off the wrong person. The I realized that it was Sarah, our be-otch of a secretary! I thought, "Good!", 'cause I'm all about stickin' it to that little trick! You might remember her from our spat about the fish sticks. Well, I wish I could say that the animosity ended with that confrontation, but it surely did not!

I think it all started when she was first placed by the temp agency. I would dump all my filing and other shit on her because she was too new to know better. Also, I would ignore my cell phone, and the men I was seeing would ask to be transferred from the main line, which she had to answer. She bitched to the boss about having to transfer my calls all the time, and that's what set it off!

There were a number of ways that I got back at her. Once I smeared anti-bacterial gel all around her desk near the mouse where she rests her arm. Another time I brewed coffee from used grounds because I knew that she was the only one who drank coffee in the afternoon. And one time I ate her Asian sesame chicken wrap out of the fridge 'cause I was stoned and needed a snack.

She figured out that I was the source of all that crap, and her retaliation was ruthless. One day, when I was out of the office, she falsely reported a problem with my computer to the new IT guy who happens to be dealing with a bout of ringworm. He had to call the IT help desk while testing the computer, and ended up tainting my phone's headset with his ringworm, which later infected my face. That's when I realized that this particular nemesis was craftier than I was giving her credit for!

From there the tension really started to escalate. I left a chunk of catfish take-out leftovers in her car on a hot day. Then she complained to the boss about how I yell on the phone at Kevin so loud that she can't hear to answer the main phone line when customers call. So then I started clipping my toe nails on her seat cushion after hours so they stick in her bare thighs when she sits down (because she wears those skanky short skirts!). Also, I left one of these plastic crunk cups on her desk for her to find whe she came in one day:



I don't know who's wronging who at this point. But she knows that thanks to Activia, I'm regular to the point that you can set your watch to my 10:45 bowel movement. So I'm certain that she was the one who stopped up the handicapped toilet this morning before I got in there, to get back at me for cutting her off at the red light! I'm not totally sure, but I'm pretty damn sure!

Support our troops!

Now I'm gonna give you all a lesson you surely need. A lesson in supporting our troops! Follow my foolproof plan, and you too can call yourself a "patriotic American"!

Step 1 - Show off your support

You really need to slap a few more of those yellow ribbon magnets on your truck or SUV. You're also gonna want to put a yellow ribbon around a tree in your yard. And a true patriot knows how to get they flag on: magnets, t-shirts, and all that. In the South you may substitute with a rebel flag.



Step 2 - Let 'em know

Nothing impresses our young soldiers more than when you stop them in an airport, or interrupt them while they're eating to tell them how much you appreciate them. Perhaps you could get on a loudspeaker or something and get everyone around to start clapping.



Step 3 - Care packages

Our finest young men and women are currently serving in some of the shittiest war conditions of all time. They're sure to get lonely in that drugless, pussyless land of Muslims and sand. Relieve the suffering by sending them a care package of comforting items, such as smokes, liquor, pills, and all the used pornography you can collect from your local community. They'd also appreciate lots of those DVDs that are sold for $3.99 in the Kmart bargain bin.



Step 4 - Punch a hippie in the face

America's troops don't always get the rest they need. They'd sleep a hell of a lot better if they were safe in the knowledge that somewhere, somehow, a hippie was getting sucker punched in the face. They'll have extra sweet dreams if you also take the time to kick that hippie in the stomach until there's blood in his stool.



Step 5 - Keep things cool on the home front

The families of soldiers are their support system, which means that their needs are important too. So do your part by keeping a soldier's husband or wife warm at night. Send them pictures from home of you showing their spouse a good time. Maybe send them a fun picture of you with their kid sitting on your shoulders. It will be a relief for them to know that someone is taking care of things while they're away.



These steps are, admittedly, the very least you could do!

Feel free to comment with your own ideas for helping America's bravest.

Tattoos can be sexy!

I'm all about the sex appeal. From my brown lip-liner down to my Uggs, you know that when I go out, I'm lookin' hot! And nothing completes the look like the right tattoos. They help me express myself in ways that a graphic t-shirt never could!

My first tattoo was a 16th birthday present from my mom. That and a fake I.D. were the only gifts I got that year. I went with good old "Taz", because it really spoke to me at the time. I'm think about getting it retouched, and maybe updating it with a fireman uniform, and a "#20" in honor of my man Tony Stewart!



