The word has come down that the company I work for has been bought out, and my branch will most likely be shut down before too long. It's a bit of a coincidence, as I've been applying all over town for a new job these last couple months, and I happen to be sitting on a fresh offer for a higher paying position at a new company just down the road. Even though this is all working out for me, and I could just change jobs and move on quietly, I still feel like I've got a reason to be angry!
When the director of our branch heard about the buyout she just quit outright. That was before the rest of us even found out about it. So considering that I'm the office manager, and that I'm sitting on this new job offer, I figured I'd follow her lead, walk out, and leave my own mark to show the new owners my displeasure. The new company is sending their H.R. person in next week, and I wanted to make certain that she hears about my actions from my coworkers!
Everyone in the office was so worked up about the buyout that they all went out for lunch together to talk about it. I stayed behind. This was my chance to carry out my carefully planned exit. I figured that the most critical move was to walk out without telling anyone how to do those few important things that only I know how to do. Anything else I might do would be gravy!
So the I dug around in an empty desk and found an old system login password from a girl who I recently fired, and used it to log on to our system and deliberately screw up some of our customers' accounts (the only thing that the new owners really care about). Also, I used her corporate email account to send a vicious "up yours!" message to the company-wide email group.
I grabbed a trash bag from the supply closet and started trashing vital items from all around the office. First the 3-hole punch, then all the files in the "N-R" cabinet of our client folders. I also tossed the last two cans of sugar from the coffee station, and the ink cartridges from out of the printers and Xerox machine.
Then I ran out to the car, stashed the garbage bag, and grabbed my duffel bag of secret weapons, including two rats from my son's pet rat cage. I taped them up inside of a paper towel tube and stuffed the tube into the back of the coat closet. Based on my experience, those rats should have eaten their way out of the tube by the evening. Once freed they will undoubtedly make a nest and breed.
I went back to the break room, where I shoved a couple of bagels into our double toaster and pushed the lever down. When that old toaster is stuffed with bagels the little toast ejector thing is unable to pop up, so it doesn't stop toasting until they're completely burned to shit. Then I made my way over to that bitch Sarah's desk. I opened up the base of her computer mouse and stuffed the insides with a hearty fingerful of wet cat food.
Just before leaving for good I completed one final act of defiance by enjoying my last paid defecation in the building's bathroom. Thanks to last night's drinking I worked up a particularly nasty dump, and deliberately refrained from flushing it down. Then, just before exiting the building, I used my office manager key to enter the janitor's closet, surveyed the plumbing valves, and shut off the water flow to the restrooms. Then I locked the closet door behind me so that nobody would be able to flush anything until the janitor was called in to check it out.
Thursday, November 20
Monday, November 17
It's up to us to save the environment!
It seems like everybody and their bisexual cousin is talking about the environment these days. It has even become a fashionable topic in the worlds of politics, business, and scientific study. Of course a few small-minded folks still think it's okay to sit on ass and wait for greater minds to come up with the solutions. But the rest of us have come to realize that we all need to take positive steps as individuals in order to make a true impact.
Climatologists been warning us since the 1980s about the CFCs that are present in many spray cans. CFCs contribute to greenhouse gases or deteriorating the ozone or something. So when you use things like hair products and spray paint you should try to avoid spraying them directly. Instead you should spray the product into a rag, huff on the rag until the fumes dissipate, and then apply to the intended surface.
Reducing what ends up in landfills is also a major goal of the environmentally conscious. So burn whatever you can rather than throwing it away, especially larger items like mattresses and refrigerators. And never throw out something that you can reuse. I always keep a pile of old batteries and dead lighters in my purse that I can throw at strangers who annoy me, like pedestrians who take an unnecessarily long time to cross the street in front of my car.
You're not supposed to put oils and stuff in a landfill either. So when it's time to change your oil just park the car next to a curb that has a storm drain. Remove the drain plug in your car's oil pan, drain the dirty oil into the storm drain, and replace the drain plug. Pour new oil into your engine and you're good to go! Rather than soaking into the ground, that old oil will flow out into nearby waterways, where it will eventually dilute out of existence, or break down into it's basic elements!
I've been committed to these kinds of important measures, and I've even managed to come up with a few techniques of my own. I've put my mind to cutting down on what we use, with a focus on saving money! I've been lowering the totals on our costly water bill by making the kids bathe together, and forcing them to poop in the back yard. I've also found that a condom can be reused if you simply turn it inside out and wipe it off with a dry paper towel.
Climatologists been warning us since the 1980s about the CFCs that are present in many spray cans. CFCs contribute to greenhouse gases or deteriorating the ozone or something. So when you use things like hair products and spray paint you should try to avoid spraying them directly. Instead you should spray the product into a rag, huff on the rag until the fumes dissipate, and then apply to the intended surface.
Reducing what ends up in landfills is also a major goal of the environmentally conscious. So burn whatever you can rather than throwing it away, especially larger items like mattresses and refrigerators. And never throw out something that you can reuse. I always keep a pile of old batteries and dead lighters in my purse that I can throw at strangers who annoy me, like pedestrians who take an unnecessarily long time to cross the street in front of my car.
You're not supposed to put oils and stuff in a landfill either. So when it's time to change your oil just park the car next to a curb that has a storm drain. Remove the drain plug in your car's oil pan, drain the dirty oil into the storm drain, and replace the drain plug. Pour new oil into your engine and you're good to go! Rather than soaking into the ground, that old oil will flow out into nearby waterways, where it will eventually dilute out of existence, or break down into it's basic elements!
I've been committed to these kinds of important measures, and I've even managed to come up with a few techniques of my own. I've put my mind to cutting down on what we use, with a focus on saving money! I've been lowering the totals on our costly water bill by making the kids bathe together, and forcing them to poop in the back yard. I've also found that a condom can be reused if you simply turn it inside out and wipe it off with a dry paper towel.
Friday, November 14
25 things you shouldn't put in your mouth!
Kids these days are always picking things up and putting them in their mouths. Even the most attentive parents are simply unable to slap every unclean object out their of their children's hands in time. So I've prepared this handy list you can give to your kids so they'll know which items are ineligible for tasting:
1.That filthy ring of keys that Mommy carries around
2.Your bacteria-caked fingernails
3.Stray sock matted into the ground at a 4-way stop
4.Cigarette butts discovered in a rental car ashtray
5.The 3-foot-long tapeworm you just lured out of your ass
6.Orthodontic retainer salvaged from a junkyard
7.Those greenish defective potato chips
8.Broken pager you found on the floor at the movie theater
9.Harmonica clutched in the grubby hand of a dead hobo
10.Mangled condom wrapper that a pigeon was messing with
11.Toe nail clipping that hits you in the face on a city bus
12.Unwrapped Starburst melted onto a car's floor mat
13.Pacifier left behind in the bathroom at a rave
14.Large floppy titty sticking through a hole in the wall
15.Deep fried bird head that turns up in box of chicken nuggets
16.Rented porno cassette slathered in stranger lube
17.Severed goiter from a dumpster full of medical waste
18.Any penny, no matter the circumstances
19.Orange Tic-Tac the cat has been batting around all day
20.One large hoop earring you bought at the thrift store
21.Tommy Lee's loathsome member
22.Half of a peanut stuck to the rim of a public toilet seat
23.Broken crack stem from a Richmond city playground
24.Car wash token retrieved out of a toll booth coin return
25.Crusty, nose blood covered Kleenex from an old coat pocket
1.That filthy ring of keys that Mommy carries around
2.Your bacteria-caked fingernails
3.Stray sock matted into the ground at a 4-way stop
4.Cigarette butts discovered in a rental car ashtray
5.The 3-foot-long tapeworm you just lured out of your ass
6.Orthodontic retainer salvaged from a junkyard
7.Those greenish defective potato chips
8.Broken pager you found on the floor at the movie theater
9.Harmonica clutched in the grubby hand of a dead hobo
10.Mangled condom wrapper that a pigeon was messing with
11.Toe nail clipping that hits you in the face on a city bus
12.Unwrapped Starburst melted onto a car's floor mat
13.Pacifier left behind in the bathroom at a rave
14.Large floppy titty sticking through a hole in the wall
15.Deep fried bird head that turns up in box of chicken nuggets
16.Rented porno cassette slathered in stranger lube
17.Severed goiter from a dumpster full of medical waste
18.Any penny, no matter the circumstances
19.Orange Tic-Tac the cat has been batting around all day
20.One large hoop earring you bought at the thrift store
21.Tommy Lee's loathsome member
22.Half of a peanut stuck to the rim of a public toilet seat
23.Broken crack stem from a Richmond city playground
24.Car wash token retrieved out of a toll booth coin return
25.Crusty, nose blood covered Kleenex from an old coat pocket
Tuesday, November 11
Harassment at the movie theater!
My three year old daughter, little Jailen, has been throwing tantrums all week over this Madagascar sequel that they've been advertising the hell out of. So I loaded her and 8 year old Brandon into the van on Saturday afternoon so we could take in a matinee. I packed the rest of their leftover Halloween candy and a gallon jug of cider into my biggest purse.
The kids were thirsty so I let them have some cider on the drive over. The parking lot was a goddamn zoo, as always, but we managed to find a spot near the back. Of course the ticket line was stretched all the way down the edge of the building! By the time we got up to where we could see the board it was obvious that the showing of Madagascar we wanted was sold out, and the next one wasn't for 45 minutes. I decided to take them to see Role Models instead and hope that Jailen didn't notice.
Role Models is R rated, which is fine. But the previews were rated R as well, and there was this one horror movie preview that scared the hell out of all of us. It had a crab walking dead guy and everything. Jailen started screaming and covering up her face with her jacket. Brandon just covered his eyes and sat there petrified. Once it ended they calmed down for me and manged to recover for the most part.
When the feature started I broke out the snacks. I could barely hear the screen over the sound of our candy wrappers because all our treats were "fun size". The kids fought over certain treats, and we passed the cider jug back and forth and everything was pretty swell. We also had a good laugh because Jailen kept tearing her M&M bags open way too hard, sending candies through the air and onto the floor.
For a while things were quiet and the kids didn't seem to notice that we weren't watching Madagascar. But then I learned something I didn't know. Jailen must be allergic to cider or apples, because she really started stinking up the place! I wasn't sure if she'd filled her diaper or what. She also seemed to have slipped into some kind of sugar coma, so I decided to ignore her, because at least she was behaving.
The movie was funny enough, but so damn nasty, with lots of swearing and sex jokes. Brandon kept asking me what they were talking about, and I did my best to explain. It was kind of annoying because I was also trying to hold a text conversation with Phil on my Blackberry. The screen on that thing is so damn bright that every time I looked back up at the movie screen I was seeing spots.
Some guy behind us got annoyed at our chatter, so he leaned forward and asked if we would please shut up and turn off our phone. I turned off the phone as he was talking, and that's when the usher came in. Then the usher left, and soon returned with the manager. He pointed at the guy who had been talking to us. The manager took they guy out to the end of the aisle and told him to be quiet or be removed.
By the time the manager walked out it was almost time for Madagascar to start in the next theater over, so I woke Jailen up and quietly led her and Brandon up the aisle and out to the bathroom. I changed her diaper, then brought them into the Madagascar theater and put them in some seats. Then I went back out, asked for the manager, and told him that the man sitting behind us in Role Models was still talking and acting drunk and needed to be removed. Then I went back to sit with the kids. I've gotta say, Madagascar was really funny, and a lot of fun!
The kids were thirsty so I let them have some cider on the drive over. The parking lot was a goddamn zoo, as always, but we managed to find a spot near the back. Of course the ticket line was stretched all the way down the edge of the building! By the time we got up to where we could see the board it was obvious that the showing of Madagascar we wanted was sold out, and the next one wasn't for 45 minutes. I decided to take them to see Role Models instead and hope that Jailen didn't notice.
Role Models is R rated, which is fine. But the previews were rated R as well, and there was this one horror movie preview that scared the hell out of all of us. It had a crab walking dead guy and everything. Jailen started screaming and covering up her face with her jacket. Brandon just covered his eyes and sat there petrified. Once it ended they calmed down for me and manged to recover for the most part.
When the feature started I broke out the snacks. I could barely hear the screen over the sound of our candy wrappers because all our treats were "fun size". The kids fought over certain treats, and we passed the cider jug back and forth and everything was pretty swell. We also had a good laugh because Jailen kept tearing her M&M bags open way too hard, sending candies through the air and onto the floor.
For a while things were quiet and the kids didn't seem to notice that we weren't watching Madagascar. But then I learned something I didn't know. Jailen must be allergic to cider or apples, because she really started stinking up the place! I wasn't sure if she'd filled her diaper or what. She also seemed to have slipped into some kind of sugar coma, so I decided to ignore her, because at least she was behaving.
The movie was funny enough, but so damn nasty, with lots of swearing and sex jokes. Brandon kept asking me what they were talking about, and I did my best to explain. It was kind of annoying because I was also trying to hold a text conversation with Phil on my Blackberry. The screen on that thing is so damn bright that every time I looked back up at the movie screen I was seeing spots.
Some guy behind us got annoyed at our chatter, so he leaned forward and asked if we would please shut up and turn off our phone. I turned off the phone as he was talking, and that's when the usher came in. Then the usher left, and soon returned with the manager. He pointed at the guy who had been talking to us. The manager took they guy out to the end of the aisle and told him to be quiet or be removed.
By the time the manager walked out it was almost time for Madagascar to start in the next theater over, so I woke Jailen up and quietly led her and Brandon up the aisle and out to the bathroom. I changed her diaper, then brought them into the Madagascar theater and put them in some seats. Then I went back out, asked for the manager, and told him that the man sitting behind us in Role Models was still talking and acting drunk and needed to be removed. Then I went back to sit with the kids. I've gotta say, Madagascar was really funny, and a lot of fun!
Sunday, November 9
If you don't know, now you know!
I've received a number of nasty comments over the past several months, many of them too rude to print. The one reader misconception of me that I don't understand is the idea that I'm somehow giving poor single mothers a bad name. This makes absolutely no sense to me, mostly because I'm not poor! I probably put away more money in a year than most of you do. The fact is, I enjoy a pretty decent income, and I'm really good with my money!
It's always been my priority to make sure that I've got plenty of cash coming in. My cushy office job pays me over $45,000 a year plus benefits. Then I've got my child support checks, and a welfare check that I receive under my maiden name. Also, back when we were married, Kevin's father died. Kevin was stationed over in Iraq, so he missed the funeral, among other details. He was one of the main beneficiaries, and since I was handling things for him at the time I arranged for the check to be sent to me instead. I just never told him about it!
Now that I've put my mom in the nursing home I've got an additional bill to pay. Of course it's no trouble, because I'm resourceful. I'll be using the proceeds from the sale of her house and her Social Security checks to pay for her stay, with a generous chunk of change left over. Opportunities like this one are reassuring, because I'm gettin' up there myself, and at this stage in my life it's really all about stackin' the Benjamins! But you can't just bring in money and expect everything to work itself out. You've gotta be smart with it!
That's why I also go to great lengths to protect my rights as a consumer, go out of my way to cut down on costs, and even take time to get my kids involved with supplementing my income whenever possible. I realize that these activities might make me seem poor or cheap to some of you, but I don't think there's anything wrong with being frugal. I guess we'll see who's right in our golden years, when I'm enjoying the highest quality assisted living available, and the rest of you are being abused in some cut rate nursing home like the one I put mother in!
It's always been my priority to make sure that I've got plenty of cash coming in. My cushy office job pays me over $45,000 a year plus benefits. Then I've got my child support checks, and a welfare check that I receive under my maiden name. Also, back when we were married, Kevin's father died. Kevin was stationed over in Iraq, so he missed the funeral, among other details. He was one of the main beneficiaries, and since I was handling things for him at the time I arranged for the check to be sent to me instead. I just never told him about it!
Now that I've put my mom in the nursing home I've got an additional bill to pay. Of course it's no trouble, because I'm resourceful. I'll be using the proceeds from the sale of her house and her Social Security checks to pay for her stay, with a generous chunk of change left over. Opportunities like this one are reassuring, because I'm gettin' up there myself, and at this stage in my life it's really all about stackin' the Benjamins! But you can't just bring in money and expect everything to work itself out. You've gotta be smart with it!
That's why I also go to great lengths to protect my rights as a consumer, go out of my way to cut down on costs, and even take time to get my kids involved with supplementing my income whenever possible. I realize that these activities might make me seem poor or cheap to some of you, but I don't think there's anything wrong with being frugal. I guess we'll see who's right in our golden years, when I'm enjoying the highest quality assisted living available, and the rest of you are being abused in some cut rate nursing home like the one I put mother in!
Wednesday, November 5
Takin' a pot shot!
I'd like to start today's post with a big fat "Thanks for nothing!" to all you jerks for not doing a write-in for Hillary yesterday like we agreed! Now we're stuck with this Obama character. Yeah, maybe his inspiring words remind people all over the world about all the great things that America stands for. But so what? What do I get out of that?
I'm sorry, but I have very little confidence that his plans for redistributing wealth are going to work out as well as the Republicans have promised. And tax breaks only benefit those who actually pay their taxes. So forgive me if I reserve my celebrating for when I receive my first big fat socialist money redistribution check!
Aside from standing in the rain for an hour and a half just to throw my vote away, something else happened yesterday which forced me to take a stand for my rights in a more direct way. Y'all know I don't ask for much, but I do demand a little peace and quiet while I use the toilet. This is my "me" time, where I meditate, and get away from the stupid slags in my office.
There are only two stalls in the restroom I use, which is down in the building's main hallway. There's the handicapped accessible stall (that's the one I like), and there's the one regular stall next to it. In order to maintain my privacy, I usually pull the door shut on the regular stall before going into the other, so it looks like they're both occupied.
Usually this setup works beautifully. But yesterday some bitch came in there in a hurry while I was wiping (and playing Solitaire on my iPod). She checked both stall doors, pulled the second door free, and made her way inside and onto the seat. Not only was I aggravated by having my privacy disturbed, but this person didn't even give me time to get up out of there before letting loose with what sounded like a broken garbage bag full of Brunswick stew.
I decided that this ho had to be made an example of. So I put my iPod into my purse, pulled my pants up, and prepared a little surprise. I wadded up a giant ball of toilet paper and sanitary seat covers, dipped it all the way into the toilet, and tossed it over the wall of the stall. As she screamed with surprise, I leaped out of my stall, flipped off the light, and ran down the hall back to my company's office. I must say, it felt damn good to stand up for myself!
I'm sorry, but I have very little confidence that his plans for redistributing wealth are going to work out as well as the Republicans have promised. And tax breaks only benefit those who actually pay their taxes. So forgive me if I reserve my celebrating for when I receive my first big fat socialist money redistribution check!
Aside from standing in the rain for an hour and a half just to throw my vote away, something else happened yesterday which forced me to take a stand for my rights in a more direct way. Y'all know I don't ask for much, but I do demand a little peace and quiet while I use the toilet. This is my "me" time, where I meditate, and get away from the stupid slags in my office.
There are only two stalls in the restroom I use, which is down in the building's main hallway. There's the handicapped accessible stall (that's the one I like), and there's the one regular stall next to it. In order to maintain my privacy, I usually pull the door shut on the regular stall before going into the other, so it looks like they're both occupied.
Usually this setup works beautifully. But yesterday some bitch came in there in a hurry while I was wiping (and playing Solitaire on my iPod). She checked both stall doors, pulled the second door free, and made her way inside and onto the seat. Not only was I aggravated by having my privacy disturbed, but this person didn't even give me time to get up out of there before letting loose with what sounded like a broken garbage bag full of Brunswick stew.
I decided that this ho had to be made an example of. So I put my iPod into my purse, pulled my pants up, and prepared a little surprise. I wadded up a giant ball of toilet paper and sanitary seat covers, dipped it all the way into the toilet, and tossed it over the wall of the stall. As she screamed with surprise, I leaped out of my stall, flipped off the light, and ran down the hall back to my company's office. I must say, it felt damn good to stand up for myself!
Saturday, November 1
Birthday bowling blow-out!
Wednesday was Brandon's 8th birthday, so Phil and I took him, his sisters, and his little friend Andrew to the bowling alley. I had tried to invite some of his other friends, but their moms said that they didn't want to come because Brandon is a bully. That's okay by me, cause I don't really want him hanging out with boys who can't take a punch in the stomach.
On the way to the party we stopped off to throw my mom into a nursing home. The kids weren't too thrilled with it, and I certainly don't like giving up my full-time babysitter. But she needs to be looked after, because she's starting to become forgetful. You wouldn't believe the number of times she has forwarded me old stupid email jokes over the last 10 years.
She hasn't really wanted to babysit the kids much anyway, and it's kind of a pain to drive down the street to her house. So instead I just put the kids in their rooms and let Muffin out of the laundry room to guard the house. The brats won't set foot outside of their rooms when Muffin is on the prowl!
Luckily the kids were done crying by the time we arrived at the bowling alley. We got them all rounded up inside, and I payed for all our shoes. I love stupid rental bowling shoes. They have a way of bringing us all down to the same level. I think if a hot dog burp could somehow be transformed into a shoe, it would look like a bowling shoe.
Another good thing about a bowling alley is that you don't have to wash your hands in between throws and eating their tasty fried finger foods. And for some reason the beer just seems stronger than at home. I'm usually so shit-faced by the second game that I get the attendant to install the bumpers! They're happy to do it, because Phil is in a league team. That's like being a made man!
After our third game I asked Phil to get the kids into the van while I returned the shoes and paid up. While he was ushering them all out the door I shoved the bowling shoes into a little pile under some of the seats. I casually strolled across the room over to the other set of lanes, then cut a diagonal to the door when nobody seemed to be looking. As soon as I got out the door I sprinted to the van, and drove off.
One minute later and we're on the highway. As easy as it was, that little maneuver saved me about $70! The kids wanted to go to an arcade after that, but I had a better idea. I drove us over to the Toys "R" Us, and let them go inside and run wild. While they were gone me and Phil played "slap-and-tickle" in the van. If you ever wondered how condoms ended up on the ground in parking lots, well, now you know!
On the way to the party we stopped off to throw my mom into a nursing home. The kids weren't too thrilled with it, and I certainly don't like giving up my full-time babysitter. But she needs to be looked after, because she's starting to become forgetful. You wouldn't believe the number of times she has forwarded me old stupid email jokes over the last 10 years.