When I turned 22 I decided to get another one done. This time I went for the classic "sun" tattoo, 'cause I was at the beach. I felt like going hardcore, so I had this one put right in my armpit! Goddamn that hurt! I remember my friends asking me if I was afraid of getting hepatitis from that cheap tattoo parlor. I said, "hell no! I already got hepatitis!".



With Kevin gone and this new phase of life getting under way, I realized that I'm finally ready to express my current attitude. I love those little "Bratz" dolls that my daughter's friends are always bringing over the house, so I decided to base it on that. Now that it's done, I'm happy to say that she's just like me: A little bit of an angel, a little bit of a devil, and a whole lotta crazy bitch!



There's another tattoo I had done of a cute little skunk, but I can't show you that one! Let's just say that they put it right where the sun don't shine! He's a li'l stinker!

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I got an iBook for $50!

Did I ever tell y'all how I got an iBook for just $50? It was one crazy day! Come to think about it, that was just three years ago this month!

These iBooks came from the Henrico County School District, which loans all their students notebook computers to use during the school year. They had recently decided to upgrade with new Dells, and needed to get rid of their existing iBooks. At first they sold off a bunch of their used iBooks to the students, and then planned to sell the last thousand off to Henrico residents.



This sale was promoted, then postponed, then moved from the West End to the East End at the Richmond International Raceway. That's a pretty scummy part of town, so I knew the competition would be fierce! I borrowed a voter ID card from a friend at work so I could pretend that I lived in Henrico in case anyone asked.

I had my husband at the time, Kevin, drive me down there to drop me off. There were lots of people in line, so I started to doubt my chances of getting my iBook. The way they had it set up, you had to be let through the gate, then it was a wide open free-for-all until you made it to the building where they actually sold the iBooks.

Kevin dropped me off across the street from the main gate at about 6:40 a.m., and I sat there rather than finding my way to the back of the line. There were only 5 or 6 cops available to control a crowd of several hundred, who were all waiting patiently in line at the gate, so I knew I had a good chance of skipping the line.

As the gates opened I ran across the street, braced myself, and dove into the crowd as they attempted to file in. I used my elbows as a battering ram, and jammed my way into the mass of people with all my might! I had pretty good leverage and momentum, which sent about 50 people to the ground in a stunning domino effect!



Due to bad planning, this calamity sent one old lady to the ground on the right, then an old man went down to my left, and one fool almost crushed her own child before her man rescued it from the stroller. I still wonder what kind of a moron brings elderly folks and babies to a riot!? People around me started hitting each other with folding chairs, and I noticed one dude was even smart enough to bring a helmet!



After shoving my way through that plug of humanity, (and stepping on what I think was a thigh) it was just a matter of running speed. I was sure glad I hadn't waited in line all morning like the rest of those idiots! Besides the nasty heat and humidity, people were fatigued from waiting since 1 a.m. Later on I learned that one bitch even pissed her pants just to keep her spot in line! And after the initial jam at the gate there was a girl hopping around the hot pavement on one flip flop, asking people if they had seen the other one. Craziness!

After the 100 yard dash the more motivated of us got up to the actual building where they were selling the iBooks, and the whole crowd had to bottleneck again. I used a combination of rib jabs and titty punches to force my way up to the door. I was able to keep folks from shoving me from behind by kicking my heels backwards into shins, crotches, and what-have-you. Before I knew it I was up in there!



Once inside, things were relatively organized and quick. With the outside crowd held at bay, the workers allowed me to test and purchase a laptop at my leisure. It was so quick and easy that I even made it to work on time that morning! Thanks Henrico County!

Of course, everyone was self-conscious for our local image as news of the stampede was broadcast 'round the world. Everyone shook their head and cast their judgement on Richmond. Luckily for us, Hurricane Katrina showed up, the rioting began in New Orleans, and suddenly we weren't lookin' so bad!





8-16-05...Nevar forget!

I love a county fair!

I know, I've got that weathered look so common to county fair trash. So it will come as no surprise to you that the kids and I had a blast at this years Powhatan County Fair! The food, the animals, the games, the smells! Nothing beats it!

They all start out the same way. Drinking homemade tomato wine in the parking lot. Giving the kids $3 each to run wild with. Doing a couple lines of crank. Buying tickets. Ignoring the stupid religious groups that always have "free water" and "cool down" booths by the entrance. But from there, you never know what to expect!

The kids wanted to start out with the animal exhibits, which is okay with me. They really had all variety of blue ribbons at this one. Everything from "most miserable pony" to "brokenest-leg chicken" to "rottenest sheep's ass wool". There was even a canine category for "plumpest heart worms"!