She hasn't really wanted to babysit the kids much anyway, and it's kind of a pain to drive down the street to her house. So instead I just put the kids in their rooms and let Muffin out of the laundry room to guard the house. The brats won't set foot outside of their rooms when Muffin is on the prowl!
Luckily the kids were done crying by the time we arrived at the bowling alley. We got them all rounded up inside, and I payed for all our shoes. I love stupid rental bowling shoes. They have a way of bringing us all down to the same level. I think if a hot dog burp could somehow be transformed into a shoe, it would look like a bowling shoe.
Another good thing about a bowling alley is that you don't have to wash your hands in between throws and eating their tasty fried finger foods. And for some reason the beer just seems stronger than at home. I'm usually so shit-faced by the second game that I get the attendant to install the bumpers! They're happy to do it, because Phil is in a league team. That's like being a made man!
After our third game I asked Phil to get the kids into the van while I returned the shoes and paid up. While he was ushering them all out the door I shoved the bowling shoes into a little pile under some of the seats. I casually strolled across the room over to the other set of lanes, then cut a diagonal to the door when nobody seemed to be looking. As soon as I got out the door I sprinted to the van, and drove off.
One minute later and we're on the highway. As easy as it was, that little maneuver saved me about $70! The kids wanted to go to an arcade after that, but I had a better idea. I drove us over to the Toys "R" Us, and let them go inside and run wild. While they were gone me and Phil played "slap-and-tickle" in the van. If you ever wondered how condoms ended up on the ground in parking lots, well, now you know!
Tuesday, October 28
We got hit by the jackpot!
Finally, some good news! I got in a car wreck!
Sunday is the day I try to spend time with the kids. I took the little ones out for a drive in the morning, and let them throw trash at bicyclists from the passenger window. Then my teenage daughter and I headed out to rummage through this one outdoor donation bin, which is almost always overflowing by Sunday night. We picked out a couple of cute tops, and I found a garbage bag full of bras! That's the biggest score I've had since the time I swiped a whole pile of thongs from the dryer at the laundromat!
So I'm driving us back home in the van, and the stupid DVD we were watching started messing up. I reached around to the back seat for another movie and my phone slipped off my lap. I was in the middle of a turn at the time, which required me to yield onto the next road. I couldn't look around to my left for traffic because I was still trying to fetch my phone, so I put on the breaks. I turned to the left to see nobody, and that's when we got rear-ended!
I pulled off to the shoulder and the other driver pulled over behind us. He ran right up to the van to make sure that everyone was okay. I could barely suppress my smile, but inside I was busting with excitement! I got out to exchange info and we looked at each others damages. Luckily we took the van that day, which has a really high rear bumper. There was only a little bit of damage to my bumper. The poor bastard who hit us was in a brand new Mazda 3, and his front end was smashed all to hell!
That's the least of his worries, though. I've been recommended to a very good injury lawyer. That ho Shirl at my office used him in a similar accident, and made off with $35,000. And even though this is only a low speed crash, and my unborn baby is fine, the lawyer is going to refer us to a special doctor. This guy is a master at diagnosing accident-related pain conditions which are very difficult to disprove. All I have to do is play along, and before you know it, I'll be gettin' paid!
Sunday is the day I try to spend time with the kids. I took the little ones out for a drive in the morning, and let them throw trash at bicyclists from the passenger window. Then my teenage daughter and I headed out to rummage through this one outdoor donation bin, which is almost always overflowing by Sunday night. We picked out a couple of cute tops, and I found a garbage bag full of bras! That's the biggest score I've had since the time I swiped a whole pile of thongs from the dryer at the laundromat!
So I'm driving us back home in the van, and the stupid DVD we were watching started messing up. I reached around to the back seat for another movie and my phone slipped off my lap. I was in the middle of a turn at the time, which required me to yield onto the next road. I couldn't look around to my left for traffic because I was still trying to fetch my phone, so I put on the breaks. I turned to the left to see nobody, and that's when we got rear-ended!
I pulled off to the shoulder and the other driver pulled over behind us. He ran right up to the van to make sure that everyone was okay. I could barely suppress my smile, but inside I was busting with excitement! I got out to exchange info and we looked at each others damages. Luckily we took the van that day, which has a really high rear bumper. There was only a little bit of damage to my bumper. The poor bastard who hit us was in a brand new Mazda 3, and his front end was smashed all to hell!
That's the least of his worries, though. I've been recommended to a very good injury lawyer. That ho Shirl at my office used him in a similar accident, and made off with $35,000. And even though this is only a low speed crash, and my unborn baby is fine, the lawyer is going to refer us to a special doctor. This guy is a master at diagnosing accident-related pain conditions which are very difficult to disprove. All I have to do is play along, and before you know it, I'll be gettin' paid!
Friday, October 24
25 Wacky Halloween Tricks!
The other day I made a point to warn all of you about the dangers of handing out non-candy items as treats on Halloween. But what kinds of tricks would be appropriate as retaliation for such heinous behaviour? Obviously, you'll want to tailor your tricks to the individual victim, with a focus on traumatizing them for life. That's the only way they'll ever learn!
Here are a few fun ideas to get you started:
1.Catch a foodborne illness, use their jack-o-lantern as a toilet
2.Throw that crappy pumpkin through their bay window
3.Fire a wad of 50 bottle rockets into their shed or garage
4.Replace their brake fluid with Crystal Light
5.Trap their pet in a van and give it an obvious sex change
6.Paint their doorway with curdled pig's blood
7.Drop buckets of baking soda and vinegar down the chimney
8.Leave a flaming bag of entrails on the doorstep, ring bell
9.Call their phone, when they answer whisper, "I'm in the house!"
10.Sacrifice an inflatable love goat on their porch
11.Knock up their daughter, then refuse to pay child support
12.Burn a massive scarecrow on their front lawn
13.Rig up a non-fatal candy corn cluster bomb
14.Use a hot glue gun to seal all their windows and doors shut
15.Break into the basement and cause an odorless gas leak
16.Startle them by dressing up as their dead grandma
17.Force them to swallow the refuse from your ear candling
18.Put a razor blade in an apple and accuse them to the police
19.Break in and throw a black cat on them while they're taking a dump
20.Mummify them in a giant ball of 3-ply toilet paper
21.Drug a rabid raccoon and leave it in their glove compartment
22.Sneak a few senior citizens inside the house to stink up the place
23.Stuff their air conditioner full of carrot juice & bacon bits
24.Mess up their vinyl siding by covering it in bloody butt prints
25.Shoot a dart laced with Ben Gay right into their necks
Disclaimer:
This list is for entertainment purposes only.
Do not drug a rabid raccoon without your doctor's permission.
Here are a few fun ideas to get you started:
1.Catch a foodborne illness, use their jack-o-lantern as a toilet
2.Throw that crappy pumpkin through their bay window
3.Fire a wad of 50 bottle rockets into their shed or garage
4.Replace their brake fluid with Crystal Light
5.Trap their pet in a van and give it an obvious sex change
6.Paint their doorway with curdled pig's blood
7.Drop buckets of baking soda and vinegar down the chimney
8.Leave a flaming bag of entrails on the doorstep, ring bell
9.Call their phone, when they answer whisper, "I'm in the house!"
10.Sacrifice an inflatable love goat on their porch
11.Knock up their daughter, then refuse to pay child support
12.Burn a massive scarecrow on their front lawn
13.Rig up a non-fatal candy corn cluster bomb
14.Use a hot glue gun to seal all their windows and doors shut
15.Break into the basement and cause an odorless gas leak
16.Startle them by dressing up as their dead grandma
17.Force them to swallow the refuse from your ear candling
18.Put a razor blade in an apple and accuse them to the police
19.Break in and throw a black cat on them while they're taking a dump
20.Mummify them in a giant ball of 3-ply toilet paper
21.Drug a rabid raccoon and leave it in their glove compartment
22.Sneak a few senior citizens inside the house to stink up the place
23.Stuff their air conditioner full of carrot juice & bacon bits
24.Mess up their vinyl siding by covering it in bloody butt prints
25.Shoot a dart laced with Ben Gay right into their necks
Disclaimer:
This list is for entertainment purposes only.
Do not drug a rabid raccoon without your doctor's permission.
Wednesday, October 22
25 Unacceptable Halloween Treats!
As a parent, I take a large cut of my kids' Halloween candy. I have absolutely no use for all this non-candy bullcrap that some folks in my neighborhood have chosen to give out in lieu of actual treats. For all of our sakes I've prepared a list of the 25 worst items that have been offered to my kids on Halloween:
1.School supplies
2.Fat free snacks, like Goldfish crackers or pretzels
3.Homemade popcorn balls with bits of cat hair stuck on the side
4.Homemade caramel apples (which are actually kind of fun to throw)
5.Meat on a stick with little bones in it
6.Travel toothbrush and mini-toothpaste
7.Religious propaganda
8.Cheap ass 8-packs of generic Chinese crayons
9.Little paper bags full of dirty nickels & unwrapped gum
10.Individual used women's shoes that are like 30 yrs old
11.Midget granola bars with no chocolate or candy in them
12.Loose pastel Peanut M&Ms from four Easters ago
13.Cans of warm non-alcoholic beer
14.A couple of melted Sucrets from a leather jacket pocket
15.Miniature Hickory Farms meat and cheese logs
16.Worn out tennis balls that the dog has slobbered all over
17.Bouillon cubes
18.A runny slice of crappy pecan pie that you have to sit there and eat
19.Tiny shampoo samples from some hotel they stayed at
20.A fun-sized Milky Way with a big rusty needle sticking through it
21.Giant cans of soggy string beans from Costco
22.Crumbs from the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms
23.Handfuls of Sweet & Low packets from an elderly lady's purse
24.Rice cakes with globs of flavorless yogurt on them
25.Circus peanuts. Nobody wants to gnaw on that orange wad!
To avoid any doubt, go ahead and print this out and take it with you to the store. This is what they call "fair warning". If any of you scumbags try to drop some crap like this into my kids' trick or treat bags again, I promise you that I will personally assist them in carrying out a trick that ends with you being rushed to the hospital!
1.School supplies
2.Fat free snacks, like Goldfish crackers or pretzels
3.Homemade popcorn balls with bits of cat hair stuck on the side
4.Homemade caramel apples (which are actually kind of fun to throw)
5.Meat on a stick with little bones in it
6.Travel toothbrush and mini-toothpaste
7.Religious propaganda
8.Cheap ass 8-packs of generic Chinese crayons
9.Little paper bags full of dirty nickels & unwrapped gum
10.Individual used women's shoes that are like 30 yrs old
11.Midget granola bars with no chocolate or candy in them
12.Loose pastel Peanut M&Ms from four Easters ago
13.Cans of warm non-alcoholic beer
14.A couple of melted Sucrets from a leather jacket pocket
15.Miniature Hickory Farms meat and cheese logs
16.Worn out tennis balls that the dog has slobbered all over
17.Bouillon cubes
18.A runny slice of crappy pecan pie that you have to sit there and eat
19.Tiny shampoo samples from some hotel they stayed at
20.A fun-sized Milky Way with a big rusty needle sticking through it
21.Giant cans of soggy string beans from Costco
22.Crumbs from the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms
23.Handfuls of Sweet & Low packets from an elderly lady's purse
24.Rice cakes with globs of flavorless yogurt on them
25.Circus peanuts. Nobody wants to gnaw on that orange wad!
To avoid any doubt, go ahead and print this out and take it with you to the store. This is what they call "fair warning". If any of you scumbags try to drop some crap like this into my kids' trick or treat bags again, I promise you that I will personally assist them in carrying out a trick that ends with you being rushed to the hospital!
Monday, October 20
Learn some strip club etiquette!
Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.
The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.
As for the women, the rule is the same, unless you're there with your man. In that circumstance you do not need to tip. We get so much satisfaction from being sexier to your man than you are that the bitchy scowls from you and your stupid best friend you brought along are payment enough! Just make sure you watch your mouth. It would be a shame if somebody cut that pretty face of yours!
Another thing you need to know is that we always come to work, even when we're sick. I've stripped while fighting a flu, or even when suffering from really bad gas! During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit, and cats are notorious for that. He didn't agree, so I told the bouncers that he groped me, and they threw him skull-first onto the pavement outside.
There's one question that I'm gonna answer even before you ask it: Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off! Hell, one time I gave an ex-convict a dry handjob in exchange for a half pack of cigarettes. It ain't no thang!
Some customers will make proposals of this sort when the girls are coming around for their tips. That's okay, but not ideal. The best way is to approach them in the parking lot when they're getting off their shift. Show her that you're carrying a large black plastic trash bag, so she'll see that there's somewhere to keep her purse and soiled dance costumes while she's workin' you over!
Of course that's not enough for some guys. Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine. Get yourself a dealer, and enough cash to keep a steady supply. Before you know it, you'll be one of those guys in his late forties who's moving in with a stripper in her late twenties who wears low rise jeans with stretched out thongs that ride halfway up her back.
The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.
As for the women, the rule is the same, unless you're there with your man. In that circumstance you do not need to tip. We get so much satisfaction from being sexier to your man than you are that the bitchy scowls from you and your stupid best friend you brought along are payment enough! Just make sure you watch your mouth. It would be a shame if somebody cut that pretty face of yours!
Another thing you need to know is that we always come to work, even when we're sick. I've stripped while fighting a flu, or even when suffering from really bad gas! During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit, and cats are notorious for that. He didn't agree, so I told the bouncers that he groped me, and they threw him skull-first onto the pavement outside.
There's one question that I'm gonna answer even before you ask it: Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off! Hell, one time I gave an ex-convict a dry handjob in exchange for a half pack of cigarettes. It ain't no thang!
Some customers will make proposals of this sort when the girls are coming around for their tips. That's okay, but not ideal. The best way is to approach them in the parking lot when they're getting off their shift. Show her that you're carrying a large black plastic trash bag, so she'll see that there's somewhere to keep her purse and soiled dance costumes while she's workin' you over!
Of course that's not enough for some guys. Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine. Get yourself a dealer, and enough cash to keep a steady supply. Before you know it, you'll be one of those guys in his late forties who's moving in with a stripper in her late twenties who wears low rise jeans with stretched out thongs that ride halfway up her back.
Wednesday, October 15
Help my homeless homies!
Y'all forget sometimes how good y'all've got it. You're waking up each morning on your comfy beds, taking your hot lathery showers, driving your overprotected, brat-faced kids to school in your fancy cars. Well I don't forget. I try to do a little something each day to make things easier for those amongst us who are most vulnerable. Today is the day that we're going to get together, and talk about the issue of homelessness, rather than just turning a blind eye as we so often do.
Think about this. When you're sitting at a stoplight, what do you do? Find a different CD to listen to, pick your nose, and maybe gawk at the person in the car next to you? When what you could be doing is helping that poor laid off veteran who's standing on the corner with a sign, asking for help. Do you think his Sprint GPS cell phone bill is going to pay itself? Do you think that 2-year old Honda Pilot he has parked around the corner is going to pay itself off? Y'all gotta think!
Damn near every time I go to Carytown there's some crusty dude sitting at the end of the I-195 exit with a crudely fashioned sign. So when I get up to the light I reach my hand into that sticky plastic pocked inside my car door and dig out as many pennies, car wash and Chuck E. Cheese tokens as I can possibly find. Then I toss them on the ground near his feet and take off through the yellow light. Screw the horn honking haters behind me who are waiting through two light cycles just to make it off the ramp. This is more important!
Commuters can do a lot of good, because we see the same people every morning. Familiar strangers, who we connect with on some human level. That's why it's nice to work up a little care package once in a while for those who appear to be in need. Include practical items, like last night's leftovers from Chili's, that blanket your dog used to sleep on before he died, and a mini-crowbar that can be used for self defence, or for finding a warm place to sleep. I also like to include sample-sized packets that I get in the mail, like tooth whitening strips and personal lubricant.
They say that kids make up a large portion of the homeless population. I never see them around our town, but statistics say that they're there. So I keep plastic bags full of my kids' old clothes in the trunk to give to homeless people that I see along my travels. I can only assume that they take those items back to wherever their children are. Of course I only give away torn or visibly soiled items, because I can sell the decent ones for a few bucks at a children's consignment shop.
Finally, we come down to the most pitiful of all, homeless people's dogs. I'm sure that having them along helps with the frequency of cash donations, so who can blame these needy folks for stealing cute dogs out of peoples' yards? Certainly not me! But we also have to face the fact that the money you give these panhandlers for "dog food" is going to be used for booze or heroin. Then they're going to feed the dog half-eaten Taquitos out of the 7-11 dumpster. So instead of cash donations, you could give them things that only a dog would want, like a bag of chicken bones, or an opened package of out-of-date chocolates.
Think about this. When you're sitting at a stoplight, what do you do? Find a different CD to listen to, pick your nose, and maybe gawk at the person in the car next to you? When what you could be doing is helping that poor laid off veteran who's standing on the corner with a sign, asking for help. Do you think his Sprint GPS cell phone bill is going to pay itself? Do you think that 2-year old Honda Pilot he has parked around the corner is going to pay itself off? Y'all gotta think!
Damn near every time I go to Carytown there's some crusty dude sitting at the end of the I-195 exit with a crudely fashioned sign. So when I get up to the light I reach my hand into that sticky plastic pocked inside my car door and dig out as many pennies, car wash and Chuck E. Cheese tokens as I can possibly find. Then I toss them on the ground near his feet and take off through the yellow light. Screw the horn honking haters behind me who are waiting through two light cycles just to make it off the ramp. This is more important!
Commuters can do a lot of good, because we see the same people every morning. Familiar strangers, who we connect with on some human level. That's why it's nice to work up a little care package once in a while for those who appear to be in need. Include practical items, like last night's leftovers from Chili's, that blanket your dog used to sleep on before he died, and a mini-crowbar that can be used for self defence, or for finding a warm place to sleep. I also like to include sample-sized packets that I get in the mail, like tooth whitening strips and personal lubricant.
They say that kids make up a large portion of the homeless population. I never see them around our town, but statistics say that they're there. So I keep plastic bags full of my kids' old clothes in the trunk to give to homeless people that I see along my travels. I can only assume that they take those items back to wherever their children are. Of course I only give away torn or visibly soiled items, because I can sell the decent ones for a few bucks at a children's consignment shop.
Finally, we come down to the most pitiful of all, homeless people's dogs. I'm sure that having them along helps with the frequency of cash donations, so who can blame these needy folks for stealing cute dogs out of peoples' yards? Certainly not me! But we also have to face the fact that the money you give these panhandlers for "dog food" is going to be used for booze or heroin. Then they're going to feed the dog half-eaten Taquitos out of the 7-11 dumpster. So instead of cash donations, you could give them things that only a dog would want, like a bag of chicken bones, or an opened package of out-of-date chocolates.
Monday, October 13
Public displays of affection!
Phil took me out to a real fancy seafood place for dinner last night. It was a total surprise! I was just out in the utility shed in my housedress huffing some jenkem when I heard him calling me from inside the townhouse. I came in and he had flowers and was all dressed up in his fancy church clothes. Just the sight of him had me blushing like a dumpy virgin!
I got myself gussied up with my one nice maternity dress, and a few sprays of Paris Hilton's "Can Can" perfume. He drove us downtown, and I tell ya, he was sweet talking me the whole way! I really felt like a princess! Then he pulled out a blunt that he had rolled with some of those banana flavored cigar papers that I like so much! We got high as shit! He even found us a nice parking spot right in front of the restaurant!
We shared a double order of raw oysters as an appetizer. By the time the entrees arrived I was hornier than a sick old cat in heat! That's how it is sometimes when you're pregnant, stoned, and full of raw shellfish. I started making eyes at Phil, dipping my fingers in my bowl of fish chowder and teasing him with them. He responded with some heavy petting under my dress. Then I got a bit bolder and hopped up on his lap!
It was about that time that the restaurant manager showed up and asked us nicely to get our asses out of there. This guy clearly meant business. He had an uneasy look on his face, like he was going to vomit, or start throwing punches. We left quietly, and rather embarrassed. I honestly don't understand why it's okay to breastfeed a baby in public, but not a drunken bearded man. I can't help it if I'm blessed with early lactating! It's just how I was made!
I got myself gussied up with my one nice maternity dress, and a few sprays of Paris Hilton's "Can Can" perfume. He drove us downtown, and I tell ya, he was sweet talking me the whole way! I really felt like a princess! Then he pulled out a blunt that he had rolled with some of those banana flavored cigar papers that I like so much! We got high as shit! He even found us a nice parking spot right in front of the restaurant!
We shared a double order of raw oysters as an appetizer. By the time the entrees arrived I was hornier than a sick old cat in heat! That's how it is sometimes when you're pregnant, stoned, and full of raw shellfish. I started making eyes at Phil, dipping my fingers in my bowl of fish chowder and teasing him with them. He responded with some heavy petting under my dress. Then I got a bit bolder and hopped up on his lap!
It was about that time that the restaurant manager showed up and asked us nicely to get our asses out of there. This guy clearly meant business. He had an uneasy look on his face, like he was going to vomit, or start throwing punches. We left quietly, and rather embarrassed. I honestly don't understand why it's okay to breastfeed a baby in public, but not a drunken bearded man. I can't help it if I'm blessed with early lactating! It's just how I was made!
Friday, October 10
You gotta give back!
I'm proud to say that I've been donating some of my time to the community. So while the rest of you butt-skulls just sit on ass watching television, I'm out there mentoring a group of teens as part of a progressive new program. Kids today need direction, and sometimes need to be reminded that there is life after high school. They also need to know how to get the most out of their high school experience. That's where I come in!
We all wish we could go back to high school knowing what we know now. That's why I advise the kids in my group to go out and commit as many felonies as possible before they turn 18. I tell the girls about how much fun it can be to sleep with the gym coach. And the boys are sometimes shocked to learn these public school years could be their last chance to sleep with virgins, (yet sluts will be around for the rest of their lives!).
I teach them things that will help get them through these difficult adolescent years. For example, most kids don't realize that their dad's coin collection can be used to buy drugs. And if their dad complains, they can just load his computer with nasty porn for their mom to find. They were also interested in the idea that a few dirty pennies dropped in the tank could successfully kill a teacher's fish.