Then it was on to some entertainment. They were able to get local favorite Johnny Ray's Weak-Ass Rockin' Blues Experiment. They had me dancing my fool head off! After that they cleared off the stage for some fun competition. My cousin Richie went up there as a joke, but ended up winning in a game of dares by French kissing a sick old horse!

I found the kids over by the Midway, where they had already spent the money I had given them. I decided to win them a prize. We looked at the various options, and chose the game that had the best prizes: day-glo fanny packs! They make you earn 'em, too!

Basically you have to use a tennis ball to hit a baby, who they've dressed up as clown. I tell you what, that baby could move! After my third set of balls I almost gave up! But on my last try I wound up, anticipated his movement, and nailed him right in the face! I don't know what kind of a mother would put their baby in a game like that, but damn, it was fun!

We built up a good-sized hunger, and the heat was really bearing down. Time for some wacky county fair foods, followed by some dangerously fun rides! I bought each of the kids a possum fritter, and a handful of that feed corn they sell by the goat enclosures. I treated myself to an old favorite, the deep fried hog jowl on a stick! It was the biggest one I've ever eaten!

Just for fun, we stopped to get our pictures taken with the 2008 Pickled Egg Queen! The kids loved her! I thought she was an ugly bitch, but this is Powhatan, so I guess they gotta take what they can get. She was wearing some kind of modified thrift store prom dress, and her shoes were clearly homemade.

Finally we headed over to the rides. Like most fairs, these rides were expensive! I told the kids to pick just one ride each, and if they were good then maybe I'd let them ride home in the trunk of the car! They all chose the Ferris wheel, which was good news to me, because those other rides are rough, and I didn't think we could take another barf-rageous episode like our flight home from Florida. After along wait on the line we were given our seats. We got to highest point of the wheel when the kids decided to dump their cups of warm fruit punch all over the folks below. It was embarrassing, but hilarious!

We finished off our day with a visit to the lame ass room full of typical county fair crap. Best pie, canned chunks of God-knows-what, longest peanut, boringest quilt, you name it. It's just a nice way to help everyone wind down and cool off after all the excitement. The kids and I shared a hot can of Coors on the way home and talked about all the fun we had. We all agreed that this had been the best county fair ever!

Let kids just be kids!

I feel so bad for children these days! They're under so much pressure, with all the adult rules and structure we place upon them. That's why I try to let my kids just be kids! They should have fun while they're young, and they'll end up being stronger for it!

Kids learn by trying new things. They need to drift out to the deep end of the pool to learn that they can't swim. They need to split their heads open to learn that bikes are dangerous. They need to be seriously electrocuted every now and then to understand the dangers of a unprotected outlet.

I guess it's not the basic protection that bothers me so much. It's the overprotection! These parents put their kids in helmets and pads. They dress their kids in snowsuits, even when there isn't any snow on the ground. These little brats are growing up to be sissies!

Another problem I've noticed lately is with the anti-bacterial soaps and gels. Kids build their immunities by being exposed to germs, not by being shielded from them! I'm not saying you should serve their dinner out of a dead cat's ass. I'm just saying...they're not surgeons! So let them be kids! The grubbier they are, they healthier they'll become!

The very worst parents out there are the ones who get into other parents' biz-nass! I've actually gotten a couple calls from other girls' parents about my daughters Myspace page. Apparently they found her pictures offensive. I told them that if my teenage daughter wants to show her ass on myspace, that's her thing! She's young and just trying to have fun! It's not like she's some kind of whore!

Anyway, just think about this the next time you see someone wiping off a kids mouth, making a kid attend school, or forcing them to tie their shoes. Kids should have fun and be young! They should kiss and punch and bleed their way to maturity the old fashioned way!

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The authentic Chinese food experience!

Phil took me out to a fancy Chinese food restaurant last night. I don't want to name the place because I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate being overrun by gweilos, but what I can tell you is that the food was fantastic!

They have one menu for the American clientele, and another somewhat secret and more authentic menu which they only offer to their Asian customers, and to those who are "in the know". Phil asked to see a copy of the authentic menu. I was wary at first, but I must say that the experience has really opened my eyes to foreign cuisine!

Since this meal was all about trying new things, we decided to order a variety of items to share. We started out with semi-boneless vegetarian egg rolls, along with a small bowl of their homemade lambskin condom soup. Both were tasty and unusual, but I'm not sure if I'd order them again.