They had all kinds of questions about how to work the system. My advice was to weaken it in subtle ways, like stealing library books and throwing them away. Or annoy the teachers by talking like a rapper or a born again Christian. A few of the boys couldn't wait to try hitting on the lunch ladies to get bonus tater tots. I even encouraged one chubby youngster to plan a walk-out in protest of the "two taco limit".
To the outcasts, I could only recommend snitching on the popular kids, after planting drugs in their lockers. They had never even thought of using a car's trunk as a refrigerator for beer during wintertime. Or how you can get drugs prescribed to you by simply plastering your locker door with pictures of swimsuit models with their head and limbs cut off. I also told them to stop acting all depressed, because honestly, nobody gives a shit.
The hardest part is helping them plan for the changes they'll face heading into college. For one the thing, they need to learn how to cheat their way through everything, like grown-ups do. Also, they'll want to switch their morning breakfast routine from Carnation Instant Breakfast to a half pitcher of Bailey's Irish Cream. And there are no parents at college to check you out when you get home, so you might as well reek like cheap beer (and cheaper women!). And nothing says "originality" like streaking through the quad, flashing everyone with a view of your impish genitals.
We all wish we could go back to high school knowing what we know now. That's why I advise the kids in my group to go out and commit as many felonies as possible before they turn 18. I tell the girls about how much fun it can be to sleep with the gym coach. And the boys are sometimes shocked to learn these public school years could be their last chance to sleep with virgins, (yet sluts will be around for the rest of their lives!).
I teach them things that will help get them through these difficult adolescent years. For example, most kids don't realize that their dad's coin collection can be used to buy drugs. And if their dad complains, they can just load his computer with nasty porn for their mom to find. They were also interested in the idea that a few dirty pennies dropped in the tank could successfully kill a teacher's fish.
They had all kinds of questions about how to work the system. My advice was to weaken it in subtle ways, like stealing library books and throwing them away. Or annoy the teachers by talking like a rapper or a born again Christian. A few of the boys couldn't wait to try hitting on the lunch ladies to get bonus tater tots. I even encouraged one chubby youngster to plan a walk-out in protest of the "two taco limit".
To the outcasts, I could only recommend snitching on the popular kids, after planting drugs in their lockers. They had never even thought of using a car's trunk as a refrigerator for beer during wintertime. Or how you can get drugs prescribed to you by simply plastering your locker door with pictures of swimsuit models with their head and limbs cut off. I also told them to stop acting all depressed, because honestly, nobody gives a shit.
The hardest part is helping them plan for the changes they'll face heading into college. For one the thing, they need to learn how to cheat their way through everything, like grown-ups do. Also, they'll want to switch their morning breakfast routine from Carnation Instant Breakfast to a half pitcher of Bailey's Irish Cream. And there are no parents at college to check you out when you get home, so you might as well reek like cheap beer (and cheaper women!). And nothing says "originality" like streaking through the quad, flashing everyone with a view of your impish genitals.
Wednesday, October 8
Muffin goes to the dog park!
I planned a special day with Muffin yesterday. I figured he should get some exercise, because he hasn't been out of the laundry room since we took him to the river. Dogs act up if they don't get what they need, and the last thing I want is more trouble from him. I'm still a little afraid of him!
I called in sick to work and slept in a little. Then I got up and loaded Muffin into the backseat of the car. He was acting weird, and he smelled like a nest of dead possums. But there's no sense in washing him now when he's just going to get dirty again at the dog park. I pulled into the Waffle House, cracked a window for Muffin to bark through, and went inside for some quality grub.
The food was good, but the waitress was worthless. She only filled my coffee three times, and as with so many places, forgot about me when it was time to bring the check. I sat there for twenty minutes waiting, but I didn't care too much because I had my smokes. That's one thing you non-smokers don't realize. You're all impatient, and therefor annoying as hell to restaurant waitstaff.
I was putting my last cigarette out on my dirty plate when the waitress finally came back. She gave me this shitty look, pointed at my plate, and said, "That's nasty, and rude!". I stood up and loudly replied, "You know what's rude? Making me wait 20 minutes for a damn ash tray!". Needless to say, that bitch didn't get a tip. She's lucky she didn't get a slap!
I got back out to the car and drove us to the Dogwood Dell dog park. I want my dog to socialize more with other dogs so he'll get used to it. But Muffin was having none of it! He was avoiding the other dogs and sniffing around the people and the chairs. I saw him lift his leg and piss onto somebody's neatly folded fleece jacket. Nobody else saw it, so I didn't say anything.
He started running around the perimeter of the field, then he slowed down and started walking over to the most beautiful little purebred Beagle. The Beagle's owner and I were standing on the other side of the field, laughing about how cute they were being. The laughter stopped when Muffin mounted the Beagle and proceeded to give her the humping of her life! The owner wanted me do something, but there's no way I'm interrupting Muffin at a time like this!
We concluded that neither dog was fixed, which really pissed this woman off. I think I was pretty graceful about it, considering the way she was yelling in my face. Meanwhile, Muffin pranced back over to us and laid down like he was ready for a nap. The lady wanted my information in case any puppies came of this unholy union. Instead I have gave her a fake name, and the number to the Dollar General on Hull Street Road.
I called in sick to work and slept in a little. Then I got up and loaded Muffin into the backseat of the car. He was acting weird, and he smelled like a nest of dead possums. But there's no sense in washing him now when he's just going to get dirty again at the dog park. I pulled into the Waffle House, cracked a window for Muffin to bark through, and went inside for some quality grub.
The food was good, but the waitress was worthless. She only filled my coffee three times, and as with so many places, forgot about me when it was time to bring the check. I sat there for twenty minutes waiting, but I didn't care too much because I had my smokes. That's one thing you non-smokers don't realize. You're all impatient, and therefor annoying as hell to restaurant waitstaff.
I was putting my last cigarette out on my dirty plate when the waitress finally came back. She gave me this shitty look, pointed at my plate, and said, "That's nasty, and rude!". I stood up and loudly replied, "You know what's rude? Making me wait 20 minutes for a damn ash tray!". Needless to say, that bitch didn't get a tip. She's lucky she didn't get a slap!
I got back out to the car and drove us to the Dogwood Dell dog park. I want my dog to socialize more with other dogs so he'll get used to it. But Muffin was having none of it! He was avoiding the other dogs and sniffing around the people and the chairs. I saw him lift his leg and piss onto somebody's neatly folded fleece jacket. Nobody else saw it, so I didn't say anything.
He started running around the perimeter of the field, then he slowed down and started walking over to the most beautiful little purebred Beagle. The Beagle's owner and I were standing on the other side of the field, laughing about how cute they were being. The laughter stopped when Muffin mounted the Beagle and proceeded to give her the humping of her life! The owner wanted me do something, but there's no way I'm interrupting Muffin at a time like this!
We concluded that neither dog was fixed, which really pissed this woman off. I think I was pretty graceful about it, considering the way she was yelling in my face. Meanwhile, Muffin pranced back over to us and laid down like he was ready for a nap. The lady wanted my information in case any puppies came of this unholy union. Instead I have gave her a fake name, and the number to the Dollar General on Hull Street Road.
Monday, October 6
Ridin' dirty!
Ever since I took so much crap from people after posting an innocent opinion about the road rage conditions on our local roads, I've been evaluating my entire driving experience. I want make things as safe and healthy as possible for me and my family. It's not easy, with all these crazy people out on the roads! I actually hit somebody with the van last week! These jerks need to learn not to cut me off when I'm watching a DVD!
For starters, I'm keeping a wooden baseball bat in my trunk. You never know when you're going to need to take control of a situation! Like the other day, I went to visit my friend at her new job, and we got to talking and catching up through the KFC drive thru speaker. Some fool behind me had the nerve to honk his horn. Well you can be damn sure he backed his piece of shit Maxima out of there when I popped my trunk, jumped out the car, grabbed the bat out, and pointed it at him!
One important aspect of driving is the environment, and by that I mean the inside of your car. Rather than letting those cigarette butts pile up, I've started flicking them out of the window. And I toss my fast food garbage out the window now too, rather than just throwing it in the back seat. My car is already starting to smell better. Just make sure you only chuck things out when nobody's looking. I usually do it on curved highway ramps.
Penalties for crimes committed while driving have become increasingly harsh. That's why I decided to tint the windows of my Mercury Cougar. I used one of those kits you can use to do the tint job yourself, so of course it came out all uneven and bubbly. But at least I can take a hit off my mini-bong while stopped at a red light without nosey ass people staring at me.
The tinting provides me with a whole new world of privacy, which is important when I'm sexing a stranger in the backseat while parked behind the Days Inn. And you know how people would get if they could see that I'm rolling a joint and driving with my knee. Of course it only does but so much good, since they're already making a face at me just because I'm cutting diagonally across a crowded parking lot.
As an added precaution, I've taught my son to take the wheel when I'm driving, because sometimes when I'm on the phone or texting people I'll get so angry that I actually forget that I'm supposed to be driving! The kid are also learning to point things out for me, like baby carriages and cop cars. And yesterday afternoon, when I got shit-faced at the Applebee's, they watched for mall security while I squatted behind the car to take a piss.
For starters, I'm keeping a wooden baseball bat in my trunk. You never know when you're going to need to take control of a situation! Like the other day, I went to visit my friend at her new job, and we got to talking and catching up through the KFC drive thru speaker. Some fool behind me had the nerve to honk his horn. Well you can be damn sure he backed his piece of shit Maxima out of there when I popped my trunk, jumped out the car, grabbed the bat out, and pointed it at him!
One important aspect of driving is the environment, and by that I mean the inside of your car. Rather than letting those cigarette butts pile up, I've started flicking them out of the window. And I toss my fast food garbage out the window now too, rather than just throwing it in the back seat. My car is already starting to smell better. Just make sure you only chuck things out when nobody's looking. I usually do it on curved highway ramps.
Penalties for crimes committed while driving have become increasingly harsh. That's why I decided to tint the windows of my Mercury Cougar. I used one of those kits you can use to do the tint job yourself, so of course it came out all uneven and bubbly. But at least I can take a hit off my mini-bong while stopped at a red light without nosey ass people staring at me.
The tinting provides me with a whole new world of privacy, which is important when I'm sexing a stranger in the backseat while parked behind the Days Inn. And you know how people would get if they could see that I'm rolling a joint and driving with my knee. Of course it only does but so much good, since they're already making a face at me just because I'm cutting diagonally across a crowded parking lot.
As an added precaution, I've taught my son to take the wheel when I'm driving, because sometimes when I'm on the phone or texting people I'll get so angry that I actually forget that I'm supposed to be driving! The kid are also learning to point things out for me, like baby carriages and cop cars. And yesterday afternoon, when I got shit-faced at the Applebee's, they watched for mall security while I squatted behind the car to take a piss.
Thursday, October 2
Customer service secrets!
I gave y'all some helpful hints in a previous post about how we, as consumers, can take a stand and demand what's ours. Now I'm going to show all you customer service folks out there how you can take control of most situations, and have fun doing it! I'm an office manager now, but I've held many service level jobs over the course of my career.
I'll start out in the world of call centers. There's few things more awful than having to answer phones in a customer service department. You never know if your next call will be a simple transfer, or twenty minutes of ranting from some raging whore, who is complaining because she's had to call back 15 times to get one simple thing done. And nearly every caller is aggravated because they've been sent through a labyrinth-style phone menu, followed by torturous musical hold.