For our next course we decided on some truly exotic dishes. Phil went for the dandruff teriyaki, and an appetizer-sized order of the thrift store underwear dumplings. I decided on the prawns & zygote delight, which is served on a bed of restroom scrapings lo mein. The dumplings were plump and juicy. The dish I chose was decent, but a little hard to describe. I really couldn't tell the prawns from the zygotes.



The waiter recognized that we were clients of distinction. He talked us into trying one of the house specialties, the hot & spicy tripe wrapped cow eyes. It was served in a decadent pool of oyster sauce. I must say, the texture of this dish was like nothing I've ever eaten!



Temporarily satisfied, we took a break to talk, and to try one of their Bacardi 151 based fruit cocktails. I just ordered by pointing at the picture on the menu. I think they said it was called a "Say Bok Gwai". We also shared a flaming volcano, which we ordered "dirty". That bartender sure wasn't stingy with the clam juice! Yum!



Well before long we were hungry again, so we decided to pick at a couple more dishes. Phil said that the experience would be incomplete without trying such traditional fare as the fried Thai-boy feet with baby corn, or the electrocuted squirrel with garlic sauce. We requested both, along with a few of their sumptuous crispy duck heads. These three dishes were my favorites of the night!



To wrap this up, I'll simply say that cheap Americanized Chinese food is good,(even though they always ruin perfectly good fried rice with those nasty frozen peas and diced carrots). But authentic Chinese food is truly a feast for the senses! So the next time you crave Chinese, go ahead and treat yourself, try something new, and ask for the "real" menu. You'll be glad you did!

Money saving tips for single moms!

As a single mom, I need to set a pretty sizable chunk of my budget aside to keep my hair, nails, and clothes nice. I also need a good amount of cash for the clubs, and for cigarettes (men love a woman who smokes!). With three kids to dress and feed, this is no easy feat! So you know I got to pinch pennies whenever I can. I'm sure that I'm not alone in this, so I'm sharing my money saving secrets with you!

I've got a decent job, so I'm already in pretty good shape. I'm also taking in some significant child support checks (good thing he didn't ask for a paternity test!). But did you know that I file for welfare and food stamp assistance under my maiden name? That welfare check is like extra money! I can cash those suckers right at the grocery store service desk, and immediately purchase a carton of smokes, a three pound bag of steamed and spiced shrimp, and a six pack of Corona. The rest gets invested in scratch-off lottery tickets.

Babies today have some very expensive needs. But it's a hell of a lot worse when you pay retail for all those supplies! That's why I buy my baby formula from young thugs in the 'hood! Thieves steal cans of formula from the grocery store, and they sell those cans to other folks out on the street at significantly lower prices! Bad neighborhoods are also a great place to salvage an old dresser drawer, which you can fashion into a makeshift crib! And while I'm down there I usually go ahead and pick up a dime bag!

You can definitely save money when you eat breakfast at home, but sometimes we need something on the go! If it's morning, try sneaking in on a continental breakfast. I personally recommend the Hampton Inn. They've got all the good stuff, plus complimentary bottled waters and cookies sitting out all over the place! Just drag an empty suitcase around behind you and nobody will be the wiser!

If you feel like something quick, just pop into a small bakery and ask for your special order. While the clerk is in the back looking for the package that isn't there, you can sneak around the counter and break off a few muffin tops. Bring your own mug and you might have time to pump some "free" coffee in it on your way out the door!

I usually order in for lunch, or bring my own, because I usually have to work through. But I've definitely got the dinner solution! I send my kids to the rear kitchen door of restaurants. Most of the chefs can't resist their pathetic begging faces. Just be sure to watch over your kids from afar so you can get them out of there before social services shows up!

Sometimes you just need some quick cash, but ATM fees can really add up. Don't worry! There are a number of ways to get some easy green! You can always pick up a receipt in a parking lot, go inside, take the related item off the shelf, and bring it to the service desk as a return. This one is a bit risky. You might want to call that location's phone number and ask to be transferred to "security". If somebody picks up then you'll know for sure that someone is manning the cameras.

Another fun way to generate cash is to buy things with your food stamp card, then return those items later for cash. Just remember to accidentally tear off the part of the receipt that identifies which form of payment you used. This tip is especially handy at places that offer "double your money back" guarantees on pricey things like birthday cakes and deli meats. Mo' money, mo' money!

Holidays can be a real drag for parents. Toys are stupidly expensive, and it's just a hassle to have to shop for three kids. That's where Toys for Tots, and similar programs come in! Often times they even deliver to your home! Same goes for food banks, which have gladly delivered me full Thanksgiving meals with all the fixins! The only downside is that you have to cook it!