First of all, you need to figure out what your needs are. In most cases it's call volume, and call times. So it's always in your best interest to keep calls as short as possible. Answer the phone by racing through the greeting, especially the part where you say your name. If they get mad later on in the call and say, "What's your name?!" you can simply reply, "Oh, you didn't catch that, did you bitch?" and hang up right in their face.
If a caller's problem sounds too complicated, offer to transfer them to the "appropriate department". Then just transfer them back to your own department (if the odds are good that you won't get them again), or to any random number that suits your fancy. I used to like to send people to billing, after yelling, "Sir, you need to pay your bill!", even if their account was current. By the time they made their way back to our group I'd have clocked out for lunch!
Now lets turn it over to you sad bastards working in face-to-face customer service. You have definitely got it the worst. You've gotta take it from their ugly faces without showing even a hint of attitude. Smile, kill them with kindness to the point that they feel guilty and end up apologizing. Then, when they're gone, copy down their credit card info and send it in reply to every foreign Email scheme that comes into your spam folder.
I used to work at the bill pay and equipment counter for a cable TV company. Folks would come in there causing a ruckus for one reason or another. The really nasty ones would return their equipment in a huff, yell out their account info, and walk out without a receipt. To reward their rudeness, I'd fail to enter the return in the system, and scratch the serial number off their equipment. I hope they enjoyed the $500 equipment fee on their last bill!
I'd speak to the world of food service, but you folks already know what to do. The important thing is that the customer never find out what disgusting things you did to their food. And when you circle the total for a large party's bill, make sure your pen goes through the included tip amount, so they don't realize that it was included, and end up tipping you on the total amount! Even if you don't have time to exact revenge on a specific client, you always have the satisfaction of knowing that the ice y'all put in every customer's drink is probably teeming with parasites!
I'll start out in the world of call centers. There's few things more awful than having to answer phones in a customer service department. You never know if your next call will be a simple transfer, or twenty minutes of ranting from some raging whore, who is complaining because she's had to call back 15 times to get one simple thing done. And nearly every caller is aggravated because they've been sent through a labyrinth-style phone menu, followed by torturous musical hold.
First of all, you need to figure out what your needs are. In most cases it's call volume, and call times. So it's always in your best interest to keep calls as short as possible. Answer the phone by racing through the greeting, especially the part where you say your name. If they get mad later on in the call and say, "What's your name?!" you can simply reply, "Oh, you didn't catch that, did you bitch?" and hang up right in their face.
If a caller's problem sounds too complicated, offer to transfer them to the "appropriate department". Then just transfer them back to your own department (if the odds are good that you won't get them again), or to any random number that suits your fancy. I used to like to send people to billing, after yelling, "Sir, you need to pay your bill!", even if their account was current. By the time they made their way back to our group I'd have clocked out for lunch!
Now lets turn it over to you sad bastards working in face-to-face customer service. You have definitely got it the worst. You've gotta take it from their ugly faces without showing even a hint of attitude. Smile, kill them with kindness to the point that they feel guilty and end up apologizing. Then, when they're gone, copy down their credit card info and send it in reply to every foreign Email scheme that comes into your spam folder.
I used to work at the bill pay and equipment counter for a cable TV company. Folks would come in there causing a ruckus for one reason or another. The really nasty ones would return their equipment in a huff, yell out their account info, and walk out without a receipt. To reward their rudeness, I'd fail to enter the return in the system, and scratch the serial number off their equipment. I hope they enjoyed the $500 equipment fee on their last bill!
I'd speak to the world of food service, but you folks already know what to do. The important thing is that the customer never find out what disgusting things you did to their food. And when you circle the total for a large party's bill, make sure your pen goes through the included tip amount, so they don't realize that it was included, and end up tipping you on the total amount! Even if you don't have time to exact revenge on a specific client, you always have the satisfaction of knowing that the ice y'all put in every customer's drink is probably teeming with parasites!
Monday, September 29
Shopping malls are my thang!
One of my favorite things to do in this boring ass town is to hit up a shopping mall. The mall is a safe place to let the kids run loose while I spend some of my extra cash on all the things that make life worthwhile. I like to be comfortable when I shop, so I wear my baggiest stretch pants, an oversized white T-shirt, and a black fannypack over the shirt, around my waist. I crimp my hair, and slip on my chunky black sandals (the ones with the four inch thick sole!).
When we get there the kids run off to fish coins out of the fountain so they can afford some games at the arcade. I usually treat myself to a snack so I'll have plenty of energy to shop. I got myself a big ol' Cinnabon at the Food Court on our last visit to the mall, and wolfed it down in record time! I was chewing the last hunk of it when I noticed some crazy woman standing near the Taco Bell counter, yelling and beating her kid's ass. I laughed so hard that a bunch of Cinnabon mess came shooting out my nose!
I wiped off my mouth with my hands, then wiped off my hands on the back of a stroller that was sticking out near me from the next table over. Phil and I drank a bunch of homemade hard cider the night before, and I had the runs big time. So I sauntered over to the women's bathroom to teach that handicapped accessible stall a little humility. My hands were still pretty messy from my snack, so I'm sure I left those rails in the stall about as sticky as a fly strip.
Shopping and eating aren't the only things to do at the mall. Sometimes it's fun just to pick on mall employees, like how I always yell "How them Dippin' Dots treatin' ya, fatty?!" to the big girl at the Dippin' Dots stand. And when I see small children throwing tantrums I'll sometimes sneak up to them and give them a really hard pinch, then walk away before anybody notices. Some of you might be bothered by that idea, but kids are our future, and it takes a village, if you know what I mean!
Another thing about me is that I try on everything before I buy it. If a cute top doesn't fit me I like to stretch it out with my knee so that it will never fit anyone ever again. And if something is a little pricier than I like I've got a good technique for stealing it. I rip one of those security things off another item and drop it in an old woman's giant purse. Then I walk out the door the same time as her. She'll inevitably stop and look around when the alarm goes off, and I just keep on going.
It was time to head back to the Food Court again for my fifth sample of sesame chicken. That's when I realized something else about myself. Whenever I'm at the mall I always look other women up and down, usually with one nostril raised in disgust. If they return eye contact I say something like, "What you lookin' at, ya gawky bitch?". It's a strange part of my personality, the way I have to show dominance to any other women I encounter. But that's the way I am, and I ain't changing for nobody!
The kids met me at our usual spot, by the candy machines. I don't like them to eat candy in the van, so I make them spit their gum out on the ground by the mall's entrance doors. Then, on the way back to our parking spot we play a game where they check the locks on the other cars to see if any are unlocked. When they find one they call me over so I can grab any valuables that have been left out. I've gotten quite a collection of iPods together from playing this game!
When we get there the kids run off to fish coins out of the fountain so they can afford some games at the arcade. I usually treat myself to a snack so I'll have plenty of energy to shop. I got myself a big ol' Cinnabon at the Food Court on our last visit to the mall, and wolfed it down in record time! I was chewing the last hunk of it when I noticed some crazy woman standing near the Taco Bell counter, yelling and beating her kid's ass. I laughed so hard that a bunch of Cinnabon mess came shooting out my nose!
I wiped off my mouth with my hands, then wiped off my hands on the back of a stroller that was sticking out near me from the next table over. Phil and I drank a bunch of homemade hard cider the night before, and I had the runs big time. So I sauntered over to the women's bathroom to teach that handicapped accessible stall a little humility. My hands were still pretty messy from my snack, so I'm sure I left those rails in the stall about as sticky as a fly strip.
Shopping and eating aren't the only things to do at the mall. Sometimes it's fun just to pick on mall employees, like how I always yell "How them Dippin' Dots treatin' ya, fatty?!" to the big girl at the Dippin' Dots stand. And when I see small children throwing tantrums I'll sometimes sneak up to them and give them a really hard pinch, then walk away before anybody notices. Some of you might be bothered by that idea, but kids are our future, and it takes a village, if you know what I mean!
Another thing about me is that I try on everything before I buy it. If a cute top doesn't fit me I like to stretch it out with my knee so that it will never fit anyone ever again. And if something is a little pricier than I like I've got a good technique for stealing it. I rip one of those security things off another item and drop it in an old woman's giant purse. Then I walk out the door the same time as her. She'll inevitably stop and look around when the alarm goes off, and I just keep on going.
It was time to head back to the Food Court again for my fifth sample of sesame chicken. That's when I realized something else about myself. Whenever I'm at the mall I always look other women up and down, usually with one nostril raised in disgust. If they return eye contact I say something like, "What you lookin' at, ya gawky bitch?". It's a strange part of my personality, the way I have to show dominance to any other women I encounter. But that's the way I am, and I ain't changing for nobody!
The kids met me at our usual spot, by the candy machines. I don't like them to eat candy in the van, so I make them spit their gum out on the ground by the mall's entrance doors. Then, on the way back to our parking spot we play a game where they check the locks on the other cars to see if any are unlocked. When they find one they call me over so I can grab any valuables that have been left out. I've gotten quite a collection of iPods together from playing this game!
Friday, September 26
Don't tell me about my kids!
They just had Open House night at my son's school. I wasn't going to go, but my son's teacher sent him home with a special note asking me to attend. I showed up in my curlers and house dress, because I wasn't expecting this to be an interrogation. That horrible bitch was all over my case, talking about "genuine concerns regarding my children's welfare", and all that nonsense! I was able to ease her worries to some satisfaction, but damn! Can't it wait until Parent-Teacher Conference night?
I swear, some people act like I'm some kind of monster! But I'm more of a traditional mom than some of you may think. I write my kids' names on their sandwiches and cut the crusts off their underwear just like the good book says! And even if I fill up on Arby's before I get home, and the kids are asking what's for dinner, I always remind them to go next door to see what grandma got.
My children aren't exactly runnin' wild, y'all! For one thing, they're learning discipline through hard work. Just last week my teenage daughter had to fix the electric stove in the kitchen because she used my last condom. And my three year old was such a terror at the Social Security office yesterday that I'm making her wash the van this weekend. These types of punishments are more effective than spanking, and build character which lasts a lifetime.
When I spend time with my kids, it's quality time! I make sure that they're learning what they need to know to get by in this world. They learn how to make friends with kids whose parents have prescription pads lying around. I teach them how to place confusing orders at McDonald's so they can get their food for free when it comes back wrong. Or how to roll a cigarette out of discarded butts and single-ply toilet paper.
I also tell them things that effectively turn them against their father, regardless of whether those things are true or not. Like, even though he always pays child support on time, I tell them that he doesn't, and that's why I have to cut their hair with a Flowbee. Hell, even if he eventually gains visitation rights though the courts, he'll be sorry when the kids look right in his face and call him a "deadbeat"!
I swear, some people act like I'm some kind of monster! But I'm more of a traditional mom than some of you may think. I write my kids' names on their sandwiches and cut the crusts off their underwear just like the good book says! And even if I fill up on Arby's before I get home, and the kids are asking what's for dinner, I always remind them to go next door to see what grandma got.