Now here's some relief from those damn gas prices! Stealing gas is fine, but it can be time consuming to steal license plates and have to swap them on and off of your car every time you need a fill up. I take a different approach. I just park my car in a grocery store parking lot, pop the hood, and start walking around asking everyone for a little money for gas. People are very sympathetic to a young mom, especially when I've got the kids strapped into their car seats on a hot day! Ten bucks here, five bucks there, and I've got enough to fill my tank in under a half-hours time!

If any of y'all have some tips of our own to share, please comment! We've got to stick together so we can take care of our families, and get the most out of life!

Knitting hotties!

I just joined one of those ironic craft groups, The Knotty Hotties! Apparently knitting isn't just for grannies anymore! Our "Hotties" group is only for sexy single young ladies! We knit while talking about our men, and about other private stuff! On my very first group meeting the girls helped me choose some affordable starter materials, and they helped me diagnose my irregular discharge problem!

This is our group leader (and my new knitting guru) Gretchen North!



She's taught me a lot about knitting already, and she's full of creative sex tips! Phil really enjoyed this one new position she taught me called "The Supergoat"!

Not only is this a relaxing, enjoyable hobby, but the financial savings are through the roof! For example, I can knit my kids some cheap wool underwear rather than spending money at the Goodwill! Of course, why should I waste money on yarn when I can make my own? Everyone on my Christmas list is getting a two-foot long scarf made of spun cat dander!

Right now I'm working on a simple little purse to keep my smokes in. I think my next project is gonna be one of these raunchy thongs! But I'm gonna make mine with rebel flag colors! I might even make it a fancy crotchless one!



If that works out I'm gonna knit Phil a red velveteen bulge cozy.

One of those days!

Yesterday I got in a fight with the cashier at the Hardee's drive-thru because they're too goddamn slow! It takes longer than going inside, which really defeats the purpose. I lied and said, "I'll never come here again!". The lady replied, "Good! Have a shitty day!" and slammed the little window shut in my face. That's when I realized that I already was having a shitty day. I don't know if it's karma, or what, but fate just loves to bite me in the ass!

The morning started out innocently enough. I turned off the alarm, started the coffee pot, and headed to the bathroom. But when I reached for some toilet paper I found just one square, glued firmly to the cardboard tube. So I hopped over to the closet with my pajama pants around my ankles, grabbed the last roll we had in the house, hopped back, lost my grip, and dropped it right into the toilet. Then I had to hop all the way to the kitchen and wipe with those really rough brown paper towels that I steal from work.

I decided that I'd start the day with a good breakfast. Now I know it's a bit of a cliché, but one of my bastard kids really did eat the last of the Cracklin' Oat Bran! I was madder than one of those fat couples who lost their ceiling fan on Trading Spaces! Now I had to hurry so I could squeeze in a Hardee's visit on the way to work.

I whipped on some clothes and headed out the door. I got into the Mercury, but of course it wouldn't start. No problem, that's why I have the van as a backup. So I got in the van and god-damn! It stunk like a sick old possum had been beaten to death with a banjo. I looked behind the seat and saw that we had forgotten a doggy bag of Chinese food in there from two nights ago. I had to smoke the whole time I was driving just to put up with the lingering stench!

For my drive into work I decided to take the Powhite. It can be a pain sometimes because you have to wait in a line of cars just to be ripped off by those toll plazas. I threw my coins into the basket, and the machine rejected them like a scorned woman. I reached down into the coin return and received my coins, along with a small, gooey wad of hair, and a folded up band-aid. Ugh!

On the way to the Hardee's I was hitting every red light possible. Sometimes I'd swear that certain traffic lights are timed badly by engineers just to piss me off! And whenever I drive down single lane roads I always get stuck behind a slow ass 18-wheeler, or piece of shit PT Cruiser. Like clockwork, the PT Cruiser always pulls into the Hardee's before me so I have one more car to wait behind at the drive through.

From there it went like it always does at that place. Wait 10 minutes to get up to the speaker to place an order. Wait 10 more minutes while the construction company vehicle at the window receives and triple checks their 50 person order. Wait while the bitch in the PT Cruiser tries to fish her debit card out of her oversized purse. Finally get up to the window and wait 5 more minutes for someone to appear with my food. So yeah, I lost my temper on the first person I saw! So what? She still had no right to talk to me like that, and I'm still going to call the franchise owner and get her ass fired!