My children aren't exactly runnin' wild, y'all! For one thing, they're learning discipline through hard work. Just last week my teenage daughter had to fix the electric stove in the kitchen because she used my last condom. And my three year old was such a terror at the Social Security office yesterday that I'm making her wash the van this weekend. These types of punishments are more effective than spanking, and build character which lasts a lifetime.
When I spend time with my kids, it's quality time! I make sure that they're learning what they need to know to get by in this world. They learn how to make friends with kids whose parents have prescription pads lying around. I teach them how to place confusing orders at McDonald's so they can get their food for free when it comes back wrong. Or how to roll a cigarette out of discarded butts and single-ply toilet paper.
I also tell them things that effectively turn them against their father, regardless of whether those things are true or not. Like, even though he always pays child support on time, I tell them that he doesn't, and that's why I have to cut their hair with a Flowbee. Hell, even if he eventually gains visitation rights though the courts, he'll be sorry when the kids look right in his face and call him a "deadbeat"!
Tuesday, September 23
The nastiest hotel in Richmond!
I was drinking down at Stool Pidgeons last night and hooked up with a dude named Rodney. We was hongry, so we headed next door to Buffalo Wild Wings and picked up a massive pack of wings to go. Then I drove us to a hotel over by the Richfood Dairy. Muffin, my rottie, was with us too, because I like to have him when I go downtown so he can protect the car.
We opened the door to our room and were immediately hit in the face with the smell of stale urine and thrice fried beans. I lit up a Black & Mild to mask the odor. There were two queen-sized beds, so we hopped into one of them and ate our wings. Since we still had a clean bed to go to, we just threw the saucy bones under the covers as we ate, and used the top of the bed sheet as a napkin.
Muffin was growling and digging at something under the other bed, which turned out to be a wad of nasty discarded hair extensions. I grabbed it from his mouth, opened the door of the room, and threw it off into the parking lot. That's when I noticed that the chain lock was broken on the door. I wasn't happy about having to rely on just the one cheap little doorknob lock in this sketchy-ass hotel!
Rodney is an electrician, and he handily rewired the wall near the TV so we could watch some porno and have it charged to the neighboring room. I love a man whose good with his hands! He also made sure that the clean bed was set up properly for us. The pillows looked like they had been shoved together and humped by a horse, so he swapped them out for the ones on the chicken wing bed.
We started kissing, and moved onto the bed for some messy, rough sex! It's nice to be able to really go crazy because it's not your bed! Rodney's toolbox also contained a few goodies. We broke out a jar of marmalade and everything! When we were done I wiped my rear end with the comforter and chucked it under a chair.
Sleep was hard to come by because there were people talking outside our door all night long. It sounded like someone leaned on our door at one point, and later someone even had the balls to try our doorknob! Luckily the lock held, and Muffin barked like a maniac to scare them away. We were able to safely huddle together in the stench and misery of that room until dawn.
We decided to get out of there early. We both have jobs to get to anyway. Rather than turn the key back in I decided to sublet the room to some meth addicts who we found creeping around the parking lot. Now I'm itching like crazy, and my back hurts. I'm pretty sure that crappy mattress was one giant scabies nest.
We opened the door to our room and were immediately hit in the face with the smell of stale urine and thrice fried beans. I lit up a Black & Mild to mask the odor. There were two queen-sized beds, so we hopped into one of them and ate our wings. Since we still had a clean bed to go to, we just threw the saucy bones under the covers as we ate, and used the top of the bed sheet as a napkin.
Muffin was growling and digging at something under the other bed, which turned out to be a wad of nasty discarded hair extensions. I grabbed it from his mouth, opened the door of the room, and threw it off into the parking lot. That's when I noticed that the chain lock was broken on the door. I wasn't happy about having to rely on just the one cheap little doorknob lock in this sketchy-ass hotel!
Rodney is an electrician, and he handily rewired the wall near the TV so we could watch some porno and have it charged to the neighboring room. I love a man whose good with his hands! He also made sure that the clean bed was set up properly for us. The pillows looked like they had been shoved together and humped by a horse, so he swapped them out for the ones on the chicken wing bed.
We started kissing, and moved onto the bed for some messy, rough sex! It's nice to be able to really go crazy because it's not your bed! Rodney's toolbox also contained a few goodies. We broke out a jar of marmalade and everything! When we were done I wiped my rear end with the comforter and chucked it under a chair.
Sleep was hard to come by because there were people talking outside our door all night long. It sounded like someone leaned on our door at one point, and later someone even had the balls to try our doorknob! Luckily the lock held, and Muffin barked like a maniac to scare them away. We were able to safely huddle together in the stench and misery of that room until dawn.
We decided to get out of there early. We both have jobs to get to anyway. Rather than turn the key back in I decided to sublet the room to some meth addicts who we found creeping around the parking lot. Now I'm itching like crazy, and my back hurts. I'm pretty sure that crappy mattress was one giant scabies nest.
Sunday, September 21
Rainy day fun activities for kids!
Okay parents, call the kids in, and leave the room!
This post is just for the little ones!
Your Auntie Jocelyn knows that sometimes as a kid you'll get stuck at home all day with an inattentive parent, or an ornery relative to babysit you. On a sunny day you can always go play with your friends (I'd certainly rather my kids be out messing up someone else's yard!). But in the event that rain or other conditions keep you indoors, you can still come up with fun ideas to keep yourself occupied. Here are just a few to get you started.
I know how kids love games! To avoid arousing suspicion, start out with some quiet games, like "stick the dirty Band-aid on Mommy's butt right before she leaves for the club" (my kids love that one!). Or you could wait until Grandpa starts napping, and paint him up like a bitch, with some nice blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick. Then wake him up by turning the thermostat up as high as it will go!
There are some activities that are mandatory whenever you're left unsupervised. For example, you've got to go through every drawer in your parent's room. Also, you're required as a kid to devour everything in the house that even slightly resembles chocolate. This is also your chance to go through the kitchen cupboards and throw out stuff that you don't like. Then head to the living room, and hide the remote control where nobody will ever find it again!
Being alone is also your perfect chance to get at everybody else's stuff! Use a magic marker to draw silly mustaches on all of your older sister's music posters. Take Dad's new stereo apart to see how it works. Shave race car numbers into your older brother's suede jacket. And eat the entire stick of that old fruit-scented lip balm you found in the junk drawer.
Even if you're not home alone, you've still got the bathroom, which is a classic stage for youthful shenanigans! You could take a piss in the sink, for curiosity's sake. Flush various objects down the toilet as a scientific experiment. Cover the toilet seat in a greasy lotion. Or simply pinch up a few bunches of hair from the floor and shove them into the bristles of Daddy's toothbrush!
Now that you've covered your bases, it's time for some good old fashioned imagination games. You can go old school, and play dress up with some of those crusty old clothes from the attic. Or you can cut your own hair with safety scissors. Create a modern art masterpiece by processing a good-sized live bird in the blender, then pouring it out onto a rug. Or pretend you're a teacher, and train your dog to hate a specific ethnic group.
If you're still bored, then maybe it's time to go a little wild! Eat some leaves off one of the plants in the house. Leave stray Lego pieces all over the carpet for people to step on in their stocking feet. Huff all the freon out of the air conditioner, and run around the house banging your forehead into sharp corners. Ride down the stairs on an old mattress. Play "doctor" with a cute cousin. Or just lock yourself in the dark basement and try to escape!
Moms and dads, you can come back out now! I don't think you'll be hearing any more complaints about boredom from these little rascals! Oh, please, don't thank me. We parents have to stick together!
This post is just for the little ones!
Your Auntie Jocelyn knows that sometimes as a kid you'll get stuck at home all day with an inattentive parent, or an ornery relative to babysit you. On a sunny day you can always go play with your friends (I'd certainly rather my kids be out messing up someone else's yard!). But in the event that rain or other conditions keep you indoors, you can still come up with fun ideas to keep yourself occupied. Here are just a few to get you started.
I know how kids love games! To avoid arousing suspicion, start out with some quiet games, like "stick the dirty Band-aid on Mommy's butt right before she leaves for the club" (my kids love that one!). Or you could wait until Grandpa starts napping, and paint him up like a bitch, with some nice blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick. Then wake him up by turning the thermostat up as high as it will go!
There are some activities that are mandatory whenever you're left unsupervised. For example, you've got to go through every drawer in your parent's room. Also, you're required as a kid to devour everything in the house that even slightly resembles chocolate. This is also your chance to go through the kitchen cupboards and throw out stuff that you don't like. Then head to the living room, and hide the remote control where nobody will ever find it again!
Being alone is also your perfect chance to get at everybody else's stuff! Use a magic marker to draw silly mustaches on all of your older sister's music posters. Take Dad's new stereo apart to see how it works. Shave race car numbers into your older brother's suede jacket. And eat the entire stick of that old fruit-scented lip balm you found in the junk drawer.
Even if you're not home alone, you've still got the bathroom, which is a classic stage for youthful shenanigans! You could take a piss in the sink, for curiosity's sake. Flush various objects down the toilet as a scientific experiment. Cover the toilet seat in a greasy lotion. Or simply pinch up a few bunches of hair from the floor and shove them into the bristles of Daddy's toothbrush!
Now that you've covered your bases, it's time for some good old fashioned imagination games. You can go old school, and play dress up with some of those crusty old clothes from the attic. Or you can cut your own hair with safety scissors. Create a modern art masterpiece by processing a good-sized live bird in the blender, then pouring it out onto a rug. Or pretend you're a teacher, and train your dog to hate a specific ethnic group.
If you're still bored, then maybe it's time to go a little wild! Eat some leaves off one of the plants in the house. Leave stray Lego pieces all over the carpet for people to step on in their stocking feet. Huff all the freon out of the air conditioner, and run around the house banging your forehead into sharp corners. Ride down the stairs on an old mattress. Play "doctor" with a cute cousin. Or just lock yourself in the dark basement and try to escape!
Moms and dads, you can come back out now! I don't think you'll be hearing any more complaints about boredom from these little rascals! Oh, please, don't thank me. We parents have to stick together!
Friday, September 19
Down South frumpin'!
Tomorrow I'll officially be 5 months pregnant! That means it's time to get my frump on in a big way! You can get away with so much more when you've got that motherly glow, and I'll be taking full advantage. I've got enough problems right now without having to worry about finding hot fashionable clothing that'll fit me for a week or two, then doing it all again. I'm no longer interested in impressing those slags at work anyway.
It seems like just yesterday that I met that drunk fool at Cary Street Cafe. It was April 20th, so I knocked off work early and headed in there to see if anyone had any weed. I left with the one guy who had some (I was determined to smoke at 4:20 on 4/20!). We toked it up in his van, and it was some good shit! It must have been, because that's the only way I could ever be seduced by such a nasty bastard!
So that was the magic night, and now I'm paying the price! Besides the sweating and constant pressure on my pelvis, I'm just tired as hell. The doctor told me to cut out the coffee, so I've been limiting myself to just two venti Frappuccinos per day. It's damn near killing me! Y'all know I need my Frapps! I can't stand that doctor either. Every time I walk out of his office the crotch of my panties are literally sopping with medical lube!
Aside from the caffeine consideration, I'm really just letting myself go to tha fullest until all this unpleasantness is over. I'm smoking about a carton of Montclair menthol 100s per week, and eating my weight in generic cold cuts. I've been spending so much time laying up on the couch that my living room is starting to smell like a nasty wheelchair cushion. I'm also wearing the same old stained maternity sweatpants for days at a time. With a few more spills they might just pass for camouflage!
It seems like just yesterday that I met that drunk fool at Cary Street Cafe. It was April 20th, so I knocked off work early and headed in there to see if anyone had any weed. I left with the one guy who had some (I was determined to smoke at 4:20 on 4/20!). We toked it up in his van, and it was some good shit! It must have been, because that's the only way I could ever be seduced by such a nasty bastard!
So that was the magic night, and now I'm paying the price! Besides the sweating and constant pressure on my pelvis, I'm just tired as hell. The doctor told me to cut out the coffee, so I've been limiting myself to just two venti Frappuccinos per day. It's damn near killing me! Y'all know I need my Frapps! I can't stand that doctor either. Every time I walk out of his office the crotch of my panties are literally sopping with medical lube!
Aside from the caffeine consideration, I'm really just letting myself go to tha fullest until all this unpleasantness is over. I'm smoking about a carton of Montclair menthol 100s per week, and eating my weight in generic cold cuts. I've been spending so much time laying up on the couch that my living room is starting to smell like a nasty wheelchair cushion. I'm also wearing the same old stained maternity sweatpants for days at a time. With a few more spills they might just pass for camouflage!
Wednesday, September 17
Gettin' money over here!
If you're like me then you're all about gettin' paid! I'll try anything as long as it helps me bring in more of that chedda! And now that I've finished selling off all of my ex-husband's stuff I've been forced to be a bit more creative. I swear, the kids today think a parent's life is so easy, but it ain't! It's hard out here for a mom!
A few months back I had some bills to pay and ended up taking a part-time job at a nursing home. It had it's benefits, like free pills and a rehabilitation hot tub on site. And sure, those old folks are easy to steal from, because nobody believes their senile accusations. What wasn't easy was the actual work...like having to wipe off the insides of their legs!
I decided to get my kids to assist me in making ends meet. It's probably time for them to start earning their keep anyway, and they really love to feel included! I've got them running all over the neighborhood, swiping stuff from people's garages. Used sports equipment can bring in a pretty penny...and used tools bring in an even prettier one!
Sometimes when I need some extra scratch we'll do a little prowling around the mall. My two youngest kids are small, and particularly good at grabbing an unattended bag or two and slipping into a clothes rack to hide. Most times the bag will have the receipt in it, making returns a breeze. If not, I can still make use of that store credit!
When I head out of town to drink at one of the county bars, I often attract the burly, gun owning type. So when I'm done rockin' their world I simply wait until they fall asleep. Then I sneak downstairs and grab a spare handgun or two from their collections. 9 times out of 10 they keep the key right on top of the gun cabinet! There's a group of nice young men at the end of my block who will gladly pay up to $75 for a quality piece! Or accept it in trade for some really good weed!
I'm always looking for opportunities, so drop me a line if you have any fresh ideas. The best things to grab are items that nobody will miss. Maybe we could put our heads together and pull off a big job, like making off with that crummy Arthur Ashe monument and selling it for scrap metal!
A few months back I had some bills to pay and ended up taking a part-time job at a nursing home. It had it's benefits, like free pills and a rehabilitation hot tub on site. And sure, those old folks are easy to steal from, because nobody believes their senile accusations. What wasn't easy was the actual work...like having to wipe off the insides of their legs!
I decided to get my kids to assist me in making ends meet. It's probably time for them to start earning their keep anyway, and they really love to feel included! I've got them running all over the neighborhood, swiping stuff from people's garages. Used sports equipment can bring in a pretty penny...and used tools bring in an even prettier one!
Sometimes when I need some extra scratch we'll do a little prowling around the mall. My two youngest kids are small, and particularly good at grabbing an unattended bag or two and slipping into a clothes rack to hide. Most times the bag will have the receipt in it, making returns a breeze. If not, I can still make use of that store credit!
When I head out of town to drink at one of the county bars, I often attract the burly, gun owning type. So when I'm done rockin' their world I simply wait until they fall asleep. Then I sneak downstairs and grab a spare handgun or two from their collections. 9 times out of 10 they keep the key right on top of the gun cabinet! There's a group of nice young men at the end of my block who will gladly pay up to $75 for a quality piece! Or accept it in trade for some really good weed!
I'm always looking for opportunities, so drop me a line if you have any fresh ideas. The best things to grab are items that nobody will miss. Maybe we could put our heads together and pull off a big job, like making off with that crummy Arthur Ashe monument and selling it for scrap metal!
Monday, September 15
Richmond on the rocks!
Phil and I decided to take a romantic visit to Belle Isle this weekend. It's nice to get outside sometimes and enjoy the fresh air. I would have brought the kids, but they always run wild at outdoor attractions. We did bring our rottie (who I recently named "Muffin"), because the poor thing had been cooped up in the laundry room ever since he ate our neighbor's kitten. People keep telling me to put him to sleep, so I'm hiding him until I figure out what I want to do.
We started out by just sitting off from the crowd, on the rocks next to the beautiful James river. We kept ourselves busy by knocking back a 12-pack of Yuengling. I don't normally drink that brand, but damn, them boys is tasty! I like to throw the empty cans in the water and watch as they float downstream like little boats. We washed them down with some of those awesome Hostess apple pies. The wrappers for those don't float as well unless you crinkle them up into a ball.
Suddenly I realized that Muffin had wandered off. He had himself a little swim, and he was coming out of the water when I found him, smiling like a fool. He wandered over to a couple of guys and started shaking water all over them. That water had activated his crazy stink, and now that was all over these poor fellas. I was about to apologize when they started whining about it. Y'all know I can't stand sissies!
I rushed over and grabbed Muffin's collar to take control, but the devil in me took over! I started jerking the collar around menacingly while yelling "sick 'em!" over and over. That expression always gets Muffin going! He was barking and growling, and they were freaking out! They actually picked up their towel and shoes and walked off while scowling at me! What a couple of pussies!
If any of y'all left the house this weekend then you must have noticed that it was hot enough to breed sheep out there! I was needing to cool down bad, so I decided to get in the water. I don't actually want to swim in that stank mess, but it's nice to dip my feet. I took off my sneaks and dipped both feet in. Ahh, cool refreshment! But now I'm starting to regret the decision because the open ankle blisters that I always get from my work shoes look like they're on the verge of infection!
We started out by just sitting off from the crowd, on the rocks next to the beautiful James river. We kept ourselves busy by knocking back a 12-pack of Yuengling. I don't normally drink that brand, but damn, them boys is tasty! I like to throw the empty cans in the water and watch as they float downstream like little boats. We washed them down with some of those awesome Hostess apple pies. The wrappers for those don't float as well unless you crinkle them up into a ball.
Suddenly I realized that Muffin had wandered off. He had himself a little swim, and he was coming out of the water when I found him, smiling like a fool. He wandered over to a couple of guys and started shaking water all over them. That water had activated his crazy stink, and now that was all over these poor fellas. I was about to apologize when they started whining about it. Y'all know I can't stand sissies!
I rushed over and grabbed Muffin's collar to take control, but the devil in me took over! I started jerking the collar around menacingly while yelling "sick 'em!" over and over. That expression always gets Muffin going! He was barking and growling, and they were freaking out! They actually picked up their towel and shoes and walked off while scowling at me! What a couple of pussies!
If any of y'all left the house this weekend then you must have noticed that it was hot enough to breed sheep out there! I was needing to cool down bad, so I decided to get in the water. I don't actually want to swim in that stank mess, but it's nice to dip my feet. I took off my sneaks and dipped both feet in. Ahh, cool refreshment! But now I'm starting to regret the decision because the open ankle blisters that I always get from my work shoes look like they're on the verge of infection!
Thursday, September 11
You can find me in the club!
So last night I dumped the kids off at Mom's place and headed out for a night on the town. I'm a dedicated mother, but that doesn't mean that I don't like to go out and get my drank on! I've been back to my usual club since my ex-husband Kevin stopped going there. I started enough nasty rumors about him there that he can't get no play!
This place plays the best music in town. After a couple of drinks you can't stop me from shakin' my crazy ass all over that dance floor. I get nasty out there too! If the mood is right you might even catch me clappin' my 'donk all up on some sexy strangers! Things were going pretty good for me, on the dance floor and off. I was getting a good amount of attention, getting offers for drinks, followed by offers for a ride home! But you know I wasn't ready to go yet! I was havin' fun drinking, and the night was still young!
I ran out of smokes, so I ordered a fresh pack from the bartender, along with another shot of liquor. That bastard came back with my cigarettes , but said I was cut off from liquor. He even claimed that I was slurring and swearing a lot, but I disagreed. I grabbed the pack with one hand, swept a few drinks off of the bar with the back of my other hand, and yelled "fuck you then!". One of the drinks was a White Russian, and it got all over this one girl's nice black dress. I apologized briefly, but I'm sorry, she was just an unfortunate victim of this rude bartender!
I made my way to the bathroom, and that's when I realized how high I was. I almost fell forward off the toilet, which caused me to piss all over the seat. When I came out the club's bouncer was standing there ready to escort me out the door. I was feeling dizzy, so I didn't really mind too much. When I started heading to my car this handsome fellow started chatting me up. He complimented my good looks and offered to drive me home. How could I say no?
I pretty much blacked out the rest of the night, so I can't tell you much more about what happened. I woke up in my own bed, and he was gone. I'm fairly certain that we made love. The side of the bed he had been on was soiled with filth, so he must have been unwashed to the point that I suspect he may have been homeless. Another sign that he was a no account fool is that he didn't leave me any money on the dresser. And I'm pretty sure he stole our DVD player
This place plays the best music in town. After a couple of drinks you can't stop me from shakin' my crazy ass all over that dance floor. I get nasty out there too! If the mood is right you might even catch me clappin' my 'donk all up on some sexy strangers! Things were going pretty good for me, on the dance floor and off. I was getting a good amount of attention, getting offers for drinks, followed by offers for a ride home! But you know I wasn't ready to go yet! I was havin' fun drinking, and the night was still young!
I ran out of smokes, so I ordered a fresh pack from the bartender, along with another shot of liquor. That bastard came back with my cigarettes , but said I was cut off from liquor. He even claimed that I was slurring and swearing a lot, but I disagreed. I grabbed the pack with one hand, swept a few drinks off of the bar with the back of my other hand, and yelled "fuck you then!". One of the drinks was a White Russian, and it got all over this one girl's nice black dress. I apologized briefly, but I'm sorry, she was just an unfortunate victim of this rude bartender!
I made my way to the bathroom, and that's when I realized how high I was. I almost fell forward off the toilet, which caused me to piss all over the seat. When I came out the club's bouncer was standing there ready to escort me out the door. I was feeling dizzy, so I didn't really mind too much. When I started heading to my car this handsome fellow started chatting me up. He complimented my good looks and offered to drive me home. How could I say no?
I pretty much blacked out the rest of the night, so I can't tell you much more about what happened. I woke up in my own bed, and he was gone. I'm fairly certain that we made love. The side of the bed he had been on was soiled with filth, so he must have been unwashed to the point that I suspect he may have been homeless. Another sign that he was a no account fool is that he didn't leave me any money on the dresser. And I'm pretty sure he stole our DVD player
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